Dating failure on & offline

castaway_lady

As a 36 year old female who has never been in a relationship I have in the past tried online dating without any kind of success.

In the last year or so I have been trying it again and am totally striking out constantly. I cannot put up public pictures due to the nature of my work but I generally share private pics after a message or two. This usually results in the end of conversation- easy to figure that one out I guess.

Even those I exchange more messages with have a tendency to disappear within days. My profile writing gets a very positive response but that is where it stops, I just cant seem to create an attraction or lasting connection with anyone on or offline.

At what stage do you quit the whole pursuit and how do you actually put it to bed once and for all. It all most definitely feels too late to start that aspect of life now.

thegreatgonzo

I don't think you should be so hard on yourself. I'm same age as you and I tried online dating briefly last year but gave it up after about 2 months, it just wasn't for me. I don't think I could have connected with anyone online, I can't explain it I just don't like the concept.
I'm in a situation at the moment where I can't have much of a normal social life for a while so I kind of resigned myself to the fact that I'm not going to meet anyone until that changed. But I really think it's never too late to meet someone and in many ways it's better to meet someone later on when you have realised whatever ambitions you have and you know what you want. In some ways it's easy for me because I'm not bothered about having kids so I don't feel like I have a biological clock ticking away. Maybe this is worrying you?

LegacyUser

Hi Op

It's never too late to meet somebody. I was resigned to being single until I met my husband in my mid forties. You don't have to be out there frantically looking every weekend, but never give up on the idea as it can happen when you least expect it.

castaway_lady

It's not a biological clock issue, children are not all that important to me. I've always had the opinion "never say never" but I don't think it would ruin my life if that didn't happen, maybe I'll feel different down the line.

I have some ambitions left to achieve however I am overwhelmingly distracted by my ongoing lack of a romantic relationship and cant make progress on anything else for too long anymore. I cant find a way to make it unimportant to me. It is most definitely something I feel now is beyond me, hell I have more than enough proof of that, but I cant set it aside and get to a place where it matters little enough to me that I can get my motivation and focus elsewhere. It just seems to go the opposite way and matter more and more as time goes on.

Im so sick of this taking over my mind and my time and frustrating and distracting me. And Im even more sick of playing witness to the normal love lifes of people around me.

alias06

Its very hard to do online dating if you don't upload photos. Most people don't even look at profiles without photos or respond to people without them. Lots of people are afraid to put up photos because people in work might see them. I didn't put up photos for a good while for this reason. But then I thought people in work are on it too and if they are on it I shouldn't be ashamed to be on it. Are you sure your work is preventing you putting up photos or is this in your head? Get some good photos of yourself and upload them and go from their.

Other options include joining clubs or social activities where you will meet men of your own age. A drama group is a great way to get to know people really well and in the fun and relaxed environment relationships often spark up. If the online dating thing is not a runner for you then some such activity like this would be a good idea.

DoozerT6

OP, I remember your last thread on this subject. And I feel for you. You said exactly what I was feeling - how left behind you can feel when everybody else you know is in a relationship, how there are conversations you just can't join in with because you've never experienced the whole 'going out on dates/nights out/weekends away/holidays' that other people our age have been experiencing with (different) partners for maybe two decades already. It's a whole aspect of our lives that is just a mystery to us, while being completely banal and normal for almost everybody else. I'm in the same boat, and I find it brings a subtle but distinct wedge between me and my workmates who all have husbands and children, or are planning weddings. I just don't have the same life experiences as them and I can't join in the coffee-room conversations about everyday family life. I just wanted you to know that there are others out there (and I'm older than you) for whom this part of life has just inexplicably passed us by.

As regards online dating, I recently deleted my online profile after almost a year. I had five or six 'first dates' which went no further, then I met a guy that I saw a few times - well, basically had sex with for a few weeks. He was a nice guy, and I liked him, but I knew from the start it wasn't the real thing. What I really wanted was just 'someone'. Someone to text during the day, someone to call over to me after work, chat to and snuggle up to on the couch, stay over, and be there in the morning. The sex was just a bonus. I just wanted to experience what a 'relationship' was like, even with a guy that I knew wasn't a long-term prospect. This wasn't fair on him of course and I think he realised after a few weeks that my heart wasn't really in it, and he ended it. I then deleted my profile, as my heart wasn't really in that either.

I guess what I'm saying in a long-winded way is maybe give the online dating a miss for a few months - let the pool of potential dates replenish itself a bit, especially after the new year In the meantime, like the previous poster suggested, if you are not sporty, the local drama group or nearest choir (one that participates in competitions/festivals etc.) might be a good place to look for potential new friends (and through them, perhaps potential new partners?) It's something I need to look into myself.

Merkin

There is a dating form here in Boards, perhaps you could link to your profile there and a couple of people could give you an honest appraisal of your profile and the photos you send to people.

I do think there are a disproportionate amount of sh1tbags who use dating sites so if your confidence is low as it is and you're feeling a bit unhappy and vulnerable then Im not sure it's the best route for you to take.

Have you a good circle of friends? Do you work in a big company with lots of people your own age? Do you get involved in social activities? Have you tried Meetup.ie? I think they would be far better and less soul destroying avenues to explore than the shark infested pool that is online dating!

NEVER give up hope, you don't know who is around the corner!!:)

castaway_lady

I am actually done with it all, it's been about a year since I posted before and in spite of efforts absolutely not a morcel of progress was made and I'd be kidding myself to think that it didn't have a lot to do with looks. I may be ok with what I see in the mirror but that just isnt good enough to get me what I want- there are always better options for guys and no thats not just low self-esteen, its a lifetimes worth of reality. My general confidence is not low either, my confidence in this aspect is non-existant because it has no basis. It even matters to the stuff Im involved in because it all ends in dinner dances and socials and hell will honestly freeze over before I attend another one of them as the loner who wrecks the seating plan again.

At this stage I really need to get to a place of detached nonchalance about it and be able to whole-heartedly go at something else. Instead of that mindset anytime anyone mentions boyfriends, dates etc I physically feel like Ive been punched in the stomach.

Really this race is run and I didn't make it to the starting blocks, you'd think Id have made my peace with that at this stage though.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
I'm the same only worse. 32, never been in relationship, and have never slept with anyone. It gets to me a lot. A Lot. I could never admit all of this to so many people because I know I would burst into tears from the shame, embarrassment, feelings on inadequacy.
Like you and DoozerT6, I feel left out of a lot of conversations at work, among school/college friends. I just don't have the experiences.
My failings in the dating game have been down to a few things: growing up in a terribly emotionally closed home, (insecure attachment, poor communication skills, low confidence, shy), being bullied on and off during secondary school (cue another bash to self esteem, self confidence). Anyhow at the grand age of 28 I figured enough was enough. I was a lost person from roughly the age of 13 until 28, and when I was 28 I spent a year in therapy. Best thing I've ever done. I have improved in so many areas. I even get a little bit of attention/compliments from men now.
Anyway, I know some of this is pretty irrelevant, but do you think you would benefit from a little therapy.
The other thing is, I understand how tired you are with online dating. It suits some people but not others.
The only thing I know, and it keeps me going a little, is the idea of being positive at all times. People (and men) like positive, confident people. do you think this is something your'e not very good at??? The thing is, you never know just how close you are to meeting the right person, literally. If you were more positive and open going about your daily routine, you just never know who will pick up on that and make a move..........

thegreatgonzo

I agree with Merkin up there about meet up and joining clubs, it sounds like a cliché because it gets recommended so often here but really it's a great place to make new friends. I think you'd feel a lot more optimistic if you were surrounded by single people of all ages who are having the craic and enjoying life. I've had some great weekends away with meetup and have made lifelong friends. I might be still single but I don't obsess about it because I know I'm not the only one. In fact a lot of the time I feel sorry for some of my friends who are attached, their days of freedom and adventure look pretty much over whereas mine (and yours) are still going on:-)

dellas1979

But I think OP, the bottom line is that you did try. And you did put yourself out there. Fair enough, nothing happened.

No movies moment for you, this time.

Dont you see, you were actually in the starting blocks. By doing the above, you moved a few millimeters. Its not giant steps, like you'd hoped, but at least you were going in the right direction.

Or, at least you were, until frustration, self doubt, fear, I dunno, kicked in.

alias06

Look I think your confidence in this regard has hit rock bottom. And fair enough you have been having bad luck. But I do think you are blaming too much of this on yourself. First I think its almost impossible to have good luck with online dating if you don't put up photos. Most people online won't even consider profiles without photos so you are making the pool much smaller from the start. Secondly, you're not the only one that has had bad experiences with online dating. So its not a reason to give up.

Thirdly, I do think the idea of being part of something like a drama group where you meet guys and girls and make friends is a good idea. That way people get to appreciate you and all that you bring and aren't just judging you based on a few pictures.

dannyc31

hi OP. for a start i would suggest giving up the online dating thing. its not doing your confidence any good by experiencing rejection on these sites. as someone above mentioned, alot of dating sites (especially the free ones) are packed full of time wasters, weirdos, married men and men just looking for sex. there is probably some nice guys there too but its clear this method is'nt working for you.

as Einstein once said, the definition of madness is "trying the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result". what you need to do is something completely different.

some good advice mentioned above is to get involved in a social club or hobby that interest you. i'm sure you have some? with this you can take the focus off trying to start a relationship and instead move it onto meeting someone like minded as yourself that might lead to something more. meetingup.com is also a good option.

the other option is to face this full on and try speed dating. do you have a couple of friends who might escort you to a speed dating night? that way its just a bit of fun but at the same time you are getting to the date stage with these potential men. they say you know in the first 30 seconds so who knows you might come across someone you just click with and would like to see again.

anyway best of luck with everything hope this helps.

RandyMann

Hi OP, I agree with the above poster. I reckon most guys on dating sites are not looking for relationships, they are just looking for nsa or just sex.
Don't waste your time anymore online but the speed dating thing could be an option, at least you meet them face to face.
If they are prepared to meet face to face and put themselves out there instead of hiding behind a computer, I think that is a better chance.
Sports clubs offer a much better chance, I have seen it first hand in my athletics club. Plenty of relationships and marriages have resulted over the years..

miamee

RandyMann wrote: »

Hi OP, I agree with the above poster. I reckon most guys on dating sites are not looking for relationships, they are just looking for nsa or just sex.
Don't waste your time anymore online but the speed dating thing could be an option, at least you meet them face to face.
If they are prepared to meet face to face and put themselves out there instead of hiding behind a computer, I think that is a better chance.
Sports clubs offer a much better chance, I have seen it first hand in my athletics club. Plenty of relationships and marriages have resulted over the years..

OP, please do not listen to this about "all men" on dating sites, it is absolutely not true for all men on dating sites. I understand that you are disillusioned with online dating at the moment and it really is not for everybody. However, if you know what you are doing and how to spot the timewasters and make the most of your profile, your experience can be improved greatly.

In general, I have thought about similar things myself in the past year regarding meeting someone. I have had one long-term relationship only and that was ten years ago! So I had to think about this carefully and come to a point where I am ok about this. I am 35. I have been single for pretty much my whole life when you think about it. And my life is pretty good! I have a lot to be grateful for and I think you do too. If the worst case scenario is that you or I don't meet anyone and life continues as it is, that is not the end of the world, is it?

You need to get comfortable with your own company. Do you do things alone? Cinema? Eat out? Anything? I don't mean going to something by yourself surrounded by couples, I mean just you. If not, make a start. When you are comfortable with yourself, I don't think meeting someone else will be as big a deal - less of a 'requirement' and more of a 'nice if it happens'. I think the fact that there is no biological tick-tocking (same as myself) makes it easier actually...imagine if you were desperate to have babies as well as all this! :eek: (another little thing to be grateful for)

Potatoeman

I wouldnt give up on online dating as it limits your options and so far its the one place you met someone. Clubs and stuff are fine but many people will be there for the activity alone too.
You need to put up pictures and good ones as it the first impression that counts. You mentioned contact dropping after you sent pictures but this is normal if they are not attracted to you.
Did you contact many people? Dont forget the more attractive people get more contacts and if you have no picture they will ignore you.
Many people have a very negative opinion of online dating but I work with two women that meet their husbands through it. The whole 'only after one thing' is just as true as someone you meet in a bar.

LegacyUser

I'm in a similar situation too. Have been down the online route but it never worked out for me. Considering an introductions agency now.

Hobbies and clubs are great for meeting people though. I've made great friends through different clubs I'm a member of, of hobbies I really enjoy. Lots of long lasting relationships begin as friendships.

It takes the pressure off too... .

RandyMann

miamee wrote: »

OP, please do not listen to this about "all men" on dating sites, it is absolutely not true for all men on dating sites.

Why do you quote my post? If you read it again, I say MOST men, not ALL men as you have said.
You even highlight what I said, is it that hard to read? Moderator?

Sheldons Brain

RandyMann wrote: »

Why do you quote my post? If you read it again, I say MOST men, not ALL men as you have said.
You even highlight what I said, is it that hard to read? Moderator?

Whether you said all or most, it is a ridiculous gender stereotype.

FLOWERS1

Dear op please don't lose heart,

I think everyone would agree with me confidence is the most attractive attribute about somebody!!!
So if your saying or thinking your ugly - your knocking yourself and so unconsciously sending out the signal that nobody should value and appreciate you as your not truly appreciating yourself - so why should anyone else??? its almost a self-fulfilling prophecy

Also if you really look around you'll be amazed about the different types of couples that are out there. this is a bit of a socially unacceptable thing to say but gonna say it anyway
There are some very attractive handsome blokes with some very unattractive women and vice versa i.e. freakly skinny tall men with short dumpy women, allsorts of bizarre and wonderful physically mismatched couples - we've all seen them! So there's hope for us all!!!
love is in the eye of the beholder

I think you should address your confidence issues and yeah maybe speaking to someone might help like someone suggested earlier in post

But also don't waste your time looking for someone, Go out and enjoy yourself for yourself and don't care about anything, anyone or any insecurities, think of this phase as your time to go out and have fun, to try out flirting and teasing for your own amusements, not as an agenda to meet some guy, but to find some sexual prowess and own it. That's usually when a bloke comes along and in a sense sort of ruins it.


Really wish you the best of luck

RandyMann

Sheldons Brain wrote: »

Whether you said all or most, it is a ridiculous gender stereotype.

Fair enough. I was totally mistaken. How ridiculous of me...

Potatoeman

RandyMann wrote: »

Fair enough. I was totally mistaken. How ridiculous of me...

OLD is no different from meeting someone in a pub that you dont know through someone.

DoozerT6

Potatoeman wrote: »

OLD is no different from meeting someone in a pub that you dont know through someone.

It's similar, but not the same. If you just randomly meet someone in a pub on a night out (a friend of a friend, or something) then it is just completely random and there are no preconceptions or expectations, as you have no previous knowledge or notions of each other. In online dating, it is a pre-arranged date, with expectations of some sort attached to it. Yes, you are strangers, but there has been some sort of correspondence and some sort of 'attraction' (or promise of) has been felt by both parties in order to arrange to meet up.

Balaclava1991

Next time you are out shopping and you see a nice looking man just go over and say hello and start a conversation and see where it goes.

What's stopping you?

castaway_lady

Folks thanks for the responses. Im just monumentally frustrated and roadblocked. I manage to work hard on pushing it aside for a while but Im just so fed up of never having anything going on in that regard. Its not that marriage or kids is on my mind, its just that Ive had a lifetime of being totally single, devoid of flings or anything guy related. I feel like Im on the outside of the world looking in and am bemused by it all. I needed to at least have some evidence that a relationship was possible or likely at some stage. I wanted to have some fun and gain some normal experience.
Im not a recluse who goes from work to the tv and that assumption seems to be the norm applied to single people beyond a certain age. But drama groups and the likes holds absolutely no interest for me. I looked at meetup but the nearest local group is all about wine tasting sessions, opera and tapas- again nothing there for me.
Its funny- for want of a different phrase- that when you aren't doing online dating everything sells it as the fix and when it fails miserably its a dud option. I wholeheartedly disagree that all the men online are only there for one reason, that really isn't the case from what Ive seen. They do all just want more/what they perceive as better than what I have to offer.
The ironic thing is if one had to actually bite, I wouldn't have had the experience or wherewithal to know what to do with him.

I just don't want to start 2014 with this as a monkey on my back yet again...hormones are enough of a nuisance to be lugging around!

LegacyUser

Ok-aside from the usual online dating (i.e., PoF etc) would you be interested in joining an agency, where you could tell an actual person your woes/concerns etc. And a person could match you, not a computer.

A friend of mine (who met her husband online), her sister joined one of these and is now in a relationship about 1 year! Few years previous, shed say that she never saw herself in a relationship.

So, it does happen.

There is nothing so frustrating and hard to take than trying your hardest and nothing happening. But youve just got to keep trying.

alias06

Do you have a female friend that is also single that you could talk to about this? That can be a big help. I know that for me that having single guy friends that I can go out with really helps. Single friends of the same sex can invite you to things where there are guys and get you introduced. Good friends can make the single life feel a lot less lonely.

I think I will say I know how hard and head wrecking this can be when you are really struggling to meet someone. I know everyone has an easy solution e.g. online dating, speed dating etc. I think there is no one solution and I don't think you should rule anything out. All you can do is maximise your chances of meeting someone by putting yourself in as many situations where you meet guys your own age as you can. I also think its a good idea not to focus on just finding a guy but also to expand your circle of friends and social circle generally. This will be good for your self esteem and well being and increase your chances of meeting someone.

And I think its important not to be too hard on yourself about it. I know that's easier said than done. But your self-esteem can really take a battering if you start blaming yourself and beating yourself up all the time for being single. You're obviously a smart capable girl who has been successful in many respects. And you are now doing all you can to find success in a relationship. You're doing you're best so be good to yourself.

thegreatgonzo

castaway_lady wrote: »

I feel like Im on the outside of the world looking in and am bemused by it all. I needed to at least have some evidence that a relationship was possible or likely at some stage. I wanted to have some fun and gain some normal experience.
QUOTE]
I do know what you mean about feeling like you are on the outside looking in. But you have to remember that this is just a perception you have about being single. You could be in a relationship and still feel like this.
There are all different types of 'romantic' relationships and some of them are far from normal or pleasant. There are men I wish I'd never met.
A lot of people are in relationships that I'm sure you wouldn't wish for yourself. Just being in a relationship wouldn't guarantee you fun or a positive experience.

QUOTE] But drama groups and the likes holds absolutely no interest for me. I looked at meetup but the nearest local group is all about wine tasting sessions, opera and tapas- again nothing there for me. QUOTE]

But think about what interests you do have. There must be something that gives you a warm fuzzy feeling and make the effort to either indulge in it or chat to people with similar interests. This can really help how you feel about yourself, it worked for me anyway.

DoozerT6

castaway_lady wrote: »

Folks thanks for the responses. Im just monumentally frustrated and roadblocked. I manage to work hard on pushing it aside for a while but Im just so fed up of never having anything going on in that regard. Its not that marriage or kids is on my mind, its just that Ive had a lifetime of being totally single, devoid of flings or anything guy related. I feel like Im on the outside of the world looking in and am bemused by it all. I needed to at least have some evidence that a relationship was possible or likely at some stage. I wanted to have some fun and gain some normal experience...
...The ironic thing is if one had to actually bite, I wouldn't have had the experience or wherewithal to know what to do with him.

Your first paragraph is exactly how I feel about it. And is why I continued to see that guy for a few weeks when I knew it wouldn't go anywhere. Just to feel like 'somebody's someone' and gain PRACTICAL experience with a guy - quite literally, what do you DO with someone???? How does 'seeing someone' work? How am I meant to feel? Do I kiss him when he comes in the door? Should we be having sex more or less often?? Should I be suggesting activities and nights out or just hanging out at home?? (or should he be doing that)? Do I have to shave my legs more often than I do currently? What should we be talking about? How much should I tell him about myself? Am I interesting enough? Does he actually like me or are we both just passing the time with each other?

All questions the average teenager asks themselves when they first start dating, not an almost-40 year old.

OP, I think you mentioned before that relocating (for more life options) is not an option for you, so if this really bothers you (as it does me) then probably a whole life-shakeup is required. This year has probably been the most uneventful and boring of my life so far, partly because I drifted away from a friend who was my primary source of a social life (we don't really have anything in common any more, other than we have known each other for many years). This year I have gained weight, lost confidence due to lack of success in dating, stay in every weekend (haven't been in a pub since about August) and am self-aware enough to know that this is not helping me!!

I know what I need to do - lose the excess weight that makes me feel so unattractive lately, join a group(s) of some sort to re-expand my non-existent social circle, and make my life more interesting for MYSELF. You sound quite social and have activities you like - would you consider next year putting the activities you do on hold, to try new ones? Have a good long think about the kind of things you do versus the kind of results you want. Of course it can't all be deliberate, eg doing a car maintenance class or some other male-dominated activity just to meet guys but there may be other things, even if you have to travel a bit to get to them, that you could try? Ask around at work, say you are looking for new hobbies for the new year. A friend of a friend met someone through a canoeing group she joined. What you are doing is obviously not working for you in terms of your romantic life, even if you are comfortable with it and enjoy it. It's probably time to try new things, even if it involves a bit of effort to do it.

I guess it goes without saying that guys are visual creatures. I am aware that I need to make more of an effort with my appearance after not bothering too much this year with stylish clothes, hairstyling or much makeup. Nobody is saying you have to turn into a dollybird (I have no intentions of it either!) but I guess making sure we wear decent clothes (I have a habit of wearing the same things over and over, sometimes for years!) and make an effort with the auld visage might help somewhat.

Now, if only I would follow my own advice, haha!!! Hopefully 2014 will be a better year for me and you both, OP. I really hope so, because I know how crappy it feels to be constantly passed over for someone else...

castaway_lady

Right said I may update you nice people. I had a think and decided one last effort at online dating so Ive invested on a paid site for a short term. Even after a week and a half on it, its telling me that it's just too late for this now. I started chatting to a guy about an hour away from me, who is kinda suggesting a meet up over the holiday period. While I haven't said yes or no, it just puts the reality of being totally developmentally retarded at this stage in very real terms and I cannot tell a 40 year old man that. Weirdly that thought might actually make it easier to accept the whole giving up thing.

p.s. can someone email me in Feb and remind me to cancel that subscription before I get charged again

castaway_lady

Right said I may update you nice people. I had a think and decided one last effort at online dating so Ive invested on a paid site for a short term. Even after a week and a half on it, its telling me that it's just too late for this now. I started chatting to a guy about an hour away from me, who is kinda suggesting a meet up over the holiday period. While I haven't said yes or no, it just puts the reality of being totally developmentally retarded at this stage in very real terms and I cannot tell a 40 year old man that. Weirdly that thought might actually make it easier to accept the whole giving up thing.

p.s. can someone email me in Feb and remind me to cancel that subscription before I get charged again

IHeartShoes

You should go on the date, if at all possible. Face your fear. The first thing out of your mouth does not have to be about your lack of experience:). It really isn't the most important thing about you. You come across as so likeable on here. Just be your funny charming intelligent self and go with the flow.

Lack of experience might not even be an issue for this chap and if it is, the date itself is great experience. They get easier and OD is a numbers game. I don't want to put you off but you could get through a lot of guys but you find one that appeals. It's all good fun. Just don't take it personally. Think that's the best tip I can give you:). We all have our issues. Yours is experience, mine is something else but doesn't mean we should stop trying and retreat to some solitary existence?

Don't give up. Would be a shame to deny some deserving chap the opportunity of meeting someone as fab as you:)

Best of luck!

LegacyUser

castaway_lady wrote: »

Right said I may update you nice people. I had a think and decided one last effort at online dating so Ive invested on a paid site for a short term. Even after a week and a half on it, its telling me that it's just too late for this now. I started chatting to a guy about an hour away from me, who is kinda suggesting a meet up over the holiday period. While I haven't said yes or no, it just puts the reality of being totally developmentally retarded at this stage in very real terms and I cannot tell a 40 year old man that. Weirdly that thought might actually make it easier to accept the whole giving up thing.

p.s. can someone email me in Feb and remind me to cancel that subscription before I get charged again

As a guy in the same position I understand every thing in your posts, I assume like you, and many others I am successfully in every other aspect of my life, but at this stage I don’t want to marry or get into anything serious but just experience the dating/casual sex scene I feel I have missed out on.

A few tips I would give you are :

1 .Dress the best way you can afford, get professional help or ask the staff in a shop if you need it.

2. Learn to smile from within, yes I know that sounds a little flaky but learn to be happy and let that show on your face, smile at strangers, especially men; so that smiling become an automatic reaction, trust me they will not think you are easy or slutty etc. Guys like complements as much as women. If you see a guy you like go and say hi, e.g. you can use his fashion sense as an ice breaker, even if nothing develops you will build your confidence. Go out and say you will approach 5 men that evening, nothing more than a hello will do but this will help you become more confident.

3. It took me less than 6 weeks to be able to walk into a pub sober on my own and approach the best looking girl in there and get her phone number, nothing happened but the experience was mind blowing, so it is possible to turn things around.

4. Make small talk with everybody you interact with, especially men, learn to try and create a deeper rapport - given the situation - from retail staff to guys in a pub. This will help you develop a deeper level of conversational skills required to engage with men when out.

As someone who has done internet dating I felt it was full of people with a unrealistic expectations on relationships and potential mates etc. yes I know that includes me but I never really hit it off in the same way I would if I meet someone in a pub, maybe this is your problem, the medium you use as apposed to a fault in your looks or character.

Men as you know are initially visual oriented, so dress well, be relaxed in your body, smile, be cocky but funny and if a guy is not what you think he is, drop him and move onto the next one, there are thousands of men out there, especially in your age group who are feed up of the pub scene and are looking for the same things you are, companionship, sex, love, a partner etc. so open your eyes and be the best person you can be.

Finally when out with your friends use them as a base, don’t get too involved in a conversation with the girls, or don’t be unapproachable, a lot of guys I know can’t be arsed chatting people up as it is too much work, girls have made it a little too difficult by been standoffish or cold, have some fun with a guy if he approaches you, if you are not interested be polite about it – trust me guys may tell you they want a perfect 10 girlfriend but many will be more than happy with someone who is fun to be with.

Best of luck and remember your best friend is you, no person in the universe can understand you better than you do, so go easy on yourself because no one else will.

Stavro Mueller

I think you should go on the date for the experience. It's a date, not a marriage proposal. What do you have to lose by meeting him? If he likes you then he'd be an utter ass to be put off by your lack of a track record. And if he's someone you don't click with, then you're not going to be discussing your past history anyway.

Typer Monkey

I must admit I'm a bit confused. Your initial problem was a lack of dating experience and a desire to meet somebody. You have an opportunity to gain definitely one, possibly both, here and you're giving up before you even try. Everybody finds first dates nerve wracking, no matter how experienced. Doing something new outside your comfort zone makes everybody apprehensive.

Do it. Be brave. Otherwise how will you ever solve your lack of experience?

stargazer 68

OP go on the date! Its a date, he hasn't asked you to move in! I did online dating for several years and gave up many times. A couple of years ago I met someone and we are still together - planning on buying a house next year! :eek:

You never know what could happen unless you give it a go!

Merkin

castaway_lady wrote: »

Right said I may update you nice people. I had a think and decided one last effort at online dating so Ive invested on a paid site for a short term. Even after a week and a half on it, its telling me that it's just too late for this now. I started chatting to a guy about an hour away from me, who is kinda suggesting a meet up over the holiday period. While I haven't said yes or no, it just puts the reality of being totally developmentally retarded at this stage in very real terms and I cannot tell a 40 year old man that. Weirdly that thought might actually make it easier to accept the whole giving up thing.

p.s. can someone email me in Feb and remind me to cancel that subscription before I get charged again

Why are you being so utterly defeatist? Even for the most seasoned campaigners there is an element of "putting oneself out there" when embarking on online (blind) dating.

What exactly do you mean by the statement in bold?

So what if you haven't got a score sheet of past boyfriends? I'd say the people who are serial monogamists but consistently choose douche bag partners are a lot more stunted developmentally. You just haven't met the right person yet. It happens. There is nothing wrong with YOU. And if you believe that then you will project it.

Go on the date woman and use it as practice! He could be the love of your life or he could be a douche bag but we all have to start somewhere!

Let us know how you get on x

sharper

castaway_lady wrote: »

While I haven't said yes or no, it just puts the reality of being totally developmentally retarded at this stage in very real terms and I cannot tell a 40 year old man that. Weirdly that thought might actually make it easier to accept the whole giving up thing.

I think the best approach is to be honest about how you're feeling - you want go on a date, you want to go on a date with him (we assume) but you don't date much and it all makes you very nervous.

Thinking of an initial meeting as a date is probably the wrong way to go, it's just going to make you anxious. Make your initial meeting something casual like a mid day cup of coffee somewhere public. Think of it as initial "Do we get on ok in person" check before a "real" date. Then you can get over the initial block and if you actually like him in person you'll feel more motivation and comfort for a longer meeting.

It's very hard to go from "No relationship, no dates" and people that have spent their lives in them don't realise how natural it is to them to execute the behaviours that allow them to do so. My own approach to managing anxiety is to break things off into the smallest possible chunk and worry about nothing past that.

miamee

Exactly right ^^
First dates/meetings are usually very casual as far as conversation goes. You are unlikely to be talking about past relationships or experiences (or lack of).
Find out about each other, what you like doing, what films you like, what music you like, places you'd like to visit! It's just to see if you like or loathe each other before maybe arranging another date.

You don't have to tell him (or anyone) anything unless you want to or they ask specifically and you don't want to mislead...otherwise it is your business and no one else's.

castaway_lady

IHeartShoes wrote: »

Don't give up. Would be a shame to deny some deserving chap the opportunity of meeting someone as fab as you:)

^ Am liking this

I know what Im saying seems like a bucket load of contradictions, tbh that's how this whole aspect of life looks from my point of view.
Self-image is at the core of it, I know that. This hasn't been enough to attract anyone previously and that is fairly haunting.

I actually have no real problem communicating with men in general. In fact it's often easier than with women because I work with predominantly men and am well used to the banter there. And that's the 'me' that comes across in the email/text exchange.
Anyway if it gets to date stage I will go, Id have a hard time forgiving myself if I didn't.
(now does anyone know if there's an Irish version of Hitch for women?)

apieceofcake

I don't see any reason why you shouldn't go on the date. He mightn't be the love of your life but it's a night out with someone new.

You seem lovely from your posts, so just be yourself, and you never know what might happen.

The dating game can be difficult.. a lot of it, in my opinion, boils down to luck, but also it involves being open about who you might meet...
Best of luck with it!

Semele

Go on the date! You don't have to tell him about your lack of experience. If you're really nervous then just say you've never met anyone off a dating site before. Everyone gets why that might feel strange the first couple of times. You need to get through that mental block, because that's holding you back as much as anything else.

judge_dredd

agree with the above , you dont have to act like your in the witness box in a courthouse while on a first date , in fact you could lie a little and say " oh i havent been in a relationship in a while " or fob off questions about previous boyfriends , most guys wont be that interested in your dating past anyway and are unlikely to bring it up unless you do

people only know what you tell em OP , you sound like a very genuine person OP but dont be afraid to act a little , we all do it when meeting complete strangers , dont have any expecations , your priority is to get some dates under your belt , your like a boxer training for the bigger bouts down the road

ruaille buaille

Would u be open to trying speed dating? You would get to meet different men straight away without the bother of pictures and messages etc. They could see u in person and chat so it just might be the thing to work for u

castaway_lady

Irrespective of the fact that Im home on Stephens' night with the remote control and the cat speed dating isn't a bridge Im prepared to cross. Nooooo way Im walking into an event like that solo.

stargazer 68

castaway_lady wrote: »

Irrespective of the fact that Im home on Stephens' night with the remote control and the cat speed dating isn't a bridge Im prepared to cross. Nooooo way Im walking into an event like that solo.

Have you no one that would go with you? Even a mate in a relationship would go - yes I know it defeats the purpose of the event but it could be worth a try

castaway_lady

No I don't and speed dating isn't a remotely appealing way to feel worse about it all. New year and fresh perspective, Ive pretty much decided that Im going to remove my online profiles. I've been persisting with this for over a year now to no avail and I don't think it's doing me any favours having checking into that in my head multiple times per week. Only so many sources of rejection a gal needs & all that. The date that was in the pipleline never materialised, Houdini strikes again.
Going from one new years to the next without a morcel of progress gives a fair amount of perspective. So I think 'over & out' would be the kindest thing I could do for me now.

Potatoeman

castaway_lady wrote: »

No I don't and speed dating isn't a remotely appealing way to feel worse about it all. New year and fresh perspective, Ive pretty much decided that Im going to remove my online profiles. I've been persisting with this for over a year now to no avail and I don't think it's doing me any favours having checking into that in my head multiple times per week. Only so many sources of rejection a gal needs & all that. The date that was in the pipleline never materialised, Houdini strikes again.
Going from one new years to the next without a morcel of progress gives a fair amount of perspective. So I think 'over & out' would be the kindest thing I could do for me now.

If you have no pics up it really is an uphill struggle. Many people on there will have a few prospects on the go as a backup if things fizzel out too so dont take too long before meeting someone.

A friend of mine was going to give it up as he had bad luck but he was going after only girls he considered 10's (rollseyes) and ignoring the other girls he was attracted to. He also sent very generic messages. When he went after a larger number of women he done far better.