Is my boyfriend aggressive

LegacyUser

Hi
I am just a bit confused today. My boyfriend is usually a very nice guy were together 4 years. Yesterday he went out for a few drinks and the village idiot/ alco insulted him - something about his job. He came home upset/ angry I said ah sure he s always giving out to someone. Later we had an argument over something silly and he kicked over the coffee table. My dog was lying near it and got kinda scared.i got a bit of a fright too.. I started to cry and he said oh what are you crying for.
He went out and sat on the stairs with the dog apologising / making friends with him and he came in and apologised to me.. I told him to sleep in the spare room. I never seen him like that before although he threw something once before when we argued but not at me or in my direction. Can people just turn aggressive or is this an isolated incident..?????

Cuddlesworth

I would be what you would consider a "passive male". I still would get the urge to hit something if I was really angry or frustrated.

So I don't think a isolated incident in which he intended no harm to anything besides a in animate table is a huge concern. Its not his normal behaviour.

I would ask what he was so concerned about why he was so affected by a comment about his job. Is he unhappy in his current role?

judgefudge

I don't think he sounds aggressive, everyone gets mad sometimes. Especially when upset. We have all slammed doors or broken things in the heat of the moment. 2 incidents in 4 years is not a lot, and he apologised afterwards.

Merkin

I'd cut him some slack. Sounds like he was very upset and lost his temper but if he is otherwise a good boyfriend then I'd put this down to a one-off incident and tell him to avoid the village idiot in future if he's able to rile him up to that extent.

Santa Cruz

Looks like a Yellow Card offence to me. If it continues you know what you have to do. Don't say that you didn't see the signals. People are supposed to be able to control their aggressive tendencies.

hsianloon

Come on guys.... none of us here ever burst out in anger before? Cut the guy some slack...

Let's just. see what tomorrow brings

Lux23

Santa Cruz wrote: »

Looks like a Yellow Card offence to me. If it continues you know what you have to do. Don't say that you didn't see the signals. People are supposed to be able to control their aggressive tendencies.

I don't agree, he knocked something over, not her. We all lose the head sometimes, slam doors, throw things and shout. If this guy has done it twice in four years, he's a pussy cat!

YumCha

Lux23 wrote: »

I don't agree, he knocked something over, not her. We all lose the head sometimes, slam doors, throw things and shout. If this guy has done it twice in four years, he's a pussy cat!

We all?

I definitely wouldn't tolerate ANY of the things you mentioned.

OP - If what he did is enough to scare you and ask him to sleep in the spare room - then that's not okay. People can argue over what's 'acceptable' or not, but the point is whether YOU'RE okay with it - or not, which seems to be the case.

I'd be talking to him about it, letting him know how it made you feel, and discuss what you want (i.e. if it's not for it to happen again). Get his side of things too - but I think he's completely overreacted, and an unchecked display of anger like this would certainly make me uncomfortable too...

Lux23

You must be surrounded by perfect people then or worse those that never vent!

OP, I wouldn't say the guy has a temper or is aggressive. He did two mildly aggressive things that weren't so much directed at you, but merely as a way of venting said aggression or bad humour. We all get like this sometimes - people slam doors, kick things, throw things - it just feels good. And is a good way to channel the way you're feeling. You know your boyfriend. Outside of these two incidents, has he done anything else in four years, that would be seen as aggressive? It's been four years, if someone is like that, it'd be hard to hide it for that long.

DazMarz

I just think you're overreacting to your boyfriend's overreaction. People lose their cool. It happens. We don't want it to happen. We always strive to keep our heads. But we're all only human, and sometimes we need to give a physiological response to a psychological prompt; in other words, we get so angry, we need to lash out.

If seeing someone kicking over a coffee table is the most violent, aggressive act you've ever seen... don't go near any kind of a city or town on a Friday night so.

I can appreciate that sometimes seeing people flip in anger can be a scary thing. Of course it can. But in the 4 years you've been with your boyfriend, he's been so angry he's been "violent" (in the loosest sense of the word) twice? Twice in 4 years? He's hardly a hothead, now is he?

If you want to throw away what sounds like a perfectly normal relationship with a perfectly normal man, then do so. But you will be hard pressed to find any man (or woman for that matter) who will not on occasion get angry and possibly need to vent that anger.

It is far more damaging in the long run to bottle up anger and emotion or the whole lot will come cascading out in a far more gory explosion than just a little venting of anger like you witnessed.

Accept his apology and move on.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies I wasn't expecting so many, I think I was more upset the dog was near the table and he scared him. I had an ******* of an ex before that kicked him when he was angry so maybe it brought that back. No he s not aggressive usually it did give me a fright tho and I don't want that crap in my home and I told him if hes gonna start acting like that then forget it... I think he does have issues with his job as he had nearly the highest leaving results possible and didn't bother going to college and has a regular job and I know he regrets it he is 34 now and I know it bothers him... anyhoo thanks for all the replies.. I just did get a fright... (its a big coffee table)... he is very embarrassed today about it and im not really talking to him fully yet... but I suppose ill let him off this time.. I just really don't want to be in a relationship where someone goes for a few drinks and comes home doing things like that... someone asked if im surrounded by perfect people I certainly am not.. its just not how we do things in this relationship.. maybe its good to let out anger I would nt do it myself anyway.. thanks again x

Rosy Posy

Op I think I understand where you're coming from. I think you need to look at your past experience to see how it's effecting the way you relate to your current boyfriend.

I was previously in a controlling relationship with a guy who had unpredictable violent outbursts. My husband couldn't be more different in temperament but he does martial arts, and occasionally he'd want to demonstrate a new move or hold, just wanting to show me what he'd learnt; but when he did it my heart would start racing and I'd almost be in the first stages of a panic attack. What he was doing was totally non-threatening but because of my previous experience I perceived it in a threatening way on a physiological level. We discussed it and he knows now that it's very important for me to keep that boundary, and that stuff like play fighting is out; but also I acknowledge that the issue is mine and his behaviour is not what needs to be called into question, but that of my previous boyfriend. I wonder if the incident triggered a response in you that related to your past experience that you're projecting onto your current relationship? I know for me, once I broke the cycle of control and violence it became extremely important to me to maintain clear boundaries so that I would not return to such a place of disempowerment again. I think you need to have a good think about the emotions that this incident has stirred up, maybe discuss with a friend or counsellor, and then discuss with your boyfriend your possible triggers and needs around expression or management of anger.

meeeeh

We are both temperamental, slamming the doors or kicking something (not someone) wouldn't be that uncommon. But we are also very secure in the knowledge that our blow offs are there to ease the situation and in no way we would be violent towards each other or our kids. While I appreciate that not everybody would be comfortable with that and that the context is very important, sulking about something for days and giving people silent treatment can be a lot more damaging. I'm making a general point, not saying that OP is doing anything like that.

What I'm trying to say is that context is what matters. Somebody who is very quiet and level headed blowing off can be a lot more scary than someone temperamental. The most innocent reaction can be actually very severe because what matters is how recipient feels about it. If he keeps on doing it even though it makes you very uncomfortable then I think his actions are very wrong, if it was an isolated out burst not realizing how it will make feel then I'd let it go.

But I think that you are worried that you are in potentially abusive relationship and that things will escalate. Nobody can answer that. All we can say is that he blew off some steam without harming anybody. A lot of people, including myself do that, but some people also escalate in their actions.

LegacyUser

Hi Thanks again for all the replies..
Yes sometimes I compare him to my ex as he was a nasty piece of work and I ve tried to work a lot on myself after that relationship to avoid it again.It did remind me of him! .. ill just keep a mental note of it but I definitely wont be tolerating someone taking their crap out on me in our home in future.. I suppose ive done it myself before and it would nt be regular maybe once a year.. I suppose it just had me worried I was going back to an unhealthy relationship again..... Thanks again

RoscommonTom

I think if was natural agressive hed have puked the head of the fella what started on him, sounds like he deserves an other chance,