In the closet and in a relationship

eaglach

I was hoping you guys could help me. I've been in a relationship for the past few months and it's going really well. The problem is that we are both kind of still in the closet and we don't know where to go from here.

Basically only some of our friends know, and have only known for a short while, both that we're gay and that we're in a relationship. They have no problem with it, and are supportive so that's great. The problem is when it comes to the rest of the people we know, other friends, work colleagues and of course, family.

I am really only speaking for myself, but what is the best way to come out to the remainder of my friends and family? The first time I came out, I just told my closest friends and it was kind of a big thing for me.

Do I even need to make a thing of it and come out to them? Should I just leave it be and only tell them if it happens to crop up in conversation? I am not too worried about them finding out, but I don't want to make a huge deal of it. I would like them to know though.

The family on the other hand might be more difficult. I am in a relationship and my family knows nothing. I usually tell my family everything and to keep such a big part of my life a secret just feels wrong. Then again, I don't want to have a silly awkward conversation where I sit them down and tell them. I am slightly worried how they would respond as well. Is there any easy way to do this?

Sorry about the long winded and pointless post, but to sum it up, did you feel the need to sit down and come out to your friends and family or did you just let it happen naturally, like by word of mouth or in passing conversation? What do you feel is the best way to do it?

Thanks.

freshpopcorn

By any chance does your friends/family all ready know because I have experienced people in your situation before.
Once was a guy that I went to college with that was in a relationship with somebody. He had told his close friends but not the rest of the class for a first few months. People kind of suspected it and after a few months he came out to everyone, His best friends had dropped a few hints at people tough.(They didn't mean to out him it's just the way they said stuff)
The second is with my brother. He was in his late twenties when he came out and we all had a fair idea he was gay with a couple of years(not so much my dad, but he still taught my brother was 19):D He lived miles away from home but in the months prior to him coming out we noticed he was very busy in the evening/weekends. I remember having a conversation with my sister saying that mike must be seeing SOMEONE. When he did come out we told him we had a fair idea and he was shocked that we even thought that he could be gay.( He taught he hide it well)
I would advise telling you mam or dad(if they would be accepting) anyway just so they know. It wouldn't be nice for them hearing it from someone in the street. Sometimes when people come out to their parents they can get a bit of a negative reaction( sometimes its just because there shocked) other times you can get a really positive reaction and some people do get a total negative reaction and it does take time for these relationships to recover but sometimes they don't.

floggg

eaglach wrote: »

I was hoping you guys could help me. I've been in a relationship for the past few months and it's going really well. The problem is that we are both kind of still in the closet and we don't know where to go from here.

Basically only some of our friends know, and have only known for a short while, both that we're gay and that we're in a relationship. They have no problem with it, and are supportive so that's great. The problem is when it comes to the rest of the people we know, other friends, work colleagues and of course, family.

I am really only speaking for myself, but what is the best way to come out to the remainder of my friends and family? The first time I came out, I just told my closest friends and it was kind of a big thing for me.

Do I even need to make a thing of it and come out to them? Should I just leave it be and only tell them if it happens to crop up in conversation? I am not too worried about them finding out, but I don't want to make a huge deal of it. I would like them to know though.

The family on the other hand might be more difficult. I am in a relationship and my family knows nothing. I usually tell my family everything and to keep such a big part of my life a secret just feels wrong. Then again, I don't want to have a silly awkward conversation where I sit them down and tell them. I am slightly worried how they would respond as well. Is there any easy way to do this?

Sorry about the long winded and pointless post, but to sum it up, did you feel the need to sit down and come out to your friends and family or did you just let it happen naturally, like by word of mouth or in passing conversation? What do you feel is the best way to do it?

Thanks.

There's not really any way to avoid the sit awkward conversation with your family. If you have a close relationship with them, then it's best to tell them in person and not let them hear through the grapevine.

Perhaps handing them a letter setting out what you want to say, and then letting them talk to you afterwards abs ask any questions etc might take some of the awkwardness.

As for the rest, it's really up to you how, if and when you do it. If you've told your close friends, then you could just say them that they are free to say it to however if it comes up in conversation.

Let them casually do the work for you.

Otherwise, it's probably just a case of mentioning it if and when it comes up. No need to say anything until it does - unless of course yiu want.

It can get kind of annoying having to "come out" to acquaintances etc on a regular basis but after a while it will be old news.

Particularly if you feel comfortable with others sharing the news, as it will get around your circle organically (rather than in a gossipy way) and soon be forgotten.

eaglach

freshpopcorn wrote: »

I would advise telling you mam or dad(if they would be accepting) anyway just so they know. It wouldn't be nice for them hearing it from someone in the street. Sometimes when people come out to their parents they can get a bit of a negative reaction( sometimes its just because there shocked) other times you can get a really positive reaction and some people do get a total negative reaction and it does take time for these relationships to recover but sometimes they don't.

I can see where you're coming from. I don't think they'd like to hear it from someone on the street. Would it be better if maybe I told a sibling and got them to say it to them? I really want to avoid an awkward sit down with my parents and to come out to them. I'd rather it was done in such a way that it's not a big deal.

Do you think if I told them semi-casually that it wouldn't be as big a blow? I mean, if you sit down with your parents and tell them "I've something important to tell you" it immediately sends out the signal that it's bad/they won't like what I'll tell them. Wheras if I just said it casually in passing they might get a better vibe if you know what I mean?

floggg wrote: »

There's not really any way to avoid the sit awkward conversation with your family. If you have a close relationship with them, then it's best to tell them in person and not let them hear through the grapevine.

Perhaps handing them a letter setting out what you want to say, and then letting them talk to you afterwards abs ask any questions etc might take some of the awkwardness.

Similar to what I said above, would it not be easier either for another member of the family or maybe to just to say it in passing (maybe go as far as making light of the situation) that it might go down better? I don't have an extremely close relationship with my parents, that is, we're not big on emotional stuff so that will make it harder.

I just hate having to bat away the "any girlfriends" questions all the time and lying to them.

freshpopcorn

eaglach wrote: »

I can see where you're coming from. I don't think they'd like to hear it from someone on the street. Would it be better if maybe I told a sibling and got them to say it to them? I really want to avoid an awkward sit down with my parents and to come out to them. I'd rather it was done in such a way that it's not a big deal.

Do you think if I told them semi-casually that it wouldn't be as big a blow? I mean, if you sit down with your parents and tell them "I've something important to tell you" it immediately sends out the signal that it's bad/they won't like what I'll tell them. Wheras if I just said it casually in passing they might get a better vibe if you know what I mean?

You don't need to have a big family meeting with your parents. Just pick a convenient time some evening and just tell them. You don't even have to tell both of them together. Have you ever heard them mention gay people in a negative/positive way?

eaglach

freshpopcorn wrote: »

You don't need to have a big family meeting with your parents. Just pick a convenient time some evening and just tell them. You don't even have to tell both of them together. Have you ever heard them mention gay people in a negative/positive way?

My mother occassionaly mentions gay people, never negative, but usually in wonderment, something that is completely alien to her. I don't think I've ever heard my father talk about gay people before, which I never realised until just now. I'd be worried about telling him. Not that he would be angry or anything, but we just don't talk about things like that and I can only imagine it being very uncomfortable for everyone involved.

freshpopcorn

eaglach wrote: »

My mother occassionaly mentions gay people, never negative, but usually in wonderment, something that is completely alien to her. I don't think I've ever heard my father talk about gay people before, which I never realised until just now. I'd be worried about telling him. Not that he would be angry or anything, but we just don't talk about things like that and I can only imagine it being very uncomfortable for everyone involved.

Sometimes you just have to go for it in my opinion( as long as you have somewhere to go if they don't take the news well. But normally the news goes down well enough. Sometimes it might be a shock and it might take them a while to get their heads around it. My dad would have being really homophobic before my brother came out but he changed he is his his late sixties now and if one of his friends made a homophobic comment he would give out to them now so people can change.
A lot of father and sons don't talk about issues/gay issues.
If you were to come out. I think it would be better coming from you(imo). It's nothing to be ashamed of and doesn't have to be a big deal. Just some night if your alone with your mam and the mood is good enough. Just bring it up and tell her.

qweerty

eaglach wrote: »

My mother occassionaly mentions gay people, never negative, but usually in wonderment, something that is completely alien to her.

Lol! Mine's exactly the same. I'm closeted, and she once said to me, "It must be awful to be gay". She meant it because of the adolescent insecurity, the hassle of coming out, the lack of acceptance in society, etc. But, it still stung a little!

My being closeted obviously doesn't give my opinion much credibility!! But, what I intend to do is ring my mother, and be like, "Hey, I can't really talk now, I'm in a rush...anyway, was wondering if we could have a chat later, just want to tell you that I'm G A Y" And then be like, "But, gotta go. Ttyl."

It sounds as if, like me, it's just the hassle and awkwardness of coming out. I've seen some really horrible situations online: a gay couple was on the television and the father said something like, "Look at them...filthy animals". And, another one said with his son in his company, "If one of my kids were gay, I'd kick him out of the house"!

Good luck! And let us know!

PeteK*

eaglach wrote: »

The problem is when it comes to the rest of the people we know, other friends, work colleagues and of course, family.

:pac: I was the opposite, I wanted my family to know first. Apparently they already knew. People I'm not that close to don't know I am but I don't hide it at all.

Once my family knew, I wasn't bothered who else did. Good luck!

lucky333

Chances are they all already know,. If it was me I wouldn't be worrying about what of friends or family thought. Just get on with it, with your partner, and be happy.