Stuck in an abusive relationship

LegacyUser

Hi,

Haven't posted in this forum before but I'm sitting here on a Sunday morning at the end of my line and don't really know where to turn to for advice. I'm a male 25 years old and I'm in an emotionaly abusive relationship. I've been with my girlfriend for 8 years and we have a young son who I adore, the relationship was good for a long time but over the past few years it has gone downhill, we barely communicate anymore , she constantly puts me down, makes me feel horrible and I can barely remember the person I used to be, I'm broken and feel like shell of a man.

My son is the core here, I love him more than life itself and could never do anything that would hurt him, my girlfriend knows this and uses him as a weapon against me. If I left here I know she would deny me access to him and fight me on it. I don't know my rights (but I have started to look into it) but I know in Ireland I don't have a leg to stand on. On one hand I know that long term this isn't going to work anymore but on the other I always just wanted a happy family for him but I just can't see that happening anymore.

I provide for them, I do everything I can but it's never enough, my friends have tried to help they tell me I look a mess, have bags under my eyes, that I'm being taken advantage of and I know all of this is true but I can't bring myself to do anything about it because I'm terrified of not seeing my son.

Sorry if this is the wrong forum I just don't know what to do anymore.

Raminahobbin

terrafrom wrote: »

I always just wanted a happy family for him but I just can't see that happening anymore.

The one thing I've learned in the last few years is that you can't make a happy 'family' or a happy 'relationship'. They are not 'real', tangible things. If you spend all your time trying to force this invisible connection to be healthy, it does nothing but deplete your own energy and result in the exact opposite.

What makes the invisible connection healthy is if everybody involved at the ends of the connection looks after themselves and focuses on their own side of the connection. The ONLY way for you to give your son what you want to give him is if you make yourself happy. Okay, so it might not mean he gets a traditional family unit, but he will DEFINITELY prefer a happy father. It will give him something to look up to, something to teach him the value of his own worth. What are you teaching him by staying?

There are always fears and challenges to overcome when making big changes in life, but your ability to control this is limited. Prioritise and recognise what you need to do.

Ann84

Sorry your having such a rough time. Your very responsible in your attitude to raising your son and not wanting to do that in a tense situation.
If you decide to leave, you need to get joint guardianship first. Get some legal advice on this, if you have been an active and involved parent since your son was born this shouldn't be an issue in theory but again get legal advice.
Where it gets complicated is around access and maintenance.
You need to think about how often (practically!) you would be able to take your son with work commitments etc, and figure out the appropriate maintenance based on your income...

It can be done alright, you just need to be clear On what you want to get in relationship to access, not from your ex, but from a judge. You need to show you are serious and can stick to any arrangement made, your reasons for wanting access and that you will continue to be financially responsible also. In this way, your ex's use of your son as a weapon will be obvious in court.

I would recommend mediation in the longer term as court can be stressful, but only when the legal framework is in place and if you and your ex can eventually communicate ok!


Good luck,

Little Acorn

Excellent advice there from Ann84, definitely try to get guardianship if you are unmarried.
Here's a link to AMEN which helps men who are trapped in abusive relationships. It covers emotional abuse as well as physical. http://www.amen.ie/

ivytwine

My heart broke as I read your post OP, you come across as such a decent person and a very devoted father.

Ann is right, do explore guardianship. It is very difficult for fathers in this country especially if your partner decides to make things that way.

I would also like to point out that, as the child of separated parents, it's possible for your child to have a good relationship with both of you and grow up to be a healthy person. Many of my friends are in my boat and we all turned out ok. My parents really really weren't suited and the relationship wasn't healthy. I shudder to think what I'd have been like if they stayed together.

However, if there was love there once between you and your partner, would you consider going to couples counselling to resolve the issues? Or do you feel it has gone too far?