How do I fix this?

LegacyUser · 24-11-2013 11:15am #1

Met a girl about 2 years ago. Both of us in our 30's. Lets call her Sophie.

I guess I wasn't looking for anything serious with Sophie but she has this quality, I just am drawn to her. I can't explain it. She's really cute, kind, thoughtful and unfortunately really emotional which i find hard to deal with.

We arent a couple right now. I had a girlfriend for a long time a few years ago but I felt like i wanted to see the world and was too young to settle down. I never got to see the world due to negative equity amongst other things. I still feel I need to get this out of my system

So, I have ruined things with Sophie every time we've tried to have a relationship. She's been quite understanding about my need to get away and has agreed to be friends, but I want to be more than her friend....but l I know if I get with Sophie we will end up being in something serious and I'll want to escape, so I stop it happening (I actually had counselling about this) we'll meet up and do something fun (not sexual) and if we have a really fun time I can predict that 3 days later I'll get an extremely emotional text or phone call from her telling me she really cares about me and can't keep doing this to herself etc etc. So she'll vanish until I get drunk and call her and the cycle starts again. I think about her all the time and have no interest in anyone else so I'm not playing games here. Having said that, Sophie, always says she wants a relationship and I always say I am not in the right headspace but when I am she is all I want. She's OK with that.

I was away for a few weeks on holiday and I didn't hear much from Sophie when I was away. Randomly some girl I met while away posted something on my facebook shortly after I got home. Nothing happened between me and this girl. Sophie texted me shortly after she posted it telling me I was allowed to do whatever I wanted on my holiday but she felt being my facebook friend was rubbing her nose in it so she was deleting me from facebook and wants to now pretend she never met me, but she's not doing it in a nasty way.

I explained how I met the girl and that nothing had happened, I was/am pretty honest. She told me what I do is none of her business and she didn't need to know. Then she went on to say she thinks she loves me and needs to go and I need to "let her" and she said I have been flirting and leading her on and it's not fair.

How can I fix this and get back to our special friendship? I actually care about her and really want to be her friend like we were. She knows when we try a relationship it doesn't work!!!!!!!

Any advcie?

HalloweenJack · 24-11-2013 12:01pm

You can't be friends with her. That's what she's saying. It doesn't work for her.

Anytime you guys do anything together, she starts telling you that she wants a relationship you. How can you ever be friends if anytime you do anything together she's going to tell you she has feelings for you?

I think your only option here is to let her go. She has told you she wants a relationship. You can have that with her but you need to be able to commit to her, which you've said you are not ready to do and you've also said that anytime you guys tried a relationship, it didn't work out.

Anything else you guys have is not going to be enough for her and she is never going to be able to move on if you are "friends" as having you in her life isn't going to make her feelings go away for you.

dellas1979 · 24-11-2013 12:15pm

I had to re-read your post because its all over the place.

You say at the start that you want to be more than friends then at the end you want to be her friend.

You have an obvious fear of committment, what ever has happened you in the past. Thats your issue. Not hers. And you are dragging a girl, who says she loves you, down with you.

In short, you are messing with her head.

If you care about this person, but you cant commit due to your issues, leave her alone to get over you and on with her life. What you are doing right now is actually quite selfish, due to what? Your fear of loosing your "special friendship". She is telling you that she cant continue like this, so listen to her. Not your selfish reasons. Not your ego. Not your fear. Listen to her.

rovoagho · 24-11-2013 12:21pm

Leave her alone, simple as.

Merkin · 24-11-2013 1:41pm

You're really and truly messing with this poor girls head. You're making false promises, playing with her emotions and basically using her when it suits. Leave her alone.

LegacyUser · 24-11-2013 3:09pm

I know I am messing with her head. I explained to her today, honestly, after I posted this that I'm going to pursue taking a year out because that's what I need and she agreed that I should and told me she's not even remotely angry with me because this is her issue and her own doing. She also has followed through and removed me from facebook which makes me quite sad. The other girl who posted on my page has nothing on her, I told her this too.

She's just said "take care"

I just dont want to lose her from my life and she's adamantly said to me a thousand times that she doesn't want me to make her any promises for the future. Today I just feel like i'm losing her and she really cares about me and nothing i can do will fix it. I want her in my life

thegreatgonzo · 24-11-2013 5:58pm

Mrmotivator56 wrote: »

She's really cute, kind, thoughtful and unfortunately really emotional which i find hard to deal with.

So she'll vanish until I get drunk and call her and the cycle starts again. I think about her all the time and have no interest in anyone else so I'm not playing games here. Having said that, Sophie, always says she wants a relationship and I always say I am not in the right headspace but when I am she is all I want.

How can I fix this and get back to our special friendship? I actually care about her and really want to be her friend like we were.
Any advcie?

My advice? Stop being so selfish and leave her alone. You don't deserve her. She's 'unfortunately very emotional'? From what you say she has been nothing but patient and honest with you whereas you have been leading her on giving her false hope.
She is trying to break free of you but you won't let her. You don't really want her but you won't let any one else have either.
You don't have a 'special friendship', you have an arrangement that suits you and you alone. if it was as special as you think it is she wouldn't be trying to get away from you.

bp · 24-11-2013 6:06pm

So not being harsh but you cannot be special friends without a relationship....now men and women can be friends but both must have feelings of friendship alone.

This woman is in her 30's and may have a ticking biological clock. She is in love with you and unfortunately if you don't feel the same and cannot commit to a relationship you have to let her go.

Each fun outing gives her hope of a future relationship. I think you need to give her space, tell her that she is a special friend but you cannot commit beyond that, therefore, for her own good, you won't text her or respond to texts.

Also you need to get the travelling bug/ commitment issues out of your system somehow or else life, relationships and a chance of a family will pas you by.

December2012 · 24-11-2013 6:09pm

You want to be friends with her on your own terms. That's very one sides and unfair. Your "friendship" sounds damaging to both of you so just let it die - all the indicators are there.

Keep up the counselling for your self destructive tendencies.

FLOWERS1 · 24-11-2013 9:17pm

I think Your being rather selfish You Want To Have Your Cake And Eat it and you appear to have no regard for her feeling's, she has told you how she feel's and your still stringing her along!!! She asked you to end the contact, but you cant help yourself - its cruel !!! pure and simple
if you truly cared you'd make a decision. YOU CANT HAVE BOTH!!! your messing with her head and preying on her emotions, so either respect her request not to contact her or ask her to travel with you??? or travel without her but stop messing her about!!!

maybe you do care about her but your definitely not treating her with any respect calling her up when your drunk like she was some kind of booty call, have some respect for her and respect the fact that its damaging for her, telling her you like her then rejecting her, I can only imagine that her self esteem must be on the floor to accept that kind of treatment

Grow up, take responsibility and try a little integrity

ITS HARSH BUT THE TRUTH

ShaShaBear · 25-11-2013 12:05pm

Why on earth would you be so cruel and selfish as to tell a girl you KNOW is in love with you that you are not ready for a relationship, but when you are it has to be her?
Talk about a classic line to keep your lifeboat handy! She feels exactly as you are treating her - used.

This is not her doing. It is not her issue. You've trampled on this poor girl's feelings over and over and over. She did not walk away - you pushed her. Stop teasing her and let her find someone who deserves her and treats her with respect and honesty.

MissFlitworth · 25-11-2013 12:11pm

A relationship doesn't work for you, a friendship doesn't work for her. So that's it, there's nothing there for either of you. It would be very, very cruel of you to pursue a friendship with someone who is in love with you and has asked you to leave her alone. She's the one who stands to get badly hurt out of it. Respect her wishes & leave her alone.

Merkin · 25-11-2013 12:13pm

Mrmotivator56 wrote: »

I just dont want to lose her from my life and she's adamantly said to me a thousand times that she doesn't want me to make her any promises for the future. Today I just feel like i'm losing her and she really cares about me and nothing i can do will fix it. I want her in my life

Wow. Your selfishness is staggering. I don't think you can possibly realise how selfish you're being. You don't want to lose her from your life as you like the ego massage, you like the thought of having someone waiting in the wings and you want to be able to use her when it suits because you know she's a more than willing victim.

Have a bit of compassion. Stop thinking of yourself for a single second and think about her and her feelings. She has done a brave thing by cutting you out, respect her and respect her wishes and go lick your wounds by yourself. If you actually really cared for her and loved her then you'd be in a relationship with her. You don't want to give her that so don't then merely offer her the crumbs from your table and all on your own selfish terms.

Cop on and think of someone but yourself in all of this.

P. Breathnach · 25-11-2013 12:14pm

Several people have advised you to let her go, and that's probably the best advice.

But I want to suggest that you consider an alternative: don't put your life on hold because of a notion that you need to see the world. Think about the possibility of committing to her and deciding to see the world together, perhaps in two-weekly instalments when you can take holidays. If that is unthinkable, then you should indeed let her go.

dellas1979 · 25-11-2013 9:03pm

Mrmotivator56 wrote: »

I know I am messing with her head.

"me.me.me.me.me.me.me"

Thats all I get from your posts.

What has happened you, in your life, that you'd do this to a person?

Its not a game you know.

If you know you are messing with her head, and you continually do it, that is just cruel. And all for your own "plans".

Acknowledge that there is no space for her in your life, in the way that she wants. Not the way you want. The way she wants. Sounds like, although she loves you and boi God she did try, she's copped on. There is no advantage for her to be "friends" with someone she is in love with.

Why cant you see this?

Big Bag of Chips · 25-11-2013 9:26pm

How do you fix what, exactly?

How do you make her want to be just your friend until you decide you're ready for her to be your gf? You can't. She has been more than fair to you, by trying to be 'just friends' like you want. She has been incredibly honest about her feelings for you and how she is struggling with just being your friend. She has been very gracious and dignified in acknowledging that this is HER problem, and that you shouldn't feel bad.

I can see why you would like to keep this girl in your life. She sounds like a very nice, genuine girl who would be a loyal friend.

She's wrong about one thing, though... The problem IS you! She has made her feelings very clear. You have accepted her decision to stay away from you, and allowed her to cut contact.... Until you get drunk.

You don't want her. If you did, you would be together and work something our about travelling and whatever else it is you want to 'get out of your system'.. but you don't want her.

You like her, you might even love her but that's not enough. There is something missing between the 2 of you. You can't help how you feel. But neither can she.

You want to be her friend. She can't be your friend... So the way to "fix" this is to delete her number and stop contacting her when you're drunk.

LegacyUser · 26-11-2013 2:11am

Felt compelled to reply to this...

Please don't keep torturing this girl. I have been in her position before. Unfortunately in my case, I was stupid enough to pretend that I could remain friends with the guy partially because I thought it was the "right" thing to do- the mature thing. I lied to my friends when they asked if I was okay with just being friends with him - I would always say it was fine and didn't affect me...Hell, I even lied to myself! all the while, deep down I was hoping that he would change his mind and want to commit because we seemed to get on so well and I was deeply in love with him.

This all came to a head when, I heard from a friend that he had started seeing someone. That was when I realised that I had been lying to myself and I had been in love with him and just hoping he would change his mind. I could not see it at the time, but I see now how incredibly selfish this guy was. My confidence hit rock bottom as I realised I had been used to massage his ego until something better came along. And I realise just how blinded I was by love.

If you truly care for this girl, please don't put her through the agony of trying to remain friends with you when you know she is deeply in love with you. This girl has tried to be friends with you and it didn't work for her. Don't pressure her or make her feel bad about her decision. Do a good deed and let her move on.

LegacyUser · 26-11-2013 3:16am

Clearly this girl is In love with you however you can't commit to her. It sounds to me that she was hoping you would change your mind over time.

I was in a relationship few years ago, I was in love , he wouldn't commit as he felt "headspace". It was on/off as he pleased. Every time it was on I was hoping he would commit or " see the light". It completely messed me up, to the point I think I was depressed. It has greatly damaged my ability to trust guys now even years later. If you won't give things a go let her move on.

The ironic thing is, you may find that when you are actually ready to commit this person may not be a available to you any more. I genuinely don't understand why some people don't see a good thing until they can't have it anymore. All too common.

Good luck with your decision but be sure. Don't say you'll commit if you won't. It will prolong the agony.

LegacyUser · 26-11-2013 6:59am

You're bring really really cruel OP. You don't want to be with her, but you won't let her go either. That's just incredibly selfish. You don't/can't/won't love her, but you seem to want to hold on to her devotion to you at the same time.

Let her go, you are being so selfish and ruining this girl's current and potential happiness. She's right to cut you out of her life - let her.

LegacyUser · 28-11-2013 3:27pm

Initially I didn't want to respond to the comments here because I felt a bit attacked but having let all of it sink in, I agree that I have been a little unfair to Sophie.

I think a part of me feels like maybe she is the one for me but I'm not ready and I feel like I tried the relationship thing with her but it didn't work because I still have this part of me that wants to do things before I finally settle and she has said she would rather me go and do those things than stay with her, resenting her. The last time we attempted being a couple she found out I was chatting to other girls online and it really hurt her. These are the things I do when I feel tied down and I just don't want her to get upset like that again. I'm really not a bad person.

I gave her some space but checked in on her last night to see if she was doing OK. She's fine and she said she feels as though there is some steel titanium wall between us and she's tired of banging her head off it. Which I guess is polite language for F Off.

So, I pointed out that titanium can melt and she said maybe one day. So, maybe if I go do my thing she might be there at the other end. I just don't want to lose her during the experience. Despite the feedback I have gotten here I know she has enjoyed being my friend and the special friendship we have shared.

Thanks for making me think. Hopefully this will all work out ok in the end

Big Bag of Chips · 29-11-2013 10:11am

Mrmotivator56 wrote: »

So, I pointed out that titanium can melt

Really, Mrmotivator56 - just leave her alone now. You are still stringing her along. You gave her space, but then "checked in" with her. Then when she politely told you to F off, as you say, you once again made promises to her, that you know you can't keep. (Edit: By the way, she doesn't believe the promises anymore! People always tell each other "actions speak louder than words". So you can tell her whatever you like, but she is looking at your actions, and your actions are telling her you don't want to be with her. And that's all she needs to know.)

Just leave her be now.

If it is meant to be, then it will be. If you are meant to be together in 3, 5, 25 years time, it will happen - but for now you have to stop stringing her along. Promise yourself, that you will not contact her anymore. She has repeatedly told you she cannot do it anymore, or she cannot handle it, yet you keep trying to pull her back in.

I don't doubt for one minute that she has enjoyed the friendship you shared - but I also don't doubt for a minute that your "friendship" has equally caused her a lot of heartache. I'm guessing there has been many a tear shed over you in private, that you know nothing about. I also don't doubt that you are fundamentally a good guy. You can't help that the "spark" or whatever it is that is needed to sustain a relationship isn't there with her. But admit to yourself that every time you contact her, it is to ease your own guilt rather than to cheer her up or check she's ok. She'd be ok, if you left her alone to get over you!

Leave her now. If you are meant to be together down the road, then it will happen. You can't keep "checking in" making sure she's not gone off you, and with someone else. If when you are ready, you find out she is with someone else then that was meant to be for her.

She sounds like a wonderful girl. She deserves someone who can be an equally wonderful boyfriend to her and want only her.... Surely, you can't disagree with that.

Good luck - affairs of the heart are not easy. But the "gentlemanly" thing to do now is disappear off her radar.

Merkin · 29-11-2013 10:20am

Mrmotivator56 wrote: »

Initially I didn't want to respond to the comments here because I felt a bit attacked but having let all of it sink in, I agree that I have been a little unfair to Sophie.

So you say. The rest of your post then goes on to contradict that statement wholeheartedly.

Please look with in yourself and find enough decency to leave the girl alone once and for all. It really is that simple.

December2012 · 29-11-2013 2:00pm

Leave her alone.

If you really really want her to be your endgame girl, stop tormenting her now and turning her off you in the medium term.

dellas1979 · 29-11-2013 6:32pm

So, nothing changed then.

Mrmotivator56 wrote: »

I agree that I have been a little unfair to Sophie.

No, you didnt agree. Everyone here has said that youve been grossly unfair to Sophie. Its really funny how you are interpreting things.

You know really why you didnt reply? Because you know you are wrong in what you are doing. Its holding a mirror up to your actions, you know its there. But you just wont look. In that case, the advice here is lost on you.

If you were in love with someone and they were stringing you along, full of crappy promises, empty words, doesnt listen, and full of sh*te behaviour, like you are her, what would you do? What advice would you give?

CaraMay · 29-11-2013 7:02pm

Leave her alone.

Can you not see how damaging your need for attention is for her? You want, you want, you want but yet you don't care what she wants.

Go on your travels and see if she is there when you get back. I somehow suspect she won't be and will have been snapped up and / or sees through your bs but that's the chance you take.

In the meantime and until you get your head straight just leave her in peace to move on

LegacyUser · 01-12-2013 11:56am

Unfortunately I can write about a similar experience. I'm a male and ended up falling for a close friend. One drunken night we ended up in bed together and I told her the truth about my feelings. Initially she was elated and told me she loved me and we had another rendez vous the week after but in the following few weeks she began to back off claiming she was unsure about all of this. I wrote her letters about how I felt which she encouraged and told me she loved but never wanted to actually discuss the content of them. She'd rang me almost everyday but the conversation would mostly revolve about her issues or people that we knew, never about me or us.

After about 6 weeks of this I eventually sat her down and broached the subject and she became all evasive and tried to avoid the subject. In the end I told her not to contact me again until she made her mind up whether she wanted to pursue a relationship or not. After 2 weeks I didn't hear anything so I e-mailed her telling her that her silence spoke volumes. She didn't reply to that. About a week later she rang me up as if nothing had ever happened. A few weeks later she asked me to all over to her place and she told me that she was after meeting someone else who "she really really liked" and couldn't understand when I subsequently became upset. I told her not to contact me again.

A couple of weeks later she contacted me saying she was really upset about our relationship ending and that she didn't want to lose me 'as a friend'. The two of us share a group of friends and realistically it's impossible to avoid her so in the end I told her that since we'd known each other for so long we should maintain some kind of relationship but that I didn't want to hear about her love life and I wouldn't tell her about mine. As a result of this she used ring me once a week and basically tell me all about her problems and talking about everything else. Of course this only made me even more frustrated because the only thing I wanted to discuss was the elephant in the room. The pathetic thing is that the only reason I even took the calls was because of the minor chance that she had had a change of heart about everything.

One night a mutual friend happened to mention to me that she was now seeing a different guy altogether (none of our friends knew anything about what happened between us). At that point I knew that I couldn't carry on this charade of friendship anymore so I send her a long emotional text telling her that I couldn't be her friend anymore. She replied....4 days later telling me that the way she had treated me was the worst thing she had done to anyone in her life and that she was really sorry etc. We met up and I told her with great honesty why we couldn't be friends anymore. She went on to tell me that she had trouble forming loving relationships and that the guy she was currently seeing was an asshole. She also repeatedly said that she wasn't a bad person

There are many more chapters to this story but this isn't my thread. Let's just say that she's still with that guy and still contacts me all the time. Last week she wanted me to call around to her place for lunch because she was sick. I never contact her but I'm not strong enough to ignore her when she contacts me.

I have come to the conclusion that she is a selfish person who needs constant male attention to fee her own ego. I've sat her down and explained to her that it's damaging to my mental health to continue talking to her. She still contacts me. I hate myself for being so weak. When I sit back and think about it all rationally I hate her, however I still get butterflies in my stomach when she walks into a room.

OP, stop torturing Sophie. You are selfish. You are doing immense mental damage to her. This isn't love. This is its twisted cousin. I know that these words are wasted on you though much like they were wasted on my 'friend'. I've the feeling that you'll take them in and then twist them around to form your own interpretation that is more pleasing to you and that requires you to do the least amount of soul searching.

How do I fix this?

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