BF lost weight and is not as attractive anymore

LegacyUser

Dear all,

I met my BF about one year ago, great guy, we fell in love quickly, sex was great and I used to think he was the hottest guy in the world. He was a big guy – tall, broad shoulders, a bit on the heavy side (stocky, not fat) and I thought he looked absolutely amazing. But he was not happy with his weight.

So he joined a weight loss program and lost loads of weight (10-15kg?) (both before and now he is within the “healthy”/normal spectrum of BMI). But now he says he feels much more confident and that he notices that “girls look more at him”

I don’t find him as attractive anymore. All the good qualities are still there personality-wise, and he is a handsome man, but now he’s just “meh” to me. Being a bit graphic, his body doesn’t feel/look as manly/ “rough”/powerful as before, I don’t feel his weight/presence on top of me as before during sex, and when we cuddle I feel like I’m hugging a teenager boy. I hate it.

Before anyone asks, I did question myself whether I could be envious/ jealous/insecure, and although of course I feel insecure when he says “more girls look at him now”, these are not the reasons. I’m fit myself and… I’m just into heavier guys… and I had one until he joined this stupid diet.

I didn’t have the heart to tell him I hate what he did, seeing him so happy with the achievement and thinking I’d be shallow if I said so. I did say though that I like bigger guys and he looked great before.

He wants to lose even more weight or at least maintain it. What do I do? I lost a lot of my sexual attraction for him and in a way I kind of resent him sucking up to the media/society/ “the girls” preferences when I’m the one who gets to go to bed with him.

Would love to hear your opinions.

SingItOut

I'm going to be harsh here but Personally I think you're being quite selfish. You should be proud of your man for sticking to the weight loss regime, it's not an easy thing to do. If you are not attracted to him now you should question if you actually are still in love with this guy. He loves you so don't worry about other girls, if he was always on the heavier side then of course he's going to feel more confident now if other women are looking at him or if others are complimenting him. If he is happy with his body and his confidence has soared then you should support that and be happy for him. If you are unattracted to him now that he's lost weight your not going to suddenly become attracted to him if he puts the weight back on. You should question whether you are unattracted to his weight loss or if the issue runs deeper.

Czarcasm

Totally understand where you're coming from OP, and it's just as simple as you don't find him physically attractive any more the way you used to. That's perfectly natural when physically he's not the same person any more, and of course as you've explained, the weight loss too has affected his personality, so he's not the same person mentally either.

It leaves you a simple choice really - are you prepared to stay with someone you're not attracted to, or would it be better for both your sakes to break up and for you both to find someone who you will both be more compatible with. I don't think that's being selfish, that's just being realistic. No use in staying with someone out of some perceived guilt about not finding them physically attractive any more, especially when you've only been together a year.

It's unfair on you, and it's unfair on him, and the longer you prolong it, the more it's going to hurt to the point where you're both miserable and resentful of each other.

Abigayle

He probably shouldn't have said what he did about girls noticing him, it was a bit insensitive. That aside, I think that you're more effected by the inner changes in him; his confidence etc., than you are willing to admit.

He's still the same guy, he's just done something that makes him happy, and you should be supportive of that. It's good that he's looking after himself and his health.

I think you should talk to him about how you feel, but honestly- dig deep here and be honest with yourself as to whether the issue is genuinely your attraction to him. If you aren't honest with yourself, you will become resentful of him and your relationship will become toxic.

FLOWERS1

Maybe it's just a long fling??? as it sounds like the honeymoon period is over, your not as attracted to him anymore which would suggest to me that your attachment hasn't deepened and I'm sorry to say its a bit shallow

Its not all about looks especially after a year

CaraMay

You can't force attraction no matter how hard you try. Your feelings can't be helped so don't let anyone beat you up about that. You often see posts on here where partners have put on weight and people does hind them as attractive as before so it's not unusual.

I guess you need to decide if your attraction is gone forever or if you want to wait and see if it comes back.

moy83

Maybe if you told your bf how you feel about his weight loss ye could work something out . What about lifting weights and a small bit of body building ? That would still leave him healthy and leave him a bit bulky in bed with you

Taltos

Per our charter Seamus1964

There is zero tolerance for muppetry here, and trolls etc. will not be treated lightly.

It is not the done thing on the PI or RI forums to ask an OP to pm/msn/skype/email you.

Basically if you have no constructive advice then don't post.

Taltos

dannyc31

rather than being selfish i actually think you're being perfectly honest with yourself. ya see at the end of the day we are all shallow creatures underneath it all. as someone else said you cannot force attraction.

its always a dangerous subject to bring up and if the truth be known there are alot of men out there who wouldnt dare bring up the subject that they are no longer attracted to their partner because she has put on alot of weight. what kinda lunatic of a man would say that to his girlfriend

it seems to be less offensive when it is the other way around, a guess because for women weight is a huge issue.

anyway the main thing is he feels comfortable in his skin so you cant tell him to put the weight on to suit your needs. if you do find yourself checking out and flirting with other bigger guys then it might be a sign your feelings are waning. its nothing to be ashamed off people break up all the time because the physical attraction just all of a sudden disappears.

just be honest with yourself thats the important thing.

Tramps Like Us

If he lost ten or 15 kg and was in the "healthy" BMI range before he did so he must have been at the extreme upper limit of it if he is still in the healthy range afterwards. Especially if he was "stocky" and wanted to lose weight.

Your boyfriend has taken steps to improve his health. Aside from how he looks and the fact that he was unhappy with that before he went on the diet the bottom line is that from whatever perspective you want to take this is a good thing he has done.

If you can't support him in that and be happy for him then you should break up with him, and hopefully he can find someone else, maybe one of the other women he has noticed paying him more attention.

LegacyUser

Thank you everybody for your opinions, it was great help. Thank you especially dannyc31, you gave me an important insight here: “if you do find yourself checking out and flirting with other bigger guys then it might be a sign your feelings are waning.”

As for the soul searching, I’ve done loads and I got to the conclusion that I just prefer bigger guys and that’s that. I guess I will try for a bit longer to “fall in love again” with him, considering his personality and the other great aspects of the relationship. If not, I will walk away.

As for improving his health, I doubt he did. He was perfectly healthy (very athletic) and fun to be around when heavier, and now he got injured twice in the gym, is skipping meals, acting cranky when hungry, avoiding his friends in order to avoid eating/drinking (reduces calories/alcohol intake but ends up without a social life), acting cocky and passing nasty comments on heavier people. Our conversations went from music/films/books to calories/workout routines/diet shakes. Czarcasm was spot on, his personality also changed. I guess I used to see him as a loving gentle laid-back guy before and now I’m seeing another side of him, a very critical, insecure and judgmental one that I very much dislike.

As for supporting him, I did it all along. I congratulated him on his results and never said a word about being disappointed. I am happy for him, I am happy to see him happy. But you know what, I’m not happy for myself not being able to enjoy cuddling or orgasming anymore. If that’s being selfish, so be it.

I do find it funny though - as some of you pointed out - that there are so many threads about guys complaining about their gfs putting on weight and that is ok. It’s sad that the notion of losing weight seems to always equate to “good/healthy/great achievement”. I fail to see how starving himself and giving up on his friends and gf to achieve the media standard is that much of an achievement. I’d think him a stronger/better person if he had learned to feel confident for the great person he is independently of his weight. But that’s me being idealistic here. So voila, as Tramp Like Us suggested, I’ll let him go and find happiness with one of his newfound admirers.

Come to think of it, I guess this is a huge part of the problem – I find his quest and his attitude shallower than my preferences...

Ann.

PS. Seamus, thanks for the laugh – I might take you up on your offer

dannyc31

your welcome OP

fun to be around when heavier, and now he got injured twice in the gym, is skipping meals, acting cranky when hungry, avoiding his friends in order to avoid eating/drinking (reduces calories/alcohol intake but ends up without a social life), acting cocky and passing nasty comments on heavier people. Our conversations went from music/films/books to calories/workout routines/diet shakes. Czarcasm was spot on, his personality also changed.

Mary Ann you've basically answered your own question here with that statement. the issue is around root cause & effect. the root cause being that all his obsessing over his weight loss has changed the actual person he was. yes you might have a preference for bigger guys but your unconscious mind is trying to give you a way out of this relationship by reminding you that your preference is for bigger guys. the truth is if you really loved him as before, it really wouldnt matter and if you went for another guy based only on the size of him, you'd feel empty and regretful in the end. this is not the case here because as i've said or as in fact as you have said, its the person that your boyfriend has changed into that you are starting to be less & less attracted too.

anyway glad to help and best of luck with whatever happens in the future.

Tramps Like Us

Mary Ann_llllll wrote: »

Thank you everybody for your opinions, it was great help. Thank you especially dannyc31, you gave me an important insight here: “if you do find yourself checking out and flirting with other bigger guys then it might be a sign your feelings are waning.”

As for the soul searching, I’ve done loads and I got to the conclusion that I just prefer bigger guys and that’s that. I guess I will try for a bit longer to “fall in love again” with him, considering his personality and the other great aspects of the relationship. If not, I will walk away.

As for improving his health, I doubt he did. He was perfectly healthy (very athletic) and fun to be around when heavier, and now he got injured twice in the gym, is skipping meals, acting cranky when hungry, avoiding his friends in order to avoid eating/drinking (reduces calories/alcohol intake but ends up without a social life), acting cocky and passing nasty comments on heavier people. Our conversations went from music/films/books to calories/workout routines/diet shakes. Czarcasm was spot on, his personality also changed. I guess I used to see him as a loving gentle laid-back guy before and now I’m seeing another side of him, a very critical, insecure and judgmental one that I very much dislike.

As for supporting him, I did it all along. I congratulated him on his results and never said a word about being disappointed. I am happy for him, I am happy to see him happy. But you know what, I’m not happy for myself not being able to enjoy cuddling or orgasming anymore. If that’s being selfish, so be it.

I do find it funny though - as some of you pointed out - that there are so many threads about guys complaining about their gfs putting on weight and that is ok. It’s sad that the notion of losing weight seems to always equate to “good/healthy/great achievement”. I fail to see how starving himself and giving up on his friends and gf to achieve the media standard is that much of an achievement. I’d think him a stronger/better person if he had learned to feel confident for the great person he is independently of his weight. But that’s me being idealistic here. So voila, as Tramp Like Us suggested, I’ll let him go and find happiness with one of his newfound admirers.

Come to think of it, I guess this is a huge part of the problem – I find his quest and his attitude shallower than my preferences...

Ann.

PS. Seamus, thanks for the laugh – I might take you up on your offer

I think you should break up with him now, he doesnt deserve being strung along in a relationship where his partner resents him.

osarusan

This reminds me of a joke about a woman who looks at herself in the bathroom mirrorand asks her husband, "do you want a wife who is thin and miserable or fat and happy?"

The husband replies "Just how thin will you get before you get miserable?"

In your case OP, he has become much less fun to be around, and you're less happy. If that continues, there doesn't seem to be any future to the relationship.

My only advice is to tell him all this - you seemed to be happy and content with him before. Tell him that, and tell him how you feel now, and why.

The worst thing that can happen is that you end up breaking up anyway, but he might not have been aware of just how this is making you feel, and might be an eye-opener for him. He might not be aware of just how much you think he has changed.

Given the quality of relationship you once had, don't give up on it without exhausting that option.

Emme

Mary Ann_llllll wrote: »

As for improving his health, I doubt he did. He was perfectly healthy (very athletic) and fun to be around when heavier, and now he got injured twice in the gym, is skipping meals, acting cranky when hungry, avoiding his friends in order to avoid eating/drinking (reduces calories/alcohol intake but ends up without a social life), acting cocky and passing nasty comments on heavier people. Our conversations went from music/films/books to calories/workout routines/diet shakes. Czarcasm was spot on, his personality also changed.

Your boyfriend sounds like he really worked hard and made sacrifices to lose the weight. I applaud him for that. Even so he is taking things a little too far if he's getting regular injuries and is always cranky. He shouldn't be skipping meals or avoiding his friends. That sounds like a borderline eating disorder to me. I've been down that road myself. It also sounds like he may be below his ideal body weight even if he is a healthy BMI. If he has the frame of a rugby player he will always have problems trying to maintain a lower weight even though a slightly built guy of your boyfriend's height would have no problem maintaining that weight. For example 6'4" tennis player Andy Murray would be much lighter than rugby players of the same height. The rugby players would have major problems trying to maintain Murray's weight. They might get there, but they would suffer in the process.

It sounds like he may have gone the wrong way about losing weight. If that's the case it won't stay off indefinitely. He'll have to redefine his goals with a view to being a fit, healthy weight for his height and build. He should design his workout to fit his height, body type and metabolism. Does he have a trainer in the gym or did he do all this himself?

If you want to work at the relationship you might try getting fitter yourself and getting a personal trainer to work with the two of you. Or just get fitter for your own sake. Outdoor bootcamp workouts are good fun and very social.

Mary Ann_llllll wrote: »

I guess I used to see him as a loving gentle laid-back guy before and now I’m seeing another side of him, a very critical, insecure and judgmental one that I very much dislike.

He's critical, insecure and judgmental because he's suffering to maintain his current weight. A good personal trainer might help him find a balance. If he gained 5 kg of muscle on a healthy diet (lots of good lean proteins, fresh vegetables and a little fruit, few carbs) he might look even better than he does now. Is he living mainly on protein shakes? If so that's not good. He needs to eat healthy "real" food.

If he really bothers you right now then finish with him and leave him to date the superficial girls who like him because he has a good body. However, this cuts both ways. If you were in a relationship and gained/lost weight would you think it fair to be dumped because of this?