Sexual Abuse - Can anyone offer advice

Mayboy

Hi,

i'm posting here to see if anyone can offer any perspective on my situation.

I'm a male survivor of sexual abuse, perpetrated by a person known to me. For years I did not even acknowledge the abuse. I did all the usual coping stuff: addiction, sex addiction, work addiction, drugs, drinking etc. I sufferred from very big anxiety issues and then I went for counselling - to cut a long story short I went to the guards, reported it and a case was opened, between the combination of an unprofessional solicitor and pretty crap handling of the case the DPP would not bring a case - this was ten years ago, thankfully I at least had on record an admittance of guilt by the person who abused me. Fast forward ten years; I had a breakdown at work due to stress and had significant anxiety issues for a year - then I found a fantastic psychotherapist and with his help, pieced, slowly and painfully my life back together. Panic is gone, anxiety is pretty much under control. I felt ready to get closure on the case and as a way of doing so went to a lawyer who specializes in these kind of cases.

After a year of stressful letters back and forward the other side have finally agreed to settle the case in a few weeks. I have no idea what happens next - the date is set for the meeting and my solicitor seems confident of closure. My solicitor has been great.

I have a few concerns:

1. The day itself may be hugely stressful (although I am sure I can get through it).

2. Afterwards: as somebody who has lived with this situation for so long how do I figure out who I am?? once it is settled. Do I just settle and try to leave it behind, acknowledge it and leave it behind? Has anyone any experience here - how they did it - how they moved on. I will be seeing my psychotherapist for follow up.

I think I have dealt with everything that has affected me - I still feel sad from time to time but for the most part life (despite the ongoing looming case) has been OK.

I really want to leave this behind me, move on, grab life, love life, appreciate my strengths , acknowledge the hard bits without them defining me.

Sorry if this is a long post I would appreciate so much anyones experience of dealing with this.

Thanks

Merkin

I'm so sorry that this happened to you and I am also sorry for the far-reaching repercussions that this had on your life. It is great that a case is finally coming up although this in itself will probably be quite hard on you as it's the culmination of years of pain. I think the charity One in Four may be able to give you the help and advice that you need. I appreciate that you have been seeing your own psychotherapist but One in Four have a lot of experience of dealing with child sexual abuse and more specifically abuse perpetrated by the clergy. www.oneinfour.ie They may have some guidelines or be able to put you in touch with someone who will be able to answer those questions for you. I have no experience in this field so I can't give you any further advice but I'd like to wish you well and I hope that the case and it's conclusion affords you some kind of closure to the years of pain you experienced.

Mayboy

Thank you so much. One of the things I found during all this, despite the difficulties is that there are so many open hearts and so much help out there - the kindness of strangers.

Appreciate your thoughts.
X

Esoteric_

Mayboy, my heart broke reading that.

Aside from the advice you were given, I have very little to add but felt compelled to post.

I was raped and abused as a teenager, although not to the extent that you seem to have been. As with you, I had addiction and sex issues, among other issues, for a long time after, so I know where you're coming from, a little bit.

An admission of guilt is good, but let's face it, it doesn't change the fact that it happened, nothing will change that. Settling the case will be like closing the door on the legal side of it, but again it won't 'fix' what happened.

I'm probably as 'over' what happened to me as I'll ever be. Lots of psychiatric treatment and two amazing psychotherapists helped more than I can say.

I still have mental health issues, but nothing compared to before. I'm in a relationship and am quite happy in day to day life.

What you need to accept is that it will never leave you. You can't undo what happened, and you can't erase the memories.

You will move on, you will be happy and you will figure out who you are. It takes time. It took me a few years AFTER coming to terms with my past before I became happy and secure in myself.

Your memories will never leave you unfortunately, but you will start to dwell on them less and less. What happened to me is something that I think about every day still, but rather than being extremely depressed over it all the time, it's almost always a fleeting thought that gives me a moment of sadness. It becomes easy to cope with once you've started to move on.

What happened to you does not define who you are, but it does impact it. I know I'm a much more shy person because of my past, but it's not a bad thing, not really! My boyfriend and friends think it's cute that I'm shy, and I excell in work, so it has no negative impact. I'm a very strong person mentally and emotionally, because you have to be to be able to move on with your life.

While what happened is horrific, it can leave some characteristics to your personality that can be positive. What happened is in no way positive, but it's made you be strong, seek help, fight the scumbag, get an admission of guilt and get a settlement. It'd be better not to have to do any of that, but being so strong will stand to you in other areas of your life.

You may be more compassionate and considerate, which will be much appreciated in future relationships.

You will learn who you are. You will move on, as much as it's possible to move on.

Impatience is a killer. You want it all to happen now, be over and done with now. Unfortunately that can't happen, but you're doing all of the right things, so be assured that it WILL happen, in time.

Sorry for the long post! I wish you all the very best. X

argentum

I went throught the exact same thing as you ,no charges the DPP and then a settlement by the church which took place 15 years ago
Looking back at it from this distance I can tell you that you will get through this low point in your life and don't go thinking any other way.
On a practical level ...your meeting will be very informal at the courts in a room (not a courtroom) The other side will make an offer and allow you to speak to your solicitor in private ...you don't have to take their offer unless you want to its your choice.Whatever they offer make sure that your costs are extra and not included.
Have a think about what you want to do with your life and cost it in your head...see if the amount they offer will go a long way to achieve your goals.In my case I moved from a small house into a bigger one and had extra kids so it really did change my life and my future.
I have to say when I settled I really felt as if I beat the ****ers and it helped me move on.I also resigned from the church and gave evidence to The Murphy Commission(Chapter 12 is mostly about me)
You have to decide if you tell people what happened to you but not be defined by what happened to you.
I very rarely think about what I went through now except when I see something like this or read about the priest that abused me .He's still mentioned in newspapers and even in Eamonn Dunphys book which was all over the papers a few weeks ago but I know longer feel the anger when I read it
Reading your post again you look as if you're fine and |I hope that one day you can look back on your experience like I can

username123

I just wanted to post and say that I am sorry you had to endure such horrific crimes against you in childhood. You sound like someone who is as well as they can be despite such adversity. I am sure you will get through the next part and move on with your life, as you have already come so far.

I grew up in a home with an alcoholic father so I can relate to being a child damaged by an adults actions to some degree. I find that I can never leave behind the things that happened, I can simply accept them. For me, talking out loud about it and being able to accept that I had no control helped me - I used a visualisation of me trying to hold back the waves of an angry sea and it helped me see how childhood me was never able to control the mad behaviour of an adult.

I hope you find peace and I wish you all the best.

neemish

Would you consider to keep going to psychotherapy for the moment? Just because the case is settled, doesn't meant it's over for you. This is something we have to live with forever. I don't think we have to be weighed down by it, but it's a part of us. And there are alot of questions still there for you - who am I? How do I move on? What next?
sometimes
It might be that you need to change therapists, but that can be good.

For you own sake, don't build up the expectation that the day after the case, you'll have closure. I don't think it's something we set a date for. We work towards it and it happens unknown to us.

Definitely, keep working on this with someone. You've done the hardest part of the journey. Now its time to build the life you want!

Best of luck

Mayboy

Merkin wrote: »

I'm so sorry that this happened to you and I am also sorry for the far-reaching repercussions that this had on your life. It is great that a case is finally coming up although this in itself will probably be quite hard on you as it's the culmination of years of pain. I think the charity One in Four may be able to give you the help and advice that you need. I appreciate that you have been seeing your own psychotherapist but One in Four have a lot of experience of dealing with child sexual abuse and more specifically abuse perpetrated by the clergy. www.oneinfour.ie They may have some guidelines or be able to put you in touch with someone who will be able to answer those questions for you. I have no experience in this field so I can't give you any further advice but I'd like to wish you well and I hope that the case and it's conclusion affords you some kind of closure to the years of pain you experienced.

Dear Merkin, Thank you for your reply. I've spent a few days reading through these replies and I'm really touched. I've got in touch with one in four so hopefully they may be able to give me a bit of advice. Thank you so much for taking the time to write.

Mayboy

neemish wrote: »

Would you consider to keep going to psychotherapy for the moment? Just because the case is settled, doesn't meant it's over for you. This is something we have to live with forever. I don't think we have to be weighed down by it, but it's a part of us. And there are alot of questions still there for you - who am I? How do I move on? What next?
sometimes
It might be that you need to change therapists, but that can be good.

For you own sake, don't build up the expectation that the day after the case, you'll have closure. I don't think it's something we set a date for. We work towards it and it happens unknown to us.

Definitely, keep working on this with someone. You've done the hardest part of the journey. Now its time to build the life you want!

Best of luck

Thanks so much, yes I'll be seeing my Psychotherapist after the case is 'settled' - he anticipates a high/ low and a general 'flattening' out as I come to realise that life is different again. So I will be seeing him for a bit more. Good advice & thanks for your viewpoint.

Mayboy

username123 wrote: »

I just wanted to post and say that I am sorry you had to endure such horrific crimes against you in childhood. You sound like someone who is as well as they can be despite such adversity. I am sure you will get through the next part and move on with your life, as you have already come so far.

I grew up in a home with an alcoholic father so I can relate to being a child damaged by an adults actions to some degree. I find that I can never leave behind the things that happened, I can simply accept them. For me, talking out loud about it and being able to accept that I had no control helped me - I used a visualisation of me trying to hold back the waves of an angry sea and it helped me see how childhood me was never able to control the mad behaviour of an adult.

I hope you find peace and I wish you all the best.

Thanks So much. I find visualisation also good, it's been great to know that there are other people out there who can offer personal advice.

Mayboy

Esoteric_ wrote: »

Mayboy, my heart broke reading that.

Aside from the advice you were given, I have very little to add but felt compelled to post.

I was raped and abused as a teenager, although not to the extent that you seem to have been. As with you, I had addiction and sex issues, among other issues, for a long time after, so I know where you're coming from, a little bit.

An admission of guilt is good, but let's face it, it doesn't change the fact that it happened, nothing will change that. Settling the case will be like closing the door on the legal side of it, but again it won't 'fix' what happened.

I'm probably as 'over' what happened to me as I'll ever be. Lots of psychiatric treatment and two amazing psychotherapists helped more than I can say.

I still have mental health issues, but nothing compared to before. I'm in a relationship and am quite happy in day to day life.

What you need to accept is that it will never leave you. You can't undo what happened, and you can't erase the memories.

You will move on, you will be happy and you will figure out who you are. It takes time. It took me a few years AFTER coming to terms with my past before I became happy and secure in myself.

Your memories will never leave you unfortunately, but you will start to dwell on them less and less. What happened to me is something that I think about every day still, but rather than being extremely depressed over it all the time, it's almost always a fleeting thought that gives me a moment of sadness. It becomes easy to cope with once you've started to move on.

What happened to you does not define who you are, but it does impact it. I know I'm a much more shy person because of my past, but it's not a bad thing, not really! My boyfriend and friends think it's cute that I'm shy, and I excell in work, so it has no negative impact. I'm a very strong person mentally and emotionally, because you have to be to be able to move on with your life.

While what happened is horrific, it can leave some characteristics to your personality that can be positive. What happened is in no way positive, but it's made you be strong, seek help, fight the scumbag, get an admission of guilt and get a settlement. It'd be better not to have to do any of that, but being so strong will stand to you in other areas of your life.

You may be more compassionate and considerate, which will be much appreciated in future relationships.

You will learn who you are. You will move on, as much as it's possible to move on.

Impatience is a killer. You want it all to happen now, be over and done with now. Unfortunately that can't happen, but you're doing all of the right things, so be assured that it WILL happen, in time.

Sorry for the long post! I wish you all the very best. X

Thanks so much for this, really appreciate it. Yep, it has impacted and this is 'how it is now' - I 've learned a lot about people and about myself too to me honest. So every cloud has a silver lining. In a world of our choosing I doubt many people would pick this experience but, that said, there is huge learning from it.

Merkin

Mayboy wrote: »

Dear Merkin, Thank you for your reply. I've spent a few days reading through these replies and I'm really touched. I've got in touch with one in four so hopefully they may be able to give me a bit of advice. Thank you so much for taking the time to write.

You're more than welcome m'dear They are supposed to be very good and certainly have lots of experience so I hope they can help. Has a date for the case been set?

Mayboy

argentum wrote: »

I went throught the exact same thing as you ,no charges the DPP and then a settlement by the church which took place 15 years ago
Looking back at it from this distance I can tell you that you will get through this low point in your life and don't go thinking any other way.
On a practical level ...your meeting will be very informal at the courts in a room (not a courtroom) The other side will make an offer and allow you to speak to your solicitor in private ...you don't have to take their offer unless you want to its your choice.Whatever they offer make sure that your costs are extra and not included.
Have a think about what you want to do with your life and cost it in your head...see if the amount they offer will go a long way to achieve your goals.In my case I moved from a small house into a bigger one and had extra kids so it really did change my life and my future.
I have to say when I settled I really felt as if I beat the ****ers and it helped me move on.I also resigned from the church and gave evidence to The Murphy Commission(Chapter 12 is mostly about me)
You have to decide if you tell people what happened to you but not be defined by what happened to you.
I very rarely think about what I went through now except when I see something like this or read about the priest that abused me .He's still mentioned in newspapers and even in Eamonn Dunphys book which was all over the papers a few weeks ago but I know longer feel the anger when I read it
Reading your post again you look as if you're fine and |I hope that one day you can look back on your experience like I can

Thank you - this is huge - to hear what you've said - to see what is possible and to hear about the practical end of how to think this through is exactly what I needed. Really appreciate this and I'm so glad that things have worked out for you and you've carved out a life for yourself. Thank you for sharing your story. Take Care.

Mayboy

Merkin wrote: »

You're more than welcome m'dear They are supposed to be very good and certainly have lots of experience so I hope they can help. Has a date for the case been set?

Hi, Thanks
Yes I have a date for the week after next. Have to talk to my solicitor to find out his viewpoint. In a way I cannot believe it's nearly 'over'. It's all I ever wanted - and then when it comes I'm nervous of it! I guess the big thing is that I have to 'continue a life' with no case which has been a huge thing. I'm in my 40's now and this happened in my early teens so it's been there a while. Life wil pan out- it's just another transition.

Mayboy

Dear all,

I came to post tonight and realised it is a year exactly since my post above. I wanted to post to say 'thank you' to everybody who took the time to post, to offer help & perspective. Just after I posted last year I went through the beginning of a court settlement, it was tough but in the end I got an admission, settlement and apology. It was very stressful but amazingly in the middle of the situation I got unheard of strength - just when I was going to 'run' out of the building - I had a deeply spiritual experience (I'm not religious) and I stayed it out. since then I've been learning who I am, getting used to not having a case hanging over me and getting closure. In the year past I have got married, finished a post grad and started a new job, I don't suffer from panic anymore and I have reached a place with myself where I am kind and loving to myself and can appreciate that the responsibility for what happened to me was not mine. I want to say thanks to all who helped me, a difficult time but I did it. To anyone struggling with this issue - sexual abuse may be so difficult but it is possible to live and flourish after it. Post here if you need support, I did and it helped me so much. Take care all, you opened your hearts and helped me across the finish line. X

Littlekittylou

I am so sorry for what you have been through.


You are a courageous survivor.

I really feel for you. I think half the issue is dealing with the behaviors that come after the negative things you start doing for you it was addiction etc. And dealing with trying to figure out what a normal relationship with your self is again.

Sometimes it almost seems the distress in trapped in parts of the body or behaviors to do with sex and so it can feel that was robbed.

When your thoughts are less invasive and more just deeply sad memories that you will think of less and less. And hopefully replace with good experiences instead of repeating tragedies or negative things. I say this because going to through the therapy can be hard enough on it's own. It's hard work but worth it. I commend you on how hard you have worked.

I can relate to the idea of building up the expectation for an 'end' to distress. I think it is probably more gradual. You can take a step forward then one back in your feelings towards yourself and about it all.

Not letting it define you is the key. I still find it hard not to think of myself as lowly sometimes. Experiences over prolonged time warp your mind totally.

I went through something as an adult I can't imagine what it means to go through that as a child.


Esoteric said.
'I know I'm a much more shy person because of my past, but it's not a bad thing, not really! My boyfriend and friends think it's cute that I'm shy, and I excell in work, so it has no negative impact. I'm a very strong person mentally and emotionally, because you have to be to be able to move on with your life. ''

I know I am fragile and shy too I am not sure if it is just the way I was meant to be or what. I was not really fully developed as a person even though I was in my twenties. Op it has to mend correctly not incorrectly like a bone if it is not set correctly it can hurt the person more.

My mission in life is never to let this happen to me again. I can't control that totally but I can try to make the right decisions. I think you have made such great decisions.

Learning to love oneself after is key. It's tempting to feel worried and overwhelmed by the thoughts of your future and how you will do. But you are strong.


Most days I find I just want to forget about it and not think or dwell and that helps to sometimes.

xx

bp

I am so glad you have begun to build the life you deserve. My heart broke reading your post but you have proven to be a much better person then them time and time again.

Wishing you all the best for the future x

Rubberchikken

i just want to wish you all the best in the settlement and, more importantly, with your life in the future.

you are a strong person to have deealth with this for so long and been willing to see it through.

take care

Penny Tration

Mayboy, what a fantastic, uplifting update post!

I hope you continue to come on in leaps and bounds. I hope your marriage is long and happy.

Most of all, i hope you realise just how incredibly strong you are

Littlekittylou

Mayboy wrote: »

Dear all,

I came to post tonight and realised it is a year exactly since my post above. I wanted to post to say 'thank you' to everybody who took the time to post, to offer help & perspective. Just after I posted last year I went through the beginning of a court settlement, it was tough but in the end I got an admission, settlement and apology. It was very stressful but amazingly in the middle of the situation I got unheard of strength - just when I was going to 'run' out of the building - I had a deeply spiritual experience (I'm not religious) and I stayed it out. since then I've been learning who I am, getting used to not having a case hanging over me and getting closure. In the year past I have got married, finished a post grad and started a new job, I don't suffer from panic anymore and I have reached a place with myself where I am kind and loving to myself and can appreciate that the responsibility for what happened to me was not mine. I want to say thanks to all who helped me, a difficult time but I did it. To anyone struggling with this issue - sexual abuse may be so difficult but it is possible to live and flourish after it. Post here if you need support, I did and it helped me so much. Take care all, you opened your hearts and helped me across the finish line. X

So happy for you. You must be a little miracle. :-)

amdublin

Wow! Just wow.

Fair play to you. It was not fair or right what happened you but wow you have showed some strength coming out the other side.

Well done you and best of luck for the the future.