Feel like I'm being used and don't know how to handle situation.

LegacyUser

Hey Boardsies ,

As with many others , I've come here looking for advice for a situation I find my self In.

I would appreciate that anyone here willing to give me advice will take into account that I suffer from Asperger's. This is an important part to conciser as I dont see things or react in the same way as most people.
For my own ease of explanation I have listed this in point format to prevent me from being sidetracked. Its also difficult for me to write/talk in the conventional way so apologies in advance.

About OP : Mid 20s, self employed & lived alone from a young age.
About OH: Early 20s , working part time & never lived alone.

Background:

Met a lovely girl(OH) while travelling(3 months) on business.
Eventually my business trip came to an and and OH decided that she wished to leave the country side and come to Dublin with me , for she loved me and sought more of a opportunity to get a better job and a proper qualification.

It was very rushed but i really liked the girl and i was worried that the geographical distance between us could dissolve what we had.
After some discussion I agreed to allow OH to move up to Dublin and in with me.
I assisted securing OH a full time job in a well known Dublin Business. Here she had immediate employment that would look excellent on her CV , reconized all over the world and it also gave her 2k a month (compared to the €500 a month she would have earned previously).

since as OH has no experience of living alone we deicded to agree upon the following ;

I would do the cooking and laundry and she would be responsible for the cleaning.
She would pay 50% of the rent , 30% of the ESB and X amount for household consumables(food etc)

The Move in:
OH moved to Dublin and whiten a day or two received her last pay cheque from her previous employer. OH decided to not give me any of this money but instead decided to spend it on new clothing, candles and the likes. I told OH that it was a bad month for me financially and that her spending was insulting since as I was trying to give her a dig out till she got her first pay cheque from the new job. OH explained to me that she misses her friends and that moving to Dublin is a big change and that she needed to do what she did to try make her self feel rewarded for working so many hours in her job the first week. I tired to explain that i understood it was a big change and that a lot of hours were worked but that she wouldn't be getting paid for those hours till the end of the month and that necessities took priority over luxury.
Its only been a total of one month but from the first day I could see a difference in her. I decided to be nice as i understood that it was a big changer for her , a new city , no friends and a new job.

Financial:
I have explained to OH that Im helping out (loaning her a such her expenses like her half of the rent and food etc ) till she gets her pay cheque but that things are a bit difficult for me aswell. As such i asked OH to go to revenue to sort out emergancy tax asap as her pay cheque wouldnt be enough (if emergancy taxed) would just be enough money for her (not any left over to pay this months rents she ows or next months in advance)
Every time I ask OH to go to tax office she explains that she is too tired from work to go.
I have tried drag her by the hand but to no avail. she spends all day in bed (tired) even her days off she spends in bed , if shes not working shes in bed (hiding from me )
I'ts been 3 weeks and she still has not popped into revenue despite knowing I need the money , is it fair to say she is avoiding going to revenue ? perhaps it suits her to be emergancy taxed ? she wouldnt be able to afford to give anything to me till she sorted it out ? perhaps she plans to return to the country after chrsistmas and then sort it out with them so she has the money to herself?


Chores:
OH does very little regards cleaning , yesterday OH had whole day off work . I said i was going off to work and that i would be back in time to have dinner cooked for 6pm.
OH agreed to go to tax office and said she would see me after I got back.I leave the house at 12pm and return at 5.30pm to prepare dinner.
OH is still in bed and has not gone to tax office. In order to prepare OH'S dinner I have to wash all the dishes as I cannot cook in dirty pots. Despite it being her day off OP could not have the dishes washed for me to cook her meal (this is her only job in the household apart from tidying) I made the meal every day , do the shopping and do her laundry.
Oh stated that its her day off and that she shouldn't have to do anything on her day off.
Oh also states "Ive beeen working all day , im tired , i'll do it 2moro"
Oh seems to not want to make any contribution to the household physically


The Discussion:

As with every problem , it needs to be talked about. so we had a chat.


As shes new i try to involve her in my social acticities (not that I have many) if i'm meeting a friend i'll invite OH along , to help them do a social activitiy as i know thats what people like to do . It also helps to get her out from the house and helps for her to meet new people who she could like as friends. Im doing my best to help her fit in. the response i get is the same as everything else " i'm tired , I need to sleep " It's been very difficult for me when going to see friends, its always a stressfull situation for me naturally , but even more so now. My friends are very welcoming of OH and are excited to meet her in person. I tell my frinds that sorry she coulnt't make it , she is sleeping. But the always give me a funny look and say " but shes online on FB"

This is extremely difficult for me. OH admits to being on FB but still maintains that they need to sleep. this is conflictiing and fustrates me . It also makes me look stupit when i give this excuse to my friends.

I questioned OH about being in bed. I said that it seems like they arent there because they are tired and need to sleep but that because they are hiding from me .
Oh admited that they are hiding from me in the bed because when in the common area I talk about finance too much , and annoy them to go to the tax office , so that she goes to the bed to get away from all that.

Later that night I asked OH for a kiss (we havent kissed in 1 month since she moved up and we havent had sex in a month and a half)
OH refused to give me a kiss , I told OH its been a while since we kissed and asked her why . She replied that " I havent really felt like kissing you "
She also said that she misses seing her best frined every day etc , I tried to explain to her that most working adults working a 40 or more hour a week dont get to see their best friend every day. I feel she has yet a bit of growing up to do. she was use to paying just 50 a week back home , having her food cooked , clothes washed , ironed , floded and put away aswell as getting mums taxi into work most days.

This got further into a discussion and the long story short we concluded that we were more flat mates than a couple.

so to me it would seem that she got offered a great job here compared to her old one. shes decided to come up and stay with me not because she likes me but because she wouldnt have the money to move up on her own and wanted to move here. shes basically not in a relationship with me , hasnt gave a penny up since she arrived here , expects me to share my bed with her , buy her food and pay her half of the rent until she manages to get the emergancy tax sorted (which shes refusing to do)

I really feel its not working and have done what i can to give the benefit of the dought.

I feel like I may have to look into ending this "relationship" but am anxious on how I should go about it.

OH has left her job in Galway. If I ask OH to leave then she has no where to stay in Dublin , she must return to the familly home in Galway. with no job.

I was under the impression she moved to dublin for the sake of our relationship. Therefore I cant help but feel responsible for her . she left her old job for me, if i ask her to leave the house she has no job as she prob cant afford to stay in dublin with the tax shel be paying on her pay cheque. Ill basically feel guilty / responsible for her loosing her job.

Giving her a few months to crash on the couch to save money for a place here is not an option as she just spends everything on stupit things and cannot save.


your thoughts and advice on the above situation would be really appreciated as it's something that needs to be dealt with and Im not good at dealing with situations alone when it come to taking other peoples feelings into account.

Stavro Mueller

Hmm. It is a bit of a mess, isn't it? This story is proof of that old saying that goes "if you want to know me, come live with me". You sound like you've decided this relationship is a dead duck and that you're going to end things. And so, I'm just going to make a couple of points that you might think about

1. Just because your OH moves out of your place doesn't mean she has to quit her job and move home. You said she's earning €2k per month. Can she not move into shared accommodation somewhere and keep her job in Dublin?
2. It's not your problem that she's too lazy/immature to go to the tax office to get her tax sorted. If she bothered to sort that, she'd be well able to afford a house-share in Dublin. I can't think of any logical reason why anyone would want to stay on emergency tax. It becomes penal for a very good reason.
3. Living out on her own and having to fend for herself could be the best thing that ever happened to her. She sounds very immature and worse still, is unwilling to change. She badly needs a dose of reality - I can't think of a better way than to have to start fending for herself.
4. If Galway's where she wants to be and she's missing her friends can she not start applying for jobs there? Better to be in a job when job hunting than on the dole back home with mammy. Having her current job on her CV will be of benefit and could get her a better job back home.
5. Lots of people (including myself) had to move away from home for our jobs and we survived. It takes a bit of effort to meet new people but it is possible. Work and house shares are often a very good start.

It takes two to tango. While you feel responsible for having moved, don't forget that it was her decision too. Moving in with someone, especially when you've not known them all that long, is always a risk. It was her idea and she has to jointly take responsibility for things going pear shaped. It's time for her to stop behaving like the spoilt princess she has been and to grow up.

strobe

Unfortunately it just sounds like she's far far too immature (and the selfishness that tends to gi along with that)for you. I'd go farther than saying she's like your flatmate, it sounds more like she's an adoptive child you've taken on. But she isnt, she's an adult whether she likes it or not. You already secured her a pretty well paying job. She will have no problem renting somewhere else in Dublin on that money, if she chooses not to get her tax sorted and spend her wages on clothes instead of putting towards a plqce she can afford that's not your responsibility, she's in her early twenties not early teens.

Perhaps getting her own place and having to stand on her own two feet at last will be the push she needs to begin acting her age.

Merkin

You're dealing with a child who is unwilling and seemingly incapable of conducting herself in an adult fashion. You said before she moved in with you she had her cooking and washing done and her clothes folded and I often think you get "child adults" like this because they have always been facilitated. Her family have facilitated her and now you are unwittingly facilitating her also.

Seeing as the physical aspect of you relationship has now waned and she spends most of the time in the bedroom "hiding" from you but lets you cook and clean after her, you have to ask yourself what it is your gaining from this relationship? I'd hazard a guess and say a big fat zero. I think you know that too.

She sounds like way more hassle than she's worth. She's got a decent job so now it's up to her to step up to the plate and find a new place to live and be responsible for herself. She's in her 20s for goodness sake, that's what people do.

I'd be waving day day. You sound like a nice guy and she has just taken advantage of your good nature. Give her a week to move out and don't look back.

Big Bag of Chips

The only reason I can think of for her reluctance to go to the tax office is she is scared. She has never, ever in her entire life had to do anything for herself. Her parents did everything for her up to a few weeks ago, and then you took over.

This girl hasn't a clue of how to do things for herself. Partly her fault, but mostly the fault of her parents who never thought her the basic life skills needed to make the transition from child to adult. But... That's no excuse. I remember the first time I had to go to a social welfare office. I was 23 and had never been inside the door of one. I was so nervous that morning. I didn't know what to expect. I didn't know what to ask. I didn't know what they'd say to me... But.... I went. I had a knot in my stomach, I got through it and nobody died! Nobody laughed at me (although it wouldn't have killed the clerk to crack a smile ) but the thing was, it was my first time having to do it, and it seemed daunting.

I think that's the problem with your gf. She just doesn't know what to do. I bet if you said that YOU'D go and sort it for her, she'd have no trouble. She might even already have her mam on the case, making phone calls and enquiries for her! Until she sees a payslip and sees how little money she is getting after paying all that tax, it won't bother her. And even then it won't bother her, because she still doesn't fully understand how it works. It's much easier to ignore things and let those around her sort it out for her. It's scary having to look after yourself after being pampered and minded and "mammied" for so long!

If you feel the relationship has reached it's end, then you can't let guilt keep you in it. As already mentioned, that makes you as bad as her parents. You are trying to fix things for her and make things easy for her, because you think she can't look after herself! So you are willing to put up with a situation so that she is not inconvenienced! It might be a good life lesson for her. She needs to realise that she cannot depend on everyone else to do things for her anymore. The time has come in her life to take that big, scary step into becoming an adult.

If she quits her job and goes back home to mammy's dinners and folded clothes.. well then that's her choice, and in no way reflective of you. (Although be prepared for all the family to give our about you 'bringing her to Dublin and then not taking care of her' ). For as long as she continues to be her parents' "child" you can do nothing about her gaining a bit of independence. All you can do is look out for yourself, at this stage.

ManOfMystery

You have the patience of a saint OP. I don't really have much sympathy for someone who acts lazy, irresponsible and also appears to be using you. IMO you should kick her sorry ass out.

LegacyUser

OP, this girl needs to be kicked to touch. Get her out of your space a.s.a.p. or she will drive you demented. She's a free-loader and will drag you down.

heretochat

I agree with MOM. I think you need to kick her ass to the kerb as soon as possible.

She comes across as immature, lazy, selfish and generally not much good for you. She won't even give you a kiss for God's sake.

You are gettgin nothing from this "relationship" while she seems to be getting free lodgings and all that goes with that.

I wouldn't be worried about her future prospects either. Once you get rid of her she is no longer your concern.

LegacyUser

heretochat wrote: »

I agree with MOM. I think you need to kick her ass to the kerb as soon as possible.

She comes across as immature, lazy, selfish and generally not much good for you. She won't even give you a kiss for God's sake.

You are gettgin nothing from this "relationship" while she seems to be getting free lodgings and all that goes with that.

I wouldn't be worried about her future prospects either. Once you get rid of her she is no longer your concern.

Hey.
Regards the tax office I've already brought her into the tax office 2weeks ago and she stormed out of the building because there was a que of 25 people. I tried explaining the que is often longer than this however she stormed out and instead went clothes shopping.

Had planned to ask around for a room for OH in dublin and then suggest that age moves in 1 week when she gets her first pay.
This to me would have been fair enough since as she says she's not happy here. It gives her the time to have the money ready for a room elsewhere. Was going to have a chat with a few people I know who rent rooms.

OH returned form work yesterday evening. And explained that she needed to go to the tax office first thing in the morning and that they would be setting their alarm. This was quite shocking and I enquiried as to where the sudden enthusiasm was coming from.

After having a chat with her mum , her mum has put her in contact with a very close friend if the familly who does student digs (whatever they are ? I've always just rented privately) because their close shel just have to cover the bills.

She already down the tax office as we speak (Miricle )
And she's moving into this dig later on this evening.

So that's the end of that.

Somebody managed to resolve the issue instead of me having to do it.

I'm not quite sure how I feel. I've this huge sense of relief in a big way. I've always wanted to have children in the next few years but this experience alone would be enough to put me off.

I wish things had of been the way before. When OH lived at home I did not have the stresses of looking after her and this made for a great time together.

It's difficult for me to have and express emotion but I think it's fair to say I'm upset but relieved at the same time.

I hope OH uses this opertunity to grow up and learn to not be a child. I feel at her age it's extremely disrespectful to the mother to put this kind of burden on her (she's a single parent trying to look after other siblings in the household too) I always said that she gave in too easy , I seen this as an issue. The problems all started when I wouldn't give in as easy as the mother.

It's crewl I know , but change just has to happen or else she's going to end up back in the mothers next month making her demands again.


Rant /

Sleepy

She just sees you as a soft touch OP.

If she hasn't so much as kissed you in a month, she's not your girlfriend. I'd call her a flatmate but tbh, a flatmate pays their way. She's a leech and you need to get rid of her.

Matteroffact

You have helped her so much OP. It is up to her now to grow up. What you have to do now is give her an ultimatum, she either shapes up or ships out. She knows you will bend and all she has to do is act the baby, but not any more. You don't need a leach, you need a good companion, a good lover. Don't let this go on any further. Lay it on the line that if she doesn't like it then she has to move out, that her behavior is not fair to you and that you are not prepared to put up with it any longer. You don't deserve to be treated like this when all you were doing was being kind to her. It has to work both ways for it to work. Hope this works out for you OP.

ladygirl

OP This girl is using you!!!!! Get Rid of her Immediately...
You say you may have to terminate your " Relationship" - What Relationship????? you have not even kissed in a month.. (because she didnt feel like it)

This type of behavour will eventually wear down your self esteem which is a lot more worrying than her wearing down your finances..

Do not worry if she has to move back to Galway - she is an adult and will have to deal with it as one...

Please do not make excuses for her - She is LAZY plain and simple...

Get rid of her from your life and best of luck to you
you have not in anyway over reacted - I would be disgusted to be treated like this,,,

Stavro Mueller

Glad to hear the issue has somehow resolved itself. Don't let this bad experience put you off your hopes of meeting someone else and having children down the line. You found out to your cost the sort of spoiled immature madam this girl is. Her behaviour is more like what you'd expect from a mollycoddled adolescent, not a grown woman in her twenties. You were very good to her but she's so self centred that she'll come out of this believing she's the victim. Oh well, live and learn, eh,?

Big Bag of Chips

I knew Mammy would have to get involved somewhere! OP, even when you knew you had to ask her to leave, you were still thinking of organising the place that she would move in to. Why would she ever do anything for herself when she has you, or her parents sorting everything out for her.

I wouldn't be so cruel as to call her a leach... Yes... That is what she's doing, but I honestly don't think it's intentional. I think she just hasn't a clue how to live in the "grown up" world yet. And by the sound of it it's going to be a long time before she learns it.

Not your problem, though. There is genuinely nothing you can do. She has to grow up herself. Having someone help her to grow up, is sort of pointless, isn't it?!

Merkin

Yes, you're as well off OP. Interesting that her own mother had to sort her out with alternative accommodation, shows she is totally incapable and unwilling to stand on her own two feet.

Just an additional piece of advice OP. I'd sever ties with her. You've been more than generous and I wouldn't put myself out on her account any longer. Wish her well and delete her number.

Paddy Cow

OP as much as I agree with all the other posters saying that the girl is very immature and has a lot of growing up to do, I think you also have to learn some valuable lessons from this. It is never a good idea to rush into living with someone and three months isn't that long to have been dating. Dublin to Galway isn't really that much of a commute and you could have alternated between visiting each other to see how things would go for a few months before moving in together.

I don't think this girl set out to deliberately use you. She sounds like a silly girl who thought that moving to the city with her boyfriend would be like some sort of Hollywood RomCom but the reality was very different. She was homesick and suddenly faced with the responsibilities of real life she crumbled and bailed. Her mother would have done her a much bigger favour if she told her to suck it up and sort her own life out. She acted spoiled and selfish rather than sly. Only time will tell if she grows up but that's not your problem anymore.

You come across as a nice guy but there is also a "nice guy" vibe going on. I don't know if I'll be able to explain what I mean properly but basically a nice guy is someone who looks out for their partner but also looks out for their own needs and is able to be assertive. A "nice guy" takes care of their partner to the point where their own needs are not met or the relationship doesn't go as they expected and they start to become passive aggressive in trying to rebalance the situation.

It was nice of you to find your partner a job and let her move in but it wasn't your responsibility. You cannot take care of someone, sort out their life and hope they will be so grateful/motivated they will act how you want. There is a small part of immaturity on your part at play here. You were afraid the relationship would fizzle out so rushed into "fixing" everything so that you could live as a happy couple, rather than moving slowly and making sure this move was something you were both ready for.

It also worries me that you seem quite burned by this experience. The vast majority of women want to be in healthy loving relationship where they can rely on their partner for support but are also mature enough to stand on their own two feet. You got off easy with this girl. Had she really been using you, she wouldn't have told you she had spent her money on clothes and was missing her friends and run off less than a month after moving in with you. Trust me, there are grown women out there who would have latched onto your nice guy persona and messed with your head for longer than that. They would cry and make excuses for not having any money and manipulate you into giving yours. They would have you doubting yourself and by the time you did leave (or they left you) you would be very bitter against women. I've seen it happen with friends of mine.

Don't give up on finding a loving partner but thread more cautiously next time. A woman who is secure in herself will have a lot more to offer you than a woman who needs you to sort her life out.