I need to feel desired by my man

FLOWERS1

Hi I just need some help or advice,
I've been with my boyfriend for 3yrs (we are both in our thirties) and he is lovely to me, he's considerate, caring and loyal. we spend all our time together and its the best relationship I've ever had.

The only problem is - is that he doesn't seem to be attracted to me and he has never ever given me the come-on, he wants to be around me all the time but he doesn't ever try feel me up or give me the eye and nothing seems to turn him on, he reject my advances all the time and sex seems to be a bit of a wkly chore, I think he only enjoys the orgasm bit not the sex or the idea of sex.
I don't think he's gay at all so it just doesn't make any sense.

This is really destroying my self-esteem and causing alot arguments and he says doesn't want to break up, neither do I but don't want to feel like I'm forcing my boyfriend to fancy me.

Ive heard of low libido but does that mean that I could never excite him???

ps I could live with out sex but don't think I could live with not being wanted

Please let me know what you think

speedboatchase

Hi OP. You should definitely talk to him about this. If you've been together 3 years then you should be able to broach any subject that is seriously affecting you.

If it is a case of low libido, my advice is that no matter what you do, you won't be able to fix that problem. My ex and I broke up after 6 years and her low libido was the main issue: I never felt wanted or desired, I always felt guilty when instigating sex (it was always me instigating it) and eventually I would veer close to infidelity just to feel desired or attractive to members of the opposite sex.

I had kicked the can down the road for years, telling myself it wasn't a big thing, but it really is. I know you said that you could live without sex but you shouldn't have to deny yourself that and as I mentioned above, the lack of physical desire from your partner will cause self-confidence and guilt issues that will only get worse in time.

Sauve

Mod
Hi OP, I have moved your thread to this forum as I think you'll get better answers here. Please note that their charter now applies.
Regards,
Sauve.

Taltos

OP - I have removed your poll, they are not permitted in PI.
I have also updated your font to make it easier for mobile users to read/contribute.

Taltos

Merkin

FLOWERS1 wrote: »

Hi I just need some help or advice,
I've been with my boyfriend for 3yrs (we are both in our thirties) and he is lovely to me, he's considerate, caring and loyal. we spend all our time together and its the best relationship I've ever had.

How can it be the best relationship you've ever had when he rejects your advances and shows no interest in you sexually? You're only together three short years and are in your 30s, you should be enjoying a healthy and active sex life. Has he always been like this?

Also, why on earth are you setting the bar so low for yourself? You're saying you could live without sex but the not being wanted part hurts you. Sex is an integral part of a happy relationship so saying you can do without is selling yourself VERY short. If he has always been like this I'd have to ask if he even fancies you in the first place and if that's the case then you are in a purely platonic relationship and need to dump him rather than coasting along living a lie tbh. Because the magic and spark isn't suddenly going to appear out of the blue.

heretochat

Merkin wrote: »

How can it be the best relationship you've ever had when he rejects your advances and shows no interest in you sexually?

Also, why on earth are you setting the bar so low for yourself?

These are the two main issues that jumped out at me too, how can a relationship be so fantastic when a vital element of it is being withheld by one of the parties.

How long has it been this way?

I don't think I could remain with someone long term if they made me feel so unattractive and unwanted.

FLOWERS1

thanks for your honest replies

I just don't understand, why would he want to be in a relationship with a girl he doesn't fancy for 3yrs??? and yes it has pretty much always been this way when I talk to him about it ( like pulling teeth) he says he's never really been that turned on before either but he tells me he loves me and cares about me recently he said he did feel that way about a ex he had his teen years but even then I get the impression that he's never been turned on like I would be able to describe it, sometimes I think that he just doesn't think about sex like most of us like that he might be Asexual cos he doesn't watch porn and surely if he just wasn't attracted to me he would have a roaming eye and that is not the case
on the other hand I think that he just wanted to be a relationship

please keep the advice coming this really is the best relationship I've ever had in so many ways he make me feel secure and he would do anything for me and I would for him also I would like to be able to help him and or us

Merkin

FLOWERS1 wrote: »

I just don't understand, why would he want to be in a relationship with a girl he doesn't fancy for 3yrs

Loneliness. The need for companionship. The fear of being alone. The fear of coming out as gay and actually fancying men. He could be simply asexual. He may have an exceptionally low libido but still wants to share his life with someone. There are a veritable plethora of reasons why he might want to be in a relationship.

Why too would you be happy to live in a sexless relationship? That's a question you should be asking as well.

FLOWERS1

thanks merkin but could the man i'm with, really be that cruel to lead me on for 3yrs??? and to answer your question its cos he's good to me bar the sex issue and I don't believe that any relationship is perfect!! and if there is any reasonable way of fixing this I would like to seek an answer before throwing my relationship away BUT THANK YOU, REALLY APPRECIATE YOUR INPUT PLEASE KEEP IT COMING

Merkin

Well I think anyone can have a propensity for cruelty although you'd really need to establish his motives or the reasons behind his lack of interest in sex with you before deeming the man to be cruel.

Does it bother him that he is not interested in sex? Does he masturbate?

LegacyUser

I've been in this situation (all be it, the other way around).

My GF of 3 years had little or no interest in sex. When we did do it, it was at my initiation and she was going through the motions.

This was partly because she found the experience physically painful. I did my best to try and understand the problem and to try and find a solution together, but ultimately it was like pushing water up a hill. I would try and coax her to see doctors / counselors about these issues and she would go (after much persuasion), but it was never a priority for her, there was always something more important to do. It was a problem of the utmost importance to me, a real deal-breaker, but it wasn't for her. I don't know if I could describe her as "asexual" and she certainly wasn't gay, but for whatever reason, sex (or at least sex with me) was not on her agenda. She'd happily have done without.

I became so worn down by the one-sided efforts at resolving our sex life and after 2.5 years or so we really started to drift apart, I lost interest in trying. Eventually we split. I am now in a much happier relationship with a woman who's very compatible with me in that way. It's like night and day.

What I'm trying to say is, its very difficult (impossible I found) to change someone in this way unless they really want to do it themselves. He may have deep-rooted issues that go a long way back and unless he's prepared to whole-heartedly tackle the issues without you having to constantly nag him to do so, then I would not be optimistic. It could also take a long time, but if he at least acknowledges that there is a problem and does his best to deal with it, you might get somewhere.

You are in your 30's, sexual intimacy is so important in a young relationship. Without it everything else (the companionship, friendship, respect, etc.) starts to crumble too.

Merkin

FLOWERS1 wrote: »

and to answer your question its cos he's good to me bar the sex issue and I don't believe that any relationship is perfect!!

No you're right, no relationship is perfect. But there are some things that are cornerstones of a good/happy relationship and are essential to make it work. Things like mutual respect. Kindness. Trust. And sexual chemistry is included in that too. It's the cement that keeps a loving couple together and makes you different from having a purely platonic love with someone. Sex is a wonderful expression of love for someone - it is intensely intimate and so very important, it gets you through the bad times and it's also a fun and exciting part of a union too.

So you say no relationship is perfect. If you were talking about him constantly picking his nose or being clumsy or being late all the time then fine but the issue you are experiencing is actually so fundamental and very serious that unless sorted, your whole relationship is in jeopardy really. I wouldn't just "make do" and agree to a sexless relationship, in fact you'd be mad to - it will just lead to resentment, unhappiness and will ultimately not work.

FLOWERS1

Yeah I think it does and I think he wishes he could please me hence the weekly chore and No don't think he masturbates either and I've tried encouraging him to with porn, lubes and other buzzy things hoping it would get the juices flowing but he's just not really interested and I know he enjoys bj's but think he could take it or leave it, and some times I've to coax him into them as I said above he enjoys orgasm but not really interested in sex or doesn't get turned on by the idea of sex its sorta weird I've not really experienced any thing like it
and we have an intimate relationship he loves kissing me, cuddling and snuggling

heretochat

When all is said and done we can only give our opinions on what you have put in front of us.

It really is down to you and whether you feel you can live your life with no form of sexual interaction with your partner.

But after 3 years, I think you are looking into what your future holds for you if you stay with this guy.

FLOWERS1

thanks Heretochat and Merkin
I'm just trying to see if I can save my relationship, is there something I can do, Is ther something I'm not saying or should say to make sense of this I just really feel desperate for answers or is it just doomed
I've never posted on anything befor ever not on facebook or anything so all and any advice is welcoming

strobe

Have you asked him why he thinks he is like this Flowers? If he's being straight about things and has always been like this then he must have always been aware he was different to most other people and given it some consideration. What does he think the reason is? Does he think himself that he could be asexual? Has he ever thought about seeing a professional about this? To see if there is some medical or psychological component that could be contributing to or causing this?
Have you asked him if it is something he feels is something that he would want to be different about himself? Has he done anything to try before? Does he think there is anything that could possibly make a difference or does he just feel this is how he is and he's ok with that?

Anyone here, including you, can only guess at anything. Its up to him to try to understand, if he doesn't already know, why he's like this, and to tell you completely openly and honestly.

I feel for you. Sounds like a really tough situation to be in.

FLOWERS1

thank you strobe I have tried to ask him many of the questions you mentioned and I don't think he does think he was any different to anyone else he said he thought the lads were just having a laugh and basically bigging up their masculinity when they would chat about their girlfriends or sex he doesn't really think that what the lads are saying is actually what happens behind closed doors and its like he doubts me when I say its true or anything else he hears
I have I'm sorry to say brought up the asexual thing with him and I think he did think he had a few similar traits but really its a lot to take in and don't think he wants to talk about it and its like pulling teeth, he says that thats just the way he is and has always been but I cant cope with the not been wanted as I said we have sex once a week I think its to please me and it is good but he defo doesn't get turned on sex is sorta a means to an end for him enjoys the climax and like to please me but just doesn't ever get into it

Esoteric_

If you've tried to talk to him about it and he just says 'that's how I've always been,' then how do you expect to fix things? It takes both of you to fix it, and you've tried but he's unwilling to even talk about it.

You say you can live without sex if you knew he wanted you, but if he wanted you, sex would happen! One goes with the other.

Try talking to him, but make it clear you can't spend your life with somebody who doesn't want you. He has to know you're willing to leave him. If that doesn't give him the kick up the backside he needs to do some honest talking, nothing will.

FLOWERS1

I know others would say why would you want to be in a relationship where you don't feel desired its just that he does desire me in other ways and he has so many qualities that I love and respect, he's loving and caring and a man with integrity, he's considerate, supportive and loyal and can tell me when I'm wrong or right, he's emotionally mature and there are no mind games we are straight and honest with each other and basically have a very loving relationship it's the kind of relationship I've always wanted its only his lack of wanting that is causing a problem
so please help me, I just want people's true insights!!!! so don't be a afraid to be frank, straight up or honest

Desperate for answers at this stage and think it will break us up if I cant figure out ways to fix it I'm willing to try anything

Esoteric_

Being completely blunt - he's not open or honest or loyal. If he were any of these things, he'd try to fix things, and have an open conversation with you about the sex issue.

What you have sounds like what I have with my best friend.

alias06

I'm going to go against the thread of what people have been saying here. I agree with most other posters that sex is very important in a relationship. But sex is not love. Its a physical act. You can have sex, even good sex, with someone you dislike. I know I have been with girls before and even if they were in a wheel chair or had some other physical problem and so couldn't have sex, I would still have stayed with them because I loved them. An issue has arisen in this relationship where the man has lost interest in sex. There are a whole host of possible reasons why this might be. The OP still loves her husband and presumably he still loves here. But the sexual spark in this relationship has gone, for the husband anyway, for whatever reason. The OP needs to find out what that reason is and go from there. It might be physical, he could be stressed, he might have a very low drive, it might be a something deeper like no longer feels the same level of attraction. The way some poster are talking you would think sex was everything in a relationship. It isn't. It is important and this issue needs to be sorted out. But as the OP is saying herself there are a huge amount of positives in this relationship and I think one should try to optimistic that this can yet be sorted out.

FLOWERS1

Alias
Thank you for your input and I agree with you and a lot of what the other posts say and I would have to say I think the main reason i'm posting on boards is because I am treading on the thought of breaking-up and this is actually my last act really of trying to salvage my relationship and if anyone had any idea's of what I could try
and just want to retify that he has never really had an interest in sex or porn and the way we got together was he was asking me out and meeting each other in the pub all the time and he did push for it to turn into a relationship but we are really honestly great together and he wants to stay together but he doesn't really want to deal with the sex thing either

I suppose I just want people to either tell me if they think (1) there is a prob with him so we can try and sort it or (2) tell me that he just doesn't fancy me and I should move on

I just don't understand if he doesn't fancy me then why does he want to be with me??? were together 3yrs and he doesn't have a roaming eye???? it just doesn't make any sense to me

And yes I appreciate the blunt remarks too

Thanks everyone for replying

Meauldsegosha

FLOWERS1 wrote: »

he wants to stay together but he doesn't really want to deal with the sex thing either

This speaks volumes to me. He knows this is an issue and that you are worried and have concerns but doesn't want to even try to rectify the situation.

He may be a great man and have integrity as you as but that sentence above says the complete opposite.

FLOWERS1

Meauldsegosha
he has tried sorta but in the way of having more sex when I start to have a face on and when we talk its like we speak a different language so what do you suggest I do and please tell me what you mean by my statement speaking volumes cos I'm slightly lost at that so please spell it out, are you saying he doesn't want to be with me???

Faith

You could ask him to get some counselling. If he's willing, then it's a sign that he wants to work on things and that he cares about how this affects you. If he refuses, then it's a pretty good sign that he's selfish and doesn't care about your happiness .

I couldn't be in a relationship like that, but if you really want to do everything to try and save it, then counselling is pretty much the only step left.

Meauldsegosha

FLOWERS1 wrote: »

Meauldsegosha
he has tried sorta but in the way of having more sex when I start to have a face on and when we talk its like we speak a different language so what do you suggest I do and please tell me what you mean by my statement speaking volumes cos I'm slightly lost at that so please spell it out, are you saying he doesn't want to be with me???

I'm saying if he loved and respected you he would do whatever it takes to make you happy. You say the issue is not really sex but that he doesn't give you a hug, the come on, show affection. These are things that can be worked on and changed. You are on here asking people to help you find ways for saving your relationship. What is he doing?

FLOWERS1

Actual he does want to hug me, kiss me cuddle me and wants to be around me all the time the prob is that he's not into sex in the mood for sex and it seems I don't turn him on or excite him and he never initiates it and says things like we only had sex a few days ago and he never comes on to me or initiates it I just don't feel he desires me

alias06

I think from what I have read of your posts that your husband does love you. There are a million ways to show someone that you love them. Your husband is kind and considerate, even affectionate, and does show you that he loves you. The problem is that he does not seem to desire you sexually. He doesn't lust after you.

You have said he has never had an interest in sex or porn and the way you got together was through meeting up in the pub and he never pushed the sex agenda. What this would say to me is that its quite likely that sex is just not a big thing for him at all i.e. he probably has a low libido/drive and doesn't rate sex as so important in a relationship. Some people rate it more important than others. For example, for me whether or not someone really loved me would be much more important - different strokes for different folks -for me sex a physical thing that's enjoyable and one of the many ways you can show someone you love them - but its not love in and of itself.

I think you need to talk to him about it again. It could be that you are just not sexually compatible at all. I think he is happy being in a relationship with you, where he does love you, and he shows that he loves you, he enjoys spending time with you, but there isn't the lust or sexual spark. From the start he never pushed the sex agenda, so this is probably what he wanted from the beginning.

He says this is just the way he is and always has been. He might well be telling the truth here, so I think its going to be difficult to get him to change to be honest.

If you could convince to go to couples counselling to try and talk this out that might be your best chance.

FLOWERS1

Alias
you have really hit the nail on the head and I really appreciate your post and yeah I would say we are sorta sexually incompatible but I'm so confused I've never come across this before ever and don't no how to handle it
do you not think its strange that he never comes on to me, that he never desires me, it sorta feels like a sexual spark is missing but I feel loved by him just not desired and I'm afraid he doesn't fancy me but that doesn't make sense either as he wants to be around me, and cuddle up on the couch
its just so unusual that I cant make sense of it

alias06

FLOWERS1 wrote: »

Alias
do you not think its strange that he never comes on to me, that he never desires me, it sorta feels like a sexual spark is missing but I feel loved by him just not desired and I'm afraid he doesn't fancy me but that doesn't make sense either as he wants to be around me, and cuddle up on the couch
its just so unusual that I cant make sense of it

Yes I do think this is strange. Fair enough if one partner in a relationship has a lower drive than the other. But for him never to come on to you or initiate sex is strange.

I think the sexual spark for him isn't there and he doesn't miss it. He is happy with things as they are, where he does love you, but doesn't lust after you. From what you have written its pretty much always been like this for him, he never pushed the sex agenda - it was never a big thing for him.

As I said I think your best bet is to talk it out with him again and talk it out with a couples counsellor. This may be a deal breaker for you and you need to make that clear to him. At the end of it you might find that you two can work something out or you might find he just can't change and the relationship is over because you need to feel desired by a man and are not willing to be in a long-term relationship without sexual chemistry.

FLOWERS1

Thanks everyone for your replies and especially to alias as I really do think you understand the situation and I will ask if he wants us to discuss this with a professional as it really is knocking my self-esteem and confidence and I don't know how much more I can take asking myself is it me that doesn't do it for him

Thank you all again!! it is honestly much appreciated

Stavro Mueller

There have been a few threads here in recent months from deeply unhappy men whose wives won't have sex with them any more. When people probe more deeply (if you pardon the pun) it often turns out that the sexual problems often existed before they got married. Yet they went on and got married anyway. I'm mentioning this as a caution to you and the way you're thinking.

To be honest, it looks like your boyfriend is enjoying the not being single part of his life more than the being in a relationship part of his life if that makes sense. Being single in your 30s can be a lonely time, especially when your friends are all partnered up and are having kids. Could it be that he's enjoying having someone to hang around with more than having a girlfriend?

FLOWERS1

Cynbaline my fear is that your right, but I suppose only time will tell and at the end of the day the ball is in his court and I guess its up to him really to get open an honest with me if he wants to save the relationship but I think he owes it to me to start talking and soon cause I don't want to be strung along any longer if that's the case
thank you for your reply

FLOWERS1

Hi

I just want to know if you think its common for people to go out with someone they didn't fancy??? What are people's thoughts on this???

has anyone gone out with someone they didn't fancy or vice versa and how long did it last???

I'm only curious because I'm not sure if I'm in a similar situation and think it would interesting to find out if this was common or rare???

Paddy Cow

What? If you don't fancy someone let them go and find someone who does. You will only end up hurting someone if you date them to see how dating someone yo u don't fancy works out. I find the question bizarre.

Taltos

OP - please don't open multiple threads here in a short space of time, doing so can result in all threads being closed and in some instances moderator action being taken. In this instance though we have merged your two threads.

Please take 5 minutes now to also read our charter.

Taltos

beks101

From what you've posted, this isn't a new problem. It's a three-year-old problem that was there right from the start. The sex was never regular and never felt like anything but a chore from his end. Why did you put up with it for three years? Were you just biding your time in this "wonderful" relationship, waiting for something to change?

To be honest, I wouldn't be too optimistic at all about him turning around suddenly and becoming sexually interested, if it wasn't there from the start and he isn't willing to engage in any discussion about it, other than "I've always been this way".

The real question is - is this a deal-breaker for you? Is the relationship strong enough that you'd be prepared to set aside your own sexual needs for the rest of your life, without any growing resentment or frustration towards him?

Personally, I'd have lasted all of five minutes in this kind of relationship. it sounds to me, as Esoteric put it, like a very good friendship and nothing more. I'd find it soul-destroying to be deprived of that intimacy with the man that I love, lying beside him and falling asleep next to him night after night, year after year and not doing what comes naturally in a healthy sexual relationship.

No, sex is not the end all and be all, but feeling unwanted and unsexy to the man you love will have very real implications for your self esteem, confidence and happiness - and relationship - down the line. Think long and hard about that. Is his caring and loving nature worth sacrificing your sexual life and as a by-product, a good deal of your self-confidence and happiness?

LegacyUser

I would agree with the above post. You are with this man for 3 years and even since the start of this relationship he was unwilling to make any sexual advances towards you.
You have a sex life when you push for it but it is like a chore for him.
Your with a man who knows he has a problem but he is unwilling to do anything about this.

I would have to be very honest here.
He is using you as he has someone to go out with and he appears to be the same the rest of his family/friends but he is treating you like a best friend.

I would let him know that you are not willing to keep up the charade of a relationship you have at the moment. I would tell him that you know that I have been unhappy about our lack of a proper sexual relationship for a while but you were not willing to do anything about this. I would then tell him that because of this you are ending this so called relationship.
He may be upset over this but he has had long enough to sort this out.

I know that you have tried to make this relationship work but you with a man who won't change. You deserve to be in a relationship with a man who treats you like a proper sexual being not as his best friend so he can appear the same as other people of his age.

Merkin

FLOWERS1 wrote: »

Hi

I just want to know if you think its common for people to go out with someone they didn't fancy??? What are people's thoughts on this???

has anyone gone out with someone they didn't fancy or vice versa and how long did it last???

I'm only curious because I'm not sure if I'm in a similar situation and think it would interesting to find out if this was common or rare???

I can understand for sheer self protection how you'd want to justify or normalise your relationship but as it stands your relationship is highly abnormal. I really think its time to call it quits to be honest. I know you think this is the best relationship you've ever had but its not normal and you can't possibly be happy, you wouldn't be posting here if you were you. I also think if this man really loved you then he'd be doing everything in his power to sort this out, he just can't be bothered. You deserve more.

FLOWERS1

Can anyone tell me if this is true - years ago he had a blood sugar test which revealed it was high and that he'd have to keep an eye on it, which being a bloke he just shrugged it off, I've recently heard that blood sugars can effect your libido??? (1) Is this true????

(2)Also can men with low libido's get it up??? - as that's not his issue

(3)or is it just that they lost the want for it ??? this is his issue

PS to the posters who suggested that if he's not trying to sort it out - would just like to say that he is trying to please me more often, its just he's not got the wanting and
as far as professional help goes - I think he's afraid to find out that there's something "wrong" with him and I can understand that! its a big thing to blokes - its their masculinity under question and I want to be supportive and not push him too much, I'm not however just gonna sit by enabling him not to deal with it but it is a sensitive issue

Emme

FLOWERS1 wrote: »

Can anyone tell me if this is true - years ago he had a blood sugar test which revealed it was high and that he'd have to keep an eye on it, which being a bloke he just shrugged it off, I've recently heard that blood sugars can effect your libido??? (1) Is this true????

(2)Also can men with low libido's get it up??? - as that's not his issue

(3)or is it just that they lost the want for it ??? this is his issue

PS to the posters who suggested that if he's not trying to sort it out - would just like to say that he is trying to please me more often, its just he's not got the wanting and
as far as professional help goes - I think he's afraid to find out that there's something "wrong" with him and I can understand that! its a big thing to blokes - its their masculinity under question and I want to be supportive and not push him too much, I'm not however just gonna sit by enabling him not to deal with it but it is a sensitive issue

If your boyfriend's blood sugar is high he could be pre-diabetic or diabetic. Is he overweight or obese? Never mind his libido, if he is in poor health this would affect his overall energy. Are you in good shape yourself? It is important for men to find their partners visually attractive. Perhaps you both need to overhaul your diet and start exercising more.

He sounds like he loves you and is a good man. Are you expecting too much from him? Like someone else said sex is not the be all and end all of a relationship. You are close in other ways and you have sex once a week. An awful lot of single people in their 30s would be grateful for that. Would you rather have a boyfriend who says he loves you but has such a high sex drive that he feels justified in cheating on you as well as having sex with you every night?

Relationships are about compromise. If you don't want to be single, seeking and involuntarily celibate then count your blessings and be thankful for what you have. You are very lucky but you don't realize it.

Merkin

No offense Emme but that would be setting the bar pretty damn low for yourself to say you'd be satisfied with such rock-bottom expectations. Seriously. The OP shouldn't count herself lucky, not at all. The relationship is highly abnormal. Her partner expresses no interest in her sexually and makes no sexual advances whatsoever, no wonder she is so deeply upset with how things stand in her relationship.

Since I read this thread initially I was just thinking about my own relationship with my husband. Besides from an active sex life he touches me a lot and is very tactile and I like it. It's naughty and it's fun and I know he's really attracted to me (as I am to him) and that's what a couple in love and who fancy one another normally do. I was in the kitchen yesterday and he came up behind me, turned me round and gave me the biggest kiss and cuddle (before giving my ass a cheeky slap ) and to me that's normal and part of being a couple. If we didn't have an active sex life and enjoy hugs and snogs and cheeky gropes then we'd have an amazing bond but it would only be as friends and neither of us could be in that type of relationship. Fine if you love someone and for medical reasons your sex life had to suffer until a solution was found, but this man makes no advances whatsoever to the OP and doesn't seem to think there is a problem....it's a very big problem.

Not trying to make you feel worse here OP but I'm not going to attempt to normalize highly abnormal behaviour as that would be merely papering over some pretty significant cracks.

ShaShaBear

Something as simple as the act of conceiving a child should put this into perspective for you OP.

Do you want children?
In your thirties, this is something you need to consider. Especially since having to battle with your partner to have sex with you once a week could really cause problems when trying to conceive.

I know what it is like to be in a relationship with someone who appears to love and cherish you, but has no interest in sex. In fact, in one of them after I dumped him, we danced about a bit as single and the sex was electric. And as soon as he won me over, the sexy rug was pulled out from under me, and I was lucky to get it once a fortnight. After two long years I eventually discovered that he truly cared for me and loved the way I treated him, but he felt that he couldn't score the kind of girls he really lusted after, so being with me and being treated well and feeling loved and getting sex out of his system when he absolutely needed it was much better to him than remaining single and never getting sex because the girls he really wanted were not interested in him.

I am SO glad I broke away from that, my self esteem plummeted to unimaginable lows and I couldn't understand how it went from when we met where he told me that he felt like he was in a dream because I was way out of his league, to him admitting to me that there was not a single physical feature of mine that he found appealing.

He is now in a relationship with a taller, much slimmer girl with different hair, eyes and a much more dominant personality so in a way I'm glad he's found what he wants. I am in a relationship with a guy I accidentally friendzoned due to the distance apart we lived, and now we are expecting our first child, who we worked very, very hard to create I feel utterly wanted now, and my partner lets me know every day how utterly sensual and attractive he thinks I am, and I'm a better person for it.

This relationship will not work for you, because you (like me) need sex to feel wanted and desired. That's allowed. It's totally normal, and not a part of you that you should give up because you "think" you've got the perfect relationship.

FLOWERS1

I really do appreciate the replies but doesn't anybody think that this maybe a medical issue that had begun before our relationship started bar the reason above I've posted he has other blood sugar symptoms I don't want to say encase this would make him identifiable???? ok it burning feet

Esoteric_

I don't mean to be harsh at all, but you're looking for excuses for him. You WANT him to have a medical problem so you can tell yourself 'it's not me, it's not his fault, he still loves and wants me.'

It's simply not true, in my opinion. If he had a medical problem, either physical or psychological, he'd get help if he truly wanted to be able to want you.

I was in your boyfriend's position before. I'd been raped, had major issues, absolutely hated sex, had no sex drive, but did it once or twice a week to keep my ex happy.

After a while, without any discussion from my ex (because he was actually happy with the sex life we had), I realised I needed to sort it out. I spent seven years in therapy and on various medication.

Now? I have a very high sex drive, love sex and can't stand the idea of NOT having sex with my current boyfriend.

As an aside, I'd never be able to stay in a relationship where I felt unwanted. My boyfriend makes me feel wanted all the time, through words and through actions like grabbing me unexpectedly for a kiss, grabbing my ass, finding any excuse to just put his arm around me and pull me in for a cuddle.

I've been in your position and I've been in your boyfriend's position. If he loved you, he would seek help.

FLOWERS1

Hi all,

After a long discussion with my partner and telling him how much this issue has been affecting me, and that it just couldn't be ignored anymore, he broke down and said "he knew it was a problem, that it had been for a few years before he even met me, but he just didn't want to face it, that he was afraid and embarrassed" which I can completely understand! As I read on a post from someone's else's thread "Male pride can be a very dangerous animal when wounded" my heart goes out to him and I just want to comfort him, but he kinda retreated a bit into the man cave

After trying to reassure him that low libido is the second most common sexual problem after pre-ejaculation, that all will be ok, and that we can work through anything together!!!! and that I loved him, - we now have an appointment to speak to a doctor and we will take it from there

I'm also aware that this could be a long and tough road but as I've said before this is the best relationship I've ever had and I owe it to myself and to him to give it the best shot I can!! cos I love him and he would do the exact same for me!!


So thank you all for your post's and advice, especially to those (Alias06 and others) for their encouraging post's, to you's I'm most grateful!;)

Esoteric_

I'm delighted he finally spoke out, was honest and has sought help. I hope everything gets back on track in time. Best of luck.