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Boredom in the evenings

  • 20-11-2013 4:21pm
    #1
    Site Banned Posts: 4


    Hi all. Just looking for some advice. I have been with my partner for 2 years now and living together for 1. Basically my problem is is that since living with him, i find the evenings difficult, as in I don't really know how we should be spending time together. Neither of us have many interests outside of each other or work, and due to physical imparities I am working from home and pretty much house ridden for the time being.
    How do you guys spend evenings with your partner? Night after night of watching movies and trying to chit chat is beginning to get really difficult. I lived alone previous to him, and I rather enjoyed watching TV series alone and chatting with friends on the internet etc. Now it just seems a bit of a chore. As soon as I've made dinner and we've got everything done for the evening, I really don't know what to say or do, and neither does he. It's a difficult subject to talk about as we don't really know what's wrong. We have a 6 month old baby too so it's difficult to have much time out on our own these days, plus we're flat broke so signing up for courses and stuff is not really an option for the time being.
    What do you guys do in the evenings? We get on really well, still have a lot of fun together at the weekends etc, and we're very much in love. This is proving difficult though and I don't know how to get past this awkwardness in the evenings.


Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,971 ✭✭✭Holsten


    You'll both need to get some form of hobbies that would give time away from each other in my view.

    You say you like to watch TV alone and chat with people on the net, can you not do that while he does something else?

    You don't have to be in each others pockets 24/7.


  • Site Banned Posts: 4 MobyThrice


    Holsten wrote: »
    You'll both need to get some form of hobbies that would give time away from each other in my view.

    You say you like to watch TV alone and chat with people on the net, can you not do that while he does something else?

    You don't have to be in each others pockets 24/7.

    Well I could do but is going upstairs to our room and sitting there on a laptop not a bit rude? Is it unusual that I'd like time to myself pretty much every weeknight?
    Well we don't really know anyone where we live, and he does do things, but he's home by 8 every evening. He would see friends at weekends sometimes, and plays 5 a side after work and does a course during week but he's still home around 8 every night!
    I'm worried now we're maybe not right for each other if this is an issue :(


  • Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Regional East Moderators, Regional North West Moderators Posts: 12,523 Mod ✭✭✭✭miamee


    OP I find if I spend too much time with someone without doing other things, we run out of things to talk about! For example, my best friend and I spent the entirety of the last bank holiday together. We had a great weekend but by Monday afternoon we'd definitely had enough of each other because I had nothing new to tell him about - not even my great bank holiday weekend cos he was there for all of it :D

    You two obviously know each other inside out, you know everything that is going on with each other and if you don't get out of the house much then you probably don't have much to share in the evenings in the way of "this is what happened in my day". If you both pursue other interests away from your partner (even in the same house!), you will appreciate your time together more, have more things to share and catch up on and talk about I think. Go, spend an hour talking online to your friends or calling people or just reading a book or browsing online and see how that goes. There is no crime in not wanting to be joined at the hip 24/7...it doesn't mean you are not right for each other at all!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 7,484 ✭✭✭username123


    Myself and my husband do the following in the evenings (not everything every evening!).

    Exercise - usually separately.
    Prepare dinner/do chores - together or separately.
    Watch a bit of a tv series - together or him separately (I rarely watch tv alone).
    Internet - separately, in different rooms, or the same room but separate devices.
    Study - me, whatever room is free.
    Study - him, he has a room he uses for this.
    Hobby - him, he has a room he uses for this.
    Hobby - me, could be inside or outside.
    Out for a coffee/drink/dinner - together or separately with friends or family.
    Read - separately.
    Chat - during any of the above.

    Usually Im racing around trying to fit in work/chores/study/exercise/lie on couch/hobbies so before I know it its time for bed. We both have a lot of different academic interests so often one or other of us is pursuing some line of interest (for example I am interested in Astronomy and go through phases of being out with the telescope or binoculars).

    I spent 2 years not working and studied part time during it and even with all that free time I never had enough time to do the things I enjoy.

    You need to find things you like doing, and do them. I think where you may be having the issue is that you both somehow expect the other to entertain/do stuff with them. So you sit looking at each other waiting for someone to suggest something. If I want my husband to do something with me (even just watch a film) I nearly have to book him in advance because he is so busy and same goes, Id have plans to study or get things done etc...

    What did your partner used to do of an evening before he lived with you and why cant he continue to do that to some degree?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 7,484 ✭✭✭username123


    MobyThrice wrote: »
    Well I could do but is going upstairs to our room and sitting there on a laptop not a bit rude? Is it unusual that I'd like time to myself pretty much every weeknight?

    lol, my husband has a whole room to himself - I call it the man cave - that has his computer and hobby stuff. It wouldnt be unusual for him to spend months in there and for me to have to call him out for food!

    Similarly I could get involved in some area of interest and be on the laptop in the bedroom for weeks on end.

    Its not rude at all, its how it is to live with someone.


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  • Site Banned Posts: 4 MobyThrice


    What did your partner used to do of an evening before he lived with you and why cant he continue to do that to some degree?

    I think he just did what he does now, except you don't really have to worry about anyone else when you're on your own. If you're sat there night after night with not much going on (during the week at least), i think it makes you reflect on yourself that you're not really doing anything! I never found it an issue when I was alone as I was content that way. Now I just feel like I should be more interesting, or able to entertain my partner more. I feel so boring :(. But what am i supposed to do? I have this stupid baby pulling my t*ts off every 10 minutes aswell!!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,695 ✭✭✭December2012


    In addition to the above advice, a good thing to do when you want to interact but maybe are too tired or don't have a lot to say is a good board game. Risk, Hotel, Scrabble, Monopoly, cards. Chess, dominoes.

    I love doing this as a way to "do" something with my husband.

    Also, and not to be glib, but taking early nights is lots of fun!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,971 ✭✭✭Holsten


    MobyThrice wrote: »
    Well I could do but is going upstairs to our room and sitting there on a laptop not a bit rude? Is it unusual that I'd like time to myself pretty much every weeknight?(

    No, not at all! My god! You need to start doing stuff like this!

    No, it's completely normal, EVERYONE needs time to themselves some more than others. I'd go insane if I was with my other half all the time.


  • Site Banned Posts: 4 MobyThrice


    Holsten wrote: »
    No, not at all! My god! You need to start doing stuff like this!

    No, it's completely normal, EVERYONE needs time to themselves some more than others. I'd go insane if I was with my other half all the time.

    That makes me feel a lot better. Some good advice here. It's just that we were so passionate and it was so romantic for what seemed like forever. Now its come to this, and it's really upset me :(


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,695 ✭✭✭December2012


    MobyThrice wrote: »
    That makes me feel a lot better. Some good advice here. It's just that we were so passionate and it was so romantic for what seemed like forever. Now its come to this, and it's really upset me :(

    That can happen as you adjust to the new life of parenting. The tiredness alone is a huge factor.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 7,484 ✭✭✭username123


    mmmm....you sound very frustrated. I totally understand what you mean about it only when you live with someone else is it highlighted you are not doing much of an evening. Id go mad if I was in a room with my husband evening after evening!!

    I think you both could do with finding some interests. Stuff you can do at home. I am endlessly interested in so many things. I think that people in general just get into a rut of doing nothing and then think that they have no interests. But there must be stuff that interests you, something to fire the imagination, something you would like to do or be good at doing - like playing a musical instrument, knitting, art - or if you are not the creative type (like me), a subject that you like, astronomy, learning a language, growing stuff. I could make a long list, but you know what I mean.

    Get yourself a project, and engage in it. Youre not responsible for entertaining anyone else, he needs to find stuff to do himself too.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 152 ✭✭doulikeit


    hi op, what works for me is i started strumming an old guitar my brother gave me not much interest at the start but gets better as you improve i also go to the gym always leaves me in a good mood and ready for a bit of the good news when i get home plus 4 mad kids fill the rest of the evenings fairly well


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 753 ✭✭✭Semele


    MobyThrice wrote: »
    But what am i supposed to do? I have this stupid baby pulling my t*ts off every 10 minutes aswell!!

    Now, it may just be that I'm tired and not picking up on tone very well, but this statement stood out for me a bit OP. Even if it's meant flippantly then it'd ring some alarm bells though....I don't mean that to be remotely 'judge-y', cos personally I think Id never in a million years handle having a baby! How have you been finding things in general since having the baby? A lot of people find it really difficult and I wonder if there's something more going on there that you could get some support with?

    The other thing that I wondered about is why weekends are different/good? What makes that much different to spending time together of an evening? TBH, I really got a sense that you're both trying so hard to make things good and to please the other but that maybe that's resulted in you both getting stuck acting a role and consequently feeling unnatural. I act much the same way whether I live with someone or not, but then most of my interests are fairly solitary ones (reading etc), so there's not much alternative!

    As others have said, you really need to get some interests, for your own sake. Even if you hate everything you have a go at, the novelty of new things should shake you out of your rut a bit! Even something like knitting can be oddly fun and makes it feel like you're accomplishing something while sitting around in front of the TV! This time of year is great for taking up anything crafty- why not make your own Xmas cards, or pop over to the Cooking & Recipes form for their great thread on homemade foodie presents?

    All the best OP- I've not been in your situation but I have had a period of feeling similarly lost and out of touch with who I am and what I like, and it's a bloody dreary place to be!x


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,695 ✭✭✭December2012


    I don't know how but I missed the breast feeding comment by you OP - sorry about that!

    I've definitely been where you are and that definitely adds an extra dimension to tiredness and feeling "stuck".

    I'm not a lactation expert but around a baby's six month mark can be really tough as it's a development stage and they are extra demanding for breast milk and comfort, there's a LOT going on for baby and they need loads of holding and snuggling and feeding (irrespective of method) and it is a slog! But it is temporary and it will pass soon. Look up Wonder Weeks.

    Also look up lactation cookies etc to increase your supply.

    Make sure you're getting rest and sleep - it really will help during this difficult phase.

    Also if you're restricted to the house could you try to get out during the day? If you've the baby, try some mother and baby classes in yoga, swimming, exercise, baby and mother groups, adult conversation!

    That being said, obviously make sure your partner is also doing his share of baby care - he can do everything except feed the baby, can you go do something at the weekend when he's home?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 187 ✭✭ladygirl


    Is it possible for you to meet friends in the evening as opposed to chatting with them on the internet..
    Also you need to take up some hobby ie' walking, yoga, painting, knitting, baking..

    Is it possible that you too could maybe take up a course!!??


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