Dealing with a manipulative man

LegacyUser

Hi everyone. I posted this thread last year (http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056762119). It's quite a long one. Basically in my group of friends "from home", a guy told me he had feelings for me (in 2011). I told him I didn't feel that way and he was verbally and mildly physically abusive to me on the night I told him I didn't like him in that way. From Nov 2011 - October 2012 any time he saw me (if we bumped into each other in a bar - we never met up) he would get progressively drunk, insult and basically verbally abuse me. Called me ugly, questioned the validity of my work, undermined me at every turn round.

He was best man and I was chief bridesmaid at a destination wedding in in Oct 2012 and a few weeks prior to the wedding, he got a mutual friend to ring me up and tell me to "behave myself" on holiday - stop leading him on, in essence. I was asked to leave a house party to send off the bride and groom (who left to the wedding location a few days before the rest of us) because I was there and he "pulsed with anger" at the sight of me, He had been telling people he was going to drop out of the wedding because of me, which caused a lot of stress. I had only seen him a handful of times in the period before the wedding but he had been sullying my name to anyone who would listen, pretty much.

Anyways, I got through the destination wedding and that was fine. Made sure I wasn't near him alone and that I didn't drink too much. He said mildly manipulative things to me e.g. standing in a group of people suggesting I'd made a fool of myself at the wedding reception, "oh don't you remember what you said last night? "you should really remember what you got up to last night"... etc etc. Irritating but fine. After the destination wedding there was another party here in Ireland and it was a 2-night affair. I had to go to the States for work soon after so only spent 1 night at the "home party". The 2nd night, a friend told me that the best man was going around everyone asking them to choose between me and him.... Telling people that I was in love with him and that I was making him uncomfortable. Etc, etc.

I know all of these incidences were 1/2 years ago and I am over it to a certain extent. The best man moved away to live in Europe with his girlfriend (who he had all throughout the destination wedding) so I haven't had to see him. But I'm really angry. I'm angry that he took "my power" and demeaned me, belittled me, humiliated me and caused me a lot of stress. I'm disappointed in my mutual friends who knew what was going on and didn't assist me. But most of all I'm sick of people-pleasing. I've recently moved back to my home town so perhaps that's why these feelings are becoming more apparent. I haven't been fixated on this or anything. But the thought of having to go out over Christmas and sit at the same table as him, having him be all "pally" with the oblivious groom (who is like an older brother to me) while I sit there worried, watching myself, making sure I don't drink too much.... Even if the best man has finally wised up and moved on I know I'll be on tenterhooks.

After the wedding and the "home party" last year, I actually went to Dublin for 3 nights instead of going out with my friends from home over Xmas - missing out on the traditions I've enjoyed for the past 10 years. While it was a really great break spent with a valued friend, I don't think I should have to ostracise myself this year again. But also I don't want to have to sit silent. If he offers me a drink I feel like I would leap across the table and grab him by the throat... in actuality I'd probably just meekly sit and say no.

I know I'm reading way too much into it and in my daily life, this is not a big concern. Just starting to get texts from people planning "12 pubs of Christmas" events and the like and I'm just so wary and angry.

How can I go about gaining some self respect and take my power back? Would something as simple as "I'd rather die of thirst" be adequate if he asks me if I want a drink? What if he throws an absolute strop or demands that I am made to leave? I don't want my friends to think I'm a "hysterical female" but I think I've stayed silent long enough. Need a plan to help me assert myself.

Merkin

sweet lil gal wrote: »

I've recently moved back to my home town so perhaps that's why these feelings are becoming more apparent. I haven't been fixated on this or anything. But the thought of having to go out over Christmas and sit at the same table as him, having him be all "pally" with the oblivious groom (who is like an older brother to me) while I sit there worried, watching myself, making sure I don't drink too much....

Why are you still protecting this man? The wedding is now over so you can say anything you want to the bride and groom as they got married over a year ago. There's no wedding to ruin or bad atmosphere to foster. If the groom is like an older brother to you then ask him to meet you for a drink and tell him how you're feeling and exactly what has gone on.

It also seems like you're annoyed with your friends for not backing you but it also seems like you've kept the entire catalogue of events to yourself - people aren't mind readers and unless you explicitly tell them then how are they to know? Likewise they're not going to be looking out for sh1tty behaviour from him unless you have them warned.

Neyite

This brings back memories to the aftermath of an abusive relationship. I was really angry that he seemingly got away scot-free, out partying and pursuing another relationship and enjoying life while I was an emotional basket-case.

It angered me that mutual friends preferred to stay friends with him, that they believed his version of events at worst (that I was unhinged, crazy etc) or at best, "didn't want to take sides" which was no good really as I had no support.

At the wedding, you did the right thing by not retaliating as it would have ruined the wedding for the bride and groom. You were the better person and the better friend. His digs and comments were designed purely to get you to be the one who ruined the wedding and cause a scene. And you didnt fall for the bait, despite his best efforts. He failed and you won even though it was hard work for you.

But Christmas. Well, nothing preventing you from giving back as good as you get. I would aim for "icy cool" rather than "anger" as yelling and screaming at him only gives him ammunition that you are crazy etc.

I wouldn't get into a verbal spat with him though, he sounds unhinged - what normal person acts this way when turned down? If he insists they choose between you and your friends choose him, well, they are not your friends. Maybe some other posters will good suggestions of what to say.

Mine would be to say clearly in front of everyone when he starts "John, drop it eh? people want to enjoy their night out without you dragging up some silly vendetta from the past just because I turned you down when you asked me out"

R.D. aka MR.D

Neyite wrote: »

Mine would be to say clearly in front of everyone when he starts "John, drop it eh? people want to enjoy their night out without you dragging up some silly vendetta from the past just because I turned you down when you asked me out"

I agree with this. You need to stand up to him, it seems like you have the fire in your belly to give you the strength to do this.

Don't make yourself look bad by getting angry, just keep cool. Say something like 'oh, seriously, you need to get some help to get over what ever problem you have with me. it's not usual for some one to be so upset after all this time'. Make it seem like you're concerned about it.

Explain to your friends what happened. If they don't know the full story then you can't be annoyed with them.

LegacyUser

This is just an idea, and it's a bit of an extreme one, but I know from my own point of view, I have absolutely no time for mind games or bullying, which is exactly what this pathetic person is doing to you. It's really, really stressful, and why should you be the one to suffer when he's the one being a pr**k? You cant relax, or be yourself, you have to be on guard waiting for his next attack.
What would it be like to expose him in front of all of your friends? Or to just be completely honest about the situation when you are all out together, it doesn't have to be particularly nasty, just honest. If he were to offer you a drink, say no thank you, I dont know why you would want to offer me a drink when you've gone out of your way to bad-mouth me behind my friends, turn to your friends at the table and just say to them, "While you're all here, I just want to clarify that since I turned down So-And-So last year, he has gone out of his way to make my life difficult and blacken my name, I am tired of having to cover for his behaviour and put up with his bullying so I'm just putting it out there, I don't want to have to put up with it in silence anymore".
You could word it better and be more specific, but just be very honest, no need for nastiness. Bullies thrive on secrecy, and this guy should be exposed. Take back your power!
If that's not appealing maybe you could just contact all of your friends, send an email or whatever, tell them everything and how he's manipulating the situation.