Other half being bullied in Adult Education

Ballfro

Hi all,
I would appreciate some advice if you can please.
My fiancé is 37 and went back to education in September,it is a female dominated career he is getting in to and he will be with this particular group until May. There is one woman who is making his life hell. She is older but seems to have taken a dislike to him. She makes horrible comments to him, has spread lies etc he is a very chatty, outgoing person but behind it all wants to be liked and has tried to build some sort of relationship with her but she was nasty to him.
He was in tears last night and he is not someone who cries easily. I told him to speak to their tutor as it is a relatively small class but he is reluctant to do so as he says tutor likes this woman. She can be sweet when she needs to be. There is one other guy on the course and he has noticed how she treats him. He is starting to doubt himself and his ability now. It was a big decision to leave a job and go back to school and we have sacrificed a lot. I am worried and angry that an adult is doing this. I am a teacher in an all boys school and we rarely deal with this thank god.
I still think he should speak to tutor. Can anyone help please?
Thank you

xzanti

It's unfortunate that there are actually grown adults who behave like this..

In my experience, the only way to deal with someone like this is to take the bull by the horns and just confront her when they are alone.. when she doesn't have an audience. Talk to her one on one and just simply ask her what the issue is.. He'll more than likely find she changes her tune fairly quickly.

Best of luck to him, I hope he gets to the bottom of it.

Merkin

I'm afraid bullying goes on in all walks of life and the more insidious it is, the more harmful it can be. It must be very upsetting for you to see this happen.

I agree with Xzanti, I think he needs to take the bull by the horns because until the weapon is actually taken to task about it or been revealed as nasty then she will simply continue with it. I'd be having a word and asking her exactly what her problem is - bullies when confronted usually back down fairly swiftly. She sounds VILE incidentally.

LegacyUser

xzanti wrote: »

It's unfortunate that there are actually grown adults who behave like this..

In my experience, the only way to deal with someone like this is to take the bull by the horns and just confront her when they are alone.. when she doesn't have an audience. Talk to her one on one and just simply ask her what the issue is.. He'll more than likely find she changes her tune fairly quickly.

Best of luck to him, I hope he gets to the bottom of it.

I wouldn't do this, if he confronts her on his own, you don't know what version of events she'll come up with or how she'll twist things. OP next time she makes a smart remark, just say sorry what was that or I didn't hear your. Do this often enough and she'll soon fee stupid having to repeat her ridiculous remarks. Especially if she tries to say them on the QT. If it continues i'd go over the tutors head and see someone more senior. This isn't a simple issue of groups not collaborating. It is bullying and should not be tolerated. Tell your husband to keep his chin up, he's a million times better than this nasty piece of work(had to censor what I really want to say, i'm utterly disgusted by this).

Dixie Chick

He needs to talk to the tutor, whether or not she is fond of the bully. It needs to be noted by the tutor and the tutor needs to pass this onto whoever higher up it needs to be. She needs to be shocked out of her carry on.

Ballfro

Thanks for your advice guys. He did actually try talk to her before and she just said to him that she would love to hit him, seriously. She is vile so confronting her again is pointless. If she doesn't like him who cares but to make a point of it is awful. He was out Monday and yesterday when he went back a few said they missed him in class and it was boring without him, she just said out loud "Oh I didn't miss you pity you came back" which is why I think talking to tutor is only option. I feel like confronting her myself.

Ballfro

Thanks for your advice guys. He did actually try talk to her before and she just said to him that she would love to hit him, seriously. She is vile so confronting her again is pointless. If she doesn't like him who cares but to make a point of it is awful. He was out Monday and yesterday when he went back a few said they missed him in class and it was boring without him, she just said out loud "Oh I didn't miss you pity you came back" which is why I think talking to tutor is only option. I feel like confronting her myself.

ivytwine

If she makes remarks while he is in the room and other people are present, I would advise him to calmly and quietly ask her to repeat it. Using phrases such as,

"Sorry, X, didn't hear that, can you repeat it."

"I didn't find that very funny actually X."

"Do you have some kind of problem with me/this X?"

I predict she will wither in the face of confrontation. She's a coward, like all bullies.

I'd also advise him to keep a diary or a track on his phone etc of the comments and incidents and if it escalates further to carry it onto the authorities in the college.

It's terrible that this sad old witch has spoiled this experience for him. Best of luck to him and you sound like a great supportive partner

xzanti

Ballfro wrote: »

He did actually try talk to her before and she just said to him that she would love to hit him, seriously.

WTF

She sounds like she might have some sort of mental health issue if that's the case.

Yeah, get him to talk to the Tutor.. has this tutor not picked up on this woman's carry on already? That's unreal!!

blatantrereg

I think it would be bad advice to confront her while alone again. It would be easy for her to claim that he was being physically intimidating afterwards, and she sounds like someone who wouldn't shy from such a thing. Confronting her about it in front of a number of other people would be a better idea.

I'm a college lecturer, which gives me a good idea of how the college might handle it. The tutor ought to be aware of it already and be addressing it already. Emailing them about it, and being ready to follow it up with an email to their superior if they don't address it satisfactorily would be a good idea. I would suggest emails rather than talking in person as that provides a paper trail if he does need to escalate things.

The college will only be likely to address behaviour inside the class itself. If it is occurring at lunch or similar times I would suggest he simply spends his time somewhere else.

ivytwine

Ballfro wrote: »

Thanks for your advice guys. He did actually try talk to her before and she just said to him that she would love to hit him, seriously. She is vile so confronting her again is pointless. If she doesn't like him who cares but to make a point of it is awful. He was out Monday and yesterday when he went back a few said they missed him in class and it was boring without him, she just said out loud "Oh I didn't miss you pity you came back" which is why I think talking to tutor is only option. I feel like confronting her myself.

Didn't spot this sorry Ballfro. God what a weapon. Definitely time to take it further. I'm sure the others in the class have spotted it too.

And second the advice about not being alone with her, who knows what she'd twist that to.

And I can imagine you probably feel like effing her out of it, but I'd stay away. Probably make things worse for him, she'd seize on a woman (I presume) defending him with unabashed glee.

xzanti

blatantrereg wrote: »

I think it would be a bad advice to confront her while alone again. It would be easy for her to claim that he was being physically intimidating afterwards,

That's a good point

Ballfro

Thank you all. Yeah firstly I will get him to write it all down and contact tutor. Enough is enough, he was bullied when he was in school but won't let it happen again.

xzanti

Ballfro wrote: »

he was bullied when he was in school but won't let it happen again.

That's dreadful!

It might be worth reminding him, incase he needs it.. that this is about HER problem, not him.. he has done nothing to deserve this.

The problem belongs to that woman.

Best of luck!

username123

Keep a note of all incidents.

It is worth noting here that this woman is actually verbally threatening him by saying she would love to hit him. The college should not be standing for this.

Your partner should not be put in a position that he is in tears of an evening with you. I understand you would like to intervene but unless he deals with it himself she will probably only continue to bully him.

Generally speaking bullies back down when their victim escalates. So on comments like "pity you are back", escalating it loudly to "I do not like the way you are addressing me, your behaviour is inappropriate, please do not speak to me again unless you can keep a civil tongue in your head" may be enough.

Personally Id probably have told her what a disgusting vile toe-rag she is by now, in front of the class, but your partner may not be someone who is up for that level of confrontation.

Anyway, formal complaint to the college should go a long way to resolving it. Ask the tutor what the colleges official position is on bullying and the procedure for a student to make a complaint on being bullied and institute a formal complaints process from there. The college likely has a HR dept who you would deal with, but speak to the tutor first as its possible the tutor might resolve it without escalating all the way up through a formal complaints process, although given this weapons behaviour Id personally take it as far as I could.

Boskowski

Tell your husband to grow a pair of balls ffs. What is this, kindergarten?

Merkin

Boskowski wrote: »

Tell your husband to grow a pair of balls ffs. What is this, kindergarten?

I think that's wholly insensitive and very unhelpful. The type of bullying that this man is experiencing is insidious and subtle and consequently will effect him greatly. That, coupled with the fact that he was bullied at school will doubtless bring back some unhappy memories and thought processes for the poor guy.

Telling him to grow a pair of balls is ridiculous. Like telling someone with depression to get the fcuk over it.....:rolleyes:

Ballfro

Boskowski wrote: »

Tell your husband to grow a pair of balls ffs. What is this, kindergarten?

Keep your vile comments to yourself you have no idea what you are talking about and as a matter of fact you remind me of the bully in question with your disgusting comments.

Thank you again to everyone else. Your comments have truly helped.

username123

Ballfro wrote: »

Keep your vile comments to yourself you have no idea what you are talking about and as a matter of fact you remind me of the bully in question with your disgusting comments.

Thank you again to everyone else. Your comments have truly helped.

Ballfro - the bit above I bolded is an excellent response your husband could use to this woman also.

Zhane

Boskowski wrote: »

Tell your husband to grow a pair of balls ffs. What is this, kindergarten?

You've obviously never been bullied!

aaakev

Boskowski wrote: »

Tell your husband to grow a pair of balls ffs. What is this, kindergarten?

I was going to report your post but i decided id take what ever punishment the mods saw fit and reply.

Your an insensitive prick, iv seen what this kind of bullying can do to someone and its not nice. I hope your kids bever have to go through it if they have you for support. So again, insensitive prick. Grow brain ffs

Op hope it works out well for your other half. Nost if the time telling someone in charge makes all the difference and can take alot of the pressure off. Good luck

Boskowski infracted, do not post in this thread again please

Everyone else, let's move on and back to the OP please

Big Bag of Chips

If he has a log of things she has said, dates etc, I would encourage him to email the tutor, and Cc the course leader.

That way, he is letting both of them know,and giving the tutor a chance to deal with it. If he thinks she won't do anything because she likes the other woman, then having the course leader cc'd will mean she has to address it somehow.

It might be difficult for him to make a complaint to the tutor, and then have to go above her head to make a further complaint that she didn't deal with it. Emailing both of them at the same time would cut out the chance of that.

In the complaint stress how her behaviour makes him feel, so that it can't be brushed aside. If he just lists the things she says or does, it could be made out to be "not that bad", or "she probably didn't mean it that way". Whereas if he says he behaviour towards him is making him very uncomfortable and affecting his participation on the course, then they need to address that.

Try keep the email short(ish). Just give facts and details and don't get emotional.

I hope he can get it sorted.

Wanderer2010

Boskowski wrote: »

Tell your husband to grow a pair of balls ffs. What is this, kindergarten?

Would you tell a woman being bullied by a man the same thing? Obviously not to grow balls but would you be as harsh? Bullying is bullying full stop.

Cuddlesworth

If its HR he is trying to get into, then he is getting a great intro into what its like in large company's. I'd keep that in mind because he will have another 20 years of it.

For the issue itself, he should continue to be warm and friendly to everybody else and try to not let it get to him. If she is the one who creates a hostile environment when she enters a room/conversation with your husband there, people will begin to dislike her.

Ballfro

Not HR, it is Healthcare. Have shown him this thread. Amazing the difference some support can make. Thank you.

convert

Your husband needs to keep a record, from now on, of dates, times, location and comments made by this individual so that he can show what's been going on, if it comes to that. He would also be advised to make a note of everything that's happened thus far, with specifics as far as is possible to recollect.

He should chat with the tutor as a first port of call, and their reaction will be the indicator of where to go after that. Definitely do not approach the bully in private again as who knows what she'd say about him, as mentioned already. Having things in writing would obviously be preferable for the reasons outlined by blatantrereg.

Does the institution where your husband is studying have a 'go to' person, such as a chaplaincy, etc., with whom he could discuss his problems relatively informally before making a decision as to where he should go after that?

ice cream castles

OP I've been where your partner is too (actually I'm still there but getting a whole lot better at handling it). I don't bother rising to my bully anymore but she keeps pushing whatever her issue of the day is into the public arena. I now simply reply 'thanks for your feedback, I'll take it into account'. It stops her dead in her tracks! However, my bully is tenacious, and has a new issue every effing day but she cannot ever say I was rude to her (it's amazing how many bullies are the first to run to management!). I, on the other hand (and I recommend your OH does too) promptly file all unfounded complaints in the bin - it's hard the first few times but it does get easier! Best wishes to you both

Aseth

OP you never mentioned what is the reaction of other people from your husbands class.
Did they ever witness the remarks or is the woman addressing him while alone and noone can hear? You mentioned she once made a loud remark but is it a regular occurance? Do other people stand for your husband, try to offer support or is he on his own? Is he the only one being bullied? Do all people in the class like her enough to let her make such remarks without a comment? Or are they afraid she will then start bullying them?
If your husband had witnesses and if people noticed her behaviour it might be easier to rise a case against her. Also if they are witnessing this kind of behaviour Im surprised nobody is trying to shame her for her actions.

Boombastic

a bully, who threatens violence is training in healthcare? For the benefit of any future patients she may come in to contact with, and your partners mental health, your partner needs to report her and her vile actions

Ballfro

Yeah other people have heard her. From the sounds of her she is just in a bad mood all the time and has something to complain about every day. Just sounds wicked to me and se ems to intimidate people. She is one of these people that likes to think she is straight talking but in fact she's just rude. They are out on work experience til Tuesday so he is talking to tutor then.