Feeling down

stargazer 68

I have been with my partner for almost 2 years. He was diagnosed with depression 5 years ago and was on medication for a while but no longer is.

However he has these phases of, as he puts it, 'feeling down' and not knowing the reason for it. We were out on Sunday and had a lovely day, he couldnt sleep Sunday night (not unusual) and was just on a downer all day yesterday and still is today. He doesn't know why -says he isn't worried about anything. He is the type, however, to worry about things - especially things he has no control over, what might happen and what might not happen, what if this happens etc etc.

The problem is I just don't get this worrying about stuff that you can't do anything about. Its just not in my nature and I don't really know what to say to him at these times.

We are supposed to be going away for the weekend and, at the moment, I really don't want to go. I don't want to spend the weekend away worrying if I say something he will take it the wrong way.

I know he has a lot on his plate with work, separation etc but sometimes ...!!

seanie_c

Are you sure he doesn't want to talk to you about whatever is bothering him?
Is he seeing a health counselor at the moment? Sometimes meetup groups on depression can help people that don't want to talk about it. Also, some of the things that make him depressed could be related to lifestyle choices such as consumption of alcohol or other drugs.

stargazer 68

seanie_c wrote: »

Are you sure he doesn't want to talk to you about whatever is bothering him?
Is he seeing a health counselor at the moment? Sometimes meetup groups on depression can help people that don't want to talk about it. Also, some of the things that make him depressed could be related to lifestyle choices such as consumption of alcohol or other drugs.

He does talk to me about a lot of stuff - but I guess there are some things he wants to keep to himself. No he isnt seeing anyone. He doesn't drink and has never taken drugs. Just given up the ciggies too!

Dovies

Dovies wrote: »

He does talk to me about a lot of stuff - but I guess there are some things he wants to keep to himself. No he isnt seeing anyone. He doesn't drink and has never taken drugs. Just given up the ciggies too!

How long ago has he given up smoking? Could this be the crux of it? I've never smoked, but I'd wonder what the withdrawal would do to someone who already has a disposition to depression/feeling down.

I think everyone gets their down days, where they cannot account for the reason but it just is. Sometimes there genuinely would not be, especially if he has been diagnosed as depressed. I know it's difficult, but you really should try not to take it to heart. It probably isn't anything you could say or do, but that it just happens.

Don't cancel your weekend away, go for it and see what happens.

stargazer 68

Only recently gave up smoking so I don't think that's it. Bright and cheery this morning so I think the stage has passed. I do kind of take it to heart sometimes even though I know its nothing that I have done.

Heading off tomorrow on our weekend as planned so see how long the cheeriness lasts this time.

Merkin

Go easy on him. Depression by its very nature can strike at any time. You mention that he says that there is nothing that should be making him feel this way but depression often strikes when you've your life sorted and are feeling top of the world. Quitting smoking is also enormously stressful as you're detoxing and it's a big psychological battle as well. Maybe ask him to keep a diary of his moods over the next couple of weeks just in case he is falling into depression again - hopefully then at least he can seek help and treatment sooner rather than just letting it linger and getting worse.

K_P

Dovies wrote: »

I have been with my partner for almost 2 years. He was diagnosed with depression 5 years ago and was on medication for a while but no longer is.

However he has these phases of, as he puts it, 'feeling down' and not knowing the reason for it.

You state he has depression however he has phases of feeling down for no reason. Really what would make more sense is he has depression therefore he has phases of feeling down for no reason. That's what depression is.

I'm not trying to be smart in saying that, but your partner has depression, or at least is prone to depressive periods and therefore he's likely to experience periods like this throughout his life. There's nothing you can say that will talk him out of him feeling like this, you might as well try and talk someone out of a broken leg.

What you can do is be supportive and above all be patient. Let him know he can talk to you if he wants to, or that not talking is fine too, let him know that you're there for him. You shouldn't take it personally as it's nothing you've done or said that's caused him to feel this way.

If these are just minor short episoes then maybe it's just a normal thing, but if he seems to be getting worse or is in a prolonged period of depression, encourage him to see his doctor.

I hope the mods don't mind this, but just want to link some stuff that might be useful reading for the OP and perhaps give them an insight - mental illness is extremely hard to understand, if you've never encountered it first hand.

First off is DeV's excellent post over in After Hours, which can be found here.

In it, he makes this absolutely excellent point -

Depression is not sadness.
One of the biggest misunderstandings about depression is that its like being really sad. It's not. It's like being *nothing*. Not sad, not happy, nothing. No joy, no sorrow. Flat line. Sure it can be triggered, exacerbated or deepened by bad, sad news... But the feeling is not one of sadness, it's more a flat feeling of inertia.
To give you an idea, there was a day, not years ago, I got up and made myself a coffee and discovered I had no milk and thought: Why do I even bother, the world is ****ed and I can't fix it and went back to bed for the rest of the day. Two days later I couldn't figure out why someone had left a cup of black coffee go cold in my kitchen...

Next take a look at these - they're comics that essentially capture what depression feels like for a person.

The point I'm trying to make is that if he is depressed, then he is going to feel down from time to time. It might not be anything. It might be everything. It might be one specific thing or a culmination of things. It just happens. I know it is difficult, but try not to let it get to you too much.

And as K_P has said, if he seems to be having longer periods of downness, then have him go back to his doctor.

LegacyUser

Dovies wrote: »

I have been with my partner for almost 2 years. He was diagnosed with depression 5 years ago and was on medication for a while but no longer is.

However he has these phases of, as he puts it, 'feeling down' and not knowing the reason for it. We were out on Sunday and had a lovely day, he couldnt sleep Sunday night (not unusual) and was just on a downer all day yesterday and still is today. He doesn't know why -says he isn't worried about anything. He is the type, however, to worry about things - especially things he has no control over, what might happen and what might not happen, what if this happens etc etc.

The problem is I just don't get this worrying about stuff that you can't do anything about. Its just not in my nature and I don't really know what to say to him at these times.

We are supposed to be going away for the weekend and, at the moment, I really don't want to go. I don't want to spend the weekend away worrying if I say something he will take it the wrong way.

I know he has a lot on his plate with work, separation etc but sometimes ...!!

You say he's not seeing anybody, i.e. a therapist but really he should be. Its his job to overcome his depression but from what you said he doesnt seem to be taking the steps to do so. I've been in your position and honestly Your best bet is to get out of there because he wont get the help he needs so long as he has you as a crutch. You gotta look at the effect this is having on your life, I mean to say that you really dont want to go away for the weekend with him says it all. You should be looking forward to something like that, lifes too short to spend it with people who bring you down or whos company you dread sharing. You have a right to be happy and spend it with happy people whos company nourishes you and makes you feel good.