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Trouble with teen at home...HELP

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  • 17-11-2013 8:13pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Going un-req for this but looking for some advice, basically my 13yr old has been a total handful for his mom and step dad

    * skipping classes
    * No homework done
    * Notes home
    * Refusing to do simple chores at home
    * Shows a lot of anger towards his mam and step dad, swearing at them etc

    So last week she had enough and asked me to take him for a couple of weeks and I had no issue doing this, in the mean time he was seeing CAMHS as we were worried he might have depression or ADHD but they have told us that he is showing no signs of this during their meetings..

    For the week I had him he was angelic, did all his homework, no notes home went to school, helped out loads at home etc ( I previously had him 2/3 days a week and he was always the same at mine )..So he was due to go home for the weekend.

    Then it kicks off again at 11.30pm last night his mam asked him to go to bed but he wanted his phone to text friend , she refused as said it was too late but as she tried to walk out the door he stood in front of her and refused to move until he gave him his phone, step dad grabbed his arm away from door, son pushes him , step dad pushes back and brings him to the floor, son then started to punch and kick out at him...

    I get a phone call at 2am explaining what happened and come collect him, so I did..

    then this morning mam text me saying they are going to the gards to get him charged with assault on his step dad..

    So my questions

    * Since I never have any issue with him and he is good for me is it time to look for custody
    * If they do contact guards I believe this will only make the sitution worst as he will turn on them more
    * finally and I am not condoing what he done but surely the guards are not going to take much notice and even if they did would it not look worse on the step dad and mom that they can't handle him with resorting to this ( I am actually considering charging the step dad with assault )


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    #2
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Ok its the day after the night before

    His mom and step dad reported him to the guards and made a statement, himself and step dad got a caution for assault and a report was sent to HSE...

    So now myself and his mom has decided it is best if he stays with me full time ( except weekends ), I now have to wait for the HSE to contact me and I presume they will call to the house to make sure it is fit and proper for him...

    The whole episode has really upset me ( he does not to seem too bothered ), I'm at my withs ends but decided best thing to do is make things as normal as possible for him and lay down the ground rules while he is under my roof and hope things improve

    Oh how I wish he was a toddler again


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    #3
    silly
    Registered Users Posts: 1,722 ✭✭✭silly


    If he is happier staying with you then maybe thats what needs to be done? Will his mother allow this? I would seriously consider this.

    Calling the guards might be a good idea - but not for pressing charges - having a guard call out for a chat might give him a little fright - where he might think twice about his actions - but it also might have the opposite affect - calling the guards on her son might drive him futher away from her, she might regret her decision.
    He sounds like he is not happy at home with Mother and Stepdad - he might feel left out?


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    #4
    RubyGirl
    Registered Users Posts: 1,275 ✭✭✭RubyGirl


    Is his step-dad on the scene long, is there any other kids involved. DId you look into bullying in school, were ye called into meeting in school. Something has had to set him off, and if he is happier with you them maybe that's where he should be, but what happens when you start telling him what to do, his homework, bed, phone call's etc will he want to go back to Mom's?

    You need to sit him down and talk to him, there is something wrong. Best of luck.


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    #5
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    RubyGirl wrote: »
    Is his step-dad on the scene long, is there any other kids involved. DId you look into bullying in school, were ye called into meeting in school. Something has had to set him off, and if he is happier with you them maybe that's where he should be, but what happens when you start telling him what to do, his homework, bed, phone call's etc will he want to go back to Mom's?

    You need to sit him down and talk to him, there is something wrong. Best of luck.

    His step dad is on the scene about 7 years , he was bullied very badly in first year but things much better this year ( although he hates school ).

    He has been great for me in regards school , bed time , chores etc

    He also has a sister from myself an ex marriage , a brother from stepdad and brother from myself and fiancée relationship , I proper Brady bunch lol


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    #6
    silly
    Registered Users Posts: 1,722 ✭✭✭silly


    ConfusedDad wrote: »

    He also has a sister from myself an ex marriage , a brother from stepdad and brother from myself and fiancée relationship , I proper Brady bunch lol

    Reading this it makes it quite obvious that this boy needs attention. He needs one on one time with mom and the same with you. Go to a match/Cinema whatever he is interested in and so this regulary. He obviously feels left out with all the other siblings that are arriving.


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    #7
    SEPT 23 1989
    Registered Users Posts: 43,028 ✭✭✭✭SEPT 23 1989


    Your boy wants to stay with you the violence with the step father is only going to get worse,get him out of there


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    #8
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    SEPT 23 1989 wrote: »
    Your boy wants to stay with you the violence with the step father is only going to get worse,get him out of there

    This is my worry that it will only get worst or even best case scenario not get any better, his mom and step dad are happy enough to leave him with me at the moment ( his mom said he should stay with me from now on ), I do worry they will have a change of heart in the weeks to come as at this stage I believe the best place for him is with me but I would hate to go down legal route as that is very messy ( I will if I have to though )

    Going to give it a couple of weeks and speak to his mom about getting his childrens allowance, I know it sounds awful but at the moment he is eating me out of house and home ( growing lad and all that )


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    #9
    jellyboy
    Closed Accounts Posts: 615 ✭✭✭jellyboy


    hi op
    When male(and to a lesser degree female) teenagers reach a certain age they rebel against the boundaries and if in a family where the mother is the lead parent they begin to try and dominate ,control and be the "Man" of the house ,

    Think of a young lion cub trying to usurp the head lion of the pride
    Now is the time for you to step in and guide him throughout the first and most difficult steps to manhood
    when it kicks off again at 11.30pm last night his mam asked him to go to bed but he wanted his phone to text friend , she refused as said it was too late but as she tried to walk out the door he stood in front of her and refused to move until he gave him his phone, step dad grabbed his arm away from door, son pushes him , step dad pushes back and brings him to the floor, son then started to punch and kick out at him…
    I get a phone call at 2am explaining what happened and come collect him, so I did..
    This op is assault on your son and should be treated as such ,no matter how much he is kicking off ,the adult should show more restraint

    When he is on the ground kicking and punching out, my feeling is that its years of pent up resentment and huge protection of his mother etc etc and a very frightened 13 year old boy against a grown man

    he needs to hear/see that children shouldn't be assaulted by adults and that other family members will protect him without resorting to violence to do so

    Hse would/should ask the question how safe are the other children
    indeed a family law judge would ask the question
    then this morning mam text me saying they are going to the gards to get him charged with assault on his step dad.
    When i read this i really felt for the situation ,this reads as his mother has picked the stepfather over him ,all he wants is not to have to choose ..but she has done it for him ..

    the stepfather should be charged with assault of a minor,this is very very shaky ground for your ex partner to be going down ,esp if theres young kids in the house

    for you ,it must be a very very tough place to be ,trying to be everything to everybody ..but i would say your actions in coming to get him at 2am speaks volumes to him and lets him know ,no matter what he has a daddy

    (and a mammy who has made a choice not to be there for him)

    i would get as many beautiful kind female role models and engage him with the positive feminine to give balance to what he must be experiencing ..
    Ask the school, do they have counseling resources?


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