shyness causing trouble in new job

LegacyUser

I just got started a new job a couple months ago and it's the first proper job I've had that's related to my degree and could be really great for me. There's one big problem though. I'm quite shy in certain situations. Generally meeting new people is no problem but meeting new people that are in groups really shakes me for some reason. When there's a collection of people to get to know I just find myself closing off. I try to escape situations where I'll be conversing with them which leads to me not really getting to know anyone properly and therefore making it harder for myself in the long run. I know I'm doing it but it's just an automatic reaction. Literally seconds after I've pulled a move to get out of a room quicker than I need to I'll be berating myself like "what are you doing, why did you just do that?!". I'm trying really hard to change but I've been like this for years and it only seems to be getting worse.

In the new job it's been really bad because being a serious work environment there's just a lot more pressure than what I'd be used to in casual jobs and college. I have this fear of not being liked or making a fool out of myself somehow.... to be honest I'm not even sure what it is... but it's making it so hard for me to fit in and do a decent job (the work itself by the way has a lot to do with meeting people and dealing with people). And there's no reason for this to be so hard - everyone I've met has been lovely and friendly and welcoming. It's me whose just this closed off weirdo. I've been accused of being standoffish in the past and it doesn't come from any kind of rudeness or aggression, it is literally just me being scared scenceless and being completely out of my comfort zone to the point that I lose all sense of the way I'm coming across to people.

Sometimes I'll even be giving myself a little mental pat on the back for what I think is handling a social situation way better than how I thought I would. Thinking "good job, you're doing grand" only to have a co-worker say something like "are you ok, you seem to struggling". It's like I've no control. What I would consider a job well done in a social situation will still come across as seriously lacking to someone whose no issue with that kind of thing.

Sorry for the rant, I'm just at a loss. I feel like I'm really feckin up my chances with this company and position. My manager told me today that I really need to stop being so distant but him telling me that makes it no easier. If I could do something to make myself more approachable then believe me I'd do it!!

Any advice?

R.D. aka MR.D

My face naturally sits in a frown and if im not careful people will ask me whats wrong when im perfectly fine. I just started to make a huge effort to smile, not a big grin or anything but just a gentle smile and it makes me much more approachable.

Do you see any areas that you are going wrong? Why do you think your maager said that? Is it because you are quiet and not engaging with others or is it because you've been rude to others when you didnt mean to be.
Do you work in a team or just in an office where every one interacts?

December2012

Given that your employment relies on this, would you consider going and talking to a therapist who can help you develop tools and strategies for different social situations? If you have underlying anxiety (if not about your shyness then about the effect the shyness has on your personal life), talking about it may help.

P. Breathnach

You recognise that you have a problem and acknowledge that you have some responsibility for dealing with it.

As a first step, I suggest that you speak to your manager (who has already put the matter on the agenda) and explain that you need time to get used to people and become comfortable with them - that it's simply an aspect of your personality.

Obviously you can't simply change your ways; if you could, you would already have done so. But it might help a bit if you changed your interface with your colleagues. Little things like having a mascot on your desk might soften your image, or possibly you might use internal email in a constructive way, sending little notes of thanks or giving positive feedback. Don't change too much or too fast: it might look forced or odd.

sadie9

I would suggest going to see a qualified cognitive behaviour (CBT) therapist if you can afford it. I think you would find that a great help.
If people really knew how you felt inside they would be more than sympathetic. They would commend you for your bravery thus far!

Matteroffact

I think that the more you mix with people the easier it will get, instead of shying away from people. What you perceive now as being embarrassing and difficult will eventually ease out. As R.D. said above, keep a smile on your face, and stop dwelling on how you are coming across. Try having a genuine interest in other people and you will think less about yourself.