I can't justify my feelings.

LegacyUser

Hey everyone,

as I write this I feel like breaking into tears and I dont know whats wrong with me. I was with a man who treated me like an option for years. He came and went when he pleased, would tell me he had feelings for me and the next day dash it as if it never happened. I was foolish enough to stay, thats my flaw and I have to take responsbility for it. we were never going out, he would always have excuses, I could go on and on and describe how unfair he was. But there is no point. its done I know that.

Fast forward after many arguments mostly about why he doesnt want anything proper with me, and loads of make ups and the same again, we finally cut contact. we arent on speaking terms, it ended badly. But I discovered a month later, he was now seeing someone properly, its now almost a year in and they are still together, he treats to her everything, nights out, met his friends, made it public. these things by the way dont matter that much to me, I guess its just the fact that he never saw me that way, that is breaking me so much. I just feel so hurt and I know its not justified, I know he is entitled to be with who he wants, but I just feel so sad right now about it. I cant describe it. please give me some advice. I wasnt a bad person, he was very messed up at the time we were sort of together, and I was there for him, and I feel so empty now. I think if he even had just ended it there and then when he knew and he did know how I felt for him, but instead he just kept it going. Im not saying by the way that I had no choice, I did, but I really fell for him and thats why I severed contact in the end because after years and years of pain I knew it would never change not for me.

LegacyUser

I'm not sure what advice you're looking for o.p. You did the right thing by cutting contact with this awful guy. You know you made a mistake but there is no point beating yourself up over it. Busy yourself, go out and have fun with your friends. Time heals.

Stavro Mueller

You know, it's not surprising that you're devastated. You loved this man for years and now you're feeling lonely and rejected. You loved him so much that you were willing to accept crumbs from the table and clung to the hope that he'd somehow change his mind about you. I guess you thought that there was something you could say or do that would make him change his mind. It makes sense that you're going to be upset when you hear about this other woman who just floated into his life and became his girlfriend without having to work for it.

Naturally you're going to be lonely too. Regardless of how badly he treated you, he did tick the box marked "boyfriend" in your mind. He was the one who took up that space in your mind and meant that you weren't in a position to meet someone else. Maybe now that the door has well and truly closed on this chapter, you can move on with your own life. It's sad of course that you gave so many years of your life to this man but you can't change a thing about that. You can do something about your future though - hopefully you will go on to meet a man who appreciates you for the woman you are.

dellas1979

sosadrightnow wrote: »

I think if he even had just ended it there and then when he knew and he did know how I felt for him, but instead he just kept it going

Yes, he knew, but he didnt care enough (for whatever his reasons).

This is where the responsibility on your part comes in (looking after yourself). If a guy is not treating you the way you want or hes not giving what you need, you need to walk away, and not hang on.

Of course he was stringing you along, but you allowed it. Its like the expression "having your cake and eating it". Its about respecting yourself and saying "hey, no more cake for you". Dont leave it up to the other person to stop eating it. People are people and mostly only looking after themselves.

You need to figure out why you didnt pull back, when all the signs were there that it was going no where.

The bottom line is that he didnt want you as a girlfriend. And thats ok. Its how you learn to handle a potential situation like this again.

kiva989

Aw OP I really feel for you. I went through a situation similar to what you've described and its horrible feeling you're not good enough. I know people always say "noone can make you feel anything" and "its up to you to put yourself first" but that is often easier said than done.

When I was 18 when I met this guy and I was mad about him. I hate to admit now but I always knew he wasn't into me the same way however in my head, I let him fill the "boyfriend" position in my life - despite the fact he would never make it official, we never went on dates, never met each others families or friends (I dont think they even knew I existed!) Basically I was easy sex for him.

I tried so many times to break it off with him cause deep down I knew it wasn't healthy however he would always come running back at that stage saying he'd changed etc etc except he never did. This went on for years! Looking back I wish I'd been stronger to just end it and keep it ended but fact is, I wasn't strong enough. Getting over him was a long slow process but in the end i got there as will you. When I was with him, I always wondered what it was about me that made him not want a relationship with me. I figured I was missing some characteristic or quality that he wanted in a woman and this really upset me - I figured I was 'deficient' in some way.

That was a good couple of years ago. Thinking about him now actually gives me the creeps!! He was such an a**hole and there is no way I would ever let a guy treat me like that again. I cringe when I think about how I let him treat me. When I reflect on it now, I reason that is the journey I had to take to get to his place.

Maybe you could reflect on this relationship was something you will never allow yourself to go through again. Use it as a way of setting boundaries for how you want to be treated instead - for example, from now on you expect to go on a date to get know the other person - doesnt have to be fancy, a walk, a drink, a coffee, whatever. Just to try ascertain any future love interests are actually worthy of bieng with you.

dellas1979

kiva989 wrote: »

I know people always say "noone can make you feel anything" and "its up to you to put yourself first" but that is often easier said than done.

I disagree with you. Its not that hard at all. Just requires looking at things a little differently.

Its not someone elses job or responsibility to make you happy or content or put you first.

The sooner one realises that they are not responsible for other people's behaviour, only your own, the better. Its like a freedom.

You know the expression "with wisdom comes great responsibility", well maybe through this experience (the wisdom), she will learn (responsibility i.e., look after herself first)

kiva989

dellas1979 wrote: »

Its not someone elses job or responsibility to make you happy or content or put you first.

The sooner one realises that they are not responsible for other people's behaviour, only your own, the better. Its like a freedom.

Ultimately I agree with you. But I also think it is an easy thing to say to someone but it can be alot harder for them to put into action - especially when emotions are running high. When someone is heavily invested in something, it can be hard to see the wood from the trees.

Feelings cant be turned off and on like a switch. Feelings, emotions, mental health are all fragile items and to take full control of them is not something which can just be done over night. Especially if the OP has had a particular thought pattern for a sustained period of time. She will somehow have to train her mind and notice when negative thoughts arise and consciously alter them. If you don't actually know how to do this, it can be a difficult process.

dellas1979

Oh gosh no-feelings defo cant just be turned off, but I think there comes a point when the head has to over rule the heart.

LegacyUser

dellas1979 wrote: »

Oh gosh no-feelings defo cant just be turned off, but I think there comes a point when the head has to over rule the heart.

OP, here, yeah I should add I'm not witless or was someone who was easily led. I just felt very strongly for a guy and yeah I did say enough was enough, hence the breaking contact. I think it's just painful to see him treat someone so well. And to the poster who said believing he'd want me back. I have NEVER thought that way oddly enough, I am so glad not to be in his life anymore. it was too painful. But I wont lie and say it stings to see how good he is to this girl. It's like a slap in the face to be honest.

Stavro Mueller

I don't think anyone is saying you're witless. But....it did take years for you to pull the plug on this arrangement. If one of your friends had come to you and told you about a man who was behaving like this guy did, what would you have told her?

It's all the past now which is where it should be. While it's OK for you to luck your wounds and feel angry/jealous etc. don't fall into the trap of wallowing in it. There's nothing wrong with him not falling for you. We don't fancy everyone we meet and not everyone fancies us. He was wrong to have given you that false hope but equally you were wrong to have hung on like that for so long.

ivytwine

Hey OP I was in a similar situation myself for over 2 years. It was in all in my head essentially and I let myself be treated very badly, now I was no angel myself, plenty of attempted manipulation etc. Anyway, no longer speak to the guy concerned, it was a horrible toxic situation.

It will take a while to get through this and sometimes I still feel a bit miserable and embarrassed about what happened, but anyway. I'd advise giving yourself time. And maybe, if you're still connected with this guy via social media or whatever, cut all contact. That will help. If anyone starts talking about him change the subject as quickly as you decently can or else ask your friends not to mention him and his girlf.

Like I said, time will heal you but you will have to cut all contact-whether real or imagined- from him. You've already given him too much of yourself, now take it back.

dellas1979

Why her and not you?

M'dear, you'll never get answers to that question.

Just because you had strong feelings for someone doesnt automatically mean they will reciprocate the same feelings. And hanging on wont change that! You are proof of the pudding. And I hope youll learn a valuable lesson in who you give your heart away to.

Your self-esteem doesnt seem very good (after years of giving pieces of it away to him), so maybe that is something you could focus on? Why did you feel the need to hang on for so long.