Wife is depressed and wants to give up

LegacyUser

OK, so my wife is Brazilian. She moved here for me. This was just under 2 years ago. Earlier this year I proposed to her, and we got married just 2 and a half months ago. She is depressed. She is tired of fighting. She wants to give up. On everything. This country... Our marriage... Life. She hates it here. From the over-protective/over-bearing nature of the Irish mammy to the nations obsession with alcohol and all things shallow. We are currently sharing a house, with no car and one paycheck. Also she lost everything. She lost her family, friends, career, culture, her goals, her dreams.
And she blames me for it. I have done everything i could think of to protect her, but she says that's not enough. I know I did my best, but I honestly don't know if she expects too much, or if I'm not good enough for her. I know we have a future together. We love each other. We have dreamed of our house, with our kids and a couple of dogs. And I know we can have it. But she can't see it. She's given up.
I love her so much. I can't stand to see her in pain, but I can't let her go knowing we can have the future we dreamed of. Knowing I can give her something good. Please help me. I don't know what to do.

Typer Monkey

Is there any reason why you can't move back to Brazil with her? She might be better able to deal with her depression on home turf. Of course she may be just as depressed there and this 'I hate Ireland' thing may morph into something else. As the saying goes 'wherever you go you take yourself with you'.

Is she diagnosed as clinically depressed or is just unhappy?

MissFlitworth

Presumably the 'overbearing Irish Mammy' bit means that she finds your own Ma to be a bit overbearing? Thats surely something you can help her out with? Whether that means moving a bit further away from her or just not allowing her to be completely overbearing?

The obsession with alcohol & all things shallow, that's down to the circle of people you surround yourself with. Yep, plenty of being obsessed with booze here and plenty of people who seem obsessed with rubbish but it isn't everyone here by a longshot. Also plenty of people obsessed with triathlons, rambling, charity work, crafts etc. etc. Your social circle is what you make of it. So if you and your wife are in a bad position with the people around you do something about it, take up a few different hobbies etc.

If your wife can't live here why don't you give Brazil a go?

ischia

You both need to make commitments and changes to make this work.. it depends if both of you want to?

There are many people in Ireland from Brazil. She should try reach out and meet more people from home and try and give it a real go before you try over there.

You don't want a situation where both people in love are not committed to learning how to live in each others countries. Its not as simple as it seems.

You need to help her find her way here.

Or Move...

If you love her enough

LegacyUser

anonymously wrote: »

OShe hates it here. From the over-protective/over-bearing nature of the Irish mammy to the nations obsession with alcohol and all things shallow.

When I was at my unhappiest, I blamed outward things for my unhappiness. IReland sucked, we were a shallow nation, the world was wrong etc etc etc I was constatnly annoyed at things and focusing on the negative.

Looking back, I was blaming things that i had no control over. The only way I could make myself happier was to start changing myself - not to accept things that were wrong but to focus on things that would make me feel better about things and to do things that made me happier within myself.

So I started hanging out with more like minded people, I accepted the good as well as the bad about living here, I took up a few hobbies, went back to study to improve my lot and with that, I developed into someone more positive.

There are loads of things to do here if one puts in a small bit of effort to find them. But your wife needs to be happier within before she can be open to seeing the good.

Legs.Eleven

balooogie wrote: »

When I was at my unhappiest, I blamed outward things for my unhappiness. IReland sucked, we were a shallow nation, the world was wrong etc etc etc I was constatnly annoyed at things and focusing on the negative.

Looking back, I was blaming things that i had no control over. The only way I could make myself happier was to start changing myself - not to accept things that were wrong but to focus on things that would make me feel better about things and to do things that made me happier within myself.

So I started hanging out with more like minded people, I accepted the good as well as the bad about living here, I took up a few hobbies, went back to study to improve my lot and with that, I developed into someone more positive.

There are loads of things to do here if one puts in a small bit of effort to find them. But your wife needs to be happier within before she can be open to seeing the good.

I absolutely agree. Usually unhappy people blame everything else without looking for the reason for their unhappiness. I was the very same about the place I currently live and only now in hindsight do I realise I simply wasn't very happy with myself at that time and my personal situation (man trouble at that time).

I find myself sometimes slipping into that bad habit and it's usually the times I am at my unhappiest with other stuff going on in my life (overworked, not enough sleep, money problems etc.). It's the easy way out instead of confronting your own problems or working on yourself in some way.

I'd suggest perhaps finding out if she is genuinely suffering from depression or if there's something else at the root of her moods (are you guys getting on okay, for example? Does she have good friends she can turn to and hang out with?). Ireland is not perfect but if you're in the right state of mind, you can find the positive in any situation.

Personally speaking, I look at where I'm living now with new eyes and things have improved hugely for me. Ireland is not hell on Earth and there's plenty there to like about the place.

LegacyUser

Some suggestions from another Brazilian girl:

1. Depression: is this unhappiness/depression of hers something recent or is going on for a while?

A lot of expats from tropical countries find the lack of light at this time of the year to be unbearable, and suffer from undiagnosed seasonal depression. I have been living in Ireland for 10 years and comes the changes in the clock in October and the short days and I just want to stay in bed and cry

If this is playing a role in her moods, tell her to look into forcing herself getting out of the house (no matter how cold it is ) and get any ray of sunshine she can.

And by all means, look into SAD (seasonal depression) lights (they have the same spectrum of sunlight) --> these lights have literally changed my life. I thought they were a scam when I bought them and now I couldn't live without them.

I also heard other expats (especially the ones living in Scandinavian countries) highly recommending vitamin D supplements. And exercise.

2. Giving up her dreams etc: this is a real issue with couples relocating to a new country when one of the spouses has to give up on their entire life. Resentment and depression are very common. As the others said, you could give it a go trying to live in Brazil. Or.. what are the chances that she could progress her career here?

Again giving you the perspective from expats living here, it is the worst feeling ever having your degree, years of experience working in a job you like, your language, friends, family etc and ending up in another country isolated from all this, with your identity taken away (you are now a "bloody foreigner with broken English") and working in a job that doesn't fulfill your aspirations.

So I would say in that sense, find a way for her to at least continue her career ambitions here. If working in her area is not possible, at least do a course that could help her advance her career, or learn a new language or skill, so she feels like she is getting somewhere.

Best of luck!

The Corinthian

anonymously wrote: »

OK, so my wife is Brazilian. She moved here for me. This was just under 2 years ago. Earlier this year I proposed to her, and we got married just 2 and a half months ago. She is depressed. She is tired of fighting. She wants to give up. On everything. This country... Our marriage...

So, she's in Ireland already for two years, but only decides to give up two and a half months after you finally tie the knot. You're being played.

Can't say if it's a case of she's been unhappy with Ireland for a long time and feels she can only push the issue now that she has a ring on the finger, or if she's wanted to break up for a while and was waiting until she could claim spousal maintenance first, but either way the timing screams at me that you're being played.

I'd try to confirm if it's Ireland or you that are ultimately the problem for her, before going further.