Don't know how to approach a Doctor (Two related issues)

Lord TSC

So, I've talked on boards.ie about my rotten relationship with my father before. Long story short, our relationship is not good, by any stretch of the imagination.

Last Friday though, he went to the doctor; he's got diabetes and doesn't take care of himself at all. There's other problems too. An enlarged thyroid. But he doesn't tell us anything about these issues. We tend to have to sneak peaks at what medication he's on and try and work out from there (we do this so that if anything ever happened, we aren't left shrugging our shoulders at people going "Don't have a clue what meds he is on). He pops a dozen tablets a day. He's been told to eat healthier, but has opted to stop eating what we prepare, often turning his nose up at salads to eat chinese takaways. He ignores advice to exercise, opting instead to sit watching TV for 90% of the day.

And being honest, he's a complete tyrant. That aspect of his character has existed for the 26 years I've been alive, and will be touched on below. But even taking on board how horrific he can be to us sometimes, there's elevations at the moment. He'll coming in, roaring abuse at everyone, making threats, blaming everyone for everything. He records my mother in the hopes he can use the tapes to blackmailer her via embarrassment to others, he's rung up other family members of ours and then hidden his phone, ranting to Mom, trying to get her in trouble with whoever is on the other end of the phone (but usually only making himself sound bad). He has zero relationships with anyone, because he's chased everyone away.

In text, some of that sounds like depression and desperation, but the truth is, knowing him better than anyone else, he's just a horrible person who needs psychiatric help. He's never missed a chance to blackmail people or missed a chance to turn your happiest day into your most miserable. Any important event in my life I can remember, he's put a taint on it. But then I'm also aware that there's days he's at his worst, and they always seem to be when he's run out of medicine, OR he's just been put on something new.

Last Friday (going back), he went to the Doctors and he came out, declaring he had told the Doc that I was a horrible liar and a thug, who wouldn't mind my own business. He said the doctor had told him he would ring me up, and would "put me in my place". Being honest, I was kind of thrilled, because I've wanted a dialogue with the doc about him for ages and hoped this would be an opening; that the doc would call me in and I could discuss things with him. The phonecall never came, which unfortunatly has only made him worse for the last week, since now he feels as if the doc has betrayed him by not getting on the phone to abuse me.

It's kind of put it into my head now though that if he's been speaking about me to the doc, maybe I should go in and have a frank discussion with him about our miserable home life right now. But I don't know how to broach the subject at all with the doctor. I kind of feel that if I try and discuss it, it just looks like I'm trying to have a "he said, she said" conversation. I know the doc can't talk to me about his medicines or illnesses (was hoping that if Dad told him to ring me, the doc might have seen it as an opening to at least let me talk and he could listen), but I worry about how violent he can get some time. I worry that there's been violent outbursts. He's never gone so far as to hit Mom. He knows I'd call the police if he laid a finger on her. But he does hurt her, pushing in to her "accidental". There's been a few "accidents". And if I confront him, he just laughs and says not to believe her lies and we have no proof of anything he's done wrong.

It's not all medicine. He's a thug, and has been for as long as I've known him, but it's escalating. He screams and roars abuse at her. He never dares with me, cause I burst his little victim complex. He loves blaming the brakedown of our relationship on her, saying she told us lies and brainwashed us, but whenever I list the reasons why we have no relationship, he just sticks out his tounge and laughs in my face. Whenever I try and have conversations with him, he just turns up the TV, makes noises till I go away, or he runs away himself.

He's chased away all my friends by going to them and telling them "the truth" about me. He's done everything he can to block me ever having relationships. I can't tell him when I get work; last time I did, he came in gleefully telling me that he had a colleague in the taxi with him, and again, told them "the truth". He'll talk to everyone about me, but never actually seek out a conversation with me to try and fix things. He's dumped every ounce of his responsibilities on me; for all intents and purposes, I'm the father of the house, in terms of dealing with things that break, helping my brother through college, supporting mom in times of need, both financially and emotionally.

And that's problem two then; he's wrecked my life in a big way whereby I get up in the morning now, and I simply can't find the motivation to do anything. I know anything I try and do, he'll set out to ruin. I get my dole on Tuesday, 90% of it goes towards things that the father of the house would usually take charge of, and I wait for the week to end.

We can't kick him out. I'm unemployed, and if I had the cash to support Mom and my brother, I'd happily boot him to the kerb. I think he knows that too, and that's part of why he moves to sabotage anything I try and do. He'll give out about how useless I am for not bringing a penny into the house, but then when I try to actually make proper money, he does everything he can to stop me. And it's made me so angry and so upset.

But I feel I can't just go to the doc and go "hey, I think I'm depressed", cause I feel as if (and I don't know if this makes sense) I go and say that, it's (again) as if I'm just trying to go and manipulate the doctor into our side of the arguments with Dad. I worry about what he told the doctor last week, not that any of it was true, but that the doc would think it's true (not getting how vicious and horrible he is) and wouldn't want to deal with me.

So yeah, I don't know what to do. I don't know how to approach a doctor and go "My dad is a psycho, and I feel depressed" cause that just feels as if he'll roll his eyes and tell me to bugger off. I could write a book about my father and the abuse and the hell I feel he's putting me through. I'd run a mile but I can't abandon my mother and brother. I don't really know what to do.

deseil

Get away as soon as you can dont let this man ruin your life anymore, save up as much as you can week to week and try and get a job and save even more. Move away and make a life for yourself before the chance is gone you can do it and start now!!

Lisha

Op I know you feel responsible fur your mother , but you are only responsible for yourself.
If she won't leave him, that is her decision, and she must be responsible fur that decision,
Op, please leave this toxic environment and live your own life. Bullies thrive on a captive audience. The only way you can minimize the damage he does to you is to Leave.
Maybe go you your gp and talk it out.
You would be surprised at how much he knows already. GPs generally are it dole to read a family situation,
Are you entitled to any assistance re courses or back to work schemes?

Best of luck op

Queen-Mise

Get out OP - as fast and as soon as you can. You are not responsible for your mother and brother.

At this moment in time your father is absolutely ruining, running and dominating your life.

I believe you absolutely when you say that he is a thug and a bully. Get away from him, and stay far, far away.

There is absolutely nothing you can do about his health - he is an adult and is responsible for looking after his own health concerns. Yes, you can support him, but if he doesn't want it, then you can't force it on him. [you can bring a horse to water but you can't force it to drink]

You will have sh*te to work though about your mother - it will have to be her decision in what she decides to do.
You are not abandoning her to being in a house with your father - she was there before you were born and is still there nearly 30 odd years later.

And also you can't help anyone if you are not well yourself. OP - this is a toxic situation, get out of it. And live a good life for yourself.

Some people are not nice unfortunately, and I mean really not nice.

One of my in-laws is like your father, I personally think the man is just bad. Everything you said about your dad, I could say about this in-law. He had a stroke about 10 years ago, in a really nasty way it was a blessing in disguise - it affected his hearing, so he has never been able to bully since the stroke like he did before it. My in-law is also alcoholic which also really doesn't help.


Back to you OP - get out. At the moment with you subsidising the house, you are enabling your father's behaviour. And you are also sacrificing your life so he can continue destroying the one's around him.
Get out and life your life.

username123

You have no perspective on this because you are on the inside looking out, but believe me, you are helping no one, most of all yourself, by staying.

I grew up with a toxic father, alcoholism, I'm pretty sure he had mental health issues that he tried to self medicate with alcohol. It was a bad environment. I felt responsible for my mother. She had a stroke then, and ended up in a wheelchair so I felt even more responsible.

But you know what? She chose to stay with that bully and subject us kids to it our whole childhood. There was a time she could have left, with us. But she chose him over us. By the time we were of an age to feel responsible for her she played the victim role, and she felt she couldn't leave him, and we felt couldn't leave her. Messed up.

I did leave. So did my sibling. I felt shame and guilt, and relief. I had years of group therapy before I could let go of the emotional problems created from that environment. But I never once regretted it.

Get out. Save yourself. No one else is looking out for you, you gave to look out for yourself.

fta93

I've a similar-ish situation, albeit being my grandfather and not father. Lot of similarities with the health, anger etc (+ added drink). Seems he's a bully, pure and simple, and they don't change easily.

If you can, try move out obviously, but get that you can't financially wise, we're the same, if we could, we'd go.

I guess the best thing to do for yourself is to try look after yourself. I've had the anger, despair feelings myself, thinking when will this end, but you're just destroying yourself. I know it might sound like i'm on my soapbox, but just try your best not to get dragged down and bogged down by it. Even just detach from reality, and think of it as this is just some place I'm living in until I can change that.

With regards to other family members, you can do everything possible to protect them, look after them, but in the mothers case don't be surprised if she never changes, there seems to be that kinda attitude 'sure he's not that bad' in certain generations (sorry for generalisation, not having a go).

Apologies if I'm being too blunt or if I'm wrong. Try find someone who ya can talk to about it as well, it does help to vent, even if only temporarily.

Big Bag of Chips

I think you are hoping the GP will fix everything.. he can't. No more than you can, or your mam, or your brother.

The GP will have a pretty good idea of what sort of person he is. If your dad is all the things you say he is, why would you believe what he told you the GP said? It is very unlikely the GP told him he'd ring you. It's even more unlikely he told him it would be to tell you off. Your dad might have spoken about you. The GP may or may not have made sympathetic noises... And your dad came out of the room with his own version of what was said.

You probably should go to the GP yourself, to get a referral to a counsellor to talk everything through. I also think, and I think it was suggested to you before, that you need to move out. Your dad is not going to change. Your life is not going to change if you hang around. You are an adult, responsible for yourself. Your mam is responsible for herself. For her own reasons she will probably never leave him. So you need to decide, do you let her decisions dictate your life, friends, work life etc, or do you make a break to live your own life?

Your dad has been like this your whole life. He is not going to change. Telling the GP how terrible he is, is going to do nothing to change your situation. The only thing that will change it for you, is getting out.

If you choose to stay, you have to realise that by making that choice, you are choosing to put up with your dad's behaviour. You are choosing to allow him to influence your life/friends etc. You are choosing to listen to his rants, and raves.

You might feel like because of your mam, and brother you can't leave.. but that brings it's own problems for you. Your dad won't get a personality transplant, nor does it look like he will ever leave the house.

So.. do you stay? Or go?

LegacyUser

Just echoing what previous posters have said ... Your Dad is not going to change ... Staying in this situation is only going to ruin you if it hasn't already.

I would definitely undertake anything to move out of 'home' and look after yourself (You might even want to consider some counselling in order to help you). You are 26 and life is too short for these kind of things.
Once you have settled somewhere, you could always ask your brother to move in with you.

Your mother will probably stay where she is. It is her choice, she is an adult and there is nothing you can do about it. Just let her know that if she ever needed help, you will be there to support her.

Best of luck.