Friend can't get over ex

LegacyUser

A friend of mine broke up with her boyfriend about 8 months ago. At the time we talked it out a lot, for weeks and weeks, I thought it was best to let her vent.

Now 8 months on there does not seem to be much progress. She is still bringing his name up, going over and over the break up, saying the same things. She is still very angry over how things ended.

I just don't know what to say to her at this stage. I am willing to be there for her when she needs to talk however, only to a certain extent. I am not happy, 8 months on, to facilitate her while she repeatedly goes over and over and over old ground. For one, the guy is long gone, seeing someone else and also, I just don't think that this is good for her mental health.

I've been trying to keep her busy with exercise, general hanging out, nights out but I need advise on how I can help her to move on from this. Is there anything I can do ?

Thanks

Typer Monkey

Tell her what you wrote above. She may just be stuck in a self pity cycle and doing it out of habit. Or she may need to consider some counselling to move past it. Sometimes it's being a better friend to be honest instead of pussyfooting around her. You've been more than accommodating listening to it for 8 months.

You can tell her in kind way that she's like a broken record and needs to get herself out of the rut she's in

R.D. aka MR.D

Have you tried saying it to her bluntly?

How do you react when she talks about it? do you just listen passively? If it were me, i would try to bring it back no matter she said to her needing to get over it.

You sound like a great friend but maybe she needs a bit of tough love.

If you think it has an impact on her confidence or her life in general then maybe suggest that she gets professional help.

LOTD

This might sound harsh, but some people like to hear themselves and go on about their own problems.

I knew somebody who was like this, talked about there ex for at least a year and a half. Constantly asking your opinion yet when you would you give it the person seem to ignore it. The irony being when this person taught somebody else was kind of prattling on, they would very bluntly and at times rudely tell them to shut up.

beks101

I had the same issue with a friend of mine once, I gently explained to her that her ex had moved on and by her not doing so, she was simply re-hashing a painful time and missing out on her OWN life.

And I pointed out the ways:
- she wasn't, and had no interest in dating. So no love life.
- her self esteem was getting lower and lower from repeatedly lingering on the breakup and comparing herself to his new girl
- she was becoming a negative person. So happiness was impossible, which means all the open doors that come with that in terms of new people, new experiences, were firmly shut.
- all of the above meant she was becoming a difficult person to be around. So friendships and social life in jeopardy.

It's quite obvious your friend's confidence is pretty low, otherwise she'd have well since realized her own worth and moved on. So I think being blunt and direct about this would dent her confidence further and perhaps draw a wedge between you two.

Be a friend about it. Be kind and compassionate, tell her you understand and you have been there. But that you wouldn't be doing a very good job as her friend if you didn't level with her about how it's changing her personality and making it increasingly challenging for you to be around her. Tell her she's selling herself short and missing out on so much joy and happiness and new experiences and new men by focusing so intently on her ex.

And some ideas for how she can change: encourage her to get out more socially, perhaps start internet dating, go speed dating together for the craic (if you're single!) Encourage her to block him and anyone connected to him on facebook etc, until she has fully moved on. Encourage new hobbies, a new gym, go running every evening etc.

Best of luck. You sound like a great friend.

ivytwine

Hey OP, I was once that girl going on and on about her ex. And to be honest I needed a bit of bluntness by the end.

Tell her what you have told us here, that it's draining you and you can't hear about him anymore. She probably knows herself deep down anyway.

iwantmydinner

I think beks has it nailed above. Be nice and compassionate, but firm and clear. Best of luck.

December2012

It's hard to say what's appropriate without knowing how long were they together. 8 months isn't long if it was 10 years for example.

Podgers

I was the same, constantly talking about my Ex etc. i do think there is a time were you just get fed up of it. a friend of mine said any time i mention her name he was going to punch me in the arm, that was one way if stopping me but Yes you got to be blunt and tell her straight up, its understandable for the first few weeks but after that its time for her to understand that nothing is going to be solved by talking about him all the time

MagicMarker

You're doing her no favours by humouring her. What she needs right now is for someone to be straight up with her and tell her to get a grip.

Rosy Posy

I was in a similar position a few years back. Eventually I sat my friend down and told her that by holding on to her bitterness she was only allowing him to continue to hurt her, and that at this stage that was her choice, so she could choose to allow him to continue to occupy space in her head and her heart or she could choose to move on with her life; that hating him was only damaging her, not him. For my friend anyway, it was a change of perspective that she needed. You sound like a good friend, op, best of luck.

ivytwine

What Rosy Posy said is a good approach. My friend did similiar with me. She pointed out how much time and energy I was wasting being bitter. Looking back I really do regret how much time I wasted on something that was no-one's fault and led to better things for both of us. I would point out to her that she is hurting no-one only herself.

Out of curiosity, was it her first serious relationship? Mine was, and due to family background etc I pinned a lot on it. That's why I took it so hard when it ended. Maybe it's the same for her; she's not just mourning him, she's mourning a dream too.