Dealing with life and Mental Health

L.Jenkins

I'm not going anonymous for this, because I don't want to hide behind a keyboard. Yes, I'm a regular Boardsie, a Mod and I have real life problems (Who hasn't?). I feel this post may err on the side of ranting, this is how the real world has kicked my áss so far.....

Life for me started out with 3 older siblings, the smallest age gap being 8 years, and little interaction with my parents as I came from a working to middle class family. If my Grandmother wasn't being a mother to me, I was an emotional punching bag to 3 teenagers with little else to do when my parents worked. Being hung from the corner of doors or locked in beneath a stairs like a disregarded jacket might be funny to some, but not a 3 year old. School seemed like a relief, to whom in my family, I'm not quite sure. I was a bully for up to the first 4 years, taking it out on others who wouldn't give back as good as they got. Parents meeting with Teachers was an almost daily occurrence until the age of 7/8. Being cut from a car wreck because of a careless driver, isn't something a child forgets, especially if the parents aren't willing to consider that it might have been a somewhat traumatising experience. This little bully became a recluse overnight.

With that, tables turned and I was on the business end of that stick having developed Psoriasis, so bad that no matter how much I wore, is was still prominent. Those who say Children haven't got a cruel bone in their little bodies, can be somewhat mistaken. Primary School provided me with my first opportunity to contemplate suicide.

Secondary school was no better and abuse was almost daily. 5 years of my life I'll never get back, I never enjoyed and would rather forget. It's still a time in my life I'm not willing to speak to anyone about, not even my Fiancée. Let's just say, multiple suicide attempts became very real and very close to being successful. The help my school was willing to offer was found lacking, despite the potential consequences.

College was a relief for me, but I noticed an intense social anxiety I never addressed, which I know realised was very prominent from a primary school age. In all my time spent, I never brought myself to interact with anyone and never kept with anyone since. I was however diagnosed with Bipolar type 2, PTSD and when pushed, a very short fuse. This all came to a head when my Grandmother passed away and due to circumstances beyond my control, I am the only member of the entire family, I never had the chance to say bye. It still feels like a knife in my chest that I never had one last chance to talk with the woman who treated me like one of her own.

That's my past. If I were to document every detail, I could write a small book on it. In my real life as it is, I'm being treated for Bipolar, but Psych has since decided that I don't need medication. I much prefer the situation I'm in as I was 100 times worse with the high moods. What's killing me at the moment though, is social anxiety.

It's caused work related problems over the last year with employers and when I look back at it were right to get rid of me. When pressure gets too much, I become somewhat crippled socially trying to fix things myself. Prior to last year, I never met a problem I couldn't fix, but when one thing went wrong, that started a domino effect that I can't deal with this anymore and I can attest that it's going to be the end of me soon if I can't sort it out. Being under so much stress, my psoriasis has flared to the point that I couldn't bend my knees or elbows with out agony and bleeding all over the place. Not only is it causing my stress, it's also doing my Fiancées head in.

I'm still hopeful though. I still have problems regarding unemployment and potential homelessness in the coming weeks, but I'm undergoing Counselling to resolve Anxiety and Stress I'm currently incapable of managing. My problem was simple, I never knew how to deal with both in the first place. So at the end of it all, I've turned my back on the smouldering heap I've called my life and decided to make a change to handle things much better. I've got no idea how things will work out, but it can't honestly be any worse than what has already transpired.

diddlybit

Itzy wrote: »

I'm still hopeful though. I still have problems regarding unemployment and potential homelessness in the coming weeks, but I'm undergoing Counselling to resolve Anxiety and Stress I'm currently incapable of managing. My problem was simple, I never knew how to deal with both in the first place. So at the end of it all, I've turned my back on the smouldering heap I've called my life and decided to make a change to handle things much better. I've got no idea how things will work out, but it can't honestly be any worse than what has already transpired.

So sorry to hear that you are having an awful time of it. First of all, counselling is a great first step. Stick at it, as sometimes it can be an agonisingly slow process, but even when you feel that you aren't making any at all, you are. You call your life a smouldering heap, but despite the negative feelings towards your childhood and your anxiety, this is a perception coloured by your current problems. Other people will look at you at think that you doing very well, though this doesn't help you when you're feeling like s**t. You have to accept that you can't change everything, this is undue pressure on yourself. In regards to the childhood, you are no longer a child, you are an autonomous adult and you can choose to have or have not people in your life. In regards to your family, you can accept their failures and faults without previous experiences feeling like baggage, but it took me two-and-a-half years of therapy to fix this.

Itzy wrote: »

Being under so much stress, my psoriasis has flared to the point that I couldn't bend my knees or elbows with out agony and bleeding all over the place. Not only is it causing my stress, it's also doing my Fiancées head in..

I can completely emphatise with you on this. This is going to completely hippy-dippy, but this is a healing process. All the inner anxiety and stress is erupting onto your skin. When I was going through my most intensive therapy sessions, my ezcema became so bad that I couldn't leave the house for about three months. Even walking to the bathroom was excruciatingly painful. But finally as my process was coming to an end, it began to clear up. It felt like my body was purging itself of everything I had carried around me. Of course, it's a vicious circle bad skin + stress = worse skin + more stress...

Keep your head up Itzy, you've made the most difficult decesion. Many people walk through life in a rut, but you've made the decesion to change it, which is the hardest. It's going to a long process, but rely on people you love to support you. And remember not to be so hard on yourself, you can't change everything.

Ickle Magoo

Hey Itzy,

There are a few threads in the Phobias forum regarding social anxiety you might find helpful/interesting.

Best of luck with the counselling.

L.Jenkins

diddlybit wrote: »

So sorry to hear that you are having an awful time of it. First of all, counselling is a great first step. Stick at it, as sometimes it can be an agonisingly slow process, but even when you feel that you aren't making any at all, you are. You call your life a smouldering heap, but despite the negative feelings towards your childhood and your anxiety, this is a perception coloured by your current problems. Other people will look at you at think that you doing very well, though this doesn't help you when you're feeling like s**t. You have to accept that you can't change everything, this is undue pressure on yourself. In regards to the childhood, you are no longer a child, you are an autonomous adult and you can choose to have or have not people in your life. In regards to your family, you can accept their failures and faults without previous experiences feeling like baggage, but it took me two-and-a-half years of therapy to fix this.

It does get tough and it's hard to just drop the past. Letting go of things isn't easy. I find it extraordinarily difficult to talk about it, but am starting to realise that it has to be done. When I get overly stressed, I stop talking to people, which as I've said already, has caused problems in work. So Counselling is a definite must.

I can completely emphatise with you on this. This is going to completely hippy-dippy, but this is a healing process. All the inner anxiety and stress is erupting onto your skin. When I was going through my most intensive therapy sessions, my ezcema became so bad that I couldn't leave the house for about three months. Even walking to the bathroom was excruciatingly painful. But finally as my process was coming to an end, it began to clear up. It felt like my body was purging itself of everything I had carried around me. Of course, it's a vicious circle bad skin + stress = worse skin + more stress....

That's the problem with Psoriasis, it appears when I get stressed and makes things worse.

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Hey Itzy,

There are a few threads in the Phobias forum regarding social anxiety you might find helpful/interesting.

Best of luck with the counselling.

Thanks Ickle, I'll look into it