Relationship going anywhere?

LegacyUser

I think I'm posting here what's on in my mind. This relationship is probably not going to go anywhere.

We're both in our early 20s, been in a relationship almost 2 years now. Sex is nonexistent - it has been once in the last few months. He always gives excuses, like he's too tired etc. I know he's not cheating, so that's ruled out. I asked him had he any other problems or issues for the reason - nope. I have tried a few different things, it just doesn't happen.
It feels like a best friend relationship, especially because of the reason above. We do couply kinda things together often, and I fancy him like crazy, he knows this.

Secondly, he's a complete mammy's boy. Literally. She cooks him his meals, does his washing, when we're going out.... He asks her does he look alright before we go out. He buys her presents all the time, chocolates etc.... At first I thought that this was lovely, but when I thought about it more, I realized I get absolutely nothing from him. Maybe I'm jealous.
I actually told him to become more independent and do his own washing atleast, his answer? "Oh well I'm the one who lived away from home for a few months, and anyway she said she doesn't mind doing my washing". A thing that I found shocking was, he did live with relatives while he lived away from home, and literally his washing and dinners were cooked for him too......

It's just so unattractive to think about. If he thinks that I'll be doing his washing if we were married or whatever, he probably should think twice.

blatantrereg

You only express frustrated lust and contempt when you talk about him. Doesn't strike me as positive in terms of your relationship progressing.

ivytwine

I wouldn't walk, I'd run.

You're not in a relationship with this guy. You said it; you're friends. Sounds like he sees the women in his life as his personal servants- do you want to join that retinue when Mammy's joints pack in?

It's normal and lovely to be close to your family, of course it is. And we all buy our parents presents for Christmas or their birthdays and souvenirs from holidays etc. But regularly buying her chocolates apropos of nothing and asking her, not you, how he looks before a night out? Without getting all weird and incesty, sounds like his mother is his first love, not you.

Sorry if it all sounds harsh OP, but what are you getting out of the relationship? Not respect (because you would be his housewife). Not affection (that's reserved for Mammy). Not sex.

You're in your early 20s! You see posts here from people in their 40s trapped in these kind of marriages, desperately hoping it will get better because there's children and financial commitments involved. You don't have any of that, so why are you staying with him?

You're at the peak of your life now OP, you'll never be as young or beautiful or commitment free. So why waste your time with this guy?!

heretochat

You have outgrown this lad OP. He sounds like he is still tied to his mother's apron strings and not ready for a mature relationship. And he will no find anyone who will put up with him until he grows up.

An if you do not find him attractive anymore I think the end is nigh.

Matteroffact

I would have no problem with him being close to his mother, let him buy her what he likes. The problem here is that he is just not that into you. I would not blame his mother for this. So find someone new.

ElleEm

There are two issues here. Your boyfriend either doesn't fancy you enough, or has a deeper sexual issue going on. The fact that he isn't bothered to do anything about it should worry you. He doesn't care about your needs or feelings- this just isn't on. Doing "coupley" stuff together is fine, but if you see each other as friends, then you should be just that. Move on and find someone who will satisfy all your needs.
It also seems like he is a spoiled man- child. He is clearly not in the mind frame of moving forward and being independent. I personally would find this so unattractive.

LegacyUser

OP back, thanks for the replies.

In regards to sex, he's had a particular problem from day 1 about it, which I thought that we had sorted. Maybe it's not, and he's not telling me, I'm not sure. Honestly, it's not my main concern at the moment.

Where I feel that this relationship is failing, is small things such as being the last person to know he had a job interview tomorrow. His family always know before me. Maybe it's a bit 'rude' of me (rude not being the correct word, but I can't think of the word), but I expect to be one of the first to know, being my boyfriend and all.

Or like, we had an argument before. It really was over something stupid, but his parents did notice he was a bit irritable for days after it. So they asked him about it. And he told them. This of course, upset me greatly. I feel that our arguments should stay between us. He believes, as it is his parents who own the house, and that since we had the argument in their house, that if they ask, they have a right to know what it was about. So now, if I have something important to talk about, I will wait until we're in my house, or outdoors or in the car or something.
This above, I did try to reason with him, but there was no convincing at all that our arguments should stay between us. He just doesn't seem to understand that I don't like his family knowing our arguments.

This probably isn't going to work out, I guess.

FLOWERS1

I'm sorry folks but just have to say do you know how many young men are living at home (loads) and mammy's are always gonna be mammy's to their son's and daughters no matter how old they are

as for the washing and cooking I am actually a liberal but as he lives at home it seems ridicules to me that mammy would exclude his washing from the household loads or when making dinner he should be excluded, however he should also definitely be cooking for the household some nights and and also doing the washing from time to time

mammy's will notice if there is something wrong and it sounds to me like he has a very open family and I don't think anyone should dictate who their partners can discuss problems with at the end of the day your family are always the ones we call on for support when the chips are down

And maybe your trying to control even the small things a bit much, as I'm sorry to say but I don't think you have to be the first person he tell's he has an interview to, as really, what difference does it make, maybe you should just be happy for him and also as he lives at home its more than likely his family were there when he received the call for the interview



Maybe you have a good relationship and your actually just picking faults for some reason and your pushing him to look for support

Only my opinion and I could be completely wrong

LegacyUser

I appreciate the reply.

Maybe I did go overboard about the interview thing, I accept that.

About the argument thing, I am adamant that it should stay between us, unless completely necessary. He revealed a secret that I didn't want anyone to know about - apart from him (depression etc) to them that came up during the argument, that's why I was so upset.

And the cooking/washing thing, he's the last one living at home so I guess he's mammyed a lot. I just felt it a little overboard when he actually so this mother to make him a fry at 1am.

FLOWERS1

ok I may have misinterpreted, I do think it was very insensitive of him to reveal such intimate private issue's and I'm not making excuses but could it be possible that he revealed this information to seek another perspective and maybe how to support you?? as the argument may have been complex - not that that makes it ok - its not!!! and he definitely handle the situation very badly. I would make it very clear to him that if you share something so personal of yourself that he should respect how private you wish it to remain.

As for the waking his mother at 1am for a fry - I do find that very bizarre and that she cooked it, even stranger!
It does sound as though you've got yourself a mammy's boy and it's up to you whether or not you can continue a relationship with him? the answer to that is different for each individual - it wouldn't rock my boat. Rather I would be clear that I would never be an extension of his mother and that I'd have certain expectations of him to cook, clean etc

but the fry's at 1 am has to stop! tell him to cop himself on, grow up, take responsibility for himself and have a bit of respect for his Mam, this makes me question whether the Mam values herself as in - she is more than a cleaner, chef, maid. if he has similar expectations of you then yeah I would think of walking away from the relationship and value yourself more

I hope that helps