almost 16 year old with first serious boyfriend

matildajane

my daughter will be 16 in two weeks time. She has a boyfriend for the past month. They have been to the cinema and to shopping centre etc together. Now she wants to be allowed to hang out in his house for a few hours on Saturday. Should I allow her? I have to drop her there and pick her up as its around 5 miles away in another town. I have met him briefly and he seems like a nice lad. My daughter is quite pretty and fairly confident but she seems mad about him so I'm not sure how 'far' she'd let him go. This is all new to me so any advice would be appreciated.

Penny Dreadful

matildajane wrote: »

my daughter will be 16 in two weeks time. She has a boyfriend for the past month. They have been to the cinema and to shopping centre etc together. Now she wants to be allowed to hang out in his house for a few hours on Saturday. Should I allow her? I have to drop her there and pick her up as its around 5 miles away in another town. I have met him briefly and he seems like a nice lad. My daughter is quite pretty and fairly confident but she seems mad about him so I'm not sure how 'far' she'd let him go. This is all new to me so any advice would be appreciated.

Or how far she might want to go.
To be fair there are two sets of hormones at play there.

Will the parents be home on Satuday? If so then I'd let her go and when you're dropping her off have a quick intoduction / cup of tea with his parents too.

When I was a teenager my parents never tolerated boyfriends/girlfriends at all. Granted it didn't do us any harm but did make the fact that you were growing into an adult with perfectly normal feelings of attraction and desire to someone else an awkward and difficult thing to discuss with them or have acknowledged. It would be nice for your daughter to feel comfortable in being able to talk to you about that part of her life as she grows up and goes through it.

b318isp

At 16 I think it appropriate for them to start finding out about each other, no issues with starting to go out. I would continue a level of control all the same: where will you be/who will you be with/what are you (generally) doing/drops offs & pick ups times.

Think of them as friends first, and see where it goes.

It may also be an good time to reinforce appropriate and inappropriate behaviours...

matildajane

oh I think they are very much more than friends. They started being friends before summer holidays, texting, facebook. This progressed to a few dates and then 'officially' going out. What are inappropriate behaviours in this day and age? I've told her not to feel pressurised into doing anything she is not comfortable with and if he really likes her he wont put pressure on her. One part of me wants to say no, you are too young for a boyfriend. I know that's unrealistic though. She sees him in school every day. Not in the same year fortunately. He is 17 since September.

.jacksparrow.

matildajane wrote: »

oh I think they are very much more than friends. They started being friends before summer holidays, texting, facebook. This progressed to a few dates and then 'officially' going out. What are inappropriate behaviours in this day and age? I've told her not to feel pressurised into doing anything she is not comfortable with and if he really likes her he wont put pressure on her. One part of me wants to say no, you are too young for a boyfriend. I know that's unrealistic though. She sees him in school every day. Not in the same year fortunately. He is 17 since September.

Well as long as he is aware if anything did happen he is breaking the law.

blindsider

Any contact with his parents? Might be useful to meet them somehow and suss out their views on what the kids should and shouldn't be doing, and what their (other parents) responsibilities are....

Best of luck with it!

matildajane

she has met his parents. I haven't. She was horrified when I suggested getting his mum's number! Is that considered OTT? My daughter of course says that just doesn't happen.

b318isp

No problem asking for the house phone number in case contact needs to be made.

Penny Dreadful

matildajane wrote: »

she has met his parents. I haven't. She was horrified when I suggested getting his mum's number! Is that considered OTT? DD of course says that just doesn't happen.

Of course she says that! I think you should have his mother's number. Leaving aside the obvious concerns, its never a bad thing to have the contact details of any friend's parents, you never know when you might need them for good or ill.

seosamh1980

I started going out with my first boyfriend when I was 13, he was 16 (was with him until I was 18). At 14 I was allowed to go to his house and him to mine when our parents were there, so obviously all numbers were exchanged and they knew where the houses were. Our mums knew each other through work a little but for the first 6 months (so 6-12 months after we'd met) my mum would drop me off, say hi to his parents, say what time she'd collect me or ask when I'd be dropped home. The fact that our parents kind of gave us space to hang out (as in we didn't have to waste money hanging out with friends all day in town, we could just watch movies, play computer games, etc) it made us grateful and more open with them, as they treated us like responsible teenagers (but teenagers nonetheless!). Everything was completely transparent to everyone involved.

If you're curious as to how this made the relationship progress, I was nearly 17 before we had sex. From about 15 on we were allowed to hang out in our bedrooms with doors closed, but mainly because all our parents knew we were incredibly trustworthy and were genuinely listening to music and chatting snuggled up on the bed. They would wander in unannounced at least once a visit, this was the test I suppose that replaced having the door open.

echo beach

matildajane wrote: »

my daughter will be 16 in two weeks time. She has a boyfriend for the past month. They have been to the cinema and to shopping centre etc together. Now she wants to be allowed to hang out in his house for a few hours on Saturday. Should I allow her?

Your choice is simple. Either you allow her to go, dropping her off and picking her up and knowing where she is or you refuse and she finds a way of meeting him behind your back, saying she is visiting friends or whatever. Trying to put the brakes on this relationship will only force them together. Let things progress at their own pace. Either it will fizzle out or they will start a serious relationship.

Having to taxi her is a bit of a nuisance but it worth it to know where she is and who she is with. By all means insist on having contact numbers or talking to his parents. Most teenagers may think normal parenting is OTT but they still like the fact that you care and having a parent known to be strict is a get-out clause for them when they don't want to do something. 'I would, but my mother would kill me.'

ElleEm

I agree with the other posters about having a quick chat with his parents when you are dropping her off. It is a great way to open the lines of communication with them now, as your children's relationship may develop.
It is also a good idea to start seriously discussing (if you haven't already) contraception. I know legally they shouldn't be having sex, but it may not stop them. It is best that your daughter is prepared when they do, by having her own stash of condoms and being on another contraceptive herself. If she isn't the type to discuss it with you, maybe you could just bring her to the doctors and leave her to it.

seosamh1980

Apparently when my ex was like 17 (so we were barely together a year) his mom did the old talk to them when they're trapped in the car thing, and told him he better be safe, use condoms, etc. Nobody believed us when we said we weren't having sex. When I was 16 I asked my mum to come with me to get the pill, and the doctor was lovely so that was a very "nice" experience really, it went well. We didn't have sex until I'd been on it about 10 months.

I really think the key to having an open, mature teenager is to force their hand in having an open chatty relationship with you. If they want to hang out with the boyfriend they have to tell you where they live, meet their parents, have phone numbers, strict drop off and pick up times, and to tell them to think before making any major decisions with the boyfriend, and to talk to you if they want advice. So that if they clam up or don't share info with you they don't get to spend time alone with them, a deal is a deal.

Tasden

Just wanted to add that while its great you've talked to her about not letting him pressure her and stuff, try to remember it may not be him pressuring her or even instigating it. Obviously, talking about being ready and stuff is important but also make sure she knows its ok to want to do it. That you don't see the boyfriend as some guy who just wants to have sex and she's the little girl being set upon, let her know that she's probably going to want to do it and its natural in relationships etc, but that there are consequences and emotional issues involved. I used to hate the whole "don't let him force you" and similar stuff, it always felt like they viewed my boyfriend in a bad light and saw it as something horrific he shouldn't be doing! Other posters have given great advice.