Atypical breakup - how to deal?

Callie

Hi there. I hope (really hope!) that I am not duplicating a thread. Have split up after 12 year relationship. But I am the one who did the breaking. Trying to deal with a scary future and loneliness even though I know I did the right thing.

Friends and co-workers are very understanding but don't seem to get that, despite not being officially married and with no kids, this was as close to a marriage as it gets. I can't seem to find the people who share this experience.

My ex is a really lovely guy and I genuinely didn't want to hurt him but I knew it was over. How have other people dealt with finding themselves newly single at an awkward time in their lives (mid thirties) and the consequences of trying to arrange an amicable split?

Dixie Chick

I went through this, not married but own a house with an ex. Nothing wrong except I knew I wanted more. OF course no one understands, just as you probably wouldn't understand if someone from a 2 year relationship could be similarily broken hearted if broken up. You just have to plough on unfortunately , a lot of the work you do on yourself to make yourself feel better will be alone. You cant realistically keep bending the ears of friends after the initial period.

I know that sounds pretty unsympathetic and too practical but there has been a huge new space opened in your life and you need to take time and be kind to yourself and you eventually will stop feeling sad, as you know you did the right thing.

Callie

Thanks Dixie Chick, I appreciate honesty! I agree that you can't bother friends for too long with this kind of thing. Thankfully I have one good friend who's going through her own bad time and we 'bend each others ears' about 50/50 which makes it a bit easier!

I guess I was just wondering if there were other people out there in a similar situation. I'm actually pretty comfortable in my own company most of the time, but it's taking a little time to adjust to using 'I' instead of 'we' and navigating wedding invitations (go alone, don't go etc!) It's just so weird being single for the first time since I was 22. You really aren't the same person you were then and your expectations are completely different. Because of negative equity, I'm going to have to give up my home and move back to flat-land, pack away or sell all my belongings and start all over. And all this with the knowledge that it was my doing so I can't exactly feel sorry for myself!

Oh, and every one keeps suggesting where to meet men, but jaysus - we only broke up a month ago! I don't reckon they'd say that to someone who was getting divorced after 12 years

Anyway. Sorry for the rant - thanks again for the feedback. I hope your situation is good now and that you made it through ok.

unattendedbag

Alot has changed In your life since you were last single. Fill your days with the things that make u feel good such as hobbies, social events friends etc. Do whatever makes you happy as time is the best cure. Soon you will be completely content and used to life without him. Don't rush into meeting a new fella. There is no specific time limit but you will know yourself when you are ready for a new relationship. Best of luck and enjoy yourself.

Dixie Chick

It just takes time unfortunately, its a strange sad but also a tiem where you can grow so much as a person! As for getting back on the horse...people would want to get a grip giving that advice!!

Loughc

unattendedbag wrote: »

Alot has changed In your life since you were last single. Fill your days with the things that make u feel good such as hobbies, social events friends etc. Do whatever makes you happy as time is the best cure. Soon you will be completely content and used to life without him. Don't rush into meeting a new fella. There is no specific time limit but you will know yourself when you are ready for a new relationship. Best of luck and enjoy yourself.

THIS. This is the best advice you can get. DO the things that make you happy and spend time on you for yourself, when you figure out what makes you truely happy when you're alone and understand yourself better it'll make it all that easier when you meet someone else, but there's no rush with that.

Take the time and enjoy yourself. You need to remember as fun as relationships are they are hard work and after 12 years you've earned some time to yourself so enjoy it. Don't waste that time filling it with regrets.

Goldenlady

Hi Op,

welcome to my world!!! I broke up after 8 years 12 months ago now & I too am mid 30's. I too felt that being with someone for such a long time was like a marriage with out the official paper. I wont lie, its not going to be easy for a while. I actually laughed to myself when I read your comment re getting used to saying "I" instead of "We". I still struggle a bit with that at times!

I have done a lot in the last 12 months, and I suppose Ive gotten to know myself a bit better and realise what I want from life. I spend a lot of time alone, but am happy in my own company. I was seeing a guy for a few months but It was too soon for me, I just wasn't ready to commit. Its hard as my friends are all at a different stage of their life - married, kids, etc so I don't get to see them too much, but I know they are on the other end of the phone.

I found the hardest part is if someone asks you if you are married (Most people assume it at our age!!) and your response is no Im single, that's my own issue though... again I was with someone for 7 years before my 8 years so I haven't been single since I was a teenage!! BUT im enjoying my new found freedom!

You will have so many emotions over the next couple of months, but that's just part of the healing process. Im in a good place now, have been for a few months, but something happened last week and in the space of 24 hours I missed my ex more then, than I had in 12 months, but Im ok now again! These things happen.

you know yourself that the decision was right, and I applaud you for walking away as did I, as I truly believe a lot of people stay in relationships/marriage as they have a fear of being alone.

Live it up for the next few months & don't be pressured into looking for a guy, what will be will be!!

best of luck xx

Callie

Hi guys. Thanks so much for the replies. I'll definitely take it on board. In fact, after reading your posts I've got out my sketch pad and pencil for the first time in years and am about to indulge in a little me time right now!

I guess you're right - it's just going to take time to adjust and I'm definitely not on the lookout for a new fella. Social pressure be damned Luckily, I've never wanted to have kids so being 34 (ouch) and single is less of a panic than it could be otherwise. The people I feel really sorry for are women my age who do want kids and are single. That must be truly awful. I can completely relate to Goldenlady -all my friends are sprogged up too and it does make it difficult to spend time with them. Still, they're great and I'm happy for them. Can't be on a constant downer, can you?!

Anyway, it's great to hear from you that there is light at the end of the tunnel and I'll just keep plugging away. Right - where's that wine?