Wife's relationship with her parents.

ifElseThen

Married 4 years.
Early 30s.
3 children under 4.

Her Father:

• When we first started going out, I'd been warned that he was a violent man. Turns out he's a house devil and street angel/coward type. No problem using his fists on his 4 daughters and son. I've often wanted to wade in and sort him out but have held back to avoid alienating my wife from her family.
• Zero relationship with any of his own siblings and little to no relationship with any of his children.
• Basically he is a bully.
• He tells good stories and is a bit of craic since he mellowed these last few years. But is still an interfering know it all. Wife can't mention anything without his sage like advice "Wouldn't do that", "Why would you want to do that", "Doesn't work like that".
• Massively overweight for his height and had a mini-stroke a few years back which made him very nostalgic but was not in anyway a wake-up call to lose the weight etc.
• Borderline alcoholic and has admitted it's his only friend.

Her Mother:

• 10 years younger and after 30 years marriage is institutionalised by him.
• He bullies her a lot indirectly, but she does stand up to him when she's had enough of his nagging etc.
• Very childish emotionally & obsessed with money, e.g On announcing our 2nd pregnancy "F off you're not, so I only have 8 paydays left" (We'd been paying her to mind our first while my wife went back to work)
• Threw my wife out of the house when wife was 19. She'd had a silly arg with her sister, the da got involved when drunk. Wife came home from work to find her stuff in bags. Wife had nowhere to go so went to her maternal grandads. M-I-L rang her to say "I won't talk to you again if you take her in". Wife ended up living in her grandads for 5 years.
• Places great emphasis on material things. "You got everything growing up" is a phrase she bandies about.
• She'll do anything to avoid being around him, usually dropping up to visit us and running around here there and everywhere with her other older grandchildren.
• She gives out about his drinking because it means he doesn't go out to work which means he's dipping into their nest egg. He wouldn't stay in drinking most nights if she would go to the pub with him once a week. But she won't do this because of wanting to avoid him.

My Wife:

• Very strong minded, an excellent mother to our 3 children and an excellent wife.
• Seems to be the only one of her siblings who made the effort over the years to have a relationship and tolerate the father, letting him have his say etc.

Last Xmas F-I-L left a voicemail effing down the phone to my wife over visiting his parent's grave.
On Christmas day we visited her parents, but sort of blanked F-I-L for that carryon.
Then on Stephen's day, visiting the M-I-L's brother, the M-I-L wouldn't talk to us and sort of blanked our child too.
Basically she took his side, intervening in something that was none of her business and escalating it far beyond what it would have been.
Wife and her parents have not spoke since.
I've had the militant stance that they are poisonous and she is far better off without them. And in the last year her life has been a lot less stressful.
But then the last few weeks my old man fell ill.
Thinking about the short time F-I-L probably has, I mentioned to my wife that maybe she approach them:

• From a purely selfish point of view to assuage any potential guilt post their deaths.
• Keep it to once a week visit and keep the interaction to a minimum.

But it's very hard to do this as then they drop up unannounced, things build up and explode again.
She doesn't want to get in touch as they have basically shut out their grandchildren for the last year.

I don't want to keep pushing her, but her maternal gdad had a heart attack and on that side, nobody talks to each other and it was very awkward visiting him.

Then we found out this week that the MIL has extremely high blood pressure at risk of a stroke.

Any advice? Apologies for the long post!

Merkin

They are ultimately your wife's parents and she has categorically said she doesn't want a relationship with them (can't say I blame her). You've made you point that they won't be around forever but you can't force her to have a relationship with them (and tolerate sh1tty behaviour) simply because one of them might drop dead at some stage. You need to respect your wife's wishes on this.

ManOfMystery

As above. They sound toxic, and your wife sounds like she is better off without them. She's an adult and I'm sure she's fully aware that none of them will live forever, however if she doesn't want to go and see them or forge some kind of new relationship, you have to respect that. It's her choice. All you can do is support her in whatever she wants to do. Ultimately it's no skin off your back either way as it sounds like you have no time for them at all (and rightly so).

Big Bag of Chips

You mentioned your wife is the only one of her siblings that has tried and persisted to have a relationship with her father... And from what you say, it brings nothing but trouble and aggravation for her. Her other siblings have walked away. She has a right to, too.

Families are complicated, and while a health scare might make you consider your own parents mortality, it mightn't mean so much to your wife. Of course if one of her parents were to die, she would almost certainly grieve them. And grieve for the relationship she "could have had" with them. But she is NEVER going to have that relationship... They are the way they are, and at this stage of their lives their behaviour and thinking is unlikely to change. So what's the point in pushing it? You've said yourself, this past year has been the most relaxed year she's ever had.

Push her back into a relationship, and you're pushing her back to stress, arguments, unwanted opinion and general misery... You will also be subjecting your children to his/their behaviour and moods.

You come from a "normal" family. It is difficult to understand that not every family gets on, and not everyone wants to sit around forcing a family situation. Your wife had 30 years to come to this point. This is the first time in her life when she has felt strong enough, independent enough, and adult enough to break free of them.... Don't be the one to push her back there.

The Princess Bride

If your children have a good relationship with your parents, then be grateful for that.
One set of good grandparents is better than 2 sets-one of whom is toxic.
They are too young now to appreciate this, but down the line, will see how true this is.

Listen to your wife-she knows her parents longer and better than you do -if she wants to distance herself and your children from them,then she knows best.

ifElseThen

Great, thanks for the advice and perspective!

MagicMarker

I don't really understand. You are trying to encourage your wife to have a relationship with these people?

I'd be telling her to stay as far away as possible.