Not sure if I'm happy anymore

TIMBOBHAIR

I've been in this relationship for 6 years, I think I'm in love but I'm not sure, the person i'm with is lazy and thinks only of themselves, we have good times and bad times but I don't think I like spending time with this person anymore.

This person is very controlling and manipulative, I cannot go out anymore because I was told they'd leave me. I've been told that I'm an alcoholic even tho when I did drink it would be small amounts, this person doesn't like me going out with my friends but also won't join us. The last time I drank I wasn't even drunk but they created this situation where all her friends and family knew I was out (even tho this was planned) and made it look like I was a huge alco, it was a work going away party, I didn't come home at 10 like they wanted me to.

They have been abusive in the past, I have been hit and a lot of nasty things have been said.

Snapping point came a few months back, every so often she goes through really nasty phases but then stops for a few weeks. I don't look at her the same way, I don't know if I love her anymore,

I only see a selfish person who is dependent on me for cooking and cleaning.

Our house is shameful, I do most of the cleaning but its impossible to keep clean, plates and food wrappers everywhere.

Our future is her future, her plans, I worry if we ever have kids that she would use them to get what she wants.

I'm not perfect, I'd like to know if there;s anywhere I can call to talk that'll give me advice.

I feel I want to break up but I don't want to hurt this person,

My friends (the ones that are left) think I'm in an abusive relationship, I've been told I'm just a fool for women. My friends also think we should see a counselor and that she may be depressed, some friends have advised me to leave but I don;t want to, but over the last few months i've been questioning do i love her. I went for a walk with her today she loves me so much but I don't see her face the same way. Her parents have evened spoken to her about the way she treats/talks about me.

I don't want to hurt this person but I don't look forward to coming home in the evening.

Czarcasm

OP you can contact AMEN -

http://www.amen.ie/index.html

alias06

TIMBOBHAIR wrote: »

They have been abusive in the past, I have been hit and a lot of nasty things have been said.

Game over. You need to end this relationship.

TIMBOBHAIR wrote: »

I feel I want to break up but I don't want to hurt this person.

You are hurting yourself by staying in this relationship. You dumping this girl is the wake up she needs.

njs030

Just read what you wrote and imagine your female sister/cousin coming to you and asking for advice, what would you say?

Break ups are hard so would you consider having some counselling to help you build strength?

Merkin

Czarcasm wrote: »

OP you can contact AMEN -

http://www.amen.ie/index.html

You should do this and then you should leave OP. If you were a female poster people would be urging you to leave ASAP, same applies.

Media999

Get the hell out.

For the love of god dont have kids. Cant believe you would even mention them in the same story as this freak.

irish gent

Get out now dont make the same big mistake I did .

howamidifferent

My first marraige lasted 7 years, together 11 years in total and was like this from the start. I was a fool to even go through with the marraige but hindsight is great. Luckily no kids involved but it all exploded one night when I'd finally had enough of the abuse and hit her back. Guards called and the rest is history.
I filed for judicial sepration and later got a divorce but at the cost of my home and my own mental health. Looking back I cant believe how stupid I was to stay in such an abusive relationship. Those toxic relationships only get worse not better. Get out while you still can.

heretochat

The fact that you are even considering staying with this person shows how she has you beaten down (physically and emotionally).. I know it is easy for us to say get out but I can see how in your position you would find it difficult to do so. You are being controlled, manipulated and abused.

I echo wholeheartedly the recommendation that you contact AMEN ASAP. They will give you the best advice as to how to look after yourself and give you the help you need to get away from this monster.

LegacyUser

What you wrote describes exactly my relationship at the moment (although I just found our she is having an affair one guy and also seeing others too). Over the 9 years I have only been punched one and slapped once so the physical abuse may not be as bad as yours. I am getting out, as you should do. I believe your partner. like mine as serious mental issues. Maybe bipolar, I am not sure but if they don't want to get help, you can't force them.
I dont' feel like I am living my life what so ever. Like what you describe, I am just a waiter for her. Unfortunately I have a beautiful little angel who she is going to take away from me, well I will get access but it won't be the same as seeing her everyday and all the little things that go with it. Count yourself lucky in this regard cos its tearing me apart.

Be strong and go now.

Emme

You need to get out of this relationship. It sounds very unhealthy and this person has you completely beaten down. I second those who suggest going to Amen.

Do not have children with this person and if you are sleeping with her use protection at all times. If she suspects you might leave she could try to get pregnant to hold on to you.

When you are out of this relationship and have your self-confidence back you will be able to meet lots of nice women who will treat you properly and appreciate you.

Neyite

It is abusive. No question.

Contact Amen. Seriously. Your friends are right. But do it secretly.

And make sure you use protection- - you REALLY dont want to bring children into this situation and you don't want to be unwittingly trapped into a hellish forever-after if she gets wind that you are thinking about leaving and decides to get pregnant.

TIMBOBHAIR

Thanks everyone for the replies,

I must say 60% of the time I'm happy, but within that time I have to stay within certain boundaries and behave in certain ways.

She has a big thing about my not drinking but I think its mainly down to the social aspect of it.

There is always some trickery when she doesn't get her way,

I feel like if I do break up with her I could be making a huge mistake but also I look forward to my freedom, I don't always enjoy spending time with her something broke inside me this summer and I can't explain what, I know I'll be upset if I break up,

I always say this is like no other relationship I've ever had because in all the others 90% of the time we could come to agreements in arguments in this one I have to apologize always, even when I have done nothing or when she assumes I have done something.

Idbatterim

what age is this woman OP?

Podgers

God I was in the exact same situation as you OP, for 10 years, and the last 2 years of it she was seeing someone else. It took me finding that out that her being with someone the breaking point and even after i had to kick myself to realise how bad the relationship was, not to go back.

Its amazing when you are in that situation you don't see it but everyone else does. if i was you get out of that door immediately and stop wasting anymore of your time with her, its as good as it will ever get.

There is a book i was advised to read called "no more mr nice guy" and it doesn't mean you should be a C*&t but really standing up for yourself and getting what you want out of a relationship. it should be 50/50 within reason.

Don't waste anymore time with this woman, she possibly is not feeling it too and just a convenience thing. Not all women are like that and that's one thing i found hard to get used to, it wasn't until my next relationship i fully realised what a proper relationship should be like.

Its better off to be single than having to put up with that, not got for your mental health either!

LegacyUser

Hey man,

I can feel your struggle. Just like the previous poster, I have also gotten out of a similar situation. You probably know deep down that this girl is not good for you. Ask yourself that, is she good for you?

Mixed signals = classic abuse. She has you on a string and your feelings are determined by her actions. Were you happy before you met her?

Always remember that this isn't your fault. The fact that you are on here discussing this...I commend you for that. Takes balls to do that