Care too much about a friend

LegacyUser

I have a college friend of about 3 years, let's call him Mark. I would consider Mark my best friend, I care more for him than any friend I've ever had.

We have good fun when we are together, and have helped each other through tough times as well. I was a help to him when he went through a bad breakup and became very depressed, and he later helped me when I was feeling depressed and gave me the courage to come out of the closet as gay (he's straight but easy-going and trustworthy so he was my natural choice of person to tell first).

However, while he would consider me a close friend he wouldn't consider me his best friend. Recently, I have been asking him a lot to meet up with me just for the chats. However, no matter how flexible I was with dates/times/locations he always claimed to be busy with unavoidable events, and then went on to say that his study comes first. If he asked me to meet up I would pretty much drop everything to do so, which is why I get a bit annoyed when he seems to prioritise everything above meeting me. I got pretty annoyed with him putting books over friends so I sent fairly angry texts - he said I was taking it too personally and he wanted to put the issue behind us so as not to ruin a good friendship - I agreed.

The next day I heard that he sent a card in the post to another guy in our class, Jack, for his 22nd birthday. I'm ashamed to say that this upset me a lot, as he didn't send me anything for my 21st (Even though me and Jack sent him the same card for his 21st, put money in it, and it was me that actually went to the post office to post it). When he didn't send me something for my 21st, I didn't think too much of it, but hearing that he has since sent something for Jack's 22nd birthday made me angry and sad.
I have done more for this guy than any of his college friends.

I care about this guy more than I should, more than with my other friends. It's gotten to the stage where small things he does make me down (and I am not a sensitive person, and if it was anyone else it wouldn't bother me at all). I'm starting to think/worry that I have feelings for him, like I want to be more than friends (which is a destructive thought process).

What do I do? Every part of me wants to just be angry at him but I don't want to ruin a (great!) friendship. Maybe I should withdraw from him - not actively text him, not ask to meet up, and try become like normal friends. I don't want to gradually fall out of friendship either.

In summary; my overly strong feelings for a friend have led to him having a bigger influence on my mood than I want (or that he or anyone else would understand). What should I do?

LegacyUser

I can relate a fair bit to your situation. I suffer with depression and recently came out as gay. At times, I have probably overdepended on friends for emotional support and have been disappointed when I was the one to make the effort more than them. It is not that he does not think of you as a friend, but, in my case anyway, my main group of friends would have closer friends. For me, it does get annoying but that's life sadly. Unfortunately, I went through my life with loads of different friends but we didn't gel after a while, whereas some people have childhood friends who are their close friends. Again, don't take it the wrong way. It is not that he does not care, it is just that people can be selfish (for want of a better word) with their time and can forget if you're not part of their gang of old buddies.

In terms of depression and coming out, I found also that I was very vulnerable and tended to overdepend on my friends. I was definitely quite needy and it might have scared people. Some people kinda actively kept their distance. Particularly when in some cases it developed in my head as a romantic attraction. Again, depression and the novelty of actually not hiding your sexuality can make you needy and more vulnerable than others and many people would just think you're a bit of a psycho. But just somebody who is going through some challenging experiences and just craves really nice people in their environment (especially when you are alone and don't have anybody else to connect with on this level or ever had before- which was my experience).

I hope what I said might prove food for thought.

ConfusedCollegeStudent

ConfusedCollegeStudent wrote: »

Every part of me wants to just be angry at him but I don't want to ruin a (great!) friendship. Maybe I should withdraw from him - not actively text him, not ask to meet up, and try become like normal friends.

You've no right to be angry at him for not investing as much as you are. Imagine if someone you knew was texting you, wanting to meet up all the time, being very dependent on you - it's not your responsibility to accommodate that. You like people as much as you like them, you can't change it. Fortunately your friend does like you, just not as much as you want him to. You mention "like normal friends" - you know he's straight, what other than being normal friends do you expect from him?

mrworldwide wrote: »

Again, depression and the novelty of actually not hiding your sexuality can make you needy and more vulnerable than others and many people would just think you're a bit of a psycho.

That sounds pretty familiar to me. I met a guy once who had just come out, he was pretty shy so I made an extra effort to be nice to him, include him (he only knew two people in the group well). In what I'm sure was just an effort to form connections with people, he became very very full on, to the point that even though I thought he was good fun and a nice guy before, I started avoiding him like the plague.

If you think you're developing feelings for your friend, I'm sure your friend has noticed too. That, coupled with being very dependent on him, getting put out with him when he doesn't want to meet up, is probably making him feel fed up, or maybe even uncomfortable with you. No matter how good a friend he is, it would bother anyone in his position.

Matteroffact

Sometimes when we sense that people are not reciprocating with us we can get obsessed, wondering if it is just our imagination or are they really not bothered. It would appear in this case that your friend isn't bothered to the same extent as you are. So it would be best to just leave it for a while and don't contact him unless he contacts you again. Give him space. Try and occupy yourself with other activities and if you lose this guy by not contacting him then you have to realize that this is what he wants. We cannot force people to be our friends, it has to come naturally. If you have to tell someone off for not wanting to meet you then I am afraid you are on a losing battle. This so called friend needs to be the one who contacts you again if he wants to see you. You have done enough.

Big Bag of Chips

I think he's avoiding you so as not to give you the "wrong impression". Even before you said you felt you were developing feelings for him, I suspected it from your post. Being so overly dependant on one friend can make things very very tiresome and 'heavy' for that person.

Whether or not he suspects you have feelings for him, he will almost certainly be uncomfortable with your level of dependency on him. Sending him angry texts isn't the way to go to convince someone to be your friend. If I got an angry text from someone because I wasn't available to them (even if it was just because I didn't want to, because I wasn't in the humour) it would not make me want to change my mind and hang out with them... It would make me want to avoid them more because to me, they just wouldn't be worth the drama.

Friendships, for the most part, should be fun and relaxed. Obviously there will be tough times in a 'best friend' relationship where you might need to support each other through tough times... But they should be occassional times. Friendship shouldn't be high pressure and tense. And I'm guessing that's how your friend feels around you.

Back off a bit. Make more friends. Join clubs and societies and don't depend so heavily on him for friendship. He obviously wants a friendship with you, he has mentioned a 'normal' friendship. Respect that. You are too full on for him.

LegacyUser

Hi,

it's the OP again - bumping this thread.

Things did get better between me and my friend - I backed off a little and things became more free and easy between us.

Until college started again after xmas, and he cancelled a few meetups etc. due to wanting to search for graduate jobs instead. I remained calm and breezy (even if I felt in my head it wasn't a great reason to call off short meetups).

Anyway, fast forward a few weeks and I hear he was offered (and accepted) a graduate job. Great news, delighted for him! Only he didn't tell me, and in fact told others to not tell me specifically (citing that I'm likely to get panicked as I didn't have a job lined up). I found out anyway, and he admitted to it after me asking him.

I waited about a week and told him I'm backing off from this friendship, because it wrecks my head. I told him I don't blame him at all, it's all me, and apologised for being such hard work. I felt like it was fairer to him and easier for me. He was nice about it, saying he'd be there for me if I wanted to restart things.

For about 2 months, we didn't text or talk - just occasional hellos and nods of heads when we'd see each other in class. I felt better - a great friend gone but my emotions were no longer messed up because of something I couldn't control. I'm quite a cold and emotionless person at the best of times, so I hate something that can get to me so easy when normally I'm so bulletproof.

Now, however, I'm about to finish college. I don't want to finish college with a sour relationship. I'm wondering if there's something I can do to make things friendly between us, obviously on a much more casual basis than before (the break did my head good I think!). I only see him at our final exams now, maybe I'll wait until we are finished exams and then say something?
Or should I send a casual text?

I think he'd be open to making things friendly again, I feel bad for acting the way I did when he's done nothing wrong and is such a solid friend.

Tokyo

Hey there OP,

these may not be the words you want to hear, but your friend may be quite happy with the status quo and not want to change it. He's asked friends not to tell you about his graduate job, he's accepted without objection you wanting to distance yourself from the friendship, and he hasn't tried to reconnect since.

There's no instant fix to "make" things friendly - friendship is something that evolves over time. You could perhaps text him and see if he'd be interested in joining you fro something noncommittal like a coffee after exams are over, but it's quite possible that he'll say no, out of concern that things will slip back into their old ways.

retro:electro

I can't believe you sent him an angry text because he wouldn't drop his books at your beck and call and meet up with you! Seriously OP who do you think you are?! You can't treat people like that, I know that's prob not why you want to hear but it's the truth. I would say just leave the friendship as it is now, you seem way too dependant on him.

LegacyUser

anna080 wrote: »

I can't believe you sent him an angry text because he wouldn't drop his books at your beck and call and meet up with you! Seriously OP who do you think you are?! You can't treat people like that, I know that's prob not why you want to hear but it's the truth. I would say just leave the friendship as it is now, you seem way too dependant on him.

A bit unfair perhaps? We've had plenty of good times, and have been friends for ages, yes I've had my not so nice moments but it isn't always like that.

He has mentioned that he misses our friendship (albeit drinking at the time). He does make more effort than I do now to chat to me etc. when I told him I was breaking the friendship off, he did say that stuff like this was nothing but a storm in a teacup in a friendship as strong as ours - it's not as if he was completely uninterested in me or glad to get rid of me.

I'm just trying to at least attempt to write a wrong I have made before finishing college. Worst comes to worst we don't become friends and I'm exactly where I am now. Maybe things will get better. I'm trying to ask for advice as to how to do it in a way that doesn't put him under pressure!

LegacyUser

OP, I think you are fooling yourself if you think you want to restart communication because of a fear of leaving it "sour". It doesn't sound sour at all actually - it sounds like two cordial acquaintances. You say hello when passing - and you've felt better than you have in ages.

What I think it is is underlying panic at college ending and.....thats that. You have realised that out in the real world your paths will not be crossing in the corridor.

I think your wish is self-destructive, and yes, drama-seeking. Cos again you'd be restarting the friendship with subliminal expectations for his behaviour, and if he doesn't meet them you'd be crushed again. Tell me, what is a "casual" friendship, exactly? How does that work in reality, when you're both working full time and living and working in different places?

Is it "liking" posts on FB? Or is it texting? Or is it the occasional pint? If so, who initiates the pints? Will it be problematic if he never likes your posts but he likes other peoples posts? or if he never texts that much, really? or if he never initiates the pints? I suspect it would be.

And I suspect you'd find yourself worrying about your place in his pecking order once again, and getting pissed off at him again.

There are some friendships that might work a few years into the future - but do not work that well in the here and now. I suspect this is one of them.

Next time you pass him in the corridor, say a cheery "best of luck in the exams" as you pass, and smile as he says "You too" but keep on walking then. And leave it so thereafter. Don't chase friendships that make you feel head wrecked, no matter how nice the guy. It doesn't matter what *they're* like, it only matters what *you're* like.

Merkin

I think while you have such strong feelings for him, it will do neither of you any good to try and rekndle the friendship when you secretly would prefer it to be more. You concede yourself that since you've extricated yourself you feel better. I would say you probably can be friends in the future but probably only when you have a boyfriend and no longer harbour any romantic feelings for this chap.

Lou.m

ConfusedCollegeStudent wrote: »

I have a college friend of about 3 years, let's call him Mark. I would consider Mark my best friend, I care more for him than any friend I've ever had.

We have good fun when we are together, and have helped each other through tough times as well. I was a help to him when he went through a bad breakup and became very depressed, and he later helped me when I was feeling depressed and gave me the courage to come out of the closet as gay (he's straight but easy-going and trustworthy so he was my natural choice of person to tell first).

However, while he would consider me a close friend he wouldn't consider me his best friend. Recently, I have been asking him a lot to meet up with me just for the chats. However, no matter how flexible I was with dates/times/locations he always claimed to be busy with unavoidable events, and then went on to say that his study comes first. If he asked me to meet up I would pretty much drop everything to do so, which is why I get a bit annoyed when he seems to prioritise everything above meeting me. I got pretty annoyed with him putting books over friends so I sent fairly angry texts - he said I was taking it too personally and he wanted to put the issue behind us so as not to ruin a good friendship - I agreed.

The next day I heard that he sent a card in the post to another guy in our class, Jack, for his 22nd birthday. I'm ashamed to say that this upset me a lot, as he didn't send me anything for my 21st (Even though me and Jack sent him the same card for his 21st, put money in it, and it was me that actually went to the post office to post it). When he didn't send me something for my 21st, I didn't think too much of it, but hearing that he has since sent something for Jack's 22nd birthday made me angry and sad.
I have done more for this guy than any of his college friends.

I care about this guy more than I should, more than with my other friends. It's gotten to the stage where small things he does make me down (and I am not a sensitive person, and if it was anyone else it wouldn't bother me at all). I'm starting to think/worry that I have feelings for him, like I want to be more than friends (which is a destructive thought process).

What do I do? Every part of me wants to just be angry at him but I don't want to ruin a (great!) friendship. Maybe I should withdraw from him - not actively text him, not ask to meet up, and try become like normal friends. I don't want to gradually fall out of friendship either.

In summary; my overly strong feelings for a friend have led to him having a bigger influence on my mood than I want (or that he or anyone else would understand). What should I do?

You have strong feelings for something who is not sexually orientated towards your gender. You must take yourself away. It is destructive for you and for him.

It is clear you have feelings for him. And it's clear you are not satisfied with the extent of his feelings for you. You deserve more than he can give you.

He is not expressing enough feeling for you to reciprocate the way you are.

Think of his feelings. He has not done anything wrong and was there for you.

If he got a girlfriend how would you feel? Because that will happen.

Being open does take away a shield. I would advise you to meet more gay people. They will understand your feelings.

Did you think perhaps he did not send a card because he did not want to make it awkward etc. Perhaps he feels your feelings are deepening and he does not want you to get too attached?

You need to be ok about not being able to control others. Even in a relationship you will not be able to do that.

He possibly felt sending angry texts was abusive and childish and felt it was a shabby way to treat him after he had helped you through bad times. Try and see things from his perspective.

LegacyUser

Lou.m wrote: »

You have strong feelings for something who is not sexually orientated towards your gender. You must take yourself away. It is destructive for you and for him.

It is clear you have feelings for him. And it's clear you are not satisfied with the extent of his feelings for you. You deserve more than he can give you.

He is not expressing enough feeling for you to reciprocate the way you are.

Think of his feelings. He has not done anything wrong and was there for you.

If he got a girlfriend how would you feel? Because that will happen.

Being open does take away a shield. I would advise you to meet more gay people. They will understand your feelings.

Did you think perhaps he did not send a card because he did not want to make it awkward etc. Perhaps he feels your feelings are deepening and he does not want you to get too attached?

You need to be ok about not being able to control others. Even in a relationship you will not be able to do that.

He possibly felt sending angry texts was abusive and childish and felt it was a shabby way to treat him after he had helped you through bad times. Try and see things from his perspective.

Thanks for the answers everyone, appreciate the help in trying to sort this out.

I don't think I have sexual feelings towards him. I know I wondered did I in my original posts, but I think I'm just attracted to him as a person, I just really like him and click with him more than I do with other people - like as if we were as close as brothers.

I wouldn't feel jealous if he had a girlfriend, I have no doubts about his sexuality and or have any unrealistic expectations about what our friendship could be.

I think I may have misaligned people in this thread by mentioning that I'm gay earlier. To be honest I can't categorically say I do or don't have feelings for him but I don't think that's the issue.

What Sherfar said about being panicked about finishing college hit home more than I thought it would - I think he's onto something. I never thought of that, and it saddens me slightly - sexuality aside, I just miss my friend and feel ashamed the way I acted. I feel like he blame himself more than he should for our friendship ending. I think his true opinion of me is that he thinks I'm a good guy, perhaps who takes things too personally at times.

There's a class holiday coming up and he'll be on it also. Maybe that'll be a happy medium for stress-free and easygoing getting along together. Maybe it'll be nice if we are on better terms before then. Maybe I'll rock the boat too much by trying to clear the air beforehand?

Lou.m

ConfusedCollegeStudent wrote: »

Thanks for the answers everyone, appreciate the help in trying to sort this out.

I don't think I have sexual feelings towards him. I know I wondered did I in my original posts, but I think I'm just attracted to him as a person, I just really like him and click with him more than I do with other people - like as if we were as close as brothers.

I wouldn't feel jealous if he had a girlfriend, I have no doubts about his sexuality and or have any unrealistic expectations about what our friendship could be.

I think I may have misaligned people in this thread by mentioning that I'm gay earlier. To be honest I can't categorically say I do or don't have feelings for him but I don't think that's the issue.

What Sherfar said about being panicked about finishing college hit home more than I thought it would - I think he's onto something. I never thought of that, and it saddens me slightly - sexuality aside, I just miss my friend and feel ashamed the way I acted. I feel like he blame himself more than he should for our friendship ending. I think his true opinion of me is that he thinks I'm a good guy, perhaps who takes things too personally at times.

There's a class holiday coming up and he'll be on it also. Maybe that'll be a happy medium for stress-free and easygoing getting along together. Maybe it'll be nice if we are on better terms before then. Maybe I'll rock the boat too much by trying to clear the air beforehand?

I appreciate you making the situation more clear. Apologies if I saw it at the wrong angle.

I guess you both have to be happy with whatever way things work out. Don't over think things I think that is what got you in the first place.

LegacyUser

Lou.m wrote: »

I appreciate you making the situation more clear. Apologies if I saw it at the wrong angle.

I guess you both have to be happy with whatever way things work out. Don't over think things I think that is what got you in the first place.

No worries, if I'm not fully sure of what is going on in my head how can I expect others to be! I think me typing out the situation and getting feedback from other knowledgeable people is helping me figure stuff out.

To clarify, apart from finishing college, another reason why I'm thinking about this all of a sudden is that he has been in an accident recently and is on crutches. It's not too serious, I don't think, and I only found out when I saw him at the exams on crutches. I didn't really say anything to him about it, so I know very little details. I've helped him carry stuff into and out of the exam hall, but only because our surnames are next to each other alphabetically and thus we sit next to one another in the exam hall.

Thoughts came to my mind of extending an offer to maybe visit him and play xbox some day after exams (non-commital) if he wanted, in an aim to perhaps put the nasty stuff behind us. From thinking about it aloud here that may be a bit too strong and pressuring (I've only been at his family home once, it's just I was thinking he might be bored being so housebound), but something along those lines perhaps.

Rubberchikken

Try to keep things cool.
The harder you seemed to try the more your friend backed off. Calling aroubd to play xbox sounds good. Good luck

Lou.m

Yeah try xbox leave it casual :-)

Big Bag of Chips

I think this is one of those friendships that will just fizzle out when you leave college and are no longer in daily contact. It has already fizzled out with you being polite, but distant, nodding to each other in class etc.

I think him saying things like a friendship "as strong as yours" not being affected by whatever, is just words. Words said to try make you feel better. But I would guess that now he is happy that things have cooled off between you. If he is not approaching you to try smooth things over and get back to a "normal friendship", then he doesn't want a "normal friendship" with you. He wants you to be an acquaintance. Someone he acknowledges when he sees you, but doesn't want you getting too close.

Let this one go. Wish him well in his job and leave knowing that you are not going to be meeting up after college.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the answers everyone.

I've decided I won't actively try to make amends, I'll just 'treat' us as acquaintances and treat him as friendly as I would anyone I'd consider an acquaintance.

I'm sure we'll see each other around over the next while, and if our friendly banter naturally leads to lead to our friendship resuming, then so be it, and if it doesn't, then so be it also! There's no point trying to control something that I have no control over, no matter how much I wish I did.

He text me a happy birthday today - I really don't know what goes on in his head but from thinking about it aloud here, I suppose he is happier with the status quo now, he doesn't bear hard feelings at all really but it's probably just the way things are meant to be!

Thanks again. And to clarify - I am a nice person in general and am well-liked by most, I know I'm not painting myself in shining colours here !

Big Bag of Chips

I have no doubt you are a nice fella! And your friend obviously thought you were a nice lad too if your friendship was that strong. It's just you sort of lost the run of yourself a small bit

You've become a bit more self-aware though now and are unlikely to make the same mistake again.

Not many people are capable of admitting their faults and turning things around, so you should be commended for that. All the best for when you finish college.

LegacyUser

Thanks again to everyone who replied.

Just to update, exams have been finished now for just over a week.

We are back on much better terms now. Just from generic chit-chat between nights out, and from when a group of us met for lunch.

We have just been having the bants like we would have before the 'break' - we haven't discussed anything serious nor do I intend to. He did mention that he was sorry for all he's done and I just told him there's no need to be, the fault lies with my reaction and I'm sorry and swiftly moved on.

I'm quite happy with the situation - he obviously cares about me to have resumed the friendship easily. When we are together, we get on very well - it was like there was no gap in our friendship at all. Which is both a great thing, and a dangerous thing, as I'll have to make sure not to make any of my original mistakes. I'll make extra sure to ensure I don't push the friendship beyond being relaxed and easy.

We may not be 'best friends' like I may have once thought (however inaccurately) in my head, but we are very good friends, and at least now there's no ill feelings on either side, even if the friendship does fizzle out someday!