Husband is a Gibsh*te

Shell_

Right guys I need some sound advice here.. I am married to a right eejit. (4YRS) He is the most shallow guy you could imagine. Every day he will roar at myself and my children (his step children) over even the smallest if things. He has awful language outbursts at all of us, it doesn't matter where we are, shop etc he has no bother causing a scene.. He frequently calls my kids names, pushes them around, slaps them at times too. I obviously stand up for them and for myself but he will always give me an excuse as to why hes justified with his horrible behaviour. But bizarrely if we are around around neighbours, school teacher's, doctors etc he is seriously to nice to my kids.. (makes me sick)
I used to be so nice to him and very respectful but I changed that toward him after a year of mental/verbal/physical abuse. So now If he is rotten toward me I give him rotten right back. I have no feelings other than indifference for him. He promised a thousand times he would change but never lasted more than 1 minute. I even caught him making a pass at someone upstairs in our house (I was entertaining HIS family downstairs when he did this) ..Unbeknownst to him I am leaving. I know I will get the usual "I'll change" crapology.. my question is when I leave if he carries through with the therapy he promised he'd seek.. Is there a chance someone like that can really change..?? I really don't no if I would give my marriage another bash if I thought he'd improve, id have to see. (he's 33, and His family told me he has been like this all of his life) there are some more really horrible things hes done that Ive left out too.. I have no experience/knowledge of anyone changing dramatically.. I don't wanna waste anymore of my life on someone who cant change.. Anybody no is this kinda change possible..??

MagicMarker

Who cares if it's possible? He's an arsehole who's abusive towards you and your kids. You're better off without him.

im confused again

Sounds like you should have left a long time ago, but you tried your best to make your marriage work.

At this stage though you have no alternative but to leave, or kick him out. You cannot continue to live under those circumstances. There are plenty of nice guys out there that will respect you and treat you properly. Now is not the time for another guy. Seperate, get your life together and then see how you feel about a possible new relationship.

He's not a gob****e, he's a monster!!

username123

Even if he could change - whats to then stop him changing back?

For me the bottom line is that he is capable of this behaviour at all - why would you stay with someone like that?

heretochat

im confused again wrote: »

He's not a gob****e, he's a monster!!

Agree with this 100%... The likes of him will never change in my opinion and you have put up with his nonsense for far too long.. Your primary duty now is to yourself and your children.

Oink

Let me quote your post:

Do you love him:
“He is the most shallow guy you could imagine”
“I have no feelings other than indifference for him”

Is he good to you and the kids:
“Every day he will roar at myself and my children”
“a year of mental/verbal/physical abuse”
"I even caught him making a pass at someone"

Will he change:
“I know I will get the usual "I'll change" carpology”
“His family told me he has been like this all of his life”
“He promised a thousand times he would change but never lasted more than 1 minute.”


But most importantly: Imagine the nightmare your kids are living, not knowing what's coming next. They have no-one else to turn to than you. If you don't get them out of this hell away from that sack of ----, who will?

And please... Please... Who cares about his feelings at this stage, whether he says he will change or what. WHO CARES!!! Keep him away from the kids!

Stavro Mueller

So why did you marry him? How long did it take him for the mask to slip and him to show his true colours. It's interesting that he behaves like butter wouldn't melt in his mouth when others are around. He knows how to behave when it suits him...

To be honest, if your kids were my nieces or nephews I'd not be responsible for my actions. Do you realise what sort of damage you are doing to those kids by keeping them in this horrible environment? So bloody what if you're standing up for yourself. You're not giving your kids much protection are you? You're subjecting them to a home where their stepfather is terrorising them. He's verbally abusing them and hitting them. God only knows what sort of psychological damage he is doing to them, not to mention giving them a jaundiced view of relationships.

You sound like you'd stay in this toxic marriage if there's even the slightest chink of light. To be honest this man sounds like he's just a bad egg. Seeing as his own family say he has been like this all his life, do you really think he can change his basic personality? Stop deluding yourself.

Chara1001

OP, just get your kids and get out. Leave him as you mean to and forget about his 'changing' crap.

You and your kids are in an abusive household, get them out of it and don't look back.

The Corinthian

Shell_ wrote: »

he's 33, and His family told me he has been like this all of his life

If he's been like this all his life, why did you marry him?

My experience is that people can't hide personality traits like this for long periods of time, so presuming you didn't get married within weeks of meeting him, did this issue rear it's head beforehand, given he's been like this all his life? I'd find it incredible if it didn't.

If he's not always been like this, then there's been a change - have you explored this? Why he may have changed and what can be done, together, to deal with it?

How long are you together overall?

bnagrrl

He might change for the better. And then he might change back. Just leave OP. You and your kids deserve better.

Merkin

Shell_ wrote: »

he's 33, and His family told me he has been like this all of his life

And why on earth do you think he'd change now?

Pack his bags, tell him to fcuk off and start separation proceedings. Nothing more I can say really, it should be as obvious as the nose on your face.

Neyite

Abusive partners don't change. Some can, but only after years and years of counselling to change the habits of a lifetime.

So yeah, let him "change" all he likes. He can change into a sparkly unicorn for all you care, because what you have to do is put your kids and you first.

He has been verbally and physically abusive to children and to you.

Please contact your local Womens Aid branch and speak to somebody there. I did, and it changed my life completely. I am safe and loved and have a home environment where my child is protected, nurtured and adored. Wouldn't Christmas be wonderful if it was just you and the children? Have a read of their website, you will find a lot of it resonates with your situation.

I would also recommend a book called "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft. It can better explain the psychology of the abuser than I ever could. It will also answer your question of why its unlikely he will change.

Finally, be careful. abuse can often escalate if the abuser gets wind that you are planning to leave. Delete your internet history, speak to a friend about leaving a stash of clothes for you and the children, along with important paperwork you might need. You may never need this, but just in case.

deisemum

All this talk of hoping he'll change if he has therapy is just another excuse for you to stick it out. Fair enough if you want to stay in an abusive relationship that's your choice but your innocent children have no choice and you've failed them by putting up with this abuse for as long as you have.

Your first priority is to start being a good parent to your children and get them away from that nasty bully asap. If you don't then you've got to accept that you're just as bad for condoning it. All your so called standing up to him has failed as he's still at it and he will not change. What sort of parent do you want to be?

bumper234

I didn't read past where you said he raises his hands to your kids. Can he change? Possibly. 2ill he change? Very doubtful. Stop thinking about him stop thinking about yourself and just think about your kids. Do they deserve xxxx more years of this abuse?

Taltos

Step back a moment - if you witnessed someone constantly roaring abuse at children what would you do?
Reckon you might just call social services...

I think you only have one sane option here - end it, leave or get him out, allow your children to grow up in a stable happy environment instead of having to be bullied by this thicko.

Big Bag of Chips

Forget about you and him for a minute. The one thing I can 100% guarantee you is that if you don't stop his behaviour towards your children they will blame YOU, when they are older.

They will hate him. But they will blame you. You are their mother. You are the one who brought him into their lives, and so far, in their eyes, you are the one allowing him to treat them badly.

Re read Neyite's post, and do as she suggests.

Shell_

I appreciate all advice, my children are my main priority. I remained in my marriage (once I saw the real him) as I really thought we where enough of a reason for him to change. I didnt see this side to him until after my 1st wedding anniversary. I always knew he was highly strung and a bit hyper but at no time did he show signs of violence etc until after our 1st anniversary. Secondly, maybe I didnt point this out but when I mentioned I stand up to him I also meant I bloody well stand up to him and always try my best to protect my children too. I Literally will stand in front of them if I feel they are under any threat. I have had talks with my kids to make sure that they know normal family life is not like that. They dont want to leave our home and I don't either but ultimately I will close the door on my marriage. I took my question to Boards because I wanted to find out if a serious personality change is possible, I think think there was something in me wanting to be 1000,000% sure before I left. As I said, my husband is an eejit, I really felt when I was seeing this awful side to him that I could fix that, somehow. Emotionally I am a wreck now, its so easy for some people to say "kick him out" "your damaging your kids" "tell him to f*ck off".. its not as black and white as it seems. Its taken me a long time to build some guts to decide I can really go. But trust me when I say, even though it doesn't happen every time, I never know what reaction I'll receive from him when I stand up for myself. I didnt know the extent of how frightened I am of his temper and what it could do to my babies..until.. I read all of the the responses. And now my heart is broken because my kids went through that. I dunno why I needed to know if he could change. I also dunno why I thought that that marriage just had to remain a work in progress. Maybe its because there are no marriages within my family and extended family that have ever separated. It would seem it was I that needed to change. Thank you for all if your umput.

Shell_

Neyite wrote: »

Abusive partners don't change. Some can, but only after years and years of counselling to change the habits of a lifetime.

So yeah, let him "change" all he likes. He can change into a sparkly unicorn for all you care, because what you have to do is put your kids and you first.

He has been verbally and physically abusive to children and to you.

Please contact your local Womens Aid branch and speak to somebody there. I did, and it changed my life completely. I am safe and loved and have a home environment where my child is protected, nurtured and adored. Wouldn't Christmas be wonderful if it was just you and the children? Have a read of their website, you will find a lot of it resonates with your situation.

I would also recommend a book called "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft. It can better explain the psychology of the abuser than I ever could. It will also answer your question of why its unlikely he will change.

Finally, be careful. abuse can often escalate if the abuser gets wind that you are planning to leave. Delete your internet history, speak to a friend about leaving a stash of clothes for you and the children, along with important paperwork you might need. You may never need this, but just in case.

I wont be telling him I am leaving. He has said (in anger) that if I left he'd find me etc. He said I wouldn't know what hit me. But I I told myself he said that because I had hurt his feelings or something. BUT, I now know its it's stupid to stay. Thank you for your advice.

Neyite

You are no different from the rest of us. Took me a while to see it, and we split and reconciled before I realised it was all show. I didn't have kids though, but when I realised that would be their future if we did, it spurred me on.

It ok to try, and its ok to admit you can't fix something as big as this, that all you can do is walk away. But that takes time sometimes.

Stavro Mueller

OP..Women's Aid can be called on 1800 341 900 10am to 10pm. If you take any advice at all from this thread, please take what Neyite said. I know the issue's not as cut and dried for you but I hope this thread has made you realise just how wrong things are. I hope you find the strength to do something positive about your situation soon. Take care.

deisemum

Shell_ wrote: »

I wont be telling him I am leaving. He has said (in anger) that if I left he'd find me etc. He said I wouldn't know what hit me. But I I told myself he said that because I had hurt his feelings or something. BUT, I now know its it's stupid to stay. Thank you for your advice.

You should report that to the gardai so that it's on record.

LegacyUser

OP: Please leave as quick as you can. I know how difficult it is to stand in between a raging man and (in my case his) children. Just get out of there ASAP. You and your children will recover, and be closer, in time. Best of luck.

Media999

Even if he does "change" and you get back for a while heres what will happen.

He will make it as hard as possible for you to leave again bit by bit.
Maybe encourage you to not hold a few savings that could be used to move etc..

Poor kids.

stargazer 68

OP I have a friend who, if you met her, would never think she would take some of the beatings her ex husband gave her! Really strong business woman etc. She thought she could change him - he even gave her a black eye on their wedding night!

Her daughter was about three when she finally plucked up the courage to leave. He threw a knife at her and it stuck in the back of her leg - her daughter had been standing beside her and could easily have been hit with the knife and he simply didn't care. That moment she picked up the baby and walked out of the house and never went back. Left with absolutely nothing but it didnt matter- believe me she picked herself up again!

Don't wait until something drastic happens.

Pixie Chief

People don't change, not ever really, at the core of them. What they can do is face who they are and work to correct some of the things about themselves that they don't like.....if they are self aware and determined enough.

At a simplistic level, for example, I have a really ugly temper. It hasn't been seen for years because I don't like it or myself when I lose it but its still there. I haven't magically changed into someone who doesn't have one.

Do abusive people tend to make that choice? I don't know the numbers but they would be very small. People are abusive because they don't really care about the people in their lives and relationships with them, only getting what they want.

Incidentally, my ex also told me that he would find me and kill me if I took 'his' kids away as they were so important to him. I'm still standing and so are they. Is he any different? No. He just doesn't have any power over me so can't carry on the way he once did but he is exactly the same alone with the kids.....don't make Daddy angry!

God, it was hard at the time but looking back easiest thing I ever did. I had no idea how I would cope with everything on my own but one day I realised that I had always been on my own and handicapped by a pretend adult.

It's easy for people to rush to judgement but they don't realise how subtle and slow a process it is, being controlled. The very moment you take control and leave, all your lives will change for the better. Don't be afraid to call in favours, ring the guards, get friends to stay over or escort you places. It won't take long before he realises that he isn't going to get you alone to intimidate you back or manipulate you. Best of luck and thinking of you and the little peeps. This is rock bottom, it gets better from here xx

Obliq

Shell_ wrote: »

..Unbeknownst to him I am leaving. I know I will get the usual "I'll change" crapology.. my question is when I leave if he carries through with the therapy he promised he'd seek.. Is there a chance someone like that can really change..?? I really don't no if I would give my marriage another bash if I thought he'd improve, id have to see. (he's 33, and His family told me he has been like this all of his life) there are some more really horrible things hes done that Ive left out too.. I have no experience/knowledge of anyone changing dramatically.. I don't wanna waste anymore of my life on someone who cant change.. Anybody no is this kinda change possible..??

No. No chance he'll change. F*ck the therapy, get out of there with your kids ASAP. You are describing a situation where once it was "only" him being abusive towards you and your kids (bad enough), and now it is both of you carrying on and giving each other hell in front of them. Who are you kidding? Do your kids deserve this?

I was in a situation where this kind of mutual abuse was happening, and I was as much at fault for staying in it as he was for being such a bollix. We both tried counselling, but essentially it wasn't going to work. I went through a stage of staying for the sake of the children (thinking it was important to try and keep family together) and ended up leaving for the sake of the children (that they wouldn't be witnessing and experiencing the emotional and physical abuse). Don't leave it too long, just go. Your kids will possibly need help getting over what they've already seen, never mind any more of it. Mine still do. Get the f*ck out is my advice - take it or leave it.

Ps. Like a previous poster mentioned - be careful about violence over you leaving. I had to have help from my bro - getting the kids out first and away to his place to stay while I snuck out some important stuff before he knew what was going on. Then my bro was there while I told him I was leaving/had left. This is important if you are afraid. HAVE back-up sorted first. Good luck - thinking of you.

Stavro Mueller

Obliq wrote: »

...You are describing a situation where once it was "only" him being abusive towards you and your kids (bad enough), and now it is both of you carrying on and giving each other hell in front of them. Who are you kidding? Do your kids deserve this?

^^ This.

The above poster's comment is something I feel you need to have a bit think about. The following quite is disturbing in its own way. Not just because of what is going on here but because of your take on things.

Secondly, maybe I didn't point this out but when I mentioned I stand up to him I also meant I bloody well stand up to him and always try my best to protect my children too. I Literally will stand in front of them if I feel they are under any threat. I have had talks with my kids to make sure that they know normal family life is not like that.

The only way kids learn what family life should be like is when they're experiencing it for themselves. It's a no-brainer that their stepfather's a parent from hell. But equally, you're doing them absolutely no favours. They're kids. No amount of words and talks about what family life should be like can undo the harm of experiencing what they're going through. Having to listen to mum and stepdad screaming abuse at each other is not right. Nor is the undercurrent of violence that seems to be there. I mean, you're talking here about standing in front of them to protect them from your husband! Taking pride in how you stand up for yourself in these rows and give as good as you get is utterly irrelevant. It's disturbing that you've conditioned yourself to think in this way actually.

I noticed as well that you call your husband things like eejit and gob****e. Now where I come from, these are on the milder end of the scale when it comes to terms of abuse. Are you downplaying things? Just like you're trying to convince yourself that someone like this can be fixed?

Obliq

cymbaline wrote: »

Taking pride in how you stand up for yourself in these rows and give as good as you get is utterly irrelevant. It's disturbing that you've conditioned yourself to think in this way actually.

^^^ This too. I'm not thanking cymbaline's post here out of some kind of mutual appreciation pact - I'm quoting this bit because although it's painful to admit it, this was me. I had conditioned myself to think (after SEVEN years of escalating control and abuse towards me and the kids) that it was all him and that standing up to him was a good idea. NOPE. It wasn't.

When I stood in front of the kids to "deflect" the abuse onto me, I demonstrated to them that their mother could be JUST as violent and abusive as him. It was only when I left that I demonstrated that their mother thought this kind of behaviour was unacceptable. Kids in abusive homes will nod their heads and smile at whoever is telling them "their side". They don't know which way th'f*ck is up, and that's conditioning too. Believe me, I don't feel too proud of my years letting them live through this, but my only way of living with myself over it is the knowledge that I had been conditioned by the circumstances as well and that I got them out as soon as I copped what I was really showing them by "standing up" to him.

Abigayle

Shell_ wrote: »

Emotionally I am a wreck now, its so easy for some people to say "kick him out" "your damaging your kids" "tell him to f*ck off".. its not as black and white as it seems. Its taken me a long time to build some guts to decide I can really go.

If you knew how often a victim of emotional abuse says that statement you wouldn't question leaving again. I've said almost what you've said word for word.

Let me give you a piece of advice. My ex took around 13yrs of my life away, imprisoning me mentally into taking the abuse which I internalised - making me feel I couldn't leave or be able to do without him. I kept going back for more of it, based on more lies and 'you know I love you's," and I will change .. Blah blah fücking blah. When I look back on it all I still feel shameful I let someone do that to me.

But I GOT OUT. I'm back to myself again, confidence and self esteem is back, and a new HAPPY relationship for the last few years.

I had a sliver of strength one day a few years back and so much anger that when he was out I changed the locks. That day I felt scared and afraid for the future, but I didn't let him back in. Into my home but most importantly not in my head again. Don't believe the lies.

Protect your children, and yourself. You are the one that is supposed to keep them from harm, this requires big decisions and life changes, but you HAVE to do it for them and yourself. You will never have a happy home with him in it. As the others have said, the children will grow up and blame you for letting him do this.

Get STRONG and make changes. Take care of yourself and your children OP.

January

OP if you think your husband will harm you if you try to leave try to get a protection/safety order in place before you do.