Advice on how to get through Xmas post break up

LegacyUser

Could really do with some advice here, head is a mess.

Long story cut short;30, recent breakup with partner of 8years; from same town, share same friends, families connected; basically it's impossible for us to completley 'lose contact'..thankfully neither of us want that, and we are still good mates. However, regardless, a break up is still incredibly hard. The past 8 plus years, we both head home to our own families for a 2 week period (Im in the UK). My Xmases have generally been spent mostly between my own house and staying over and having meals at his house, the rest of the time with our friends. Naturally, that will be very different this year. Other years, I often spent more time in his house with his family, as my siblings go back to their own cities and jobs in and around the 27th/28th, so I sorta hang about busying myself. My parents too, go back to their jobs. Ive always found it long and would liked to have gone somewhere for a long weekend or something, but understandably he wanted to spend it with his family so I obliged.

This year, I do not know what to do. I am at a loss and tearing up typing this. Ive not much money at the moment, and know I need to put that into flying home to spend time with my family. Ive thought about flying back to the UK and maybe spending a weekend with friends, but they are all married now and having family time with new babies/extended families etc. So I guess a feel really isolated and dont want to gatecrash. I though about booking a cheap deal to somewhere sunny but scared I'll be depressed and feel like an absolute loser and loner. My own family are delighted to have me home, of course, but two weeks is a long time to have a 30 year old hanging about while they all get on with their lives and jobs.

I could come back to the UK early, but again Id be alone and have my time off work; all my friends would be back in Ireland with their families. Same with New Years. Maybe I should.

I really dont know what to do.

Sorry if I come across feeling sorry for myself, I am feeling it today, having been so positve and upbeat for such a long time.

Ande1975

Op,

First of all - I'm sorry to hear that your relationship ended and I know how difficult it is to go from being a twosome to a onesome.
At 30 you are still very young and you have spent most of your adult life as part of a couple. You have been given a wonderful opportunity to experience life as an independent, strong woman who has so much to look forward to.

Now replace the words loser and loner with lucky and exciting. No person needs another to be accepted. I am single and soon to be 40 and I never think like that and rarely people ever question if I am lonely.
Its a very hard pill to swallow when you are used to being in a relationship but believe me 30+ will be some of the best years of your life. Its in this time that you really come into your own, decide what you want and then you meet the man for you. The difference is, after you experience being independent, you realise there is nothing to be afraid of once a relationship breaks down.

You aren't the first person to be on their own and you won't be the last. Also I think you are underestimating your friends and family. They would love to have you around.
Remember this is only one Christmas and decide to do things you never thought you could as a couple.
This is only temporary and its a big adjustment but believe me you'll feel the better for it.

Good luck

paperclip2

OP my daughter is in college, but comes home every weekend. I still cant wait for the Christmas holidays when she'll be home for at least 2 weeks. I'd say that your family would be thrilled to have you at home for a fortnight or longer if they could keep you.

Take care.

LegacyUser

I have been in exactly that position. I'm not going to sugarcoat it, it is difficult. When you're used to having your partner and then they're gone christmas can be hard, you;ll be reminded of your usual traditions and you'll be trying to be upbeat and enjoy the holiday time but you'll feel lonely and sad. Having said all that, start some new traditions! See if your family might like to do something a bit different, for example, if you always spent christmas eve with his parents why not see if your own family or friends will do something, go ice skaking, to the pub, carol singing, into town to see the lights, bring one of your friends kids to the panto, whatever it might be....

A sun holiday the week after christmas is an excellent idea, it'll give you something to look forward to during the holidays, fill that gap before going back to work and give you some vitamin D which is very necessary to cheer us up! Do you have a friend who might be free to go with you? You must know some single people, even if they're in your extended social circle, they might be wanting to do the same but also want someone to go with.

I split with my partner of 13 years two an a half years ago. The first christmas was very difficult, the second one much easier, this year it's hardly on my radar to be honest.

Also, I'm sure your family and friends are well aware that it'll be hard for you. If not then let them know! They'll come through for you Busy yourself, make loads of plans and enjoy! Best of luck. I can empathise. x

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone. I felt pretty low about it all this morning.

I know my parents won't mind me around, they'll love it, but last year they admitted they felt sorry for me as all my friends had new families/were away on trips. My parents and siblings had to go back to work on the 28th ish, naturally enough and will again this year. I feel Im wasting my time waiting about for my flight back to the UK on Jan 5th or whatever. Im not exaggerating, believe me, I would look for the best in the situation but I am currently the only person in my group without their own child/family; I do make efforts to meet them and spend time and babysit (I have my parents etc so it's not bad, but you must know what i mean!) (We do have traditions etc but as my parents don't drink they don't like going out very much)

I really think I should spent one week at home, then head off somewhere when my family and siblings go back to work, then maybe go back to the UK and save my Annual Leave for another time. I just am battling I think with the loneliess and the shock as well as not wanting to feel down at an already emotional time.

Replies have been so kind and helpful, esp Ande 1975, you've made me think different.

Ann84

I am sorry your having such a hard time, xmas is really hard as there is such a routine... it will be hard, but your obviously trying to make the best of it which is the best way to be!

A holiday might be a good idea, the Canaries are lovely over/ after Christmas, low - mid 20's.... a break from the routine (now pressure!) and get you started on the new year in style!
My Dad is going to Lanzarote this Christmas, on his own just because he is sick of the pressure of having to go around visiting people, I have to admit, it has an appeal!


Hope you feel better soon,

Degringola

OP could you take up something challenging you haven't done already eg. a long weekend skiing, I believe there are good deals from UK/London, either by bus or by plane.

Degringola

Or another suggestion, OP, my hairdresser here in Surrey, with grown-up family spends every Christmas volunteering with a soup kitchen or somesuch up in London. No doubt there is a need for this into the New Year.

Est28

Sorry to hear that OP. It's tough of course.

Firstly, I'd say cut the contact. I know you said there is a lot intertwined so obviously it's not easy but there's no need to force "being mates". Especially if your families see each other a lot, then it might be worth explaining that while it's ok to be civil and friendly, being so intertwined isn't helping you move on.
Actually people do it a lot because it feels like it makes things easier but you can never get over it.

Secondly, it's probably a good time to start a "new you". That sounds corny, I know... but go travelling like you said! Or just go back to the UK and have some nights on the town, away from him, his family, those friends, etc... like just let it out and have fun... whether thats having some parties, exercising, going somewhere new. But absolutely, go do it yourself... you're too locked into your old life... go see how great things can be, you can do all sorts you couldn't before.