Frustrating marriage

LegacyUser

I am married to my wife for 17 years and we have 2 lovely children under 13.
We have had frequent long "dry spells" (of over a year in many cases) with regards to physical intimacy.
On one hand this may be purely down to mis-matched sex drives.
However, the length of the abstinence has been a constant worry and stress for me and affects my self esteem.
The relationship was good in this respect for the first 18months to 2yrs.

Things drifted and in between these spells of no intimacy the best it ever recovered to was maybe once per month.
On the whole we live a busy but civil existence but I realise that the kids must pick up on a certain air of coolness because that kind of stress is hard for both of us to cover up.
If it ever surpassed that it was during the time my wife was trying to conceive (over 10 yrs ago) and also 4-5 years ago when we tried again but weren't successful.

Normally what breaks the cycle is that I eventually lose patience after a year or more rolls on and I have no choice but to raise this "elephant in the room" with my dear wife.
This time, maybe 6 weeks ago we had a discussion and I managed to keep it calm.
My wife cited stress, tiredness and separately that I needed to be more spontaneous and surprising. I definitely take the latter item on board.

We did make love a week after that and on one other occasion a few days later but I am certain that the second occasion was purely to appease me and she said as much.
I fear now that everything will drift back into, 2 months -none, 3 months - none ,6mths,etc..

The more worrying thing for me is that she said that she places sex very low down the priority list and that she feels genetically programmed (to paraphrase) to not have an interest in sex.
What concerns me is that she seems so complacent in defining her libido and doesn't ever seem to wish to address this by raising it with (for example, female GP).
I feel that she is putting her head in the sand as to how it affects me and that if tables were turned and I had a male sexual libido issue and she was trying to conceive that I wouldn't be long without hints of visiting GP, etc.

beks101

The amount of sexless marriage threads around here is almost alarming. So rest assured at least that you're not alone.

This seems to be a very long-term problem in your marriage. You need to fully stress now much of a problem this is to your wife, so that she understands it's either she makes an effort to change, or she loses you. Be very firm about how much this is affecting you. Marriage counselling is something you should think about and broach with her.

Cold Chocolate

needstobesaid wrote: »

I am married to my wife for 17 years and we have 2 lovely children under 13.
We have had frequent long "dry spells" (of over a year in many cases) with regards to physical intimacy.
On one hand this may be purely down to mis-matched sex drives.
However, the length of the abstinence has been a constant worry and stress for me and affects my self esteem.
The relationship was good in this respect for the first 18months to 2yrs.

Things drifted and in between these spells of no intimacy the best it ever recovered to was maybe once per month.
On the whole we live a busy but civil existence but I realise that the kids must pick up on a certain air of coolness because that kind of stress is hard for both of us to cover up.
If it ever surpassed that it was during the time my wife was trying to conceive (over 10 yrs ago) and also 4-5 years ago when we tried again but weren't successful.

Normally what breaks the cycle is that I eventually lose patience after a year or more rolls on and I have no choice but to raise this "elephant in the room" with my dear wife.
This time, maybe 6 weeks ago we had a discussion and I managed to keep it calm.
My wife cited stress, tiredness and separately that I needed to be more spontaneous and surprising. I definitely take the latter item on board.

We did make love a week after that and on one other occasion a few days later but I am certain that the second occasion was purely to appease me and she said as much.
I fear now that everything will drift back into, 2 months -none, 3 months - none ,6mths,etc..

The more worrying thing for me is that she said that she places sex very low down the priority list and that she feels genetically programmed (to paraphrase) to not have an interest in sex.
What concerns me is that she seems so complacent in defining her libido and doesn't ever seem to wish to address this by raising it with (for example, female GP).
I feel that she is putting her head in the sand as to how it affects me and that if tables were turned and I had a male sexual libido issue and she was trying to conceive that I wouldn't be long without hints of visiting GP, etc.

I'd ask her if she minds if you look elsewhere for sex.

heretochat

beks101 wrote: »

The amount of sexless marriage threads around here is almost alarming. So rest assured at least that you're not alone.

This seems to be a very long-term problem in your marriage. You need to fully stress now much of a problem this is to your wife, so that she understands it's either she makes an effort to change, or she loses you. Be very firm about how much this is affecting you. Marriage counselling is something you should think about and broach with her.

I was thinking the exact same thing. There is a new thread on this every day... Would put one off the idea...

I would second the suggestion by beks that counselling is the first thing that you should consider. Talk things out in front of someone who is professionally trained to facilitate such a discussion.

LegacyUser

When I had the discussion with my wife in recent weeks about how frustrating and serious an issue this was for my(our) marriage she did bring up the idea that I would look elsewhere for sex.

I honestly believe it was said somewhat in jest and more to deflect from the issue.
I think she may have been just testing my commitment to see my reaction.
She is quite conservative and I think she blurted that out more as to draw a line in the sand to suggest that really she wasn't interested in changing to any great extent.

It gave very mixed signals, to be honest and sadly the more I think of it that is really akin to her saying F. off, in a fairly direct way while at the same time blaming me for not being spontaneous.
In that hostile environment it is very hard to be spontaneous and romantic.
It is an impasse.

I am not interested in "a bit on the side", I was actually looking to strenghten our marriage.

im confused again

Have tried romancing her. Have date nights, get dressed up, tell her how beautiful she is, give her flowers, make her feel special. But do this with no expectations.

Try this for a while to see if it reignites the passion that you once had for each other.

The pressures of life leave people tired and after 15 years of a low/non existent sex life it will take a while to get the passion going again.

Cold Chocolate

needstobesaid wrote: »

When I had the discussion with my wife in recent weeks about how frustrating and serious an issue this was for my(our) marriage she did bring up the idea that I would look elsewhere for sex.

I honestly believe it was said somewhat in jest and more to deflect from the issue.
I think she may have been just testing my commitment to see my reaction.
She is quite conservative and I think she blurted that out more as to draw a line in the sand to suggest that really she wasn't interested in changing to any great extent.

It gave very mixed signals, to be honest and sadly the more I think of it that is really akin to her saying F. off, in a fairly direct way while at the same time blaming me for not being spontaneous.
In that hostile environment it is very hard to be spontaneous and romantic.
It is an impasse.

I am not interested in "a bit on the side", I was actually looking to strenghten our marriage.

She sounds selfish, has she ever been spontaneous for you?

alias06

heretochat wrote: »

I was thinking the exact same thing. There is a new thread on this every day... Would put one off the idea...

This made me laugh. Hold off on proposing if you want to keep getting it.

Seriously though I agree with other posters that she sounds selfish and dismissive of your needs. Do you still love this women?

LegacyUser

It is a very good question as to whether I am still in love with her.
To be honest , it gets harder as years go by to feel as sincere when occasions come around such as when I put a message on Valentines or Wedding anniversary cards/flowers, etc.

This is why heeding the advice about romancing her to try to rekindle things is difficult.
This may sound awful but it feels akin to rewarding negative behaviour and I may have to bite my lip to be honest if I was to organise something special in the near future.
I recall we had a weekend away from the kids before at a foreign wedding some 10+ yrs ago (my brother got married abroad) and we were in idyllic place, etc.
Nothing special happened while there and looking back on it nothing was revived or changed hugely as a result.

The only period in which things slightly spiced up (1 day per month or maybe 2 nights consecutive on a lucky month) was when there was a last ditch attempt at having a 3rd child.
It was a bit formulaic though - sex only on nights when she would have felt the highest chance of conceiving.
I cannot recall having upped my own ante in terms of being more spontaneous during that timeframe and I really think that the real trigger for her motivation at that time was her desire to conceive above all else.

I do realise I am not alone in this predicament based on what I've read on here and other places.
Now, I feel old before my time and the whole lack of 'spark' is having a domino effect of making me very low in terms of enthusiasm and drive "fire in the belly" in other social/work/hobby activities.
I also feel sad for her that she isn't inclined to be motivated to enjoy that one part of private life that can be enjoyable and mutually rewarding. This is the part that makes me saddest, to be honest.

Sleepy

Get good legal advice and prepare to divorce her. She's made it clear she's no interest in changing and obviously doesn't think enough of you to even make an effort to sort out her problems that are stopping ye from having a real marriage.

Aseth

Sleepy wrote: »

Get good legal advice and prepare to divorce her. She's made it clear she's no interest in changing and obviously doesn't think enough of you to even make an effort to sort out her problems that are stopping ye from having a real marriage.

I second that - since there are children involved and I assume that OP would like to be still present in their lives. Also about any issues regarding ownership of the house, cars, etc. I'd say a good legal advice is a key here. The wife has now what she wanted - children and she may not have any problems trying to blame OP for the failure of the marriage.