Hurt/Angry over Adopted Sister

LegacyUser

Don't know whether I want to just have a rant, but some advice would be nice. Basically I have a sister who my mam gave up for adoption. I found this out about 12 years ago and we started writing to each other. About 9 years ago we ended up living in the same area, would meet up regularly got on great etc. Moved away but we still kept in touch would meet up chat by text FB whatever. My mam met her once but since then no real contact, she rang me one night looking to speak to her and my mam didn't want to (don't think she was ready) and I had to make a load of excuses. I was a bit angry and told my mam i'm sick of being stuck in the middle. She said she never asked me to be. I sent a small pressie and card to my sister for a big birthday and got a message off her fiancee thanking me for it, but running my mam down and saying she must be very cold and a lot of other nasty comments. I didn't hear back. I lost touch with my sister, no response to texts, gone off FB etc and was trying to get my head around that and move on with my life. Got a message on FB from her last night, only seen it today, saying sorry she hadn't been in touch, she'd a lot going on over the last few years and is only getting herself together and looking for her fathers surname, that im the only link she has. I understand this must be very hard for her. I am actually a bit upset over it, is she just going to breeze in and out of my life, am I going to be a punching bag for her bf every time he gets mad and having to be a go between for my mam and my sister. Maybe I shouldn't be so upset over this, but I can only answer for myself and i've tried to build a relationship with her and its hurtful that she can just cut contact and contact again whenever. Any advice how to deal with this?

Merkin

You poor thing, of course you're hurt. You've been very welcoming and open to your sister and it must have been very painful for her to exit your life so suddenly and then reappear.

BUT, in her defense, she has had to endure the pain of being rejected not once, but twice by your mother who for whatever reason doesn't want anything to do with her. I would say that, your sister, for sheer self preservation purposes, decided to extricate yourself as being involved with the family but having no relationship with her mother probably just became too much to bear.

Seems like after a lot of soul searching she now wants the opportunity to find her birth father. I don't think this is your place to ask your mother or disclose this to your sister. That needs to be something disclosed by your mother.

I think if I were you I'd ask my sister to meet with me. Sit down and tell her that you want her in your life but that you can't and won't act as a go between and source of information as it's putting you in a compromising position. If she then doesn't want a relationship on foot of that then you have to respect her wishes I guess. Please meet with her anyway, I think she has found this whole experience quite painful.

Might be worth posting in the Adoption forum as well OP, they might be able to advise best. http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/forumdisplay.php?f=879

Hope everything works out for you both.

LegacyUser

Thanks for that. I asked my mam and passed on his surname, I already knew it but wanted to say it to my mam first. Sister wrote back, thank you so much. That was it I honestly can't keep trying, i've text her numerous times saying I was going to be around her area (with plenty of notice) if she wanted to meet. My mam wrote to her for years, then met up and was delighted. Then after that she just stopped. My mams family have told my sister how my mam is only getting her life together, it's like their making excuses for her.

Merkin

Why not reply to her again and ask her if she would like to meet up seeing as it has now been a number of years? Suggest a place and a time. Ask her explicitly, yes or no. If she says no then I suppose you have your answer

LegacyUser

Merkin wrote: »

Why not reply to her again and ask her if she would like to meet up seeing as it has now been a number of years? Suggest a place and a time. Ask her explicitly, yes or no. If she says no then I suppose you have your answer

I told her i'm leaving the country next month and would she like to meet for a coffee before hand, no pressure, up to her.

dollypet

Speaking as an adopted person, whose birth mother wants no contact with as an adult, they is no possible way you can understand the depth of hurt a second rejection can cause.

It devisated me and I held on to the anger for along time and it affected my choices. Thankfully I was not in contact with any siblings I have through her so i didnt have to put them in the middle but I can imagine that even seeing you reminds your sister of that rejection.

It would for me. Never forget- you where the one your mother chose to keep. Its not your fault there is no blame toward you but you are an embodment of the rejection, For me I would be thinking "well my mother was together enough to keep this child, why couldnt she try harder for me?". Its not nice its not fair. It doesnt make sense but there is no logic in this case. Just feelings.

It simply might not be about you. And thats ok.

Hope this helps.

LegacyUser

dollypet wrote: »

It would for me. Never forget- you where the one your mother chose to keep. Its not your fault there is no blame toward you but you are an embodment of the rejection, For me I would be thinking "well my mother was together enough to keep this child, why couldnt she try harder for me?". Its not nice its not fair. It doesnt make sense but there is no logic in this case. Just feelings.
.

It's not as simple as that

LegacyUser

She said she'd love to meet me, at least that's a start.

Merkin

Hurtbyfamily wrote: »

She said she'd love to meet me, at least that's a start.

Aw that's great. Don't be afraid to tell her that you missed having her in your life over the lady couple of years. Hope it goes well

LegacyUser

Hurtbyfamily wrote: »

It's not as simple as that

Well I'm tempted to say "thats easy for you to say" - but fair enough, I don't know the exact circumstances of why you say this. But no matter how hard you feel that it is for you, I cant help but feel that the situation is harder than you can imagine for your sister, and will always be far harder for her - unless theres a lot of details that you've left out.

jellyboy

my tuppence worth op..

As a brother of a brother who was adopted and didn't find out for 15 years ,i can't begin to understand his pain and hurt around this..

its a bit like throwing a stone in an never ending well and waiting for the splash

All i know is my deep deep pain at not meeting ,seeing him,holding him
im guessing its equal to his ,theres no level of difference

i understand your pain..

D

LegacyUser

jellyboy wrote: »

my tuppence worth op..

As a brother of a brother who was adopted and didn't find out for 15 years ,i can't begin to understand his pain and hurt around this..

its a bit like throwing a stone in an never ending well and waiting for the splash

All i know is my deep deep pain at not meeting ,seeing him,holding him
im guessing its equal to his ,theres no level of difference

i understand your pain..

D

Thanks for your understanding. Even though i'm getting to meet her, I still feel a great sadness.

LegacyUser

Dont get your comment wrote: »

Well I'm tempted to say "thats easy for you to say" - but fair enough, I don't know the exact circumstances of why you say this. But no matter how hard you feel that it is for you, I cant help but feel that the situation is harder than you can imagine for your sister, and will always be far harder for her - unless theres a lot of details that you've left out.

I'm guessing you've some experience in this as your quite annoyed by what I said. If you want to share, that would be great.

LegacyUser

Merkin wrote: »

Aw that's great. Don't be afraid to tell her that you missed having her in your life over the lady couple of years. Hope it goes well

Thanks, I wasn't going to, but your right, there's no harm expressing how I feel. I'm nervous about going, haven't seen her fiancee since that message.

clairefontaine

Her fiancé is undoubtedly the main person who is supporting her and living with the spillover from the hurt of a double whammy of rejection by your mother.

It is incredibly hard not to be angry when you see the pain in someone you love.

Through no fault of your own OP, you are a reminder to both of them, just by being connected to your mother, of the double rejection.

It may simply come with the territory of being someone in your position. Your mother, who has managed to avoid any contact has put you straight in the firing line by refusing to be held accountable for her decision twice over to reject her child.

December2012

It must be difficult for all of you.

Your sister who has been rejected by her biological mother. That's a head melt to try and understand - imagine being given away by your mother? Imagine starting your existence as a problem needing to be solved? Horrible stuff.

Your mother has it hard too. I cannot comprehend how difficult it must be to go through what she has gone through. Giving away a child, hiding the fact of that, the fear, the pressure, telling you about it and dealing with the fallout.

Your sisters fiancé will and should always be on your sisters side. He's the one who is helping her with this every day, he's the one she is choosing to help her with too. I wouldn't blame him for anything.

And of course it's difficult for you. You want to have a relationship with her.

However, out of everybody, your sister is the one with everything on her plate. Don't try and rush her, she's trying to find a parent. Again, as a concept alone that is huge!

You're not going through the same thing. There are at least three people being introduced in various degrees to her life. You have one.

Be kind and go at her pace. There is no rush. Moving abroad means you can still keep in touch and grow close but you cannot make up for the lost years. Ever. You may not have the sisterhood that you want. However, like any other friendships, if it is carefully nurtured in an organic and relaxed way, and if both parties are interested, you can become friends and have a future kinship.

Go at her pace and try to understand her more.

LegacyUser

December2012 wrote: »

Your sisters fiancé will and should always be on your sisters side. He's the one who is helping her with this every day, he's the one she is choosing to help her with too. I wouldn't blame him for anything.

All your post was really helpful, however I don't know how you can say the above. I do blame him for the nasty message he sent, I can't answer for my mother and it wasn't a nice thing to do. I don't hold a grude against him or have any hard feelings, however not everyone would have felt this way and he could have jeopardised any potential relationship with my sister.

December2012

Well to me, that depends on how the other person responded.

You are all feeling your way through a difficult time, maybe you could forgive him?

LegacyUser

December2012 wrote: »

Well to me, that depends on how the other person responded.

You are all feeling your way through a difficult time, maybe you could forgive him?

I do forgive him, however that doesn't mean I don't blame him for what he said, no one else made him do that. I would imagine my sister would be upset too if she seen the message. Its just now left me wondering if he's going to be weird with me when I see him.

December2012

Don't take offence on behalf of your sister.

Don't take offence on behalf of your mother.

And put the fiances messages in perspective and forget about them. He has no reason to be awkward with you, other than the fact that you are all in an awkward situation, most of all your sister who has been rejected again.

dellas1979

The easiest way to think about this situation is that its not about you.

People will lash out at anyone who is listening. And youve a line of communication.

If anyone has anything to say about your mother, or is lashing out at you, tell them politely for them to tell her, directly. Its a bit like standing up for yourself in this situation.

You didnt give anyone up for adoption nor probably do you know or will ever fully understand what happened and why. And you certainly dont have any answers.

All you can do is try build a relationship with your sister. It may or may not happen. That is her choice, no matter how hard you feel you are trying. Just let her know while you dont understand (from her point of view) how hard it is for her, youll always be there for her, through thick and thin.

LegacyUser

December2012 wrote: »

Don't take offence on behalf of your sister.

Don't take offence on behalf of your mother.

And put the fiances messages in perspective and forget about them. He has no reason to be awkward with you, other than the fact that you are all in an awkward situation, most of all your sister who has been rejected again.

Your dead right, but i can take offence on my own behalf. He made comments comparing the families on Jeremy Kyle to my mam etc, and it was said as if it was referring to my family. Saying at least they are decent enough to try and make ammends. Not cool. I'm not angry with my sister, it just hurts the way she disappears out of my life. I'm angry at the situation, the way its been held, the way my mam is reacting and not even seeing the situation everyone is in. I feel like a punchbag in the whole situation.

December2012

And you can't see any justification for why he would say this about your mother?

dellas1979

December2012 wrote: »

And you can't see any justification for why he would say this about your mother?

Im sure he has lots to say about the mother, be it true or not. But its misplaced anger. The OP should not be allowing herself to be used as a punchbag as she puts it.

I certainly would not put up with it, for noone.

Standing up for yourself is the first way to stop feeling like a punchbag. If dont like it, tell him to stop. If you dont like your sister popping in and out of your life, tell her.

Its basic communication really about what you want and looking after yourself, not the entire situation. Yet you fear it. The only way to get over a fear is to face it m'dear.

LegacyUser

Hurtbyfamily wrote: »

Your dead right, but i can take offence on my own behalf. He made comments comparing the families on Jeremy Kyle to my mam etc, and it was said as if it was referring to my family. Saying at least they are decent enough to try and make ammends. Not cool. I'm not angry with my sister, it just hurts the way she disappears out of my life. I'm angry at the situation, the way its been held, the way my mam is reacting and not even seeing the situation everyone is in. I feel like a punchbag in the whole situation.

I think you need to stop focusing on your hurt, and realise that it pales into nothing compared to how your sister is hurting. Of course her partner is upset and frustrated on her behalf - and he presumably has to comfort her and deal with her anger at multiple rejections by your mother. He may not have dealt with it in the best way, but you really need to cut him, and especially your sister, a lot more slack. You have a lot less to forgive than she does.

LegacyUser

I think you are very angry with your mother and are misdirecting your anger on others.

Ok, the fiance annoyed you but you are unnaturally angry about his words.

You never mention confronting your mother about why she refused to see your sister again and explained the impact it had on you and your relationship with the sister.

It is very hard to have a relationship with a sibling if the mother is never going to meet her. The pain is horrible.

I say this having been in this situation only slightly differently. I discovered i had a grandmother in my 40s. Met her for first time a year later after letters etc. My mother is not in the equation anymore. My half aunt (never knew about her either) delighted to meet me but my half uncle refused to come meet me and avoided the house when i was there (they openly told me this).
The anger i felt over this undescribable and i don't even know him. Then, my grandmother decided to renege on telling us important family things that she was prepped for and would help with an important situation. I let a lot of things go. But when she refued to introduce me as her granddaughter to her friend, i realised there was never going to be a relationship. There is potential for everything to cause hurt and anger. I withdrew slowly and sent cards, updates etc and left it at that.
My aunt, however, wants to be in contact daily (the curses of mod tech!) and can't understand that to be around her and hear about her and her children's life, family and history is very painful for me as i had none of it and even now there is no compunction on my grandmother's part to ease the awkwardness, or just be open about the past. And of course, my uncle won't acknowledge me so i can't take the aunt telling me about his life etc.

Talk to your mother - the fiance hit a nerve...

LegacyUser

granddaughter wrote: »

I think you are very angry with your mother and are misdirecting your anger on others.

Ok, the fiance annoyed you but you are unnaturally angry about his words.

You never mention confronting your mother about why she refused to see your sister again and explained the impact it had on you and your relationship with the sister.

It is very hard to have a relationship with a sibling if the mother is never going to meet her. The pain is horrible.

I say this having been in this situation only slightly differently. I discovered i had a grandmother in my 40s. Met her for first time a year later after letters etc. My mother is not in the equation anymore. My half aunt (never knew about her either) delighted to meet me but my half uncle refused to come meet me and avoided the house when i was there (they openly told me this).
The anger i felt over this undescribable and i don't even know him. Then, my grandmother decided to renege on telling us important family things that she was prepped for and would help with an important situation. I let a lot of things go. But when she refued to introduce me as her granddaughter to her friend, i realised there was never going to be a relationship. There is potential for everything to cause hurt and anger. I withdrew slowly and sent cards, updates etc and left it at that.
My aunt, however, wants to be in contact daily (the curses of mod tech!) and can't understand that to be around her and hear about her and her children's life, family and history is very painful for me as i had none of it and even now there is no compunction on my grandmother's part to ease the awkwardness, or just be open about the past. And of course, my uncle won't acknowledge me so i can't take the aunt telling me about his life etc.

Talk to your mother - the fiance hit a nerve...

Just to reitterate my anger is not directed at my sister, it is towards the situation and my mother. I have no hard feelings towards her fiancee, I was annoyed at the time, I just hoped it wouldn't cause any awkwardness and No you are wrong about that i'm afraid he did not hit a nerve. He annoyed me because of the way he spoke in the message and expected me to be a punchbag for his anger towards my mother, I can not answer for my mother and never will. I've made such an effort to maintain a relationship with my sister and I can't be expected to do any more than that. I will help her in any way I can but I shouldn't have to look at messages like that.

It's flogging a dead horse trying to confront my mam about this. She's done many hurtful things on me and won't even acknowledge any hurt or wrong doing, let alone try and make things right.

Thanks for sharing your experience x

LegacyUser

Sorry i only saw your reply now.

No worries, and i'm sorry if i took you up incorrectly.

I hope you can resolve this to your satisfaction,

And thank you for the good wishes!

All the best to you too.