Wondering if he is secretly gay?

LegacyUser

Hi there,

A dilemma. I have been going out with my boyfriend for 3 month. We are both late 20s.
This is probably an unusual problem, but.. I'm worried that he is secretly gay.
First of all, I have no problem with gay men- most of my male friends are gay. And I really hate to stereotype people... but my boyfriend has some "quirks" that have me wondering.

-It took him a number of dates to properly kiss me ie French kiss, let alone have sex. He says this is because it takes him a while to get comfortable and because he has not been with many women.
-He has quite effeminate mannerisms- for example he sits with his legs crossed. I don't know of ANY other straight men who do this.
-When he gets drunk he gets quite touchy-feely with his male friends- there are so many photos on Facebook of him in jokey "bromance" poses with them. He greets his best male friends with a bear hug.

Before me he had a girlfriend for 6 years. Again I hate to stereotype. I am not backwards or stuck in a bygone era but he is just so different to any other guy I have gone out with.

HalloweenJack

I cross my legs and I know plenty of other straight men who do it. Are there any other effeminate mannerisms you can think of?

As for the touchy-feely part, some people are more open than others. Whenever I see my best friend, I give him a big hug and I regularly give other men that I'm close with hugs. You'll also find other countries are a lot more touchy-feely than back home. Of course, if your BF is comfortable with this and then there's also drink involved, it'll loosen him up more and lead to the kinds of photos you're talking about. I've seen loads of my friends be part of these photos when they're drunk. I highly doubt that that many of them are secretly gay.

As for your first point, it could be that he's just not rushes into things with women, he told you this much.

From the information you've given, it just sounds like he's not a stereotypical man's man. This doesn't mean he's gay, though.

Also, you said he's so different to any guy you've been with before. Were they all more a "man's man"?

Meauldsegosha

keyboardcluedo wrote: »

Hi there,

A dilemma. I have been going out with my boyfriend for 3 month. We are both late 20s.
This is probably an unusual problem, but.. I'm worried that he is secretly gay.
First of all, I have no problem with gay men- most of my male friends are gay. And I really hate to stereotype people... but my boyfriend has some "quirks" that have me wondering.

-It took him a number of dates to properly kiss me ie French kiss, let alone have sex. He says this is because it takes him a while to get comfortable and because he has not been with many women.
-He has quite effeminate mannerisms- for example he sits with his legs crossed. I don't know of ANY other straight men who do this.
-When he gets drunk he gets quite touchy-feely with his male friends- there are so many photos on Facebook of him in jokey "bromance" poses with them. He greets his best male friends with a bear hug.

Before me he had a girlfriend for 6 years. Again I hate to stereotype. I am not backwards or stuck in a bygone era but he is just so different to any other guy I have gone out with.

You hate to stereotype but you did.

As for his "quirks", many women would find it refreshing that a man wants to get to know them and be comfortable before they have sex. I know straight men who cross their legs, I also know gay men who don't cross their legs. Lots of people do jokey poses for photo, with both men and women, when they are out having fun with their friend. It doesn't make them gay. In fact none of his "quirks" would suggest he is gay.

You should just relax and enjoy your relationship, stop looking for stuff that is not there.

Mr. Manager

None of what you posted would lead me to think he's gay.

I cross my legs when watching telly all the time.. it seems pretty normal. My housemate does it too.

As for the photos, some lads are closer than others. My mates have shared lollipops when locked and this wouldn't make me think they're gay.

I think you're reading too much into it tbh.

Idle Passerby

Nothing in what you've written suggest to me that your boyfriend is gay. You say most of your own male friends are gay. It sounds like you are assuming that your friends mannerisms are indicative of their sexuality.

To me it sounds like your boyfriend is interested in long term commitment and didn't want to rush into anything physical too early. He has friends he is comfortable around and he happens to sit with his legs crossed. (I have known many men who are very attracted to and interested in women who sit this way. It is absolutely not an indication of sexual orientation.)

heretochat

I agree with all the other responses so far. I don't think there is anything that would suggest he is gay.

By not wanting to rush into sleeping with you I think he shows himself as being someone respectful who is maybe looking at getting to know you first before taking that step.

Not many men are comfortable with being affectionate with each other. Just because he is doesn't make him any less manly. Maybe that is what he and his mates do..

And as for crossing his legs, nver knew that doing that made someone gay all of a sudden..

reprazant

He sits with his legs cross ergo he is gay? Bloody hell.

RDM_83 again

To be honest it sounds like he's just a bit "gentlemanly" or a "nice guy" for want of a better word but then again you clearly feel this way for a reason.

Has he met any of your good friends who's opinion you trust? Sometimes an external viewpoint thats less wrapped up on things could be better.

simonsays1

I love when straight men cross their legs!

Sure sign that they are comfortable and confident with their own sexuality and no amount of slagging will deter them.

Plus it looks good!

Bear hug? Are you kidding? I love seeing men greet like this esp Irish men. There's nothing wrong with it.

This post does seem a little backward to be perfectly honest.

Brego888

As a heterosexual man I do all the examples you give to suggest he might be gay. So these examples alone are nonsense.

Having said that I wouldn't rule out your gut feeling on this.

iusedtoknow

is he attracted to men?
does he sleep with men?

These are usually the only 100% ways to tell if someone is gay.

The rest of what you said is stereotypes and pretty much prove nothing. I am a 30 year old married hetero guy that crosses his legs and have been known to have kissed my male friends on the cheeks. That was of course in Spain where that was seen as completely normal.

lmos

I would trust your instinct also! I have had a similiar experience with an ex...he's still not 'out', not sure if her ever will....but def dont ignore your gut. If the description above is something you are not comfortable with and bothers you (regardless of his sexuality), I would also really take this into consideration, on where you see the relationship going?

LegacyUser

Nothing you have said suggests he is gay. You need to stop looking for evidence in his behaviour and look to yourself. Have you ever wondered about a boyfriend's sexuality before? Is there any reason (other than your boyfriend's mannerisms) why you might be doing so now? Think of other straight men you know, some of your ex's also: any of them exhibit stereotypically effeminate behaviours? If yes, have you ever questioned their sexuality? Do you tend to date men who are very stereotypically masculine and is this a departure from your usual type?

Assuming there is nothing going on with you to cause you to think he's gay and that this is a unique feeling for you then my advice would be to listen to your gut. Plenty of men have stereotypically effeminate mannerisms which in no way cause others to question their sexuality. If you're generally open minded and non-judgemental and can't shake the feeling that he's gay then there's a good chance that you're on to something.

Don't listen to people criticising you as backwards, you know yourself best. If you know that you are completely open about sexualities (and to me it sounds like you are) then you shouldn't ignore this feeling out of fear that you're being too narrow minded/ judgemental etc. Your instincts are there for a reason.

Unfortunately, nobody here can tell you whether or not your boyfriend is gay. The only one who can do so is him. However, if he's repressed his sexuality then even he won't be able to tell you. So what can you do?

Seriously consider why you feel this way.
If you still feel this way, talk to him about how you feel.
If he reassures you but you still have doubts do both yourself and your boyfriend a favour and end the relationship.

Best of luck!

RoscommonTom

Get your tits out and if he gets the horn than you know hes not a gay, nothing you have written makes me think hes a gay

I am more comfortable when I sit with my legs crossed. Been doing it for as long as I can remember and have never thought twice about it. When people meet me, one of the things they comment on is that I appear quite camp - this is because I'm friendly and usually don't care about what people think. I've also been known to be quite touchy-feely with my male friends.

I'm completely 100% straight.

MadMardegan

Hugging your best friend is gay??

Why didn't anyone tell me I'm gay?!

Seriously, you're really over reacting here OP. There's nothing you've written that would make me think he's gay...

Taltos

RoscommonTom - if you cannot post in a civil constructive manner please don't post. This forum is here to deal with sensitive issues, comments such as yours are not appreciated and instead are likely to cause offense.

Please take some time now to consider if this forum is the right place for you, repeats of the above will result in a ban from this point.

Taltos

MadMardegan

MadMardegan wrote: »

Hugging your best friend is gay??

Why didn't anyone tell me I'm gay?!

Seriously, you're really over reacting here OP. There's nothing you've written that would make me think he's gay...

Yeah, I would never think hugging a best friend to be gay. If I haven't seen my good male friends in a while, of course we're going to hug. Absolutely nothing wrong with it as well. Heck, I'd often go out for tea, for food, to the cinema, with my friends and sometimes we'd refer to them as man-dates. Guaranteed this is probably something the OP would suspect as being gay.

MadMardegan

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Yeah, I would never think hugging a best friend to be gay. If I haven't seen my good male friends in a while, of course we're going to hug. Absolutely nothing wrong with it as well. Heck, I'd often go out for tea, for food, to the cinema, with my friends and sometimes we'd refer to them as man-dates. Guaranteed this is probably something the OP would suspect as being gay.

I visited one of my best friends in the states 2 months ago, hadn't seen him in a year, when he dropped me off at the airport I'd say we spent a good 10 seconds hugging and saying goodbye... completely normal carry on, in my opinion

Tramps Like Us

I didnt know crossing your legs was supposedly a "gay thing"!? Most people do it.

However he shouldnt (and neither should anyone else!) because it is very bad for your back and general hip area... I found that out the hard way

Lots of people hug... although I'm a handshake guy unless its in a sporting context

He doesnt sound gay to me. However if you dont find these traits attractive thats ok too.

suicide_circus

look, loads of straight men can get affectionate with their friends after a few bevvies, they're his Bros!

Media999

Not being funny here but is he after after something in bed that makes you think hes gay? Something youre not telling us maybe?

Stuff that the gays would do.

TwoGallants

Ass play doesn't make you gay. Many 'gays' don't even like ass play. So if thats the case the OP is still off by a longshot.

RoscommonTom

TwoGallants wrote: »

Ass play doesn't make you gay. Many 'gays' don't even like ass play. So if thats the case the OP is still off by a longshot.

Who knows if thats part of the story at all, were only guessing at this stage

Taltos

RoscommonTom - taking a week's break from the forum for continued posting without offering constructive advice.
This is a strictly moderated forum and due to the nature of some of the issues we have to take a hard line. Can I please remind everyone to please read our charter if you have no constructive advice then please don't post.

Thanks
Taltos