Is this normal

LegacyUser

Please let me know how you would support your husband in the following situation and is it normal for a mother to do this as mine would not.

A little background I am married five years been with my hubbie 6 years we got pregnant 6 mths after meeting and we were very happy and even more so now two kids later but ... MY mother in law has hated me since the first time she met me I was then 24 going out with her 35 yr old son who danced to her every request. After the first meeting she told him in a text message well I suppose she ok to mess around with but you needn't bring her home again.
While I was hurt and she put on a show how she thought I was nice I thought well sure I going out with him not her move it on 6 mths she nearly lost the head and told my hubbie to get me to get rid of me or just dump me if I didn't. He told her he loved me and was going to marry me one day.
She cooled down and bit and then I had a son but she didn't agree with us christening him at 3 weeks was too early. We said we wanted to do it then booked a hotel not knowing if the godfather her other son would turn up or any of his family only found out at 10am and it was on at 2
Then we booked our wedding and she kicked up a fuss that it was on a Thursday and was 150 miles away from their city in the country town I am from.
Move it on there been remarks over the years but the latest is by far the meanest in my eyes my hubbie father has discovered at 87 he has a growth that cancer on his head they are tomorrow going to operate on it to remove it.
MY husband only found out last evening going though the airport on a work trip that it was happening even though he been asking for last three weeks if their was any word on the appointment as he had planned on going down to be there when he came though like the rest of the family and he had asked last week when the work trip came up as he could of go a co worker to go.
He says he not affected by the fact she didn't tell him but he must be what should I do or should I just leave it.??

Typer Monkey

You shouldn't do anything. They're your husband's parents and it's his situation to deal with. If you get involved it'll make your already strained relationship worse. Support your husband through his father's health difficulty and leave dealing with his parents to him

cloudatlas

Isn't it obvious that this woman wants to cause hurt and get a reaction? Don't give her one. Leave her to her own miserable schemes. Maybe your husband should let the rest of the family know that he only heard about it late in case it reflects badly on him.

December2012

You should do nothing.

This is not the time for you to raise your objections to past behaviour. They are dealing with a sick man and for you to cause trouble with your in laws would be unfair and prove your mother in law right.

This growth is about his fathers health, not your relationship so stop hijacking it. Maybe they didn't want a fuss. Maybe they didn't want their son to worry nor jeopardise his job.

It is their choice how they process their problems.

When I dealt with serious health problems I only told one person in my family. My choice. I told others after I got all clear - it was my thing, not a family circus,with other peoples feelings and expectations to manage.

So what to do? You make your husbands life as easy as possible. You help him. Offer your support to your in laws.

Be a good wife and a good daughter in law.

Stop giving out about stuff that happened years ago, it's in the past and holding onto a grudge is pointless.

mashedbanana

God love you! I have had all this and more done to me by my MIL. Who is a class act, I can add, at playing one daughter in law against the other. There really isn't anything that you can do. This monster in law, knows very well, her son was concerned about his dad. She chose not to involve him. In her twisted way, she is punishing him for....something...could be anything! She should treat him the same as she treats her other children, but he didn't do as 'he was told', and this is his punishment. Twisted and hurtful i know.

I agree with cloudatlas.

MIL's feelings towards you will probably never change. After all, you 'trapped' her boy! It doesn't matter that he is now your husband. your opinions & views will not now, or ever, be welcomed. Actually, it's best to not open your mouth at all...ever! that is the way they'd prefer you to be if they had the choice. I'm talking from experience here. Never fall for the 'turned a corner, we'll try to get on' I fell for that over a year ago. Put my heart & soul into making thing right with the MIL. Caught her laughing it up at my expense. She hadn't changed, and I was crushed by it. Still am really.

Be there for the hubby, support him. Ignore the other battleaxe. Ring the hospital, your family after all. I hope your you FIL make a recovery. Frightening times. MIL WILL lash out at what she sees as the easiest target (due to stress & worry), from here on in. Be prepared. Again, I'm talking from experience.

Tramps Like Us

She just sounds like a cow. Take the christening thing, she was most probably christened as a baby before her and her mam left the hospital.

I'd leave it. The cancer growth thing (my grandad has that too) sounds a much bigger deal than it actually is. ts a relatively simple procedure

Stavro Mueller

Stay out of this. If you say or do anything you'll just be giving the wagon what she wants. Proof (and ammunition?) that you are the dreadful woman who stole her son away. Her latest antics landed a direct hit on your husband, not on you. And so, it's something for him to deal with. I'm sure the rest of the family are aware that she's an utter weapon. Were they kept in the loop about his dad's cancer?

LegacyUser

Thanks for all your replies

As you all suggested I have supported my husband and have not lashed out at her for her actions after all this time my husband was the one hurt not me.

December 2012 you mentioned that it is there choice to keep this business quiet this is of course correct but we have since be made aware that all my husband siblings were told two weeks ago as was my father in laws brothers sisters niece nephews and all the neighbours down there so why single out her oldest son??

Also my husband is at CEO level in a large multinational he can easy send a director to do his work aboard.

My husband texted her on Thursday and rang a number of times Thursday to get an update on his father operation she never replied until 9pm Friday saying he was doing ok that is the exact text message. I had in the mean time rang the hospital to find out as my husband asked me to my husband didn't contact his siblings as he feels that they should not be dragged into this mess.

On Saturday my husband rang 10 times to speak with his father and she gave him excuses to he in bathroom he has visitors he asleep his mobile is broke finally last evening he got to talk to him and his father asked how come he didn't get to ring till then

So she is just a cow and I have decided to just get my own life and not let it cross very often and less often then at the moment

December2012

Yes they still have a choice not to tell your husband.

You really should let go of this bitterness, it's fruitless. Do you realise that you're fighting in your own head with a woman who is currently worrying about cancer?

Drop the hostility and ask if the family need any help.

LegacyUser

December 2012 over last few days we have my mother in law my help I sent her down homemade dinners with my cousin who a lecturer in UL and she told him to keep them I asked her had she room in her freezer she said yes and I said I would do up dinners for you save you cooking she said yes that be nice she was on loudspeaker at the time with my husband listening did enough suitable dinners for 6 days along with homemade soup bread scones and two cakes yesterday and she just told my cousin take it away.

We also organised for Tesco to deliver a weeks shopping save her going out and we sent down a number of dressing bandages and stuff needed for the wound from my sister pharmacy these too were returned and they do not have a medical card sop would have to pay for them and she is dressing the wound so wouldn't get them off health nurse.

December2012

So what? She's being a pain but look it's just me but I still wouldn't be fighting with her.

You asked how do you help your husband - I say stop getting annoyed at your in laws. Do things to make his life easier.

Merkin

You seem absolutely hellbent on having a row with this woman. Yes, she sounds like a royal pain in the arse but her husband is ill and you seem determined to focus on all the ways she has slighted and insulted you of late. I'm sure if you're going on like this to your husband you are merely increasing his stress levels and exacerbating his unhappiness too.

You asked how you can support your husband. Bite your tongue. You can have your own private thoughts on the matter and what a wagon she is but considering that it's quite a fraught time for the family I'd keep your own gripe with the woman firmly out of the equation.

Santa Cruz

If the father is 87 then the mother can't be too far behind. Let nature take it's to solve this problem

jdsk2006

Need 101 on Inlaws wrote: »

December 2012 over last few days we have my mother in law my help I sent her down homemade dinners with my cousin who a lecturer in UL and she told him to keep them I asked her had she room in her freezer she said yes and I said I would do up dinners for you save you cooking she said yes that be nice she was on loudspeaker at the time with my husband listening did enough suitable dinners for 6 days along with homemade soup bread scones and two cakes yesterday and she just told my cousin take it away.

We also organised for Tesco to deliver a weeks shopping save her going out and we sent down a number of dressing bandages and stuff needed for the wound from my sister pharmacy these too were returned and they do not have a medical card sop would have to pay for them and she is dressing the wound so wouldn't get them off health nurse.

the woman is utterly seething with both you and your husband as far as i can see. Stop pussyfootin to her meaness.....she's quiet the piece of work and needs a firm hand without puttin any more wind in her sails

MouseTail

Why is it relevant your cousin is a Lecturer and your husband is a CEO?

Leave the woman be. You and her don't get on, so just step right back now. Don't be in your husband's ear about his mother at this time either.

Neyite

Look, she hates you. Its not nice, and its not fair, but you cant change that. She has her view of you in her head, and while I think she is missing out on a terrific, kind and caring daughter in law, thats her problem. Leave her to fester in her bitterness. She has rewritten history in her head, her well-to-do son got trapped into a relationship with someone beneath him. Why would she let the fact that he loves you, you are kind, caring, thoughtful, and a great wife and mother stand in the way of her fantasy.

From her point of view, you are trying to force her to get help from someone she hates - sending the meals, the bandages. Would you take help from someone you hate? I wouldn't.

Its a shame about your FIL. I think that you should stop offering help. Let your husband visit, bringing your child to see Grandad, and support your husband behind the scenes. Your presence seems to enrage her. Probably because you are not being helpful enough to fit the mould of ogre that she would like you to.

Stavro Mueller

I agree with this. Your MIL has never liked you and it has escalated into sheer hatred. There's nothing you can ever do to make her hate you less. The sooner you accept this the better. Know your enemy if you like. Hatred isn't rational and can twist peoples minds. Her not telling her own son until the last minute is proof of just how it has warped her perception.

Accept that you cannot change how she behaves. The only person you can control is you. You need to stop her getting in under your skin and taking up space in your mind. She's an incurable bitch, she loathes you and will always hate you and the ground you walk on.

As an aside you should be more careful about some of the personal details you're posting on this thread e.g. your husband's sort of job, the cousin's job etc. You never know who's reading..

LegacyUser

Thanks to you all for your replies.

I like to clear up a couple of things I haven't ever nagged annoyed or in my husbands ear about his mam and her behaviour its her not him.

I came on here to see if I was taking the correct approach by been nice biting tongue and keeping tongue bite while supporting my husband.

While this will sound terrible people would consider myself from a better background then my husband something we never had cared about and I am just stating for the point that I believe this may be the issue as she views me a threat as I have an education and am qualified in a field that allows me to run a successful business and mind my kids while the other grandchildren are minded by her and she is almost the mother to them the mothers and fathers and is very involved in all their lives. While I live a good bit away and I make my own decisions.

Finally my husband wants us all to go see the dad who has been told the growth was not cancerous. My husband has said if I am busy with work he bring our oldest down so I am taking this out as think its best not to be around her

Sleepy

OP, it's natural to want your mother in law to like you but, for whatever reason she has taken a dislike to you, it's never going to happen.

The best thing to do is act as if she doesn't exist imo.

Big Bag of Chips

I think Neyite has hit the nail on the head. This woman doesn't like you. She is irritated by you. Even your presence annoys her.

Now, there's nothing you can do about that. You may never have done anything to evoke this sort of reaction in her, it's just how she feels about you. There are people in my life who irritate me. Who I cannot stand to be around. They might never have done anything specific to make me feel like this about them but I just don't like them. I would rather go without than accept advice/help from them. It would kill me for them to think they ever did me a favour!! Irrational? Probably. But you can't get on with everyone!

Your best bet is to stay out of her way. She doesn't like you. It seems you're not too fond of her either. So why force it? There are families who survive quite happily by staying out of each others' way.

Let your husband and your child(ren) have their own relationship with them. You don't actually have to he involved, at all.

mashedbanana

Need 101 on Inlaws wrote: »

Thanks to you all for your replies.

I like to clear up a couple of things I haven't ever nagged annoyed or in my husbands ear about his mam and her behaviour its her not him.

I came on here to see if I was taking the correct approach by been nice biting tongue and keeping tongue bite while supporting my husband.

While this will sound terrible people would consider myself from a better background then my husband something we never had cared about and I am just stating for the point that I believe this may be the issue as she views me a threat as I have an education and am qualified in a field that allows me to run a successful business and mind my kids while the other grandchildren are minded by her and she is almost the mother to them the mothers and fathers and is very involved in all their lives. While I live a good bit away and I make my own decisions.

Finally my husband wants us all to go see the dad who has been told the growth was not cancerous. My husband has said if I am busy with work he bring our oldest down so I am taking this out as think its best not to be around her

i absolutely get where you are coming from. My life is very similar. From the Mil practically raising the other grandkids, right down to the 'we live a good bit away'. 'You make your own decisions' ye don't need her. This I can tell you is a problem. You, my dear, are miles too independent for her liking. Too educated, and darn right, too much of a good wife/mother.

You mention that you background is, lets say, different to your hubby's. This I understand. It might not always be down to a financial reason, but maybe, you were raised with different values. You might be a bit like myself, and find it hard to understand why the mil is the way she is towards you, when you have bent over backwards to please her. There can be some very rude folk out there, rude in a way I wouldn't even dream of! If you came into the family, as a nice polite person, a lady, she must have seen you as a threat.

I know well, it doesn't matter what you do or say, she'll never EVER change how she feels about you. No doubt has a right good gossip at your expense too from time to time. You were and always will be 'the young wan, that waltz in and trapped our son'

My dad had a Pituitary adenoma 4 years ago. This caused him to have a brain hemorrhage, swiftly followed by a stroke. They can't operate but is on medication all the time to shrink it, and keep it small. It's non cancerous, Thank God. Incidently the tablets for this are the tiniest things you have ever seen. It scared us at the time, but once you hear non cancerous...relief.

Op, you are feeling gobsmacked, hurt, insulted, and angry on behalf of not only yourself but your hubby too. As you say yourself, keep biting the tongue. All she wants is a row, just to show everyone what 'you' are like. Now would be the perfect time for that. Inevitably any thing that might resemble a face off, conversation, had GOT to be instigated by the hubby. She won't take it seriously until it comes from him. It could take years, it did for me!

It will have to go something like this 'That is MY wife, the mother of MY kids, I will not tolerate you being rude to her, or insulting her. She has never interfered with you, or harmed you. You won't be warned again'

This was something he had to do, she was out of control!

My situation went to an absolutely dreadful, disgusting, state. Where my MIL would openly verbally abuse me, in public. Cos I wouldn't give her an argument, i was too well bred to fight back. She saw me as weak, thus something she could walk on. She liked to laugh at me, if she had an audience, make me feel stupid.

When anything in the family happened, we were and still are the last to know. I really feel it's cos my hubby didn't follow what he was 'instructed' to do, and this is the payback. You mentioned the rest of the family are very involved in their life, and well...ye aren't. This will be resented. Mind you, maybe the rest of the family are involved only cos she is babysitting for them so much!

I'd continue to keep my distance. The obvious fractures in the relationship will always be there. Always. I, by rights, would advice that hubby and the kids should continue a relationship...without you...with his mother. I can tell you straight away, that your hubby ( 100% guarantee it) will be very VERY relaxed about persuing a relationship with (albeit) his mother, when he knows how she feels about you Op. She'll pick up on this, and thus resent you even more. Hence the need for the 'chat' (but not that this time, FIL, hospital, etc)
Ya, the kids might want to see her, for now. But that might change in time too. I understand how you feel, but she will never let you into that family, no matter how hard you try. Cut her lose, leave her off. Let her torment the rest of the family, and you continue to mind your own little family.

I hope you FIL pulls through, it's alot for him to deal with when he's elderly. When ringing the hospital for updates, ask the nurses, if they think of it, to let him know ye rang. :-)