Daughter not communicating

LegacyUser

She moved out April last year and I got to see her more times then I have this year. It has dwindled to the extent of just 3 times this year. I have not seen her boyfriend since last year. He came to the house about 4 times last year and has not been in contact since. They live about 20 minutes from me. I have never been invitied to the house, yet they are most welcome to come to visit me anytime and have been down for dinner and tea. I have asked her to come down with him, but there is always something happening with either her or him, so it gets called off.

Let me say that, I know she is getting on with her life and she does know that I will always be here for her, but I do miss going shopping with her and having a laugh, little things! We have never ever fallen out but I am finding that she usually only sends a text message, if I have sent one first.

I am keeping busy and working away on projects and getting on with things. She is starting a new job soon. Which is fab. Delighted for her. I have asked her time and again about meeting up, but when the plans are in place...they usually get called off (by her) at the last minute. What she tells me is that, something has come up, some problems with the dogs and they need to be taken to the vet or something else.

I find the whole thing a mystery. I have yet to meet his family. I did meet his mother just once, a week before Christmas last year. It was painful to watch my daughter leave through the shopping centre doors with her boyfriend and his mother. I felt like an outsider looking at another family.

I am not asking much, just an hour out of her time to come visit or meet up. Yet it seems to be such a chore. I am not sure if it is laziness or perhaps she is having such a good time, everything else doesn't matter!

She doesn't ring me on the phone. When I do call, she doesn't answer. Then she sends a text saying she was busy doing something. I get this everytime. So I just gave up calling.

She lives with her boyfriend, his mum and his older brother. I feel she has made a new family and feel practically ignored.

As I have said, we have never fallen out, we have never argued. I know she loves me and she knows I love her. that I want the best for her. It does make me happy to that know that she is happy. But, I do miss her.

I know we will meet up before Christmas as she did last year. She never came to visit me over Christmas and it was out first time not spending Christmas together. it wasn't a great Christmas for me. I have been trying to plan just incase this happens again.

I would hate to think that next year, she won't have time to visit at al!

Is this situation common? Any advice?

Sala

Bleakly wrote: »

She moved out April last year and I got to see her more times then I have this year. It has dwindled to the extent of just 3 times this year. I have not seen her boyfriend since last year. He came to the house about 4 times last year and has not been in contact since. They live about 20 minutes from me. I have never been invitied to the house, yet they are most welcome to come to visit me anytime and have been down for dinner and tea. I have asked her to come down with him, but there is always something happening with either her or him, so it gets called off.

Let me say that, I know she is getting on with her life and she does know that I will always be here for her, but I do miss going shopping with her and having a laugh, little things! We have never ever fallen out but I am finding that she usually only sends a text message, if I have sent one first.

I am keeping busy and working away on projects and getting on with things. She is starting a new job soon. Which is fab. Delighted for her. I have asked her time and again about meeting up, but when the plans are in place...they usually get called off (by her) at the last minute. What she tells me is that, something has come up, some problems with the dogs and they need to be taken to the vet or something else.

I find the whole thing a mystery. I have yet to meet his family. I did meet his mother just once, a week before Christmas last year. It was painful to watch my daughter leave through the shopping centre doors with her boyfriend and his mother. I felt like an outsider looking at another family.

I am not asking much, just an hour out of her time to come visit or meet up. Yet it seems to be such a chore. I am not sure if it is laziness or perhaps she is having such a good time, everything else doesn't matter!

She doesn't ring me on the phone. When I do call, she doesn't answer. Then she sends a text saying she was busy doing something. I get this everytime. So I just gave up calling.

She lives with her boyfriend, his mum and his older brother. I feel she has made a new family and feel practically ignored.

As I have said, we have never fallen out, we have never argued. I know she loves me and she knows I love her. that I want the best for her. It does make me happy to that know that she is happy. But, I do miss her.

I know we will meet up before Christmas as she did last year. She never came to visit me over Christmas and it was out first time not spending Christmas together. it wasn't a great Christmas for me. I have been trying to plan just incase this happens again.

I would hate to think that next year, she won't have time to visit at al!

Is this situation common? Any advice?

OP I think you should tell her how you feel. I don't know how old she is, or how long this relationship has been going on, but in my opinion people often tend to drop all others for a new relationship and it does come back.
If you had a good relationship she is probably just being insensitive accidentally, or has a lot on. Invite her alone to go shopping for a day a couple of weeks from now so she can pencil it in.

LegacyUser

OP, your post makes me sad. I have a daughter I'm so fond of and I'd hate that to happen with us.

How come you've never been to her home? Do you need to wait on an invitation? I wonder if she's upset that you haven't visited. I know I used to be upset when my mother didn't visit my new home, it felt like she wasn't interested enough in me. It never entered my head that she'd feel she should be invited - she was my mother for heaven's sake, I didn't have to be invited to visit her home. I was so proud to be set up in my own place and upset that she didn't want to come.

Maybe all that doesn't suit your situation at all. It's strange that she cancels meetings with you. I assume everything is alright with her. Maybe suggest that you'll pick her up for the next meeting, that you'd love to see her home.

And last Christmas sounds so bleak. Could it be that you are being so sensitive over not encroaching that to her it feels like you're being stand-offish or too self-sufficient? Maybe you could suggest that since she spent last Christmas with the boyfriend's family, that she and he come to you this year for Christmas dinner. If not, then for St Stephen's Day or for New Year's. A lot of young couples alternate home houses for Christmas.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, I think you might have posted before about this. Did she move into her boyfriend's family home? Living with his family? If so it is slightly more complicated than just dropping in or calling over. It's her boyfriend's mother's house.

I think you need to try talk to her. Let her know how upset you are that she is drifting away from you. I have never fallen out with my mother. I live about 20 mins away. We could go weeks without talking to each other, months without seeing each other! Sometimes "stuff" just gets in the way.

If I remember right, your daughter is quite young, and this is her first boyfriend. I think she's just a bit selfish at the moment. Maybe not intentionally, but she is just caught up in her own life right now. Her own "freedom" and her own independent life. (Although hasn't taken the big step into being totally independent, and is in the security of her boyfriend's home!)

I don't know if she will eventually come back to you, or if this is the new dynamic of your relationship. But for now, there's not a lot you can do. Allow yourself to grieve for the relationship you feel you've lost. But try not to dwell on it, or wait around for it to come back. That might not happen, and you might spend a lot of wasted time waiting for it.

You can't control what she does. Of course it would be ideal if you were still as close as you used to be. But if your daughter has moved on, then you have no choice but accept you are no longer "needed" by her. I'm genuinely not saying this to upset you. I have no doubt your daughter loves you. If there has never been a falling out, and you were always close, then she probably feels the same about you as she did before she moved out. But she's just "spreading her wings", and has flown the nest.

Sorry, I'm not offering much in way of what you can do to change your situation. But that's because it's not solely down to you. There is someone else involved, and you can't push or force her into being more involved or attentive towards you.

Butterface

You don't say what age your daughter is OP but I'm assuming she's young enough. Your post brought back memories of my own behaviour when I left home at 17/18 for college. Had a great relationship with my parents, nothing but loving feelings towards them etc.. Then I moved across the country to college and only returned home twice during the entire first year, and that included Christmas. I didn't take into consideration how that would have made my parents feel - going from seeing me every day and then a considerable dip in the level of communication!

Of course, I eventually grew out of it. Your daughter seems to be very wrapped up in her own life at the moment, and perhaps she hasn't considered that a lack of contact would even hurt you. I always thought my mother would have other things to be worrying about, or would be busy enough anyway - but I know now that as her child, I'm never going to be far from her thoughts.

Nowadays, I'm not the inconsiderate 18 year old I once was. I love spending time with my parents, and it's only in the last 5 years or so that I've developed that adult relationship with them. It sometimes takes a few years for teenagers to grow out of their old ways of relying on their parents for everything and treating them as a supporting role in their lives, rather than an active player.

In your post you mention that there was no falling out, and while it's hard to tell when she will eventually start spending more time with you again.. at least you know that you've done nothing wrong. The next time you manage to nab some alone time with her, you could bring it up in a gentle sort of way and see what she says.

Merkin

Bleakly wrote: »

She doesn't ring me on the phone. When I do call, she doesn't answer. Then she sends a text saying she was busy doing something. I get this everytime. So I just gave up calling.

I personally wouldn't give up. She is young and it sounds like she has her head up her own arse and is simply wrapped up in herself and her new relationship (which given her age probably won't last a lifetime) but she will grow and mature and you will more than likely be her friend at some stage when she matures into a young woman. I'd keep the lines of communication wide open if I were you. Continue to text and invite her around. I'd also maybe suggest a girlie day out together before Christmas. Why not suggest meeting up just the two of you and go get your nails and hair done together and then go for a bite to eat and a few cocktails? Make it a "just girls" event and use it as an opportunity for a catch up and rebond? I bet she'd love that.

Dellnum

My daughter left home about 2 years ago and this year has only come home once. Now I speak to her on the phone a few times a week, but more often than not I am the one who rings her. I know it is not that she isn't interested in chatting to me, it is just that when she comes home from work she has to make a dinner, clean up afterwards and she is often jaded. I have often rung her and she would know it was me and she wouldn't answer. One time I rang twice and the second time she picked up and when I asked her why she didn't answer the first time she just said "I would have had to get up and answer the phone and the phone was across the other side of the room". I was a bit put out by that but then I do understand. She will be home for Christmas but she will be dying to get back to her own home again. I am just glad that she is happy. I know she loves me but if I was living on my own I would expect her to take that into consideration when planning her Christmas, but I would probably just tell her to suit herself as I love spending time on my own and Christmas Day on my own would not faze me as I would have my bottle of wine, chocolates and I would watch whatever programme I felt like on the t.v.

So to answer you question I could say that I am in the same situation as you but I have not taken offense as I am only too pleased that my daughter is independent and happy.

Beruthiel

Bleakly
You posted about this before? I remember because I am in a similar situation, in so far as my daughter is also living with her b/f. She works and has a busy life so I don't get to see her that often.
However, that doesn't bother me as I'm also a busy woman.
It's normal for a child to grow up and carve out a life of their own. A parent must learn to come to terms with that.

I'm going to take a leap in assumption here, you don't have a lot of friends or hobbies that keep you busy so this bothers you more than it should?
You need to focus on yourself now and pursue your interests and go about making friends.
If you were a busy woman this thing with your daughter wouldn't bother you so much.

In saying all that, you do need to have a chat with her with regards to her avoiding you as that is not a problem I have with my daughter.
I happen to be in the city centre tomorrow to meet up with some people, so I rang my daughter up in order to have dinner with her and to catch up. She's good fun to hang out with and I consider myself lucky that we get on so well.
From what you say, you cannot even do that?
You need to tell her that she is hurting you when you organise something and she cancels on you.
Point out to her that you don't wish to be a hassle, but that you just want to see her now and again and spend some time with her.
Organise to meet up with her in a place that is convenient to her, that way it's easier for her.

Are there any things they ye have in common?
Myself and my daughter like the same kind of music, books, food, xbox so we have lots to talk about.
As my daughter is 25 now, I consider us more like friends than mother and daughter when we hang out. If you approach your relationship from that angle I believe it would be much easier for both of you.
Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Many thanks for all of your replies and taking the time to do so. I have read them all.

Firstly, my daughter is 24. She is my only one child and is now a lovely young woman.
I am kept very busy with work and getting on with things. I have good friends, I do go out and I do enjoy myself. But family is family. You can't keep so busy that they don't cross your mind.
We were very close when she was growing up and right up to the point when she left home to live with her boyfriend at his family house.
No I am not going to go up and appear on their doorstep. I would rather wait for an invite. I have never been invited. I don't know why that is. It is strange, but I can live with it..
I am not looking for looking for much from her, just some mom and daughter time. But everything seems to be difficult..
Of course, a child carves out their own life, We all did. When I left home. My mother never kept in contact much. I was nearly always the one who made contact first. I wasn't as close to my mum as I am to my daughter. Yet I did make contact and meet with my mum for to spend time together. Oh, my daughter knows I'm here and that I love her very much. All I want is for to be happy, well and safe. That's all I ask

I did ask her yesterday about meeting up near where she lives, somewhere convieniant. I even suggested meeting up after work, going for a walk, something to eat or drink, do some shopping, anything really. She replied that she would be too tired and that she had some other things to do. I was disappointed. Then I said, for her to let me know when we can meet up. She just said ok will do.

I know for sure that we will meet up before Christmas, and like last year, she won't be spending some of the day with me. So I have been making plans just in case it happens again this year. I was totally unprepared last Christmas and it was the second miserable Christmas I had in my life. So this year, I am not going to let it happen to me again.

Yes, it is difficult when you have had a wonderful relationship, to see how things have transpired over the past year and some months. When I read of daughters and mothers meeting up for some regular fun days out, it brings me down.

All I can hope is that some things will change and settle and we can meet up more often. I hope.

Let me finish by saying, I am happy that she is doing her own thing, being independant and carving out a life for herself. I love that. As long as she is happy, well and safe I'm good with it.

Stavro Mueller

Maybe you should do what Beruthiel has suggested and tell her how hurt you feel. Without knowing you or your daughter I can't say for sure what's going on but it is very sad. I just wonder has her boyfriend got anything to do with your being cut off? Did you know him at all before she moved out? What sort of relationship did you have with him? Did you like him?

December2012

Could you arrange to be near her home and rung her saying "oh I'll be by your house in about 15 minutes, I'll call in to see you and the boyfriend".

Do you make an effort to be friends with her boyfriend or his family?

Your daughter may feel that she can't or shouldn't have to invite you.

Stavro Mueller

Have you ever tried inviting your daughter/boyfriend/his mother over to yours for a meal/cup of coffee?

LegacyUser

Also, OP, it took two of my daughters some years of living independently before they came out of their own bubble and became aware of their own family. Before that, they were so involved in their new lives that it absorbed all their thinking. It was all they spoke about, and all they did.

But eventually they relaxed enough in their own lives to notice me and their siblings. That's when they started to communicate properly, to be helpful and to want to be part of our lives.

It felt like they had finally opened their eyes and actually *saw* me, and their siblings. That's when I felt they had really grown up, no matter what jobs or boyfriends they had.

So don't give up.

LegacyUser

Sybill wrote: »

Also, OP, it took two of my daughters some years of living independently before they came out of their own bubble and became aware of their own family. Before that, they were so involved in their new lives that it absorbed all their thinking. It was all they spoke about, and all they did.

But eventually they relaxed enough in their own lives to notice me and their siblings. That's when they started to communicate properly, to be helpful and to want to be part of our lives.

It felt like they had finally opened their eyes and actually *saw* me, and their siblings. That's when I felt they had really grown up, no matter what jobs or boyfriends they had.

So don't give up.

I would say that this is the problem, OP.

Young people tend to take their family for granted. Not necessarily in a bad way, but they just know that their family isn't going anywhere and thus, they don't really need to worry about them. In fact I think often young people don't really think much about their families. I know it sounds crazy, and possibly very selfish, but I don't think it really occurred to me until I got a bit older that my parents were people with feelings just like everybody else. It was very hard to look at it like that because to me, they were just my parents and they were just there. I didn't think to consider them in a wider sense. It's a strange mentality but I think it's one that a lot of young people have, and that doesn't change until they mature considerably.

Everyone situation is different. Your daughter will come round, OP. She is enjoying her new life and wrapped up in it. I've recently moved out and gotten my own life so to speak, and things like visiting and calling my family just completely slip my mind. I never had to think about it before!

Give her some time and she will come back to you. I think the more space you give her, the more she'll realise it too. She needs the chance to decide for herself that she wants to see you.

amybabes

I cannot believe this thread. Being in Australia the last 5 years, I speak to my mam once or twice a week on the phone and I make the effort to call her as its cheaper, she knows to expect my calls on a sunday (for about half an hour) and then often a 5/10 minute call midweek to say hi. It is as important to me as it is her I reckon. I am 26 but I have done this since i left home 5 years ago at the age of 21 religiously and cannot imagine that if I lived 20 mins from my family at home, that I would not take even 30 mins out of my whole week to pop over to my mam for a cup of tea and a chat, or go for lunch or just spend time with her at least on a weekly basis. I can imagine how incredibly hurt you must be OP.

Would do anything to have that time with my family, your daughter doesn't realise how lucky she is to have you close by. Think of all the families seperated by emigration. I know i personally save my backside off to try and get home every 2 years to get a couple of weeks with mine.

I am a great believer of not letting things go unsaid, especially with the distance between me and my family, therefore i never hang up the phone without telling my mam i love her, if i'm upset about something i have it out with her, but to imagine,you saw your daughter just 3 times in a full year - when she is only 20 mins away and there's no apparent reason for this seperation, that's really not right. It could be so easily resolved having it out with her and letting her know how you feel, and it won't continue to go on. Time is precious after all.