Living together after breakup

castle

We are married over 12 years and over the last couple of years we have become distance and that loving feeling for both of us is all but gone. We have 3 children and we both play active part in their lives and I want to remain living with my girls as they are my everything .At the moment wife has moved to downstairs bedroom and we actually are getting on a lot better which is want we both want. Children not aware of anything different as wife would often sleep downstairs watching TV and then fall asleep. She is a wonderful mother but to easy on them for her own good.
We have spoken about how to proceed going forward and she accepts so far that I have as much right to be at home to kiss my girls good night and be there when they wake up in the morning. I have also been the tougher of the two when bringing up the girls so much that she would find it tough without me there all the time and eldest is starting teenage years (and confides in me about things in her little life and is a Daddy's girl ) the youngest is a handful for her mother but is normally good for me as I don't take her tantrums and know how to get who is good mood.
So far so good but has anyone ever done this and this it last until an age when children where ready to fly nest, 3 months down the line and there is no issue and general mood in house is much better. We have made decision not to tell girls until the need arises. If we meet other people we will be up front and explain where we at and family home is out of bounds in relation to inviting anyone back which is mutual for both of us. I do have right to live with my girls and their mother to be fair is a very special lady who believes the same. She above been spiteful as I am. Just like to hear from others who have tried this.

username123

My husbands parents did this and 2 of their 3 kids ended up in counselling as a result. All 3 kids say now they wish the break up had been a clean break and living under the same roof til the youngest was 18 was a huge mistake.

They had good intentions and initially things were fine but when one person had healed enough from the breakup to move on and want to start dating again there were problems.

It's not going to be a very attractive prospect to a new partner if someone is still living with their ex wife or ex husband. Alternatively, choosing celibacy is not healthy for 2 adults either. Maintaining a household with your ex is not helpful in terms of moving on.

I'm sorry, but I think it's a bad idea.

maria34

username123 wrote: »

My husbands parents did this and 2 of their 3 kids ended up in counselling as a result. All 3 kids say now they wish the break up had been a clean break and living under the same roof til the youngest was 18 was a huge mistake.

They had good intentions and initially things were fine but when one person had healed enough from the breakup to move on and want to start dating again there were problems.

It's not going to be a very attractive prospect to a new partner if someone is still living with their ex wife or ex husband. Alternatively, choosing celibacy is not healthy for 2 adults either. Maintaining a household with your ex is not helpful in terms of moving on.

I'm sorry, but I think it's a bad idea.

Yes how about the new partner in few years? Who will put up with that kind of situation? I would never do that too much hassle.

alias06

Staying together for the sake of the kids is a disaster. It would be better for them if you were both happy in other relationships. It sounds like you are both civil to each other so could make the arrangements to see the kids.

im confused again

While this is working out now, it will fall apart when new partners come on the scene. Although it will be very difficult for either of you to find a new partner under these conditions. When either of you fall deeply in love with somebody new the landscape will completely change.

It's important for kids to learn how adults live a life in a loving relationship, this will be very confusing for them, more so as time goes on.

I agree with the other posters, and while its not what you want to hear, it will not work in the long term, sorry.

aidan24326

Sorry Castle but I can only echo what has been said. It's great that you and your wife still have a good relationship but it is no longer a marriage and kids are not stupid, they will pick up on that very soon if they haven't already.

Staying together for the sake of the kids is a noble aim but it's not necessarily the right thing to do. Over time you and your wife will grow more distant, other people will enter the equation, and it will just become confusing for your kids, not to mention downright awkward for you and your wife.

I trust you don't want to remain celibate for the rest of your life but that's where you're heading with this arrangement. What woman would want to be with you knowing that you still live with your wife? Not many.

meoklmrk91

I don't think this is a good idea, while you may think your children don't know, like all children they are very sensitive to the feelings of their parents. You ask anyone who grew up in a tumultuous situation and they will tell yo that their parents thought they were hiding it and the kids knew nothing when in fact the opposite was true. It may be goin well now but if your eldest is just hitting her teen years now and you have younger children that means that there will be a lot of years to come if you decide to keep up this arrangement, it is only natural that durin that time one or both of you could meet someone else and while you now say that ye have set ground rules if those relationships become serious then things may very well change.

If what's you both want is a stable home for your children and for both of you to be involved heavily in their lives, then there are solutions. One of the better ones I have heard of is the children stay in the family home permanently, mother and father find alternative accomadation but take turns looking after the kids, say mam is there half the week and Dad stays the other half. If it all possible this seems to be the fairest and the least upsetting for the children. Or of course one of you could find alternative accomadation and move out permanently, this could perhaps be a later evolution of the first plan.

While your relationship as husband and wife has ended you now have to embark on a new relationship as co-parents of your children, as long as you both can be civil and supportive of eachother in that role then it should minimise the upset for your children.

The Corinthian

I'm going to play Devil's Advocate. Sort of.

The parents of a good friend of mine essentially did this and effectively still do. From what I can make out, they essentially have an open marriage of sorts, where any extra-marital relationships were discretely kept out of the house and out of sight and, fortunately, both parents remained friends and got on together well.

The secret of their success appears to have been:

• They each resigned themselves to never having any new meaningful relationship again.
• They agreed to an open marriage where it came to sexual relationships and were able to keep this discrete, not only from the children, but also from each other (rather than provoke jealousy) and overall avoid jealousy (as even being discrete won't necessarily stop the green-eyed monster from appearing).
• They were able to remain good friends.

My own feeling is that they are very much the exception, rather than the rule. Such an arrangement can work, but I'm of the opinion that for most people it simply wouldn't.

As such, you should ask yourself seriously whether you and your wife could hack such a relationship. Could you seriously forgo any possibility of any future meaningful relationship? Could you deal with either celibacy for the rest of your life or agree to an open marriage without ever letting that get the better of you emotionally? Can you see yourself remaining good friends with your wife (not just 'getting on')? Now ask the same questions of her?

If you can, then it may be a viable option, but if either of you are even hesitant on answering yes to any of the above, then you are better off not going down that road.

meeeeh

I know two couples that did this. One has 2 and the other one 3 kids. They are all in their 30ies and only one of the 5 kids seems to be in a normal committed relationship. Two have serious issues about especially women but sometimes people in general. I have limited experience so I don't want to generalize, my gut feeling is that it's particularly healthy for anyone involved.

The Corinthian

Just to add, where it comes to my example. All three kids, they had, are now happily married, with kids. However, this is my only experience of such an arrangement so I would not take too much hope from it.

Beruthiel

castle wrote: »

Just like to hear from others who have tried this.

I tried it for a few months for the sake of our daughter.
For the sake of my mental health, I eventually had to leave.
I could not handle it.
It was like living in some kind of weird limbo and we were on good terms with no real hassle.

Good luck to you if you can manage it castle, but my mood and general over all well being improved dramatically once I found my own place to live and started living life again on my own terms.

Merkin

Fine as an interim measure until one/both of you get on your feet. This arrangement will only work until one of you meets someone else and then, regardless of how amicable things have been up until now, it will descend into handbags at dawn.

If there is no chance of a reconciliation, you need to be totally honest with your kids. My sister-in-law is scarred by her parents living together (but no longer as a couple) and staying together for the sake of the children....it rarely works out the way you would hope and wish for. Kids tend to like being told the truth and kept in the picture and however well intentioned it is, continuing on as is would only be deceiving them in the long run.

Make a clean break for all your sakes.

LemonWorld

EDIT: sorry for the lengthy post. I'm completely aware it's totally subjective, so feel free to ignore as appropriate.

Just saw your post and thought my perspective might hopefully be helpful to you.

I suppose my view comes more from the perspective of your children. I'm in my early 20's and the eldest of 3 children. My parents finally properly separated when I was about 11, but only after years and years of trying to hold things together despite it all quite clearly falling apart.

People seem to think the emotional damage suffered by children during separation is due to the fact that their parents break up and move out. My experience, at least, is that the real damage is done before this and happens growing up living in the warzone that is a broken relationship. When you spend all your time growing up in an environment where shouting matches/plates breaking/door slamming become everyday, you grow to think that that's what a normal relationship is like. Clearly it's not, and it never should be. It's only now that I'm into my 20's and starting to have my own relationships that I can appreciate this.

Perhaps you and your partner can maintain a good relationship? I'm sure you probably won't have the same explosive arguments my parents used to have. But, despite what you may tell yourself, you're NOT going to be able to maintain a good atmosphere in your family home in this situation. No matter how courteous and civil you and your wife are to one another, no matter how well you think you've protected your children from it all, there will always be an underlying tension and your children WILL pick up on it. Whether you like it or not, your relationship with your wife will set a precedent for your kids that will stick with them for life. Even if you do manage to live just as friends, for your children to grow up and not see the little touches of affection and intimacy that are a healthy part of any normal loving relationship is setting them up for a skewed perspective of love and romance when they begin their own adult relationships.

I love both my parents very much, and if anything, I actually have quite a bit of respect for what they tried to do for us by clinging on in there for so long, even though it must have been so horrible for them. I think it would be easy to resent them, but in the end I'm just so glad they gave up when they did so they could go and live and enjoy their own lives too, and let everyone get out from that toxic, miserable household. The initial shock when they finally separated and my Dad moved out was difficult at the time, but looking back that short-lived knock was much, much more bearable than living any longer in such an unhappy house.

I noticed from your post that one of your biggest concerns seems to be moving out and leaving your children? I don't have children so I'm not going to even pretend I can comprehend how that would feel. I suppose I should probably just add though that the time I spent with my Dad post-separation was when I actually had some of the most fun with him! It's so much better to spend quality time with your father a couple of times a week, to see him relaxed, happy and in a good mood, than to share a house watching him suffer in misery.

Best wishes to you and your family

Tramps Like Us

It sounds like she might be reasonable in terms of letting the kids stay with you half the week or something so explore that

Cold Chocolate

alias06 wrote: »

Staying together for the sake of the kids is a disaster. It would be better for them if you were both happy in other relationships. It sounds like you are both civil to each other so could make the arrangements to see the kids.

They aren't "staying together". They broke up.

OP if I were in your situation I would do the same thing. The only caveat is that you both must be emotionally mature and in control of your egos. For that reason I'd recommend you both read " A New Earth" by Eckhaart Tolle.

So long as you both get on well I don't see how this will "damage" your children.

Cold Chocolate

LemonWorld wrote: »

EDIT: sorry for the lengthy post. I'm completely aware it's totally subjective, so feel free to ignore as appropriate.

Just saw your post and thought my perspective might hopefully be helpful to you.

I suppose my view comes more from the perspective of your children. I'm in my early 20's and the eldest of 3 children. My parents finally properly separated when I was about 11, but only after years and years of trying to hold things together despite it all quite clearly falling apart.

People seem to think the emotional damage suffered by children during separation is due to the fact that their parents break up and move out. My experience, at least, is that the real damage is done before this and happens growing up living in the warzone that is a broken relationship. When you spend all your time growing up in an environment where shouting matches/plates breaking/door slamming become everyday, you grow to think that that's what a normal relationship is like. Clearly it's not, and it never should be. It's only now that I'm into my 20's and starting to have my own relationships that I can appreciate this.

Perhaps you and your partner can maintain a good relationship? I'm sure you probably won't have the same explosive arguments my parents used to have. But, despite what you may tell yourself, you're NOT going to be able to maintain a good atmosphere in your family home in this situation. No matter how courteous and civil you and your wife are to one another, no matter how well you think you've protected your children from it all, there will always be an underlying tension and your children WILL pick up on it. Whether you like it or not, your relationship with your wife will set a precedent for your kids that will stick with them for life. Even if you do manage to live just as friends, for your children to grow up and not see the little touches of affection and intimacy that are a healthy part of any normal loving relationship is setting them up for a skewed perspective of love and romance when they begin their own adult relationships.

I love both my parents very much, and if anything, I actually have quite a bit of respect for what they tried to do for us by clinging on in there for so long, even though it must have been so horrible for them. I think it would be easy to resent them, but in the end I'm just so glad they gave up when they did so they could go and live and enjoy their own lives too, and let everyone get out from that toxic, miserable household. The initial shock when they finally separated and my Dad moved out was difficult at the time, but looking back that short-lived knock was much, much more bearable than living any longer in such an unhappy house.

I noticed from your post that one of your biggest concerns seems to be moving out and leaving your children? I don't have children so I'm not going to even pretend I can comprehend how that would feel. I suppose I should probably just add though that the time I spent with my Dad post-separation was when I actually had some of the most fun with him! It's so much better to spend quality time with your father a couple of times a week, to see him relaxed, happy and in a good mood, than to share a house watching him suffer in misery.

Best wishes to you and your family

It doesn't have to be a warzone. You are presuming that the OP and his wife are immature.

why are you presuming that the OP and his wife will be miserable?

Cold Chocolate

aidan24326 wrote: »

Sorry Castle but I can only echo what has been said. It's great that you and your wife still have a good relationship but it is no longer a marriage and kids are not stupid, they will pick up on that very soon if they haven't already.

Staying together for the sake of the kids is a noble aim but it's not necessarily the right thing to do. Over time you and your wife will grow more distant, other people will enter the equation, and it will just become confusing for your kids, not to mention downright awkward for you and your wife.

I trust you don't want to remain celibate for the rest of your life but that's where you're heading with this arrangement. What woman would want to be with you knowing that you still live with your wife? Not many.

I contend that if they are both remain present and in the moment they will have a better relationship under the new arrangement.

alias06

Cold Chocolate wrote: »

It doesn't have to be a warzone. You are presuming that the OP and his wife are immature.

why are you presuming that the OP and his wife will be miserable?

Doesn't matter how mature you are. After a break up there is going to be hurt, anger and resentment. Both parties might be able to keep it to themselves but you could cut the tension in the air with a knife. And that's not a good environment for kids. Get out of each others hair, meet other people and the kids will be better off.

miss no stars

OP, why not pose it as a form of insurance for the future. Things are great now and everyone's happy. Let's agree to review every 6 months (or as needs arise) and be honest about where things stand? Either agree to talk now about the long term picture (few years down the line and one of you wants to start seeing someone... what happens?) or agree to think about things to figure out where both of you stand and then talk about it in a couple of weeks. You both seem really calm about it and open so maybe you could both see a relationship counsellor separately and together to make sure things aren't being burried for later resurrection in an argument.

I'd also try to get a time-frame for telling the kids. Figure out your short-, medium- and long-term plans as best you can so that the kids know where they stand (especially in regards the house). I wouldn't worry too much about it being a shock - they'll figure it out by themselves and will probably welcome any doubts they have being sorted out. There's a lot of good advice here about non-traditional splits such as the parents alternating when they live in the house with the kids, rather than moving the kids around the whole time. Obviously things as simple as household chores and food could become silly (but real) bones of contention in that scenario. You could also have different plans for different times. You might decide to keep the current arrangement for a year to allow the kids to get used to the idea in their heads and then look towards selling the house/one person moving out. Or you could decide to keep the status quo for a couple of years until they've all gotten to ages where they don't want to be tucked in to bed (10, 11ish?) , then make a full split. What you do will obviously have to come down to what's right for you, your wife and your family but if everyone remains on good terms then, whatever way you decide to go, I'm sure the kids will pull through fine.

username123

I think 'not telling the children until the need arises' is a deceit that your children won't thank you for.

It's awful when parents are not straight with their children about big life issues like this. This is how they learn about relationships, learning that something they thought was a relationship is fake is not going to be good for them.

I think you and your ex wife need to ask yourselves some serious questions about your mutual inability to move on and make a healthy break. What you both want to engage in sounds hugely dysfunctional, even if you are not actively fighting or arguing, it's just not healthy for any of you.

Cold Chocolate

alias06 wrote: »

Doesn't matter how mature you are. After a break up there is going to be hurt, anger and resentment. Both parties might be able to keep it to themselves but you could get the tension in the air with a knife. And that's not a good environment for kids. Get out of each others hair, meet other people and the kids will be better off.

For some people yes, thats a sweeping generalisation that isn't true for everyone.

alias06

Cold Chocolate wrote: »

For some people yes, thats a sweeping generalisation that isn't true for everyone.

Well it is a generalisation yes. There is always some hurt and anger in a break up. At the end of the day one person is rejecting the other or both parties are rejecting each other. Rejection causes hurt and leaves the wounded party feeling aggrieved. Now obviously some break ups are more amicable than others and people can choose to be civil and contain their hurt feelings as much as possible. But I don't believe there is ever a break up without hurt. And if you stay living with that person that hurt and anger will be harder and harder to contain especially when other people start entering the equation. This idea of staying together is supposed to be for the kids but in the long run I don't think its a good idea for anyone involved.

RoscommonTom

Fair play to you you sou d like a very loving father, I have to agree with the other fellas thought I'm sorry to say and say it might be best if you live seperate, I know it might not be what you want to hear, best if luck

bp

I know a couple where luckily they had two house side by side (semi-d) so the mam lived in one house and the dad the other. There was a door between the two houses for the kids so although they knew their parents were separated and technically lived with their mam their dad was literally next door and it worked.

But as I said they were lucky to have the two houses.

Good luck and do what feels right only you know your kids and family

Sleepless and Manic

This confuses me.

I mean its not "breaking up" if you still live together, its just making new rules for the relationship, like separate bedrooms. I can see how other posters have said it must be confusing for the kids. How would this arrangement shape their perceptions of relationships for their future.

willow tree

You seem to still love each other, although not being in love & theres deep love for the kids. Break ups are always painful & sad. But once its dealt with & you both move on it can be a positive thing. Friends of mine co parent & live beside each other. It works so well. They share, even on the other's day (so if its the mums day they might all have dinner at hers & on the dads day, she might still collect kids from school)..kids seem very happy. Also importantly.. parents are able to grow in their new single status. Mums in new relationship which would be difficult in the same house. Anyway, Everyones different & what works for one couple doesn't work for all. However i do believe the end of a major relationship does need to be mourned.

castle

I do see the main point here that you can't really breakup fully if you living together, See I made a decision to work part time along with wife for a few years while girls where not at school going age so we could mind them ourselves so the fact that I would have to move out really upsets me I actually crying typing this part but if this is the best for my girls then I might have to make the hardest decision in my life but not this side of Christmas as Santa has to come to my youngest as this will her last as far as Santa goes.
See I am not breaking up from why girls so this really why I thought best to stay,

Polyethanol

castle wrote: »

I do see the main point here that you can't really breakup fully if you living together, See I made a decision to work part time along with wife for a few years while girls where not at school going age so we could mind them ourselves so the fact that I would have to move out really upsets me I actually crying typing this part but if this is the best for my girls then I might have to make the hardest decision in my life but not this side of Christmas as Santa has to come to my youngest as this will her last as far as Santa goes.
See I am not breaking up from why girls so this really why I thought best to stay,

Fair play, from what I've read you and your wife should be very proud at how you are dealing with this.

willow tree

What a tough time for you. I hope youve lots of support. Counselling can really help to see things clearly, a space just for you. This situation may work but youll need clear & constant boundaries. Good luck with it all