Loneliness is ruining me.

WhatToDo22

My problems, I think are rooted to one simple fact. Loneliness.

I'm a 22 year old male living in Wexford. I've had only one proper adult relationship a few years ago and have always had trouble when it came to "doing the deed", which has resulted in virginity plaguing my mind more and more (I know people will say it's unimportant, but easier said than done).

I recently met up with a girl and we clicked instantly, a lot in common and very compatible. The problem though was that I live in Wexford and she lives in Dublin. With busy schedules and the like we only got a chance to briefly meet up 3 times in a month. I was hoping to see where this went and try the long distance, but it was not working for her. She felt because of the distance and time strains I was more a friend to her than anything more.

Now I'm well used to hearing this from the opposite sex, but something about it was different this time because we were both very into each other straight from the start.

At the end of the day the virginity problem seems the very least of a host of many, but coupled with the very real growing fear that I will never find someone.

All this has built up on years of bullying through school practically destroying my self confidence even to this day.

My head is swimming through all this and I'm afraid to tell anyone about all this outside of this screen of anonymity.

All this is only scratching the surface of what is going on in my f*cked up head.

What do I do? Should I tell this woman how I feel or should I just move on from it and continue struggling through singledom and loneliness.

Sorry if I have wasted your time after reading this, but thank you to those that did. It really is better to get it out somehow.

Tasden

Well I do think you should move on from the girl, and I wouldn't say its necessary to tell her how you feel as I don't think it'd change much. But you do need to discuss it with somebody. I think you should talk it all through with a counselor if its getting you so down.

Also know that being single does not equate to loneliness. Do you have friends? Are you trying to make more friends since you feel lonely?

I think your bigging up the whole virginity issue in your head tbh. And I know it's difficult but try to separate finding a nice girl from finding someone to lose your virginity to. If you want a girlfriend that's fine but don't go looking for one purely because you feel you need to rush losing your virginity. Not saying this is the case at all.

Hope this helps somewhat. All the best

WhatToDo22

Tasden wrote: »

Well I do think you should move on from the girl, and I wouldn't say its necessary to tell her how you feel as I don't think it'd change much. But you do need to discuss it with somebody. I think you should talk it all through with a counselor if its getting you so down.

Also know that being single does not equate to loneliness. Do you have friends? Are you trying to make more friends since you feel lonely?

I think your bigging up the whole virginity issue in your head tbh. And I know it's difficult but try to separate finding a nice girl from finding someone to lose your virginity to. If you want a girlfriend that's fine but don't go looking for one purely because you feel you need to rush losing your virginity. Not saying this is the case at all.

Hope this helps somewhat. All the best

Oh no don't get me wrong I would not rush into anything just to lose my virginity.

I do have friends, I'm very close to my family and I've been trying to keep myself busy to get my mind off things.

It's when things calm down or I'm lying in bed at night, and my mind starts going into overdrive, just wishing I had someone to share things with, to spend time with.

I think in my case, my own company is the most dangerous of all.

The girl I was with before, which was for about 5 months, really loved me. I felt awful because I didn't feel the same and it I ended up hurting her deeply, though it was not intentional at all.

Tasden

Well that's good that you have friends and family around you.
I get what you mean about lonely nights and stuff but tbh I'd see it as just a temporary thing. You've been loved before and you had this thing whatever it was with the other girl. You're not hideously unlovable obviously, so just wait it out. Maybe try enjoy your own company more in the evenings- I probably have the opposite problem to you, I enjoy my alone time too much sometimes! Some of my favorite evenings are at home with a few candles lit and the radio on or reading a book relaxing, or drawing. Admittedly I do keep busy so winding down is a bit of a luxury at times but you can find something that you enjoy doing in your spare time so it doesn't seem such a dread to be alone.
Maybe my advice is bad but you just seem to be a normal nice lad who will eventually meet someone but just needs to enjoy the time he has before that happens.

WhatToDo22

Tasden wrote: »

Well that's good that you have friends and family around you.
I get what you mean about lonely nights and stuff but tbh I'd see it as just a temporary thing. You've been loved before and you had this thing whatever it was with the other girl. You're not hideously unlovable obviously, so just wait it out. Maybe try enjoy your own company more in the evenings- I probably have the opposite problem to you, I enjoy my alone time too much sometimes! Some of my favorite evenings are at home with a few candles lit and the radio on or reading a book relaxing, or drawing. Admittedly I do keep busy so winding down is a bit of a luxury at times but you can find something that you enjoy doing in your spare time so it doesn't seem such a dread to be alone.
Maybe my advice is bad but you just seem to be a normal nice lad who will eventually meet someone but just needs to enjoy the time he has before that happens.

I appreciate all that you've said. It's not ad advice at all. I do enjoy some alone time sometimes, like you said I just need to enjoy it more.

I do like to think I'm not completely repulsive haha, but you know what peer pressure is like at times. I remember having a blazing row with a friend one night coming back from a nightclub because he kept pressuring me to try to 'get off' (horrible phrase btw) with someone.

But what I came out of that argument with was that he completely understood that I just don't like randomly walking upto someone in a nightclub and trying it on. It's just not me. When I told him all about my virginity all I got in return was "I know, so what?" There was no more after that.

I do realise looking back on that night, that people can surprise you in situations like that. I know it's all just in my head at the end of the day.