I'm finding college really stressful I don't know what to do?

LegacyUser

So my lecturer assigned most of us groups he just put a list up with names , so you had to try and find the people. It's been about 4 weeks the project is due in 2 weeks. One of the lads in class yesterday in my group but I hadn't seen him yet mentioned to the lecturer that he can't find anyone in the group. I never see him around either and our course is big. I messaged the guy without adding just saying I'm in his group or whatever and asked if he knew the other lads. He didn't reply and I know it's the right guy I messaged. I'm just finding it stressful the way I can't find any of them. I asked many people in the class if they knew them and know one does . The guy has seen the message but he didn't reply so I'm just so frustrated and don't know what to do. This guy mentioned to the lecturer yesterday he couldn't find anyone but the lecturer didn't seem to care I messaged him and he never replied I just don't ever see him around with the course being big.
Also for another project due Monday we're supposed to put ourselves into groups I'm just not that close to anyone yet and the people I already know are in groups so I'm just finding this whole group work frustrating and it's stressing me out. If I go up to the lecturers they'll just think I've done nothing or left it late. I don't know what to do... I just hate college. I'm really anxious and upset about everything and I was on another course last year failed two modules but switched to a new course now I'm even thinking of going back to my old course and just repeating the modules. I joined this course 3 weeks in and I hang around with people but I've found it really hard to get close to anyone yet I just feel really alone this year.

What can I do? Just finding this whole thing so awkward and stressful.

MissFlitworth

mizz214 wrote: »

If I go up to the lecturers they'll just think I've done nothing or left it late. I don't know what to do.

Group projects are stressful and horrible, at the start. I was in the *exact* same boat as you are now a couple of years ago and, honestly, lecturer doesn't give a rats if you've left it late, they only care that the work gets done. Go up to them! Get contact email addresses for the people in the project group you are in and get in touch with all of them rather than just the one guy and for the project you don't have a group for say it to your lecturer. You won't be the only person without a group. If you're finding it hard to physically go up to your lecturer send them an email and then follow up with them.

I genuinely know exactly where you're coming from, I find getting into groups with people I don't know really stressful, but one thing I learned from college is that nearly everyone is the same way. I only used to notice the confident happy types already in their groups at the beginning of the course and thought everyone was immediately confident and firmly in groups but then I realised there were a lot of us floating around the edges trying not to make eye contact with anyone and feeling a bit rubbish. You'll come across this issue with group work no matter what course you are in, switching back to another isn't going to help that, so try and knock it on the head now. It'll stand to you right the way through college if you do.

sadie9

It is normal to feel stressful like this in a situation that is unfamiliar. You'd be unfair to yourself to expect yourself to manage everything perfectly straightaway in a big new environment. Accept that it's going to feel clunky and awkward for a while. Don't mistake that clunkiness and awkwardness feeling as 'meaning' anything about the sort of person you are. Be willing to feel that feeling and still go ahead and get on with the work in hand.
Lots of other people will be in the same boat. Maybe a couple of people got lucky with their groups. When I did a course a couple of years ago we had the exact same issue. Our biggest problem was not the work but the putting of ourselves into groups! Eventually the lecturers had to help us out with that. It is no reflection on your abilities that the groups thing is difficult.
Some people don't answer the messages because they haven't worked out how to use the college emails yet, or whatever.
If you go to the lecturer and say 'Look I can't find anyone in my group, I have tried to contact one person but got no reply. I am very willing to do the work, can you show me how to do such a task on my own that'd be great'.
Don't be too hard on yourself. It's still early in the academic year. Making friends takes a bit of time. Again you'd be unfair to yourself to expect to make friends instantly. You are on here seeking support and that shows you are a person who actively seeks help to solve their problems, and a willingness to put a bit of effort into finding support for yourself. That bodes well for the future for you.
Another thing I'd strongly suggest is contact the Student Counsellor and have a chat to them. They are there to support you and get you back on track, and I'm sure they would have lots of useful suggestions.
A self-compassion exercise you can do in your head if you are daunted by the lecturer and what they might think about you, is say to yourself - if the lecturer really really knew how worried you were about the groups, if he could really feel the way you feel, wouldn't he be really sympathetic and helpful? Would he not like want to shake your hand and say to you 'I admire your perseverance in this. I'm really sorry you were feeling like this, I do not intend to cause any other human being such stress over this, of course I'll help you move forward on this course in any way I can'.
The lecturer is just another human being blundering through life like the rest of us. They are there to help and support your learning, they are not there to judge you. Best of luck with it.

xxmeabhxx

I experienced the same thing when I was in first year! 120 people in the class and a few weeks in we were assigned groups and given each others email addresses and told to make contact with them and do our work. For us, we had to do a small weekly assignment. It wasn't too bad for me because I got into contact with two of the guys and but there were two who were awful and never showed up. One of them turned up one or twice I think and got 30%. I've literally never seen the other girl ever. She must have dropped out or was put in the list accidentally. Anyways, you could try asking the lecturer if it's ok for some of the people in the group to do the assignment? With us, if someone in the group missed a week then their name wouldn't be put on the assignment and they'd get zero while the rest of us got marked without penalty. The same system might apply to you?

Also, the group projects will get easier. You'll get to know people and figure out he's a good worker and the lecturers may let you choose your own groups in future years. I think they do that a bir more after first year and it's much easier to pick people when you've a group of friends.

I don't know how shy you are OP but you could try introducing yourself to people and asking them if they know the people on the list. I imagine at this stage there's still people feeling lost and maybe lonely, they'll probably appreciate someone making the first move and they may be able to help you find your group or vice versa.

LegacyUser

The guy I messaged contacted me back and we spoke the next day so thats fine now we just need to find the other people it seems like just me and him for now. I never actually see him around. I didn't add him as I don't know if it'd be weird to add him since we never spoke. Don't know if I should add him as a friend or not when we're sending assignments or whatever?
My friends I hang with one asked if I had a group yet and they asked if I wanted to be in theres luckily its good. I'm still worried about future group assignments when we have to choose ourselves. I'm also really shy around the people I hang with still there's usually around 8 of us and I'm not the best in groups but I get on with them just I'm quiet a lot of the time so I'm still finding it hard to get to know everyone. I do try to make an effort sometimes but a lot of the time I don't know what to say.

sadie9

Great. Sounds like you are doing fine. It will take time to get to know people. If you are willing to endure the feelings of shyness, they will go away soon enough, once your brain gets used to everyone. So persevere. You can sit there AND have the thought that you don't know what to say... AND still be okay. The way I think of it is that as the 'Thoughts Police' sent in by your brain because it thinks they need to be there to keep you safe. And sometimes they do their job too well.
After a situation like that, instead of being hard on yourself and saying stuff like 'what's wrong with me, why didn't I talk more' you could take the stance of 'I did really well to stick out that situation. I was feeling really awkward and inside I was panicking I couldn't think of anything to say, and that didn't feel good. But I stayed in that situation, because I want to make new friends and develop myself and that those feelings will go away soon. So in actual fact I am doing really well with that'. The feelings will be there so you may as well be nice and supportive to yourself about them. If you can pause for a few seconds after situations like that to put things into a positive perspective, after a while you will automatically do that instead of beating yourself up. I find that really helps me a lot. We can try to put our self-bully in its place when it comes wading in to kick off about stuff when I'm already feeling fragile enough, thanks very much.
Remember Bill Gates was an introvert and fierce shy, he probably felt awkward around people all his life and probably still does. (probably helps being a billionaire I guess!). People get a sense of you no matter how much or how little you talk. And some people talk too much too. Talking a lot is a good way to hide your insecurities. Some people can't sit quietly and endure feelings -that takes guts. Ask any shy person.