Should I end it with him now?

messed up feelings

I would really appreciate some advice/opinions/slap on the wrist. Just over 2 years ago I got together with a guy who I had known as a good friend for quite some time. I knew before we got together that he liked me but I didn’t feel anything for him that way until we actually ended up going out together one night and kissed. I was never head over heels attracted to him but we really got along well and had similar personalities. So we were going out for about a year and I really started to feel that it was not the right relationship for me. He is a great guy but I just didn’t feel any spark or any physical attraction at all really. Anyway after a lot of soul searching on my part I eventually broke it off with him. He was heartbroken and couldn’t understand where I was coming from. I didn’t explain myself very well to him as I wasn’t really sure myself at the time what the problem was.



We were apart for about a year and I started to really miss him. I got lonely and me being an idiot all I could remember were the good times we had together. After a lot of contemplating I decided to shoot him off an email. He responded saying he would really like to meet up to talk. We did and he really wanted to try to get back together. I did too. He told me he loved me. I can’t say that I felt the same way (or ever told him that I did). But I thought that maybe love could grow. So we decided to give things another go, this time with better communication between us. At this point I really thought that this time we could make things work.



That was about 2 months ago and we have been seeing each other a couple of time a week since then but we haven’t slept together since getting back. Over the last few weeks I have started to feel like I did before and am just not attracted to him. It’s like my mind was playing tricks on me fooling me into thinking that he was the one for me when we were apart. But once we are together I feel like it’s into friend zone. I think I may just have been lonely and really wanted the companionship…..
I feel awful now as I have been stringing him along. I assured him that I thought our relationship could be the one. I really did believe this. But I just don’t feel that spark and I really can only see him as a friend. He will never be friends with me (he has told me this before and that hurt). It’s a relationship or nothing at all as far as he is concerned. That means that if we break up now I will never see him again and I will have really messed with his head and emotions. I am so confused and feel terrible. I wish I had never tried to contact him again……



Anyway I don’t really know what I am looking for from posting here but would love any advice from anyone who has ever experienced similar feelings and how it worked out or didn’t work out in the end….. I suppose I am unsure whether I should stick it out and see if my feelings change or if I should just end things now and let him move on. Having written it down here it seems obvious to me that I should break up with him but I don’t want to hurt him all over again. I just feel like if I end things now I will be tearing his heart into tiny pieces and stomping all over it L By the way I am in my 30’s so I really should know better….

strobe

I realise this is going to be blunt, it's meant to be, but hopefully it's not too harsh.

Stop screwing this poor guy around. You're being extremely selfish and you're doing nothing but using him. Appologise to him and end things with him, then stay out of his life and let him off to find someone that genuinely loves him and wants to be in a relationship with him for the right reasons.

messed up feelings

Yes, you are right. Blunt alright but I think I need you to be. I have let it get to the stage now where I don't want to break up for fear of hurting him but I have already done that. I just wish I could change my feelings for him.

heretochat

I agree with strobe. You only got back with this guy as a result of your own loneliness.. You are stringing the lad along on a false pretence and to be fair to him you need to end things with him now..

strobe

messed up feelings wrote: »

Yes, you are right. Blunt alright but I think I need you to be. I have let it get to the stage now where I don't want to break up for fear of hurting him but I have already done that. I just wish I could change my feelings for him.

Yeah I know what you mean. It's tough, no one likes being lonely. And no one likes having to hurt someone they like, even if it's for the best.
I'm not saying it's easy but it's the right thing to do.

You don't sound like a bad person and doesn't sound like you set out to intentionally hurt anyone, hopefully the two of you can go on and meet other people and both be happy with them.
Maybe even at that point once a bit of time has passed you could be friends again.
Lots of people are convinced they could never be friends with an ex, like your man said, feel a kind of relationship or nothing way about it, but time moves on, you meet someone else and fall in love with them and it doesn't seem like such a big deal anymore.

LegacyUser

Spare the guy the future heartache and break up with him ASAP. He deserves it now rather than sometime down the line when he is even more emotionally attached/involved with you.

You owe it to yourself as well as there is no point in being in a relationship of this nature.

I wish you well

messed up feelings

Deep dude, You're right about me being a flaky nightmare, I know that. But I do care alot about him. Just as I care alot about a small number of other very close friends. It just seems that it is as a friend that he appears to me. I just seem to leave a trail of destruction wherever I go. I will just tell him the truth. That appears to be mean enough I think.

Merkin

messed up feelings wrote: »

But I just don’t feel that spark and I really can only see him as a friend. He will never be friends with me (he has told me this before and that hurt). It’s a relationship or nothing at all as far as he is concerned. That means that if we break up now I will never see him again

I think it would be very selfish to expect any semblance of a friendship or to keep in touch with him. That would be for your own gain while leaving him in limbo when he is clearly in love with you. You need to make this second break final and be very clear that you have not and will not ever have any feelings for him. Don't make promises of "let's be friends"....in this instance that would be merely rubbing salt in the wound. I'd pull the plug on this as soon as possible, the longer it lingers on the harder it will be.

Goldenlady

OP I know exactly how you feel. There is a guy (My friends call him my safety blanket!) and its terrible. we went out for about ayear a few years back, I broke up with him and really hurt him as I went back with an ex. fast forward to this year and I break up with ex, and end up back with him again. we get on great etc but the spark isn't there. I just had to bite the bullet a few weeks back and tell him we aren't right for each other. its not fair on either of us, you need to be cruel to be kind. make it clear. the guy I was with was saying oh maybe timing isn't right now, and I said it wont ever be. harsh but true. it wont be easy, but im same age as you. no point in being with someone cos you are lonely, you owe that to yourself. best of luck xx

Grimebox

I've been on both sides of this before. Cut communication with him. Nobody wins as is. He is being strung along and you are filling a void with something sub-par. Move on for both your sakes.

beks101

Imagine the same thing happening to you. Imagine being absolutely, madly, crazy in love with a good friend of yours, for years, and suddenly something happens. You're floating on clouds as a relationship develops - something you've wanted for ages - you're falling even harder for this person, and suddenly when everything seems rosy, they call the whole thing off.

So your heart shatters into pieces, you lose not only your love but this wonderful friend you had too...and just as you're beginning to get over the heartbreak, they make a reappearance in your life professing feelings and regret and affection and all those things you probably fantasized would happen someday during the breakup. So you jump back in, glad that your love has finally come to his senses and seen that you're meant to be together...and suddenly...they're gone again.

Not trying to make you feel worse than you already do OP, but when your feelings aren't really engaged in a relationship, it's hard to truly appreciate how hurtful your actions are to someone whose feelings are. This guy is going to be devastated - again - and the friendship most definitely lost, and it all could have been prevented.

Be straight with him. Do it today. You already know you have to, you're not going to develop chemistry and feelings overnight, and prolonging it by even a day is unfair to him. Be a friend, show that you care about him and have that conversation without delay.

Don't beat yourself up too much. Dating is about learning and growing and coming to understand what you are and aren't looking for in a partner, and unfortunately that learning process can be full of fcuk ups, heartache and loss. Learn from this.

canonball5

Hi OP, I just thought I would share my experience with you. I was this guy a few months ago when my ex turned around to me and said exactly the same thing you've posted up. She thought we could continue to be friends. This is absolutely impossible when one person has feelings and the other person doesn't.

I can't begin to explain how unbelievably devastating something like that is to hear when you have some much feelings and care so much about someone. The fact you will have to put this poor guy through this twice in hard to express in words. You really are a selfish woman and you don't really deserve him.

You need to tell him quick and let this guy meet someone who does care about him

Karen8

Didn't you just promise to this poor guy to have a better communication once you got back together? You owe this to him. Tell him how you feel asap.

messed up feelings

OP here, thanks for all the advice guys. I should clarify that when we talked about getting back together this time, I did explain to him that I wasn't sure how I felt and that I care about him deeply but didn't know if I loved him. I have kept him up to date with my feelings and I am not hiding anything from him. We have already talked about this quite a bit. But I know I am letting him down hugely at the same time. He did not get back with me with his eyes closed. But judging by all the advice it seems that he is just not the one for me and that is unlikley to change with time.

Merkin

messed up feelings wrote: »

OP here, thanks for all the advice guys. I should clarify that when we talked about getting back together this time, I did explain to him that I wasn't sure how I felt and that I care about him deeply but didn't know if I loved him. I have kept him up to date with my feelings and I am not hiding anything from him.

You're not hiding anything from him but you are instilling him with false hope. Every day that you continue to be with him he will be thanking his lucky stars that it's one more day with you and all is going well. I've been on both sides of the situation here so I'm not judging you but you do have to put a stop to it. Not just for him but also for yourself. Why waste time with someone you don't love and have no prospect of loving?

lmos

Hi OP I feel like I am in a very similiar situation at the moment. I have also been wondering/confused what to do. It seems clear to me now though. Thanks for sharing. Best of luck to you...its not easy on either side.

Merkin

I know, I've been on both sides and its simply unfair on the party who is more keen. I think when you're mad about someone you absolutely know it tbh so when you're just so meh about someone who's so keen you have to do the decent thing.