Workaholic girlfriend - any advice?

davlar87

Hi everyone,

Here are the facts:
* This girl and I have a relationship going. We have yet to have 'the talk' to confirm what we are i.e. a couple, but all signs point to the fact we are. Evidence of this includes multiple dates, cuddling, plenty of physical contact and having fun together.

* She has had bad relationships in the past with guys mistreating her and not giving her the affection she needed, so when we talked about this, she said she wanted to 'take things slowly' but that 'we're definitely more than friends'.

* She is doing a Masters at the moment and that is taking up a lot of her time. Sometimes she doesn't get to bed until 3am. My work schedule isn't always conducive to the regular Friday/Saturday dates, but we've made it work in the past.

* Recently I asked her if she wanted to come over for dinner etc. (something we had discussed before on a few occasions), but she said she was busy with assignments that are particularly taxing. I asked again for this week, but the weekdays don't seem to work for her.

So, what I'm wondering is how can I approach her about this issue (of not enough time together due to work) without seeming like I'm putting her under pressure?

I just feel a little bit hard done by; I am a very patient person and because I like her so much I'm willing to wait it out for the moment, but it just feels like if she really liked me that much she'd make the effort to meet up. I would do the same for her.

What I really want to say is 'I really like spending time with you so much and this time apart sucks!' but I don't want to appear desperate and 'show my hand', so to speak.

If you need any further clarification on our relationship history to better answer the question, feel free to ask in your comments.

Thanks for your time.

ibarelycare

Your girlfriend isn't doing unnecessary overtime at the office every day...she's doing a masters. This is something she's worked for for years, it's something that takes a huge amount of time and work, and her future career could depend on it. I don't think you can ask her to spend less time working, and to spend more time with you. Anyone who's doing a masters has to expect to sacrifice a lot of their life for one year.

She has turned you down twice. Instead of asking her to meet you on a specific day/time, ask her "what day would suit you next week to meet?" and work out when fits both your schedules.

Faith

I've just finished a Masters and I could never have predicted what a massive workload it would be. It had me tearing my hair out. If I hadn't lived with my OH, I doubt we'd have seen much of each other. I was so knackered from the workload that I cut way back on socialising. I couldn't even work up the energy to talk on the phone!

Like ibarelycare said, ask her when would suit her, or say something like "Okay, I'll wait for you to make plans whenever suits you so". You can't turn a Masters off at 5pm or stop thinking about it or take weekends off. You'll just have to bear with her, tbh.

unattendedbag

I was in a similar situation to the op in the past and it never really got off the ground because of the sheer workload involved in a masters. It's almost as if she has to choose between one and the other. OP you have to accept the current situation with rarely seeing each other until she's finished and just wait it out if she's worth it. If you ask her to choose then there's a good chance you'll come off 2nd best.

P. Breathnach

unattendedbag wrote: »

... If you ask her to choose then there's a good chance you'll come off 2nd best.

I think that is probably true. And it's not necessarily because you are truly second best, but because trying to force her in these circumstances is a wrong thing to do, and by doing that you change your value to her.

The likelihood is that the Master's is very important to her, and she needs your understanding and support. If you don't give that to her, you are telling her that short-term fun is more important to you than her commitment to a major project that could affect her life chances.

Either she is worth waiting for, or she is not. That's your choice.

davlar87

Very good advice, everyone.

I think she is worth it, to be honest, and I'm going to wait it out. To address an earlier post, I always try to accommodate her timetable as best as I can and ask what time would suit her. It's not like I'm badgering her or anything. I really just want to be there for her when she needs a time out from all the work and hassle.

Thanks so much for that, guys.

LegacyUser

I know that it is not an easy situation to be in with your girlfreind.

I know that for someone doing a master is a lot of work and if they are working full time I can understand why she has not got much spare time.
I had a number of freinds who were in a similar situations over the past number of years.

One thing that my frieinds did when working long hours/studying and some time doing both was the following:
a) they would send each other a text each day
b) they would arrange a time to ring each other every few days
c) They would give up a few hours once or twice a month to got out to the pub/meal out/cineama which give them both somthing to look forward to.

If you are going out with a nice person it is worth being flexable if they are working long hours/ studying.
For most people who study when working full time it for x period of time and they normally do this to progress there career.
Some times you need to see that this will finish in x month and after that we will spend more time together once this over.

Emme

davlar87 wrote: »

Very good advice, everyone.

I think she is worth it, to be honest, and I'm going to wait it out. To address an earlier post, I always try to accommodate her timetable as best as I can and ask what time would suit her. It's not like I'm badgering her or anything. I really just want to be there for her when she needs a time out from all the work and hassle.

Thanks so much for that, guys.

OP, your girlfriend is under a lot of pressure and this is probably hard for you to understand. I haven't done a Masters but I have done a degree by night and study like this can take up all your time.

Would she be happy for you to go over to her place and cook dinner for the both of you while she's studying? That might mean more to her right now than going out to a restaurant or out somewhere.

davlar87

Emme wrote: »

OP, your girlfriend is under a lot of pressure and this is probably hard for you to understand. I haven't done a Masters but I have done a degree by night and study like this can take up all your time.

Would she be happy for you to go over to her place and cook dinner for the both of you while she's studying? That might mean more to her right now than going out to a restaurant or out somewhere.

Oh I completely understand she needs time and I totally respect that.

I haven't been over to her place yet, and I'd prefer her to ask me and not the other way around. I am doing a dinner for her at my house next Tuesday which should be good.