Relationship with dad, depression

LegacyUser

I'm 21. My parents spilt when I was younger and he lives in another town now for work. I still live at home with my mother and younger sister. I still see my dad at weekends as he comes home and stays with my grandparents (his parents). He's always been there for me and my sister since him and my mam split up and he is a great dad.

I wouldn't say I have a bad relationship with him, we don't argue or have any problems or anything but for some reason our relationship is pretty awkward a lot of the time. I hang out with him, like going for lunch or coffee or for a walk or something when he's home and sometimes we chat away and its grand, but other times I feel like we've nothing to say to one another and its a bit awkward. In ways he is just a bit socially awkward in general and I think that's a factor. I can be too I think! He can just be really hard to talk to sometimes. I feel really bad about this as he does make the effort and I feel bad about the fact that he doesn't get to spend as much time with us as he'd like and that he has to live away from his family during the week. Sometimes I worry that this awkwardness makes it seem like I don't like him, which isn't true...

My sister has a similar relationship with him. Me and her sometimes talk about it and say that we feel bad and hope he doesn't think we don't like him..

Anyway good few years ago, my dad was suffering from depression and was even admitted to a mental hospital for a few weeks because of it. I was too young to fully understand it then but I still knew what was going on etc and any questions I had were answered etc.

I've known since then he has been on medication for it and has been feeling much better. But the other day, my mam told me that he's taking some time off work because of the depression again and he seemed to be doing grand. I sometimes had wondered would this happen again. I know depression can just happen out of nowhere but sometimes I wondered would the fact that, as I said, he has to live away from his family and maybe he thinks we don't like him, could cause the depression to come back.

Now that it has I can't help but feel guilty. Since he's been off work for the last few days hes been at home in my grandparents and I've seen him a few times but, because of the awkwardness I've mentioned, neither of us have brought up the subject.

I know I should but I don't even know where to start or what to say.

And now I'm worrying that he now thinks that because I havent said anything that I don't care. I'm sure he knows my mam told me.

LittleRose

Hi OP,

I think you really love your Dad and recognise that he hasn't had it very easy. You obviously have a lot of empathy and emotional intelligence.

I think it would really help him if he knew how you felt about him. It certainly won't do him any harm. But I know that it's really hard for you (and he) to get the momentum going between you both to discuss feelings or anything.

Would you consider writing him a letter telling him all this? Just to let him know that he is important to you / you love him/ you think he is a good Dad, you like spending time with him and you need and want him in your life. I really think it would mean the world to him to read that - to have it in writing to keep forever. You don't have to go over the top if you're not comfortable with it but just explain to him that you're writing it because you find it hard to say in person and you could go on to list all the good things about him and how much you value him as a person. I'm sure it would be like gold to him to read that.

I hope anyway, that you do find a way. It's so important to reach out, especially when someone is down. Best of luck!

Tramps Like Us

OP you're 21 and at this age you dont really have much in common with your dad, you are in the limbo position between being a teenager (when obviously your parents are major figures and there can be conflict, you report to them, they are very involved with your life) and a "proper" adult when you will have common adult stuff with your dad, like maybe having kids, getting married, work, paying bills etc. I don't think your relationship with your dad is that unusual to be honest, sounds pretty normal.

It can be hard to just sit down and talk. What I suggest is finding a common interest and sharing that with you dad. That could be as simple as firing on sky sports and watching the football together on a Saturday. Maybe it could be driving and visiting places, museums, tourist attractions that type of thing. The cinema. Or going to concerts. It could even be reading, if you both like certain types of books you can swap them or something. Just some common interest or thing to do rather than just sitting there looking at each other. I mean I could do that and chat away grand with my dad like that once a month maybe, but every week? No chance it would be like pulling teeth for both of us because well nothing really happens in one week.

As for the depression thing it is important to understand that often there is no cause. You are not making him depressed. Often on paper life is fantastic but for some reason the person is depressed. My advice would be to treat it as you would if your dad broke his leg, or had a bad back that flared up. I mean you'd ask how his back or leg was doing wouldn't you? He is not going to bring it up. Ask him how he is doing, he'll probably just say "ah I'm grand" or something but he'd appreciate that you asked and the awkward elephant in the room is gone.

Best of luck OP.