Recently married, husband not bothered about sex

LegacyUser

So my partner and I have been married for a few months, together for 4 and a half years in total. We have what I would consider a very good relationship. We are a great match for each other.

However, the one area where the above is not true is our sex life. About 2 years ago things started to dwindle. The main problem being he started only lasting a minute or two. This led to him not really wanting to do it at all anymore. It pretty much stayed that way for the next 18 months. He never wanted to talk about it, until I eventually said we had to as it was causing me issues.
He saw a specialist who gave him some daily meds to try but they didn't work. Since we got married he has gotten some Viagra but we are yet to try it as he's not really fussed.

It's like he had no passion at all. I haven't really felt he wanted me sexually for a while now. If say we have sec maybe once every 4-6 months. We still kiss and snuggle up together but that's it.

Whilst all this has been going on My sex drive seems to have increased! Now I'm not getting any I want it more than ever before. I have an old flame who I had amazing sexual experiences with years ago and I now find myself lusting after him again.
I would never cheat on my husband and I don't really even flirt with other men. But I find myself thinking about the old flame quite regularly and I know he thinks about me too. We talk fairly regularly because we've always been very close.

Whilst this old flame will always have a special place in my heart, I feel the lack of sex with my husband has exacerbated the feelings of lust. As when we had a good sex life, I rarely thought about the old flame in a sexual way.

How do I encourage my husband to be more passionate? I really do try and get him in the mood and drop little hints about how I'd love for him to sweep me off my feet and show me how much he loves me. But it doesn't really happen

Kauto

Forlorn123 wrote: »

So my partner and I have been married for a few months, together for 4 and a half years in total. We have what I would consider a very good relationship. We are a great match for each other.

However, the one area where the above is not true is our sex life. About 2 years ago things started to dwindle. The main problem being he started only lasting a minute or two. This led to him not really wanting to do it at all anymore. It pretty much stayed that way for the next 18 months. He never wanted to talk about it, until I eventually said we had to as it was causing me issues.
He saw a specialist who gave him some daily meds to try but they didn't work. Since we got married he has gotten some Viagra but we are yet to try it as he's not really fussed.

It's like he had no passion at all. I haven't really felt he wanted me sexually for a while now. If say we have sec maybe once every 4-6 months. We still kiss and snuggle up together but that's it.

Whilst all this has been going on My sex drive seems to have increased! Now I'm not getting any I want it more than ever before. I have an old flame who I had amazing sexual experiences with years ago and I now find myself lusting after him again.
I would never cheat on my husband and I don't really even flirt with other men. But I find myself thinking about the old flame quite regularly and I know he thinks about me too. We talk fairly regularly because we've always been very close.

Whilst this old flame will always have a special place in my heart, I feel the lack of sex with my husband has exacerbated the feelings of lust. As when we had a good sex life, I rarely thought about the old flame in a sexual way.

How do I encourage my husband to be more passionate? I really do try and get him in the mood and drop little hints about how I'd love for him to sweep me off my feet and show me how much he loves me. But it doesn't really happen

Suck the cock off him and get him interested

ZiabR

Kauto wrote: »

Suck the cock off him and get him interested

Completely out of order...

Senor Frog

I know the previous poster was prob just taking the piss with his bj comment. But I think why not? I don't think there is a guy out there that doesnt like a good bj...plus then on the second round he will last a bit longer.
You could also say to him why don't you just try taking the Viagra , there's no pressure to perform afterwards just see how you feel...he will no doubt def want to have sex after the Viagra

Big Bag of Chips

Kauto, as per the charter:

Reply to threads in a civil and well phrased manner, remember being a Personal Issues board the contents of some threads may be very close to people's hearts

Your post falls short of that, I'm afraid. This is a heavily moderated advice forum, with zero tolerance for muppetry.

logik, report a post if you have a problem with it. Don't drag a thread off topic by commenting on it.

LegacyUser

I have tried things like bj's and such to get him in the mood. Sometimes it work but it's always like he could take it or leave it. It's difficult to continue bring enthusiastic when he isn't bothered either way.

I think the reason I'm lusting after the old guy so much is because he really wanted me and he wasn't afraid to show it. It was a real turn on. It's not so much a turn on having to coax someone into being intimate with you.

It would mean so much to me if one day he turned round and said "I want you so badly right now".

I don't think he knows why he's list interest either. He reckons he doesn't know why. I told him if he's concerned about not lasting long then we can do other stuff, but it clearly still bothers him. I don't think he "sorts himself out" much either.

Neyite

Op, if this issue began 2 years ago, why did you get married a few months ago? Did you not have doubts before the wedding, or did you think marriage would change things?

I'm not being cheeky by the way, I am trying to understand why you would not have considered that this was a potential Big Problem in your relationship and try to resolve it before you got married. He may have a medical issue or psychological one, or it may be just plain laziness. Any chance of depression? Sex drive can plummet sometimes if someone is depressed.

Trouble is, you don't know because he has refused to communicate. He saw a specialist at your insistence, was prescribed viagra, but hasn't bothered to take it. Now you want a husband to sweep you off your feet, yet he never seemed to be that person in the first place.

He has no reason to change as things stand. He can argue that you knew this was the deal, and you still signed up to be his wife.

The constant rejection you must feel has to be eroding your self confidence, and over time, and it will impact on the kisses and cuddles and cosy chats that make the other parts of the relationship great. I think at this stage you need to get tough and have a temporary separation. It might be the shock he needs to either tell you what is going on, or to seek proper help in fixing it. One thing for sure, you cant go on like this.

Aint Eazy Being Cheezy

Have you asked him straight out what the problem is? It could literally be anything, stress at work, questioning his sexuality, having an affair.

Best to just ask.

im confused again

A lot of good comments above.

Could be a confidence issue but that doesn't excuse his lack of effort.

It's amazing how a drop in sexual confidence effects a man. If you've tried a few times and he hasn't got turned on then that feeds doubts into the next encounter. If he didn't get an erection the last time you guys fooled around then he will have this playing on his mind the next time round and this really really messes up a lads ability to perform.

If you could get him to try the Viagra I think that would be a life changer. You are about to explode so no doubt you would have an orgasm which would be a huge ego boost for him.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

Op here, thanks for all the comments.

Well I married him despite this issue because I love him very much. I wouldn't want to be without him and, except for this one area, we have an excellent relationship. For the first couple of years we had a really great sex life, so I know it's possible. I wish I knew what caused him to start having issues down there.

Yes I think the Viagra may be key here. I do understand its difficult to be confident when you keep having problems.
That's why I don't want to seperate or give him an ultimatum. I still love him no matter what happens.

We have talked about it numerous times. He can never explain why he's lost interest and just shrugs his shoulders. We say we're going to make more of an effort but it just doesn't happen.

I've mentioned the Viagra a couple of times now since he got it so I think I'm gonna leave the ball in his court for a few days. I'm interested to see if he makes a move now. I think I need him too.

strobe

From reading your posts OP I wouldn't be pinning a lot of hope on the viagra sorting the issue... By all means give it a shot and hopr for the best of course.

However I very much get the impression from what you've said that the issue is that your husband has little to no desire to have sex, or have sex with you, not that he can't have sex or can't get an erection.

The fact that towards the beginning of the issue he started to only last a couple of mins suggests to me he was 'trying to get things over with' as quickly as possible due to not having any real desire to have sex rather than suggests any kind of sexual disfunction where he unwillingly could only last that long. Sounds like a symptom of his lack of desire to have sex, not a cause or contributing factor.

I think maybe that's what you need to address. You need to get him to be completely open and honest with you about why he thinks his desire to have sex has gone. If it's a general vanishing of his sex drive, or a vanishing of his sex drive in terms of sleeping with you.

If he genuinely doesn't know which it is or why, then he needs to do what he has to to get to the bottom of that.

aidan24326

OP, I would second what Strobe just said. Viagra will not necessarily be the magic solution to this. Yes it helps a guy to get a lasting erection, but the mental desire has to be there in the first place. Viagra sorts out the mechanics but that's all it does.

You need to force the issue a bit here and make him be brutally honest with you about this. Has he lost the desire to have sex, and if so why? Or has he just gone off sex with you? Although you feel the relationship is good in every other way, over time this will gradually erode it if not dealt with. It simply isn't normal for a newly married guy to not want to have sex with his wife, and his lack of effort would be the main concern imo.

yoloc

Kauto wrote: »

Suck the cock off him and get him interested

Even thou that was abit out of order for this thread, i laughed my balls off because it was the last thing i expected lol.

Big Bag of Chips

yoloc infracted for off topic posting. There's a standard of posting expected in Personal Issues. Please read the charter, and a few threads to get an idea for what is allowed here. Breaches of The Forum Charter regularly result in loss of posting rights to this forum.

newbie2013

Would you ever think of dipping your toes in the swinging scene. Maybe he has went of you yet still would like sex with others. You never know, it might just be the spark your sex life needs. You should seriously discuss this with him.

Merkin

strobe wrote: »

Sounds like a symptom of his lack of desire to have sex, not a cause or contributing factor.

I think maybe that's what you need to address. You need to get him to be completely open and honest with you about why he thinks his desire to have sex has gone. If it's a general vanishing of his sex drive, or a vanishing of his sex drive in terms of sleeping with you.

If he genuinely doesn't know which it is or why, then he needs to do what he has to to get to the bottom of that.

100% in agreement with this. It seems like he hasn't really been a. totally honest as to why he no longer has a desire to sleep with you and b. taken steps to then address the issue. It needs to be established if he just doesn't want sex full stop (medical issue) or just doesn't want to have sex with you (relationship issue). I wouldn't let this slide. I'm presuming you may want to have a family together? That's not going to happen as things stand. This needs to be addressed head on, I think you've both pussy-footed and evaded the issue long enough. Hope things work out for you.

LegacyUser

It's funny you should say that as the topic of swinging actually came up in conversation before. He was pretty certain he wouldn't want to do it.
I've asked if it's specific to me, or a general loss of interest. He says it's not me specifically and can't explain why he's not fussed.

He hasn't made any advancements since I last posted. I've mentioned it a couple more times. He just says there isn't time. We did use Viagra once before and it took him an exceptionally long time to climax, so he's using that as a bit of an excuse.

Neither of us wants kids so that's not an issue.

I know I won't be able to live the rest of my life not experiencing real passion ever again. But I also don't see myself without him. I still have hope that we can fix this issue. I will keep persevering.

Then again, perhaps he has lost interest in me specifically. Sometimes he will wake up and be very aroused, way more so than when we fool around, so maybe he's been dreaming of other women and that's why he wakes up so turned on.

I really just don't know.

Merkin

Forlorn123 wrote: »

He says it's not me specifically and can't explain why he's not fussed.

He hasn't made any advancements since I last posted. I've mentioned it a couple more times. He just says there isn't time.

Time for what exactly? To get things sorted? He can't just make a unilateral decision on your sex life. What about your needs and desires and expections? (Which are entirely normal and healthy by the way). You're evidently not at all happy with the status quo and it seems like he just can't be arsed sorting it out.

Have you considered couples counselling or psycho sexual therapy? To me it seems like you need third party intervention as he would seemingly be quite happy to let this slide and not bother having sex anymore.

FLOWERS1

I don't know but do you think its cause you got married and the fear and pressure of married life, I'm going through something similar myself my partner never wanting me but I also have a fear of marriage and the forever and ever to me sounds like its carved in stone, is kinda scary to me, maybe you could discuss that. I really do wish you and your hubby the best and hope you find a solution and if you do please please let me know what it is

newbie2013

Forlorn123 wrote: »

It's funny you should say that as the topic of swinging actually came up in conversation before. He was pretty certain he wouldn't want to do it.
.

Was it you who brought it up. Would you be comfortable with swinging if it did put teh spice back into your relationship

ShaShaBear

Most men wake up with the "morning horn" as they call it. Doesn't mean they've been dreaming about other women, its to do with a full bladder pressing against bits and pieces.

My partner usually dreams about scoring a fantastic goal with an assist from Suarez for Liverpool, and wakes every morning with an erection. That doesn't mean he is gay (although I question his love for football )

OP, its time to give him an ultimatum. Either go to couples/sexual counselling, or you will need to come to another arrangement. You're obsessing over mentioning this old flame, like someone here is going to give you a go-ahead.

LegacyUser

I can assure you I have no desire to actually cheat on my husband. I'm also not looking for the go ahead. However I think I probably am obsessing slightly over that feeling of being wanted and by mentioning it as part of these posts I was probably hoping someone would say "don't worry, it's understandable" or something along those lines.
That it's ok to have these feelings, but I'm certainly not looking for someone to say it's ok to cheat.

I'm just trying to be honest. Maybe I've been in the wrong with some of my posts.

suicide_circus

Personally I don't understand why you married your husband while someone else who you still carry a flame for will "always hold a special place in your heart".....

Speaking from experience, I cannot emphasise how much stress at work can sap a man's sex drive

LegacyUser

I got married because I'm in love with my husband. I don't love the other guy and I'm not interested in having a relationship with him. However, he is still an important person to me who provided me with support, in various forms, during a difficult part of my life. That's why he will always have a place in my heart. But it doesn't mean I have feelings for him in the same way that I do for my husband.
I wouldn't have thought it was that unusual to be honestly. Not all relationships end badly. You can end up with one person, but still look fondly on your time with others.

At the end of the day, yes I've had some sexual thoughts about this other guy but my priority is fixing the issue at hand with my husband. I only brought up these other feelings to show how serious the issue had become for me.

I will take all advice on board and hopefully we can, as a couple, get to the bottom of his loss of libido. Whatever the reason may be.

Jellyhead

Forget the relationship counseling, that end seems fine from what you say, seek out a sex therapist that might awaken him to what he's missing! don't worry about the fantasies they are just a byproduct of frustration and not what you really want..Its horrible not to feel desirable and wanted in a relationship but it sounds to me like his natural sexual desire needs to be awakened, its in all of us just needs to be found!

dannyc31

I got married because I'm in love with my husband. I don't love the other guy and I'm not interested in having a relationship with him. However, he is still an important person to me who provided me with support, in various forms, during a difficult part of my life.

OP this is perfectly alright about the other guy we all have those special people who were in our lives at a certain time.

but i do have to agree with some of the other posters here, if this issue started about 2 years ago, i think it was'nt a good idea to rush into getting married just yet. at the end of the day you have now made a legal commitment for life with this person, if this explodes into being a bigger issue there is alot more hassle to getting out of a marriage. sometimes loving someone is not enough, in fact what does that actually mean anyway. you love your parents and siblings but you wouldnt marry them. being with someone that is right for you really means you have to be right for each other in every aspect including sex. too many people right off the issue of their sex lives not being up to scratch as not an important issue but its actually just sticking your head in the sand until one day these issues get too much. OP i feel this is maybe what has happened here. you have been ignoring this issue for two years now hoping one day that you'll just wake up and everything will be ok.

a question you need to ask is what was going on in your lives at the time when you felt all of sudden you noticed this change in him? did you move house, did he change job, did someone close to him die? you may find there was a trigger there.

i would actually recommend he go to counselling first, not together as this may just increase his anxieties. let him talk through his issues with a good counselor. one of the best questions a good counselor will ask a person is "how do you actually feel in these situations?" men are notoriously bad at not recognizing how they are actually feeling or even understanding those feelings so i think you need to help him help himself first sort out the issues in his head OP. best of luck

topcatcbr

Jellyhead wrote: »

Forget the relationship counseling, that end seems fine from what you say, seek out a sex therapist that might awaken him to what he's missing! don't worry about the fantasies they are just a byproduct of frustration and not what you really want..Its horrible not to feel desirable and wanted in a relationship but it sounds to me like his natural sexual desire needs to be awakened, its in all of us just needs to be found!

I agree with this. It may just be it's not a priority wit him and he might snap out of it if you both get help.

If this doesn't work then you might need to talk about separation or you taking a lover with his permission as it's not fair on you to go without a physical relationship.

Tramps Like Us

OP, I think your husband has just found sex a miserable experience, and understandably he is not too keen on putting himself through it again. Whats happened him is hugely humiliating and depressing for him, tis the stuff of nightmares for a lot of men. Would have taken a lot out of him to go to a specialist about it so fair play to him.

His reluctance to have sex does not necessarily mean he doesn't want to have sex, or find you attractive or whatever but that its been (through nobodies fault) not a good experience for him.

What he needs to do is see more specialists or therapists about it to sort the problem so I would gently but firmly encourage him to do so, maybe say you will go with him.

Tramps Like Us

OP, I think your husband has just found sex a miserable experience, and understandably he is not too keen on putting himself through it again. Whats happened him is hugely humiliating and depressing for him, tis the stuff of nightmares for a lot of men. Would have taken a lot out of him to go to a specialist about it so fair play to him.

His reluctance to have sex does not necessarily mean he doesn't want to have sex, or find you attractive or whatever but that its been (through nobodies fault) not a good experience for him.

What he needs to do is see more specialists or therapists about it to sort the problem so I would gently but firmly encourage him to do so, maybe say you will go with him.

Tramps Like Us

Forlorn123 wrote: »

It's funny you should say that as the topic of swinging actually came up in conversation before. He was pretty certain he wouldn't want to do it.
I've asked if it's specific to me, or a general loss of interest. He says it's not me specifically and can't explain why he's not fussed.

He hasn't made any advancements since I last posted. I've mentioned it a couple more times. He just says there isn't time. We did use Viagra once before and it took him an exceptionally long time to climax, so he's using that as a bit of an excuse.

Neither of us wants kids so that's not an issue.

I know I won't be able to live the rest of my life not experiencing real passion ever again. But I also don't see myself without him. I still have hope that we can fix this issue. I will keep persevering.

Then again, perhaps he has lost interest in me specifically. Sometimes he will wake up and be very aroused, way more so than when we fool around, so maybe he's been dreaming of other women and that's why he wakes up so turned on.

I really just don't know.

That happens pretty much every man unless they have a physical problem, he could be dreaming about anything, or nothing.

The Corinthian

Forlorn123 wrote: »

Sometimes he will wake up and be very aroused, way more so than when we fool around, so maybe he's been dreaming of other women and that's why he wakes up so turned on.

Quick stab in the dark here; my own libido has been low upon occasion, but this has always been related to stress. Long working hours, unresolved work or personal problems and the like end up sitting at the back of one's mind and one loses interest in sex without even realizing.

Deal with the stress and the libido returns to whatever the normal levels are.

I suggest this as a possibility because I too would wake up, during such periods, with no libido problems at all; for the first few minutes, before you get your coffee and consider what you have to deal with during the day, your mind is still free of all those stresses, I found.

So when you described the same thing, I'd suggest that it's much more likely that the stress he's under has not yet taken hold first thing in the morning, than any residual dreams of other women.

scriba

Just to support what The Corinthian said above. My libido is directly affected by workload and stress, anything which basically fills my mind with clutter: I find it hard to switch that off and be present. When my life goes through a period like that, we just shift our lovemaking and fooling around to the mornings, when I'm rested and relaxed.

OP: I think your husband sounds like he doesn't want to initiate something that he 'knows' will end in him feeling like a failure. It sounds psychological, and now it's just 'easier' not to initiate. It won't simply be a case of him displaying passion again: you'll both have to bring this back slowly again, until his confidence in himself returns. I think you need to talk this out beforehand, in a loving manner, and then work out a plan and schedule, in a most un-romantic manner! Because this is a project, and you have a responsibility to each other, and your marriage, to get things back on track. I don't think it's time for a couples sex therapist just yet, but that would be the next stage. I think what would be useful is scheduled play time together, mutual masturbation, but without any particular goals (for him, anyway). He needs to take the focus away from his own performance and orgasm, and bring himself more into the moment, which is being with you. You know your relationship best, so I won't need to suggest how this might come about. Forget about penetrative sex for a few weeks, until it comes naturally. Even if he seems ready to go, a little bit of teasing will do his desire no harm.

Viagra took him an exceptionally long time to climax? Who says he has to climax every time?

Best of luck, OP