Make or break a 10 year marrige

Fedup13

I have been married for 10 years to my husband and we have 3 children.
My instincts were up the past two weeks and this weekend I confronted him as I found out he had been Flirting with messaging and trying to meet up with a number of women on his phone and through his facebook. He also had started to keep or phone contacts separate and was deleting conversations so they would not be seen.

He calls this harmless flirting but we have a history of this 'harmless flirting'.
Before we got married I caught him sexting with a girl, they were sending each other sexual pictures, he said he was sorry and that it was harmless flirting. We got married and things were good and we had our first child. When our son was 6 or 7 months I found him texting a woman on his phone again he apologised and said it was 'harmless' and he wouldnt do it agin. A few months later I found out that he had met a woman for a drink in a bar in town. He tried to tell me he had just bumped in to her on the street but he was meant to be on the other side of town at a meeting- he later told me alot of bull**** before admitting he lied to me about the meeting but it was just having a drink.

He is really good at talking himself out of a situation and making me feel like I am blowing things out of porportion. We stayed together and as usual things were better for a while.
Not long later we had our second child and when she was not even a year old he came home late from work and apologising that he had gone for drinks with the guys. I was pretty mad and I had a feeling something was not right so I checked his phone. There were 10 messages from that evening between him and women sexting each other and him arranging to come up to the room after he finished his shift in work ( he works in a Hotel ) I woke him confronted him he gave out to me and tried to deny that nothing had happend when they went up to the room. The next morning he tried to tell me it was a one off one night stand.

I later that day called the woman and begged her to tell me the truth about everything because he just kept lying to me. I then found out they had been having sex since I was pregnant with our first child. Now I absoloutely was totally in love attracted to my husband and have a high sex drive. I never ever turned away his advances if anything he would act uninterested in sex. So it was not like he was not getting any at home. I was devastated and we seperated for 6 or 7 months but he did everything to win me back and promised me the earth moon and stars. I loved him and we had two small children and I had to believe.

We started back to couple concilling and a year later we had our 3rd child. Alot of issues came to a head when I confronted his pot problem over a year ago. He had always smoked a lot and had done so before I had met him. He would smoke before work, sometimes in work and after. On his day off always- basically a functioning addict. I gave him an ultimatum on it and he reacted just like an addict it was nasty and he then promised to come off it and said it would be easy as he was not an addict. A month later I found out he had been back on it and I told him to leave as he had chosen smoke over his family. He started in AA and has been seeing a therapist once a week for a year. Things were very bad but we started back working together as a team and he was now present and able to focus on so many more things.
He told me last night that he thinks that this has been our best year together ...so then I asked him WHY did you start trying to meet up with all these women ? He thinks the past should be kept in the past and that this was just a stupid - cross addiction -side effect.
How can I discount the past? I want a divorce... How can I continue with this man..I am so shocked that I am back in this position again and he is trying to make me stay with me. I don't expect anyone to give me the right answer I just needed to talk to someone as I cannot say it to my family and friends...again

Just edited your post to include paragraphs OP, will make it easier to read

Merkin

You poor girl. You're married to a lying dirtbag I'm afraid to say. He genuinely seems incapable of a. telling the truth and b. keeping it in his pants. Not to worry you but have you been for an STD test? It is probably something you should really should consider given his history of cheating.

Rather than going for couple's counselling, would you first consider going to relationship counselling but by yourself? You can do this and have some sessions with a therapist with yourself first before even getting him involved. It might give you an opportunity to discuss all the things that you feel you can't with family or friends and allow you to get things clear in your head before deciding what you want to do and how to approach it.

Fedup13

Thank you for your response Merkin, it such a relief to be able to say it. I have taken your advice and I am trying to get an appointment with a professional. I am hoping for a quick reply.When I found out he was up to this again I told him he needed to get STD tests done but I should probably get it done myself.

Merkin

Yes you definitely do hon. He's such a pathological liar he'd probably tell you he has had tests done when in actual fact he hasn't. For your own sake, get these done to put your mind at ease.

Good girl also on making an appointment. A good therapist will help you see that a. none of this is your fault b. that you shouldn't have to tolerate this behaviour and c. that divorce is often the best option. If he has used tactics in the past to invariably win you back/make you feel bad, they should also be able to arm you with tools to see through this process and remain strong.

I really hope this works out for you. I think you're doing the right thing, you deserve so much more.

Neyite

It looks like you did everything to make your marriage work, but a marriage takes the efforts of both of you. I think you need individual counselling - for you alone to figure out what you want to do next.

Accept that you will never, ever hear the full truth from him. Habitual cheaters lie and minimise and only admit when they are cornered with absolute proof, and even then, usually only to exactly what the proof proves.

Truth is, it doesn't matter if it was flirting, or more. He was on his last chance and blew it. And even if it was nothing more than an innocent text, its enough for you to say "I cant live like this anymore, doubting and mistrusting, the trust is gone, I want out"

And don't fall for manipulative crap like you being to blame for splitting up the family because you consider the marriage over. He instigated the split the moment he crossed the line to cheat. Your children will be far more affected by an utterly miserable mother and horrible atmosphere at home than they ever would with separated parents.

Now is the time for you to be secretive. Consult a solicitor on the quiet first and foremost. Find out what where you stand, and make copies of any relevant financial documents that you will need. Then take action, either by leaving or asking him to leave (whichever your solicitor recommends) and if he didnt see it coming and gets a big shock? Well, too bad.

im confused again

Omg you have been so so patient and forgiving. But it's time to call a spade a spade and move on. You cannot live your life like this. Everybody deserves to be treated with respect and to have full trust in their partner.

If I found out my other half had cheated they wouldn't even get a second chance, never mind all the chances you gave your OH. I would be devastated but I would still move on.

It won't be easy but it will be worth it. Move on now, sort yourself out and then when you are ready, find somebody that will treat you with respect and fidelity.