Is this manuipulation?

LegacyUser

I am in a relationship for 2yrs now. I have split with him probably 6 times in those 2yrs (we are both in our late 30s). Each time we split, he ignores me for a few days and then sends me flowers and is really nice to me (we live together in my home, he has never actually moved out of the home, I have just moved into the spare room for a few nights). Before I know it, I decide that I love him again, and get back with him.

The main issue for me is that he is very selfish and somehow, I end up doing everything for him and nothing for me. For example, I was made redundant recently (have a new job since thankfully) and didn't get alot in my redundancy settlement - but I 'lent' him 2k to get himself a new motorbike. I spent the rest of the money doing up my home..I will probably never see that 2k again as (according to him), our relationship is a partnership and every thing we have is for each other. The bike was the biggest purchase I made..I tend to pay for most things..he lies on in bed until 1pm every saturday and sunday while I do the housework, he moved a few of his pets into the house (goldfish and dog), both of which I feed and care for...I could write a list here but I won't bother because I will just sound stupid.

I suppose I have pretty low self esteem - but every so often (like today) I wonder what the hell is in this for me? He will inevitably convince me that things are great between us and that this mood I'm in will pass...

But I know deep-down that this isn't the life I want. How do I break this awful pattern I have with this man..??? Please don't say 'throw him out'...I have asked him to leave on numerous occasions, he says he will, but he never actually does and probably knows that I will cave in a couple of days....

Tokyo

I think your entire post is the definition of manipulation.....

You row, you split, he sulks for a few days until he realises that he needs his maid/cook/source of income, buys a bunch of flowers, and all is rosy again....

A dozen people are going to come in here and answer your question, but you already know the answer yourself. You've been asking yourself what's in this for you, you've been asking yourself why you're investing so much, financially and personally into a guy that can't even pick himself off the couch until after midday. Self esteem aside, you're better than that, and deserve better.

How do I break this awful pattern I have with this man?

You don't. What you do is leave him behind you ASAP. What are your living arrnagements? Do you have your own home, or are you renting? If you're renting, then it's easy, just walk away and start your own life up again. IF you share a house or a mortgage it gets a little more complicated. But either way I'd get out, go stay with family or friends while you make arrangements for the house. IF the house is yours, it's simple. Ask him to leave. And if he refuses, MAKE him leave.

HomelessMidge

If you own the house and he refuses to leave you just call the guards. Get up early one morning and pack his bags. When he wakes up tell him you want him out. If he doesn't leave ring the guards.

Talk with a solicitor about getting a barring order against him.

The man sounds like a manipulative leech and someone you really don't need in your life.

And about the low self esteem, why not attend counselling?

LegacyUser

Thank you so much for the replies.

I have attended counselling previously - I was single for about 4 yrs before I met him, and I honestly thought I had done alot of work on myself and was a confident woman (I was abused as a child, he doesn't know, won't go into details here, but it wasn't severe, although it has had an effect on my adult life).

It was like when he came along, I completely regressed to the woman I was before the counselling. How sad is that?

I dont' want to ring the Guards. I own my own home - he has never contributed towards the mortgage but tends to pay bills - there is no real structure to our financial situation to be honest - he works on a low wage, my wage is a bit higher - not much, but enough to survive with a big mortgage etc.

He is upstairs now, on the internet, supposedly looking for a new place to live..but I can predict what will happen.

We will go to work tomorrow. He will text me around evening time, asking if we need milk or bread..I will reply (whatever)..and when we get home he will start talking to me as if nothing has happened...

This weeks argument was no different than other arguments - in fact, I don't even remember what it was about - but I know it was his selfish behaviour again. I am no angel, but I know I deserve better.

username123

unregistered wrote: »

We will go to work tomorrow. He will text me around evening time, asking if we need milk or bread..I will reply (whatever)..and when we get home he will start talking to me as if nothing has happened...

When you reply, tell him you do not wish to engage in mundane household matters with him as you are waiting on him to move out and you do not wish to give him false hope.

What you are doing is enabling his manipulation by never following through.

Wait til he is out, change the locks, put his stuff outside in bags. Thats harsh, but the alternative seems to be that you let him stay and stay etc..

Tokyo

OP, it's a tough cycle to break, I appreciate that, and even by posting here for help, it's a step forward, don't lose sight of that.

However, the trick now is to keep moving forward, even if the pace is slow. The man is obviously parasitic by nature, and realises that he's onto a good thing regarding money and a roof over his head, and is reluctant to let that go. But it's quite obvious that he does nothing except make you feel worse about yourself, use you for money and services, so on and so forth. You use the word "love", but what he is showing towards you is far removed form what love actually is.

It sounds like you have made the decision to move on - good for you! This time though, don't tiptoe around it like all of the other times before. If it's over, it's over. MAke sure that he knows that, that there is no debate over it. You don't need to get the guards involved yet. Give him a timeframe to work within, two weeks to leave, and he has to be out by then. I'd go one step further and stay with family or friends until he is gone.

If he doesn't leave, then its time to take action. Call the guards, or if you have a couple of brother even better, get them to knock on the door and help him pack. IF he comes up with excuses, ignore them - if he can't find a place of his own then he can go stay with friends, family, whatever.

LegacyUser

Thanks again - particularly mike.ie.

Your post is very do-able and practical.

I don't have anywhere else to move to - I have friends and family, but really don't want others to know about this situation. I also have 6 brothers, but we are not a very close family, so I don't want them to get involved either - they tend to be quite judgmental and this would hang over me for the next ten years I think!

I like the idea of giving him an ultimatum - I did pack his bags about 4mths ago, (about 20 black bags in the hall), and we spent the day on the phone sporadically...by the time I got home, he was unpacking and I was almost helping him.

I AM a strong woman. I have been through ALOT in my life and gotten through it - I bought my own home, have great friends and a good job so I KNOW that on some level, I am a strong and good woman.

This moron reduces me to a diddering, insecure mess and it drives me insane that I allow it.

Tokyo

unregistered wrote: »

This moron reduces me to a diddering, insecure mess and it drives me insane that I allow it.

Quote of the thread, right there.

Sounds like your family situation hasn't been the most supportive in the past, but your family are going to find out one way or the other, so it may as well be on your terms. Tell them exactly why you are kicking him out, all you have to do is say exactly what you said above, and if they judge, then well they have bigger issues to deal with. Far better for your family or friends to hear this from an assertive woman who has decided to kick out her deadbeat boyfriend and make a better life for herself, than for them to make up their own version of events as to what happened.

You're not giving him an ultimatum either - there is no one or the other. You're done, it's over. There is no discussing it, no flowers, no "it'll be better from here on in I promise". And he has to move out, simple as that, and you're doing him a favour by giving him a few days to get himself sorted. Then go to a friends house, and move on with your much happier life.

dellas1979

Are you scared to be on your own (so much so that you put up with this).

Stavro Mueller

I think you need to get yourself back to counselling asap. Don't breathe a word of it to your boyfriend because he's quite the manipulator, isn't he? While you're saying that you've got an awful lot going for you (home, friends, job) there is obviously an emptiness in you. The part of you that keeps relenting and letting this leech back into your life.

Emme

unregistered wrote: »

T I own my own home - he has never contributed towards the mortgage but tends to pay bills - there is no real structure to our financial situation to be honest - he works on a low wage, my wage is a bit higher - not much, but enough to survive with a big mortgage etc.

OP, go to a good solicitor and tell him or her the above and that you want to end the relationship because of your partner's behaviour. Tell the solicitor about your redundancy settlement and how you gave your partner €2K. Even though this man hasn't paid anything towards your mortgage he has paid bills and after a specified period of time living with you in your house he may be entitled to a share of it. I am sure he is aware of this and he probably has no intention of ending the relationship until this period of time has elapsed. He has a pretty good deal and up until now he has kept you in your place.

It would be a shame to see him get a share of what you have worked for. This is why it is important to go to a solicitor and find out if he has any entitlements to your property or how long it will be before he has before you end the relationship.

unregistered wrote: »

He is upstairs now, on the internet, supposedly looking for a new place to live..but I can predict what will happen.

This man has no intention of leaving until he is in a position to claim a portion of your property. He even said it in so many words - you have a partnership and everything you have is for each other. I might get shot down for this but I think this man is out to rip you off.

Don't let this happen where possible and get whatever support you need to end the relationship - counselling, legal advice, family etc.

If this man has been staying with you long enough or nearly long enough to have a share in your property your priority is getting him out of there before he can rip you off even more.

Get legal advice first thing tomorrow if possible.

Neyite

Yep, get the legalities checked out with regard to rights of co-habitation. You may find that the fear of him taking a share of your house is the resolve you need to call it a day.

You have already made a big step, though you don't realise it - you have acknowledged that this is not working and you want out. You have recognised the pattern that follows a break up and can see it coming. Now you just need to develop coping mechanisms for the next break to make it permanent. For instance, turn off your phone the day after a break up, have a trusted friend screen your messages and archive them so you are not tempted to reply, tell the florist that you don't wish to accept the delivery. Ask a friend to be there when he is moving his things.

Faith

OP, you've made a big decision here. Well done! It's very hard to take the first step and you've done it.

What I'd normally advise is that you have a friend or family member that you go to every time you feel yourself weakening. Ask them to remind you why you've chosen to make this decision. If you don't want to speak to anyone yet, then come here and post on this thread every time you feel yourself waivering. Make an account so your posts go through instantly, and you'll get replies very quickly supporting you through it.

You definitely need support with this given your previous behaviour patterns, but I know that you can do it and that you can end it for good with this parasite.

The Princess Bride

unregistered wrote: »

I AM a strong woman. I have been through ALOT in my life and gotten through it - I bought my own home, have great friends and a good job so I KNOW that on some level, I am a strong and good woman.

OP- keep reminding yourself of the above.
This will help keep you focused on what you need to do today.
Stay positive,and move forward and away from this man- you deserve better.

Perhaps confide in one of those friends, seeing that you don't have family support.
Try not to be alone when you confront him to tell him to leave- it seems like this is where you're most vulnerable, and he knows this.

Best of luck- you can do this.

Emme

OP, please read this:

http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/birth_family_relationships/problems_in_marriages_and_other_relationships/property_rights_and_the_breakdown_of_a_cohabiting_relationship.html

Taken from the above link, this information is advice for a person who is in a cohabiting relationship with a home owner:

If a cohabiting couple in Ireland splits up, the family home (and other family assets) will belong to the person who holds the legal title to the home/assets. This means that in the case of the family home, the person who originally bought the house and whose name is on the title deeds will usually own the house. Read about joint ownership of property and cohabiting couples here.

However, if your relationship breaks down and your name is not on the title deeds to the house, you may still be able to show that you have some ownership rights in relation to the house. These rights are based on the fact that you made a contribution to the purchase price of the house with the intention of gaining a share in the ownership of the house.

Contributions to the purchase price of the house can be direct or indirect. Direct contributions include contributions to the initial down payment for the house or contributions to the mortgage installments. Indirect contributions may include paying some of the other day-to-day household expenses or unpaid work in the legal owner of the house's business. It has been held by the courts that working in the home looking after children and money spent or work done on home improvements are not contributions that give you any right of ownership in relation to the house.

Dixie Chick

God, that is an eye opener isn't it. I reckon pretty hard to prove though , unless paying by direct debit from the co-habitors bank account.

If anything OP, what Emme has posted may indeed be the jolt you need. I hope it work out for you, but please, don't compromise yourself for anyone especially this "moron"

Stavro Mueller

It depends...if someone's devious enough I'd not put anything past them.

Like the other have said, I hope that the legal info scares the bejesus out of you. I know how hard it is to get the money together to buy a house. It would sicken me to the pit of my stomach to think that someone like your boyfriend could come along and have a claim on it in any shape or form. You've lost enough money on this loser already. Get rid of him as soon as you can before you get caught up in a mire of legal bills and the stress that goes along with that.

You mentioned your friends - please turn to at least one of them for help. I bet your friends have more of an idea of what's going on than you think and they'd be only to glad to help.

Dixie Chick

Hopefully he is too lazy to look into this matter anyway and is unaware of it. But seriously, scary stuff. And I agree, sickening!!

Emme

Dixie Chick wrote: »

Hopefully he is too lazy to look into this matter anyway and is unaware of it. But seriously, scary stuff. And I agree, sickening!!

I also hope he is too lazy to be aware of this but I have a feeling he knows his rights very well. He had no problem taking the OP for €2K and he lets her pay for most things but pays for some household expenses. If he was bad enough and is living with her long enough he could try to make a claim on her property on those grounds.

I would hate to think he has been paying the bare minimum in household expenses so he can get a foothold in this property. If he pays electricity, gas etc. out of his bank account he could prove it. It might be more difficult to prove payment of groceries unless he keeps a meticulous account of this.

I hope I'm wrong, but I really think this guy is out to rip off the OP. Whatever the case, she needs good legal advice and she has to stick to her guns getting rid of this parasite.

Merkin

You can do this. Don't be so hard on yourself, you remain a strong and capable woman - look at all you have survived and the things you have been through and come out the other side? Unfortunately, nasty and manipulative people know who to target, can often see a little chink in the armour and then exploit and manipulate that to their own ends. You say this man has reduced you to a gibbering wreck but I actually think not, sometimes we need to make the same mistake a few times or for us to really hit rock bottom for us to take a stand. That time is now for you. You'd be a gibbering wreck if you repeated this cycle ad nauseum and never did anything. You've now had enough. I think if therapy helped you so much a few years ago it might be an idea to go back to the therapist for a couple of sessions to help you through this. You are worthy. You are a strong person. You do deserve happiness. You don't have to put up behaviour from anyone that you're not entirely happy with and giving this man the boot once and for all will empower you and help you regain some of your confidence. Kick him out and make a clean break - he contributes nothing to you or your life so get rid and be done with it.

LegacyUser

OP here - I just wanted to report back and thank you all so much for your comments - I had spoken to a few friends about my situation, but got the age-old 'they are all the same, sure my fella is worse..' a few times. I couldn't quite pin-point the problem with my partner and it was only writing it down here that I realised it was constant manipulation. So thanks again for helping me see things a bit clearer.

To update - I threw him out last week - I turned into a slight psychopath if I'm honest, packed bags and threw them in the garden etc - I have a sister in law who used to do this to my brother years ago, and I always swore I would never do anything like it. But who knew?

During my 'tirade' (as he called it), he rang the Gards (unknown to me). Luckily, it was two plain clothes gards who arrived (so the neighbours weren't aware!) and spoke to him for about half an hour. They told me that he had 'tenants rights' and I had to give him 7 days notice. At this point (although they were on my side and one of them even called him an a&shole!!) - I broke down entirely. They eventually left, after I had 'served' him with his 7days notice.

They were gone 5 minutes and I lost it again...I finally got him out about 20 minutes later.

He has been texting me most of the week, asking how I could have been so horrible to him and (knowing I'm in arrears with my mortgage) has said he believes in Karma and that it's very possible I will experience his 'homelessness' situation, when the bank take back my home.

I have since gotten him blocked from my phone. And today got two emails from him.

I am exhausted by it all - still cannot believe I stooped so low as to throw black bags out in my garden - and just have one more hurdle to get over before I am finally 'free'...he has one more collection of his stuff, and then that's it.

I am shattered, to say the least, but know I will come out the other side of this.
Thanks again.

Stavro Mueller

Good for you OP! I'm delighted to hear that you've gotten this creep out of the house.

Having said that, I fear you're not out of the woods yet. Seeing as he had the presence of mind to call the guards while all hell was breaking loose, it'd not surprise me if he has something else lined up. If you still have them on your phone, hold onto any texts he has sent you since he was thrown out. Don't delete the emails either. They could yet come in handy.

username123

Well done, the Guards were wrong btw, he wasn't a tenant. As you were co-habiting he may or may not have had some rights under The Civil Partnership and Certain Rights and Obligations of Cohabitants Act 2010, but if he did or he didn't, that's a civil matter and the Guards should not have misinformed you.

Delighted to gear you got shot of him, best of luck going forward.

InTheTrees

Good for you OP, well done!

Not completely out of the woods but it sounds like a good ending. Best of luck!

LegacyUser

I deleted every single text he sent me once I got him blocked - I dreaded picking up my phone everytime a text came through - I didn't want to hold on to all his horrible words on my phone, I just wanted every part of him gone.

I doubt he has anything else up his sleeve as he is staying with a friend about 20miles away and says he will find somewhere to live in that area, so there's no need for him to come anywhere near my home.

I am going to sound a bit like sean quinns wife when I write this - but I signed a 'lease agreement' when he moved in, and didn't realise what I was doing. We were in the throes of passion, he was in the middle of getting evicted from his apartment (due to his very unfair landlord of course) and wasn't working - he couldn't get the dole at my address, because my salary was too high, so if he signed-on as my boyfriend, would not have received anything from the dole. He asked me to sign this sample lease he printed off online, just so he could get his dole. It was probably a 3 minute conversation, 2yrs ago.
He got a job soon after, so it was irrelevant and I never thought about that lease from the moment I signed it.
He produced it for the Gards, over 2yrs later, which is why they said he had tenants rights.

I'm fed up criticising myself for all the stupid stuff I did when he was here - I won't even go into the money I will never see again - I don't know how I was so taken in by him.

I've taken the week off work and am using alot of lavendar to relax myself!! I'll get there.

Dixie Chick

Wow, ! A lot has happened. Who gives a fcuk if you threw his stuff out...he is hopefully gone now once he collects his last bit of stuff. He keeps emailing and texting now etc, Id be keeping a log and bringing that to the guards if he persists, they might give him a warning or something. But well done OP, you sound like a genuine person who was dragged in by this horrible man.

LegacyUser

The emails aren't threating or abusive - neither were the texts. They were just constant - how could you do this to me after I loved you so much and gave you a life, when you didn't have one before I came along - how are you not full of guilt for making me homeless and on and on and on...so the Gards wouldn't be bothered with them.

I look back and think of all the little things - they were so small, but there were so many of them...he moved in and said he would have to sleep on my side of the bed because he found the other side uncomfortable (so I changed sides) - he put his feet up on the 3 seater couch every nite in the living room, while I squashed myself into the 1 seather - he cooked all the food he liked, whether I liked it or not, convincing me I needed to change my palate - he took all of my books off the bookshelf and put them into the attic (books I hadn't read in years, but kept meaning to read again!) , to make space for his own books - I can't believe I have been so stupid.

Emme

unregistered wrote: »

I deleted every single text he sent me once I got him blocked - I dreaded picking up my phone everytime a text came through - I didn't want to hold on to all his horrible words on my phone, I just wanted every part of him gone.

I doubt he has anything else up his sleeve as he is staying with a friend about 20miles away and says he will find somewhere to live in that area, so there's no need for him to come anywhere near my home.

Don't be so sure. The more I read about this guy the more I feel that he was out to rip you off. I know you want him gone, but it might be wise to keep unpleasant texts from him, you might need them as evidence in case he gets really nasty.

unregistered wrote: »

I am going to sound a bit like sean quinns wife when I write this - but I signed a 'lease agreement' when he moved in, and didn't realise what I was doing. We were in the throes of passion, he was in the middle of getting evicted from his apartment (due to his very unfair landlord of course) and wasn't working - he couldn't get the dole at my address, because my salary was too high, so if he signed-on as my boyfriend, would not have received anything from the dole. He asked me to sign this sample lease he printed off online, just so he could get his dole. It was probably a 3 minute conversation, 2yrs ago.
He got a job soon after, so it was irrelevant and I never thought about that lease from the moment I signed it.
He produced it for the Gards, over 2yrs later, which is why they said he had tenants rights.

He made you sign a "lease agreement" so he could get the dole. Are you sure he couldn't get the dole? This guy has tenants rights on account of the lease. Did you read the terms of the lease? Was he staying in your place under the Renting a Room capacity? If so you might have slightly more rights. If not and he has been in your place for 6 months or more he would be in a Part 4 tenancy and would be entitled to a specific period of notice which would exceed 7 days. This can be found on the prtb <www.prtb.ie> website. He would have to have been paying rent on a regular basis but he might have fixed something up unknown to you to make it look like he was paying you rent. I would put nothing past this operator.

unregistered wrote: »

I'm fed up criticising myself for all the stupid stuff I did when he was here - I won't even go into the money I will never see again - I don't know how I was so taken in by him.

I've taken the week off work and am using alot of lavendar to relax myself!! I'll get there.

Never mind relaxing but it's best to take time out to rest as this will help you keep focused as this is not over yet, not by a long shot. If you haven't got proper legal advice already you must get it as soon as possible. You will more than likely need it. I wouldn't put it past this guy to take you to court for eviction. He has a lease agreement (albeit drawn up by himself) and could use this to try and get even more money out of you. Talk to a good solicitor, bring the lease agreement with you and any other documentation to show that you have been ripped off.

This guy is dangerous and from what I have read here, an extortionist and one step away from being a con artist. I would be very surprised if he doesn't try to take this further. He might well take you to court and by the sounds of things he would hope to be awarded a sum of money that would force you to sell your house to pay him off.

We can all be naive in relationships and some con artists set out to take advantage of this. I know you're sick of me telling you this, but get good legal advice. Con artists know every in and out of the law and use it to manipulate people to their advantage. You would be very naive not to get legal advice.

Merkin

I second that Emme, I'd definitely look into getting some basic solicitors advice if I were you OP. The guy's sense of entitlement is staggering so I'm not convinced he is just going to go away quietly.

Well done on kicking him out incidentally, it's for the best.

Emme

OP, this is from the Civil Partnership and Certain Rights and Obligations of Cohabitants Act:

http://www.irishstatutebook.ie/2010/en/act/pub/0024/sec0172.html#sec172

5) For the purposes of this Part, a qualified cohabitant means an adult who was in a relationship of cohabitation with another adult and who, immediately before the time that that relationship ended, whether through death or otherwise, was living with the other adult as a couple for a period—

(a) of 2 years or more, in the case where they are the parents of one or more dependent children, and

(b) of 5 years or more, in any other case.

It seems that your ex wasn't willing to wait 5 years if you had no children and thought he might have more rights if he was living with you as a "tenant" :rolleyes: This is why he drew up the lease.

Are you registered with the PRTB as a landlord? If this guy drew up a lease and you both signed it then this might qualify you as a landlord. All landlords should be registered with the PRTB. It is illegal not to do so. If this man resided as a "tenant" :rolleyes: in your house for more than 6 months then he has certain rights.

http://www.irishstatutebook.ie/2004/en/act/pub/0027/sec0028.html#sec28

Under the Residential Tenancies Act 2004 he would be entitled to a specific period of notice. See below, from the Threshold website:

http://www.threshold.ie/advice/ending-a-tenancy/termination-of-a-tenancy-by-a-landlord/

it is an offence for a landlord/agent to knowingly take any action in reliance on an invalid Notice of Termination that he/she knew or ought to have known was invalid.

The amount of notice depends on how long you have been in the tenancy. Below are the normal notice periods:

Duration of Tenancy Notice Period
Less than 6 months 28 days
6 months to 1 year 35 days
1-2 years 42 days
2-3 years 56 days
3-4 years 84 days
More than 4 years 112 days

In some situations specific notice periods must be given by your landlord:

7 day's notice for serious anti-social behavior or behaviour that is threatening to the fabric of the dwelling.


When the Gardai said that he was entitled to 7 days notice this is what they meant.

OP, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE get legal advice ASAP if you want to keep your house. I cannot emphasize this enough!

OP, he whipped out a lease from 2 years ago he probably had just in case.
This is getting more and more dodgy.
I know you want to have some time out and rest your brain, but the longer you leave it the worse it could get.

Please PLEASE keep any further texts and get legal advice ASAP.

LegacyUser

THanks again guys - really appreciate the time you are all taking to give me advice.

This guy is currently going through a divorce with his ex-wife.

He won't be bothering me anymore, I can almost guarantee it. I was like his secretary more than his partner - there was always something to print off for him, or some email or letter to write to somebody. He hardly lifted a finger about the divorce and some other legal matters he has going on with his ex-marital home. He won't want more legal stuff going on.

He also has a 'lads' weekend coming up (you would laugh if I told you the age of him, calling it a 'lads' weekend) and is heading off this Thursday until Tuesday - so his life is going on as normal - really, he won't want to pursue his 'tenants rights' with me, he has too much else going on.

Emme

unregistered wrote: »

THanks again guys - really appreciate the time you are all taking to give me advice.

This guy is currently going through a divorce with his ex-wife.

He won't be bothering me anymore, I can almost guarantee it. I was like his secretary more than his partner - there was always something to print off for him, or some email or letter to write to somebody. He hardly lifted a finger about the divorce and some other legal matters he has going on with his ex-marital home. He won't want more legal stuff going on.

He also has a 'lads' weekend coming up (you would laugh if I told you the age of him, calling it a 'lads' weekend) and is heading off this Thursday until Tuesday - so his life is going on as normal - really, he won't want to pursue his 'tenants rights' with me, he has too much else going on.

Hopefully he won't.

Some divorced/separated men can be very bitter and vengeful, particularly if the ex-wife gets the house. They can take this out on other women and "get their own back' by trying to take another woman for what they thought their ex-wife took them for. This can be anything from the price of a dinner to a house.

It's up to you if you want to get legal advice, but from what you told us this man has lived off you for nearly two years, treated you as an unpaid secretary/cook/cleaner and goodness knows what else. And he took you for 2 grand to buy a motorcycle.

If downloaded a lease for you to sign with regard to your own property it shows he had the presence of mind to draw up documentation relating to your house even if he didn't seem to be pursuing legal matters relating to his own divorce. Draw your own conclusions from that and it's up to you if you want to get legal advice.

Men of all ages go on "lads" weekends. At least there's no risk of him cheating on you now you're not together.

jjdub1

Are you registered with the PRTB as a landlord? If this guy drew up a lease and you both signed it then this might qualify you as a landlord. All landlords should be registered with the PRTB. It is illegal not to do so. If this man resided as a "tenant" in your house for more than 6 months then he has certain rights.

As you were a cohabitating couple Part 4 tenancy does not appy. Even as an owner occupier renting out a room that would not apply and no need to register with the prtb. If you have lived together for less than 5 years he has no comeback in law. IP has enough on her plate without the hysterics.

LegacyUser

As jjdub1 says, I have enough going on without going to a solicitor about stuff that may never happen. If I have even an inkling that he is pursuing anything to do with his 'tenants' rights, I will of course contact a solicitor, but for now, I'll do nothing.

Isn't it funny, when you are out of something, how clear everything seems - I've a lovely calmness over me today - I put my shopping away without him coming along five minutes later and rearranging everything because I'd put them in the wrong place - sounds completely ridiculous now, but that's how petty (or is that controlling?) he was.

As I said, when I would mention something like that to a friend, she would comment how lucky I am that my fella wants to put away the shopping...but in hindsight, there were a thousand small things like that.

Emme

jjdub1 wrote: »

As you were a cohabitating couple Part 4 tenancy does not appy. Even as an owner occupier renting out a room that would not apply and no need to register with the prtb. If you have lived together for less than 5 years he has no comeback in law. IP has enough on her plate without the hysterics.

He got her to sign a lease.

jjdub1

she's an owner occupier - she could kick him out at a moments notice - the guards were talking out their a-holes - the 'lease' means nothing.

jjdub1

really pleased for you - it's only when you are out of a toxic situation that you wonder what on earth you were doing all that time; all the stress and hassle melts away and you can breathe again. Better to be on your own than on your own in a relationship

peaceandlove

OP I hope you have changed the locks on your house! I know I certainly would after all that carry on!

LegacyUser

No, I haven't changed the locks. Again, I don't want any more drama. He is a bully, manipulator and control freak, but he wouldn't break into my home. HIs communication with me has been in text in the past week - he wouldn't even answer the phone to me when I tried to arrange for him to pick up his stuff - instead, choosing to text his reply. Alot of our communication in the relationship was by text (I couldn't use my phone in my previous job) - there were even alot of important decisions made by text. He seldom answered the phone - and seldom backed up his texts with actual action.

So I won't be changing my locks - he doesn't have a key anyhow.

Dixie Chick

OP, for what its worth I think he will leave you alone now. However I would change the lock on the door he would have a key for, which is probably the front door, and that's prob a simple and not too expensive job. Even to add an extra bolt so that he cant let himself in to get his s

. I say you must feel amazing now!! I do think it was the hard hitting advice of some of the posters here that knocked you out of your daze and brought to light what exactuly you could lose by carrying on with this guy

Oh- just saw he hasn't a key!! GOOD

Faith

jjdub1 wrote: »

she's an owner occupier - she could kick him out at a moments notice - the guards were talking out their a-holes - the 'lease' means nothing.

This is correct, so the OP doesn't need to worry about "tenant's rights". I doubt that lease agreement ever had any legal standing, but in any case, the guy was at best a licencee of the homeower with no rights whatsoever.

There's a lot of information about this on the Accommodation & Property forum, OP, if you need to familiarise yourself with it.

Well done for kicking him out! He sounds like a really really nasty piece of work.