Who is it? What to do?

LegacyUser

Fairly regular on Boards, but for this, I'm going unreg.


I know this is normal, I think; but do you ever fully get over an ex?

This is my problem. It's been two and a half years since we've broken up, I'm in my early twenties. We were going out when we were both 17. We broke up kind of amicably/(I did not want to break up, wanted to try and work it out, but he didn't want this).

When we broke up, I forced myself to delete the number, messages, that sort of stuff. I didn't allow myself to talk to him. I still have two things he gave me; a jumper and a bear. The jumper remains burrowed somewhere in my wardrobe, the bear hasn't left my bed. I did manage to remove everything else, though.

As time went on, we gradually started speaking on Facebook. We are on good terms as when we broke up, wouldn't speak that often though. Maybe randomly every few months. We wish eachother birthdays, Christmas, New Years, that sort of thing.

Sometimes, I can't help but miss him. I still get those warm feelings whenever I walk past the places we used to go, or do the things we used to do. I still feel the very same about him as when I last kissed him two years ago, even though it caused me pain.

That night when we broke up, I can still remember the few sentences that remain with me 'What if someday, I realize that I still love you, that I always did, and you were in a relationship with someone else?'
I suppose I should say here, why we broke up. It was because he thought that we were too young for something serious.
Sometimes, I think about that sentence. He hasn't anybody else since. And me? This is very hard, I know, but I am seeing someone. Of course I'd never ever stray, but I know that I should't be feeling like this about my ex.

When I think about him, we had amazing chemistry and just in general, I miss it all. It's completely different from my current relationship, obviously. But I miss it.

I know there's always the chance that this ex of mine doesn't feel the same, but it also feels like I should speak to him.

The last time I saw him, was six months ago when I walked into his workplace. We didn't speak, but I got those butterflies all over again.


I feel so guilty about my current boyfriend. I love him, I care for him, but it's completely different to a love I felt and still do for my ex.

Tokyo

OP - the one thing that jumps out to me here is that you need to take care of your current boyfriend situation first before anything else. He deserves to be with someone who has his full attention and isn't constantly thinking of another guy, and while you may care about him, it sounds like you need to let him go. I've been in his situation, for two years, and it's not pretty.

Regarding your question as to whether you can get over an ex - yes you can, but you need to allow yourself to get over him. From what you've posted, you follow him on facebook, keep a teddybear of his in your bed and his sweater in your wardrobe, you're considering asking your ex if he still has feelings for you, and you also mention that you "last kissed him two years ago", which sounds to me that it's after you guys broke up.

If you still feel that you need to follow up on your ex and the possibility of getting back together, fine. But theres a pretty good possibility that he will say no. And if you do, let your current boyfriend go first - don't keep him on the back burner like a second prize, should your ex say he's not interested.

ivytwine

To answer your question OP, yes you do get fully over an ex. You do get to the stage where you don't feel butterflies, you don't keep a gift from them on your bed, in fact you feel nothing.

You are just not over this guy, for whatever reason. However, two years on, things have changed for both you and him. You definitely have changed since you two went out, no seventeen year old stays the same when they're in their twenties.

In short, you're not in love with him. He's not the same person anymore. You both have had experiences that the other was not part of, you have met new people (not just romantically), gone new places, made new friends. And the other person has no idea about it.

If there was something there, you would be talking to each other and realising that this relationship was the real thing. But you're not.

What I'm trying to get at is that you're more in love with a nostalgia for the past, for your first relationship, because the first time we fall in love is a feeling none of us forget. But it's not him. He's just a fantasy.

Sounds like as well you didn't grieve the relationship properly at the time. It's ok to feel a bit miserable and have a wallow, sounds like you tried to be very detached. Feeling things fully is the best way to move on.

Perhaps you should take a night to say goodbye to your ex. Write him a letter and tear it up and say goodbye to what you're feeling. And maybe pop the bear in the press. Good luck OP x

LegacyUser

Cheers for the replies.

I guess it would be nostalgia. Myself and my current boyfriend are not getting on well as of late (probably deserves a thread on its own!). I think that's what sparked these feelings up even higher.

It just feels like I've some unfinished business with the ex though. I'm not sure how to describe it. Maybe that means just to go for that first and final coffee since we broke up more than two years ago, I'm not sure.

kjl

the answer to your original question is yes, you do, but it takes time. eventually you will stop thinking about him completely.