Not sure about dating a younger man

LegacyUser

I am female and 30, but I do look younger and I've always been quite trendy, I still get asked for ID in off licences etc so I guess I'm ageing well. I met this guy recently and we've really clicked, he's someone I would have seen around before and always found physically attractive but got chatting on a night out recently and ended up hanging out all and had such a good time.

Next morning my friend who was also out with us informed me that he is 10 years younger than me. Now I had put about 27ish on him & I wouldn't really mind that but I just felt 10 years was too much. He did call and ask me out but I turned him down and told him the reason.

This was maybe two weeks ago and I've bumped into him a few times since and we've texted/chatted a little too. I'm sitting here for the past few hours trying to figure out how to respond to his last message because he's asked me out again and being honest I want to say yes.

I know I shouldn't care but I'm worried about what people will say. I'd hate people to think I'm taking advantage of him or that I'm some sad older woman who couldn't get a guy her own age. I know it's more acceptable for men to date younger women. In fact when I was 20 I was in a relationship with a 30 year old man.

I'd love to hear from anyone who's dated someone younger or even just peoples general opinions on it

Czarcasm

amiacougar? wrote: »

I know I shouldn't care but I'm worried about what people will say. I'd hate people to think I'm taking advantage of him or that I'm some sad older woman who couldn't get a guy her own age. I know it's more acceptable for men to date younger women. In fact when I was 20 I was in a relationship with a 30 year old man.

I'd love to hear from anyone who's dated someone younger or even just peoples general opinions on it

The bit in bold there OP is probably why you should steer well clear of entertaining this one. Despite what anyone else is going to say to you, that bit in bold is going to be constantly kicking around in the back of your mind, so as much as the attention is flattering and all and it feels good to feel wanted, you're probably not going to be able to get over your own self-judgement.

suicide_circus

at 20 he's probably just after the ride anyway, if you think he's too young for a relationship he may well thing you're too old!

Merkin

I think it's as big an issue as you make it really! My attitude has always been feck what anyone else thinks though so I wouldn't for a moment let societal "norms" or fishwife type gossips put you off.

If you like him then go on a date with him. What on earth have you got to lose besides from a few inhibitions He could be the love of your life. You may just have amazing sex with him and he'll be great for a fling! Or his immaturity may emerge after a date or two and you find he's simply not for you. You won't know until you try and if there is a spark there then you should absolutely explore it.

I know a really solid, happily married couple and she is 37, he is 27. It absolutely can work so don't close your mind off to anything. Go on the date and enjoy yourself.

Dixie Chick

Hiya

I think you should give it a go. I mean a date is a date and that's it really. You might enjoy his company for awhile or you might put to rest the "what if" feeling. If ye end up clicking and going out long term , then who is anyone to judge ye based on age,

LegacyUser

Life is too short to care what other people think. People are always consumed by their own lives to really care what others are up to, in my opinion anyway.

I've dated many older women over the years as I felt I had more in common with them than girls my own age. You said yourself that you thought he was about 27ish, so he must have some bit of cop on.

Better to regret something that you did try, than something you didn't try. That way, you will know for sure if something was meant for you.

I wish you well

ManOfMystery

Age doesn't really matter that much. Compatibility, attraction, passion, trust, etc ..... those things can make or break a relationship much more quickly than a difference in age. Go for it! Life is short, so enjoy it with people who make you happy, and don't worry about filtering those people because of age, views or whatever.

And on a separate note, perhaps you should double-check he actually is 10 years younger. There's always a chance your friend is just wrong.

strandroad

It's just a date, if you like him go for it; you'll have time to ponder if it turns out to be something bigger, but you'll have more food for thought then.

JenEffy

There's a pretty big difference between a 20 year old and a 30 year old. I'm 24 and I wouldn't date a 30 year old because they're be at a different stage in their life.

beks101

Depends what you're looking for really. I'm close to your age and I can't imagine having a serious relationship with a 20 year old - I've babysat kids that are now older than that, it'd just plain freak me out.

But if you think he's hot and fancy a bit of fun I'm sure he'd be well up for it! It's rare to find someone you have chemistry with so if it were me, I'd go for it and not invest too much in it. Sure we could all do with a bit of fun with a hot 20-year-old in our lives!!

thegreatgonzo

I say go for it. It sounds like you really want to anyway. I know a couple where the woman is mid 30's and he is about 25 and it seems to work for them. Maybe after a few dates you will decide against it but you will have made up your own mind and not let other people's opinions dictate.

Cold Chocolate

Shag him if you want OP but I wouldn't have a relationship with him if you plan on having children.

freshpopcorn

Give it ago and see how it goes. Its only a date.
My mam met my dad when she was 20 and he was 31. They are now happily married for over 32 years. So it can work.

The Corinthian

amiacougar? wrote: »

This was maybe two weeks ago and I've bumped into him a few times since and we've texted/chatted a little too. I'm sitting here for the past few hours trying to figure out how to respond to his last message because he's asked me out again and being honest I want to say yes.

The only reason I can think of against such a relationship is that, at 20, settling down is very, very unlikely to be on his mind and probably won't be for the next ten to fifteen years, by which time you'll be realistically at the end or past your childbearing years.

So, either you are not bothered about having children in the future or you are.

If not, then go for it. If so, however, then you can still go for it so long as you don't mind starting a doomed relationship (that is, one that realistically can only have a lifespan of two or three years at most), or you are confident you can treat it simply as a FWB arrangement.

Otherwise, you realistically need to walk away, as you'll likely get emotionally burnt.

freshpopcorn wrote: »

My mam met my dad when she was 20 and he was 31. They are now happily married for over 32 years. So it can work.

Not really a good example.

As much as many people hate to admit it, older man / younger woman scenario is a lot more practical than the reverse. Having children is the big issue and because this is principally dependant on the woman's age, the older she is the less time there is for them both to develop and settle down into a lasting relationship. Related to this is that men tend to feel the need to settle down a little later than women in general.

So if you do the maths it doesn't take a genius to figure out that the older woman / younger man scenario is more problematic than the reverse.

freshpopcorn

The Corinthian wrote: »

The only reason I can think of against such a relationship is that, at 20, settling down is very, very unlikely to be on his mind and probably won't be for the next ten to fifteen years, by which time you'll be realistically at the end or past your childbearing years.

So, either you are not bothered about having children in the future or you are.

If not, then go for it. If so, however, then you can still go for it so long as you don't mind starting a doomed relationship (that is, one that realistically can only have a lifespan of two or three years at most), or you are confident you can treat it simply as a FWB arrangement.

Otherwise, you realistically need to walk away, as you'll likely get emotionally burnt.

If you do want to give this relationship ago, go for a few dates and see how it goes. If things work out and ye get on and you do want to start a family in the next few weeks. You would need to find out how he feels about this.
Women are also staring families a lot older now than before. People are often in their late thirties before they start a family. This gives you a few years to settle down(discuss with your GP/he could refer you on to expert in that field). Also, this is the twenty-first century nobody say that you need to have a natural birth now a days to start a family. They are various options available to you.

tomthetank

What do you want from this? A relationship or a bit of fun?
If it's the former I'd give it a miss to be honest, for all the reasons TheCorinthian listed. Not practical, the guy's a kid in relationship terms.
If it's the latter,go for it.

Gannicus

suicide_circus wrote: »

at 20 he's probably just after the ride anyway, if you think he's too young for a relationship he may well thing you're too old!

This may very well be true, he is only 20, but some people mature faster than others and if you are good together and you are happy then at least give it a shot. Bwe damned with public opinion you are both consenting single adults.

Most of my relationships have been with women older than myself as I have found they want similar things to what I want from a relationship. I'm 27 now and would have no problem with dating someone in their 30's and I have done.

HalloweenJack

I think you should at least give it a try, what have you got to lose?

In fairness to the advice from other posters, the OP mentioned nothing about wanting kids (one way or the other) so I think it's a bit unfair to be giving her advice for that when it isn't what's worrying about the situation.

Her pressing concern is what other people will think of her. I say who cares? You've said yourself you want to say yes so do it. If you're worried about what other people will say, maybe date him without too much fanfare and see how it goes. If you grow to like him enough that you want to let people know about it, then if they're friends, they'll be happy for you. If they make snide comments about the age difference, then you're better off not caring what they think.

Also, different people mature at different rates. Don't write this guy off as a typical 20-year-old before you've got to know him properly. Give him a chance.

The Corinthian

HalloweenJack wrote: »

In fairness to the advice from other posters, the OP mentioned nothing about wanting kids (one way or the other) so I think it's a bit unfair to be giving her advice for that when it isn't what's worrying about the situation.

I can't speak for others, but I certainly put it forward only as a question she should ask herself, not a certainty; and in fairness it is a question she should be considering here.

Also, different people mature at different rates. Don't write this guy off as a typical 20-year-old before you've got to know him properly. Give him a chance.

She shouldn't write him off as a typical 20-year-old, but that's the thing; typical gives away the reality, which is that odds are he will be a typical 20-year-old.

And if she does want to have children, having a relationship which has a very high probability of being doomed will eat up precious time, where she could be seeking a relationship with a much higher chance of succeeding in the long run.

Someone suggested that there are options open to women nowadays, but I'd suggest they do a bit of research first. Freezing one's eggs is a pretty costly and evasive procedure and all it does is add another 10 years to the clock at most - most clinics will refuse to carry out IVF with donated/frozen eggs once the woman hits 50. All before one considers the success rates and cost per IVF attempt. There's no magic solution, I'm afraid.

This is not to say she should write him off - indeed, if she's certain that she has no interest in having children in the future, then she no longer has the same pressures (the relationship may still not last, but there's no deadline on starting a new one) but neither should she give him a chance based upon unrealistic hopes either. Fools rush in, and all that jazz...

LegacyUser

Just came looking for this to see if there were any replies I went on the date and well we're still dating now and happy out at this stage.

I never mentioned marriage or children because quite frankly I don't think it's relevant. In any case I have a son from a previous relationship.

Thanks for the replies though

TwoGallants

Ok guys, I feel the need to weigh in here. As someone who is going out with a lady ten years his senior (I'm 25), I think the following things should be taken into consideration:

The OPs squeeze is 20, which I think is a major thing to consider. There is a huge difference between somebody in their early 20s and their mid 20s. Then again, some people mature at different ages. Even so, most people don't have a clue what they're doing with their lives at 20.

The advantages (for the man) going out with an older lady are enormous! Not only is she more experienced and generally open minded (offering plenty of fun times ) but also the extra maturity is incredibly attractive for some men (particularly men like me). The emotional maturity in particular is a massive turn on.

The one thing I worry about is that my OH naturally has a biological clock, thus perhaps adding a sense of urgency whereas for me I'm happy to remain childless for another ten years or so. This is something you need to be frank about early in the relationship. Once these issues are resolved, I see no problem in moving forward.