Always getting the blame...

reap-a-rat

I'm so upset at the events of tonight.I'll go through a little timeline.

I was working this evening and my boyfriend called me up. He was at an office do and insisted I come along for a while as people were asking for me. I finished up around 9 and headed out then. I was met by my OH who had been out since after work and had about 7 pints and no food in him. I encouraged him to take it easy and he said he was fine. I only stayed a short while and when I was leaving I asked if he'd come to the door to say bye. He did. He was a but argumentative at this stage; just prior to this the party had received what I agree was a mangey portion of finger food. He was getting angry and saying he was going to speak to the manager and text the organiser who wasn't out to inform her. I sort of discouraged this and said he should leave it to her to complain and he got defensive.

To avoid any argument I said I was going, and to take it easy as it was still a long night ahead and by his own admission, he was already quite tipsy. He said that I should trust him and that he was annoyed at me for saying that. I said bye and left, teary eyed. I walked home alone and at no point got any contact from him to ask if I got back safe or anything.

I didn't sleep any and he still wasn't home by 3.30 and I had no contact - I had text him to ask him to let me know if he was staying out but got no reply. At about 3.45 he arrived home with 3 other people for more drinking. They made no attempt at being quiet bar closing the living room door which in a one bed apartment makes practically no difference. He stopped by the bedroom on the way in, announced he had brought people back and banged the door shut. I was quite upset at the lack of respect shown for me here. I text him and asked him to keep the noise down, if not out of respect for me than out of respect for the neighbours. He replied saying 'I was going to apologise, but I'm not now'. This upset me greatly. I sent a final text asking that the people be gone by 4.45. I heard them speak about me after this text delivered.they left at 4.30.

My OH I found lying on the couch and asked him to come to bed. He said he didn't want to because I'd only give out to him. I convinced him to and he came into bed and rolled over and went to sleep. No words to me. I'm so upset by this all. I worry about him drinking too much as sometimes he doesn't know when to stop. I've overdone it myself on occasion but since the last time (July) I've been very mindful of how much I drink - I enjoy being merry but I never want to get sick from drinking too much again. This does not seem to be a concern of his and it worries me, so I just ask him to be careful. I'm not always in his ear about it or anything, but it seems my concern is just an annoyance to him.

I feel like he brought folks back purely to get back at me, as never before has he done this. I feel so disrespected right now, and I know in the morning that I'll have to apologise as I will be blamed for 'not trusting him'. I just don't know how to deal with this situation. I feel like this is his one to field the blame for but experience has taught me that whether or not that's the case, I'm the one who has to apologise and grovel in order for anything to be resolved. Everything is my fault. What can I do?

Sorry for the long post, I'm just seething with anger and I'm so upset at being treated so poorly by the man who's supposed to love me. I don't know what to do.

loveBBhate

Calm down OP I wouldn't worry to much to be honest. If this is just a once off, it seems like he just overdid it on the booze to be honest. He was a d*ckhead to be like that to you but to be fair I've heard worse. I imagine he'll be mortified himself in the morning and very apologetic. Things like this happen OP I wouldn't worry too much

Calhoun

Well first off it's not your fault, it sounds like he overdid it and was being an insensitive asshole. I don't know about you but 7 pints even with food and I'd be a little bit more than tipsy.

I'd put it down to him beig drunk yes but that isn't a get out of jail free card I'd e pretty clear to him that I wouldn't want to be invites out of he is drunk in future. If he should want to drink after the pub is over that's fine but go elsewhere.

December2012

Never fight with a drunk person.

It never ends well and it resolves nothing - even if they are the ones saying sorry / making promises, etc - they're drunk! They might not mean it or remember it and nothing changes except you have a bigger row.

Why can't you let things go? Why did you want him to come to bed? He's drunk, you've been annoyed at him, honestly - what was going to happen? Some drunken sleep with you getting more annoyed at him for farting/snoring/smell of drink?

Ease up - you should've let him just sleep on the couch instead of finding another thing to fight about.

He should be allowed to bring people home. Again, make allowances - drunk people are not usually making noise to be cùnnts, they are doing it because they are drunk and having fun - not being mean and normally unintentionally. Have you ever tried to be quiet when you're drunk? Usually the effort that goes into being quiet actually makes more noise!

If you have a big issue going on (why were you tearful earlier?) then wait to talk and listen about it when you're both rested and sober.

You seem to be annoyed at a lot of little things.

Pick one and talk about it.

pickarooney

He behaved like a childish arsehole and it's obviously not the first time. If he doesn't understand this, your telling him probably won't make a difference. Do you really need this kind of bullyng crap to deal with?

Stavro Mueller

How's your relationship in general? This incident reads to me like the straw that broke the camel's back.

Zen65

reap-a-rat wrote: »

I said bye and left, teary eyed. I walked home alone and at no point got any contact from him to ask if I got back safe or anything.

I wonder if there's a lot more going on in your relationship than this story tells?

From what you've said, it seems to me that you were upset by him very early on in the night, but you have not explained why this was. After that, all of the little things about what he did seemed to take on a heightened importance to you in your story and your upset just escalated in a manner that seems, from what you told us here, to have been disproportionate to his actions.

It was his office party. It should not particularly be a matter that concerns you greatly. . . . . unless . . .

Have there been issues in the past about how he behaves when he's out drinking? Has he damaged his work relationships as a result? Is this why you were cautioning him about how much he was drinking? Have there been other issues around his drinking that are causing you concern?

It seems to me, from your story, that there is a mismatch between the events of the night and your reaction to them. I certainly don't think you owe him an apology (after all, you did not throw his friends out of the house nor behave badly in front of them). Perhaps he should apologise for waking you when he came back home at that hour with friends, but in truth you were not asleep and your staying awake was not a result of his behaviour, but rather as a result of your own upset (which is not really explained in the story).

Be calm; in living with a partner there will be times when their behaviours annoy you, but in the bigger picture these annoyances should be seen as inconsequential . . . . unless of course it is frequent, selfish behaviour on their part. If that's the case (and you use the word "always" in your title, which leads me to suspect) then the issue is something very different to what you've posted.

Be at peace,

Z

dellas1979

I agree with the poster above. Sounds like a mine full of things going on here:

- You think he drinks too much

- You cant stop him drinking (despite your concerns-its something he has to control). But equally, I would find it very annoying to have someone in my ear nagging me (whether its out of concern or not). When someone is drinking its not the time to confront them. A child he aint. So, stop treating him like one. You dont have to apologise for your concerns, but they are that, your concerns.

- There seems to be some kind of trust thing going on.

reap-a-rat

Thanks for all the replies.

The reason I was teary eyed is because he said he was annoyed at me. I'm a very sensitive person and if people say negative things toward me I get upset.

I think some people are reading much more into the situation than there is (perhaps I am myself). Our relationship is great, we're best friends and have a great time together. I think those that say I'm not right to explain my concerns about his drinking are a little off - is this not something an OH can address with their OH as a completely valid concern? Sure, he's the one who gets the hangover or gets sick or whatever. But as a woman who loves him, I don't like to see him that way, I don't like to see him suffer, especially not when it can be so easily avoided! Now he's never done any damage to his reputation when drinking, but those people he drinks with don't see the damage it does to him at home as I suppose is the case with a lot of people. I say damage to mean getting sick, woeful hangovers, being really petty and argumentative towards me etc - not really really serious stuff, to clarify).

I don't want to be a preacher or anything, I just think he shouldn't drink loads of pints just because he's out for a long time. That's a really awful attitude towards drink, in my opinion. But can I say this?

WRT being allowed to bring people home - it is his home too but tbh I think it's really rude to bring people into a house after a night out. He himself got annoyed at our previous flatmates for doing that, but when he feels like it it's suddenly OK? I don't agree with that. But we'll see what he has to say for himself on the matter.

To the poster who asked why I didn't leave him on the ouch - that's not the way I roll, I'm not going to leave him there fully dressed with no covers over him, but I'm too angry to undress him and place covers on him, so I convince him to do both himself and come to his natural night-time surroundings. At least if he woke up in the night he wouldn't be disorientated and not know where he was, which could have other drink related consequences.

Thanks again for all the replies. Only thing left is to see if he pretends nothing happened or expects me to apologise despite doing nothing wrong. I still don't know how I'll react to either.

Oryx

Being honest, my gut reaction to your last post is that youre too controlling. He is an adult, let him sleep on the couch with no covers, and suffer a hangover. Youre not his parent. Yes, you love him, but part of love is knowing when to interfere in what your partner is doing, and knowing when to back off. If you continue to try to stop him doing the things he sees fit to do, (rightly or wrongly) I see trouble ahead.

December2012

So you won't let this grown man be a grown man?

You want him to do things the way you think he should re drink, eating, sleeping and socialising and if he says boo to you then you think you're entitled to cry because you're sensitive?

Maybe you're too sensitive.

Hannibal Smith

It sounds to me like its your way or no way OP. He's old enough to decide whether he can drink or not. It was a particular occasion you were attending and whether rightly or wrongly people tend to over do it on nights like that.

The whole argument seems to have stemmed from you wanting him to not drink too much. But surely a night out isn't the time or the place to discuss it? IfI was out for a jnight and my other half was in my ear about how much I'm drinking id gladly let them go home so I could enjoy myself!

You decided to leave, you're old enough to get your self home. I don't see why he should check you got home okay.

All in all...it was a night out that went a bit mad but you have to admit you did poke the fire a bit. If you're going to discuss a person's drinking habits don't do it while they're out for a night. Tackle it in a calm way either before or after, if your partner decides to ignore what you say, thats their perogative and you have to decide whether you can accept that.

fatherted1969

+ 1 to all of the above really. No point in trying to argue when he's drunk. What was wrong with just leaving him sleep on the couch instead you find another thing to give out to him about. I know I've been him, my wife's been him and probably everyone has been like that at some stage. Your not his mother, don't try and baby him.

fatherted1969

+ 1 to all of the above really. No point in trying to argue when he's drunk. What was wrong with just leaving him sleep on the couch instead you find another thing to give out to him about. I know I've been him, my wife's been him and probably everyone has been like that at some stage. Your not his mother, don't try and baby him.

reap-a-rat

I think people are getting the wrong end of the stick RE the couch thing - we did not fight about this - I asked him to come to bed, he said he didn't want to because I'd give out to him, I said I won't give out to you , please come to bed, which he did and he went to sleep. There was no argument surrounding that incident. Maybe I was mammyish and all of that, but there was no fight there and that is not what the post was about. Had he insisted on staying on the couch after my initial encouragement, then I would have said feck him and left him to it. He didn't need much persuading to leave the couch, though.

I like how apt my title has become now, though - I've really turned into the bad guy and the one at fault.

Borderfox

I think people are being very harsh to you.

You express genuine concern about the amount of drink your oh had taken without food and your the bad guy, I don't think so. When he finally wakes up have a talk about your concerns about how much he was drinking and explain that you only have his best interests at heart.

LegacyUser

Between your first and last post, you seem to have a chip on your shoulder re being unfairly blamed. You think this of your BF, and now also of posters here.

The simplest/most obvious solution is often the right one: you're the common factor, so maybe you actually are to blame for, as I think someone else posted, poking the fire.

I think you've massively over-reacted: fair enough if you had a v quick quiet word with ur BF when he was out, but it sounds like you laboured the point re not drinking too much - and to be frank getting teary eyed because he was fed up with you is ridiculous from a grown woman.

You started the 'fight' OP, and your BF just left you to your own devices. He probably shouldn't have brought people home, but unless it happens every week or two, so what. I think you need to calm down.

dellas1979

reap-a-rat wrote: »

I've really turned into the bad guy and the one at fault.

Ah-getting a bit more insight into you as a person now......So, thats how you fight your arguments? Do the "poor me" thing.
Might work with the bf...

But thats manipulative OP! Because he wanted to do his own thing (be it wrong or right in your eyes). So, it begs the question, were you really concerned about him, or were you just pandering to getting him to do what you wanted him to do?

You can express your concerns, of course! And rightly so, if youre not happy. But 2 things. 1. Doing that while he was drinking, no. Big no. 2. He is the only one to change his habits. Not you.

Ickle Magoo

Folks,

Please remember that posters are asking for advice and as per the charter all advice should be mature, civil and constructive.

At OP's request - thread locked.