Friends with Benefits...and feelings

LegacyUser

I know the answer to this situation is probably clear cut but would just appreciate some outside feedback.

So I had a one night stand. Never intended on it being anything more.
Next morning, we end up chatting, we get on great and he ends up staying until lunchtime. Again didn't think I'd year anything more from him. A week later a text, we arrange to meet up and a repeat of the above happens. All fine. But this time I end up meeting some of his friends. He ends up meeting some of mine and we spend the whole night together.
Last weekend we met up again and in my drunken state admitted to him that I couldn't keep meeting him like this because I was starting to like him.
He had told me before that he isn't long out of a relationship and says he had promised himself he would stay single for some time. I quizzed him a bit further on this and he said he likes me too and thinks I'm gorgeous. He also said that if it was a year ago and he met me it would have been a different story. Is he just telling me what I want to hear? I don't know whether age has anything to do with it (I don't have a problem with it) but he is 7 years older than me.

Where do I go from here? There hasn't been as much contact this week so I think he may be distancing himself from me since the conversation. I dunno! My head is all over the place.
I know we've only met three times but I really feel differently about this guy Should I just end it before I end up hurting myself more. So hard to let go when I know that there is such potential there. Thats life I guess

Would really appreciate your thoughts

annoyedgal

I'm afraid it's time to completely distance yourself as well. He has made his feelings very clear, he wants to be single. If you have feelings for him and keep sleeping with him you are letting yourself in for a world of hurt and your head will be wrecked. It's not possible to have a friends with benefits situation if one person has feelings. There are lots of guys out there who will want to be with you for more than a fwb situation so do yourself a big favour and let this one go.

annoyedgal

I'm afraid it's time to completely distance yourself as well. He has made his feelings very clear, he wants to be single. If you have feelings for him and keep sleeping with him you are letting yourself in for a world of hurt and your head will be wrecked. It's not possible to have a friends with benefits situation if one person has feelings. There are lots of guys out there who will want to be with you for more than a fwb situation so do yourself a big favour and let this one go.

MissFlitworth

I'd take him at his word, he's telling you he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, he may be softening it a little by saying that he thinks you're gorgeous and oh, if only it was this time last year, but he's being very clear. You've only met him 3 times, I'd pull the plug on it before you find yourself a year in thinking he's your boyfriend and having a 'But, I told you I didn't want to be in a relationship with you!' conversation

If you're OK with just a fling, then by all means keep going, but if you want something different then you should walk away. At least he's being completely honest with you.

miamee

Listen to what he is saying to you loud and clear - he does not want to be in a relationship now.

Regardless of how gorgeous or lovely or funny he thinks you are, you told him you were interested in him and he said he's not looking for a relationship.

Take him at his word. As others have pointed out if you don't, you may find yourself a few months down the line still meeting up, thinking you have a boyfriend and him thinking he is free and single to do as he pleases with whoever comes along.

eviltwin

Let him go now before you fall even deeper. As hard as it is now to step back its going to be easier than if you keep going with the hope that it will develop into something more meaningful. You need to protect your heart and your self esteem here both of which risk being damaged if you continue.

Friends with benefits only works when both of you are on the same page, he's been totally honest about his lack of interest in anything serious, you have to take that on board now and move away. You deserve more than just being a booty call for a guy who isn't in a position to see you as anything more.

LegacyUser

I agree with the above posters. I have just come out of a situation like this and it has left me feeling very bad about myself. Your self esteem will suffer if you continue because you will be questioning how he can say nice things to you but not commit to a relationship with you. If you can stop it now ( I know how hard this is to do) it will be for the bast.

Stavro Mueller

The danger for you is that you will fool yourself into thinking you have a chance. Nice things he says can help feed this illusion and take on new meanings.

Sadly the only solution to your predicament is the one you don't want to hear. If he saw you as something other than a booty call he'd have asked you out by now. He has had time to reflect on what you told him. He knows you like him but he's backing away. That tells you all you need to know.

Because you like him and you feel there's potential for ye, it can be hard to accept what is blatantly obvious to the rest of us. There is no ambiguity in what he is telling you. It's you and your feelings that are muddying the waters

seenitall

fwb wrote: »

I know the answer to this situation is probably clear cut but would just appreciate some outside feedback...

...I know we've only met three times but I really feel differently about this guy Should I just end it before I end up hurting myself more. So hard to let go when I know that there is such potential there. Thats life I guess

Would really appreciate your thoughts

Hi OP,

yes the answer here is clear cut and good on you that you know it.

Just one little thing I wanted to add to the above posts is that, in the light of what you want, there is no potential there. Repeat: no potential. The guy has told you as much, the rest is white noise.

Just move on, much much better to stay free and emotionally ready for new opportunities than get stuck on someone incompatible.

Best wishes.

LegacyUser

OP here again.

Thank you so much for all your replies. I really do appreciate them and I'll remind myself of them whenever I waiver.
You all have confirmed the inevitable for me and you are all right I'm living in a false hope.
It really is crushing. It has put a dent in the confidence. Can't help but think what's wrong with me.

You spend so long kissing the frogs that when you meet one that you actually like, you automatically expect it will all fall into place I guess
I'll explain my feelings to him and leave it at that.
Time to move on sadly.

Thanks again everyone

beks101

Hey OP,

I agree with all of the above - this is a very clear fwb situation.

In light of your feelings though, maybe you should reflect on these types of scenarios and whether or not they are actually workable for you.

I used to do the ONS / casual sex thing when I was younger and realized one day that they were turning me a bit bitter and resentful about men - because despite all my rhetoric, I just couldn't handle them. I was, on the surface, "taking men at their word", while secretly hoping for more, and when that didn't transpire (shocker!), it left me feeling sad and empty and a bit hard-done-by.

So as a rule now, I don't do them anymore. Just not my bag and too emotionally damaging.

I'm not saying the same decision is right for you, but it's definitely worth reflecting upon and thinking about.

LegacyUser

Very difficult situation, I always struggle to understand how the men (hardly ever the woman) in these situations can usually just walk away without another thought for the woman while she is left devastated. How do they do it?

beks101

Hardsituation wrote: »

Very difficult situation, I always struggle to understand how the men (hardly ever the woman) in these situations can usually just walk away without another thought for the woman while she is left devastated. How do they do it?

Biology, hormones, different levels of emotionality, oxytocin, different social expectations, something something.

It's funny actually, back in my frustrating ONS days I was getting to the stage where I thought it was borderline sociopathic to bed someone and walk away without a second thought, but that's because sex is an intimate act to me, a means of getting closer to somebody. That's my personal meaning though, to many people it's just a physical release.

I guess the key is to figure out your own meaning for it, and if you can't 'hit it and quit it' without getting hurt, avoid those situations like the plague.

LegacyUser

beks101 wrote: »

Biology, hormones, different levels of emotionality, oxytocin, different social expectations, something something.

It's funny actually, back in my frustrating ONS days I was getting to the stage where I thought it was borderline sociopathic to bed someone and walk away without a second thought, but that's because sex is an intimate act to me, a means of getting closer to somebody. That's my personal meaning though, to many people it's just a physical release.

I guess the key is to figure out your own meaning for it, and if you can't 'hit it and quit it' without getting hurt, avoid those situations like the plague.

Fair enough if it is just a one night thing but it seems like the OP was having a more intimate relationship -casual but still a type of relationship, meeting friends etc - and they seemed to be getting along well.
I too would wonder what was wrong with me if he didn't want to take it further because when a guy likes you he can't keep away. I have been here too. Very damaging.

LegacyUser

Hardsituation wrote: »

Very difficult situation, I always struggle to understand how the men (hardly ever the woman) in these situations can usually just walk away without another thought for the woman while she is left devastated. How do they do it?

more like how can you make such a sweeping generalisation??....this is exactly what happened to me only 2 weeks a go.......and i'm a guy!!!!

eviltwin

fwb wrote: »

OP here again.

Thank you so much for all your replies. I really do appreciate them and I'll remind myself of them whenever I waiver.
You all have confirmed the inevitable for me and you are all right I'm living in a false hope.
It really is crushing. It has put a dent in the confidence. Can't help but think what's wrong with me.

You spend so long kissing the frogs that when you meet one that you actually like, you automatically expect it will all fall into place I guess
I'll explain my feelings to him and leave it at that.
Time to move on sadly.

Thanks again everyone

There is nothing wrong with you at all OP, falling for someone who doesn't feel the same way sucks, most of us have been there, its harder for you because you have had that physical connection, you've given part of yourself to him and it hasn't had the outcome you wanted. Give yourself time and space to move on and you will find someone who can give you the emotional connection you need. Best of luck xx

seenitall

Hardsituation wrote: »

Fair enough if it is just a one night thing but it seems like the OP was having a more intimate relationship -casual but still a type of relationship, meeting friends etc - and they seemed to be getting along well.
I too would wonder what was wrong with me if he didn't want to take it further because when a guy likes you he can't keep away. I have been here too. Very damaging.

When you get involved with people on a casual basis (like the OP did, with basically a ONS which evolved into a repeat or two), this is the chance you take - that the guy who you get with, won't want to take it further than casual. I would have thought that's common sense, surely.

It is only damaging if you let it be damaging. So many people, however, fail to truly listen to the other person, or be realistic about their situations, and then you have a problem in a simple situation that shouldn't have presented a problem at all.

It's as you say: when a guy likes you, he can't keep away. If he says to you he doesn't want a girlfriend or he only sees you when it suits him or for sex (and YES, even if you've met his mum, dad, friends and football team and even if he tells you you're gorgeous), the onus is on you to draw the correct conclusion and draw the line under it if you need something else from a guy. Because you're the one who wants something different than you have.

Also, as beks101 said: the ONS and casual scenarios don't seem to agree with the OP. Both of ye, consider changing the approach if ye want different results. Not getting involved in casual scenarios would mean there would be much less scope for "misunderstandings".

Legs.Eleven

seenitall wrote: »

It is only damaging if you let it be damaging. So many people, however, fail to truly listen to the other person, or be realistic about their situations, and then you have a problem in a simple situation that shouldn't have presented a problem at all.

It's as you say: when a guy likes you, he can't keep away. If he says to you he doesn't want a girlfriend or he only sees you when it suits him or for sex (and YES, even if you've met his mum, dad, friends and football team and even if he tells you you're gorgeous), the onus is on you to draw the correct conclusion and draw the line under it if you need something else from a guy. Because you're the one who wants something different than you have.

I do agree but don't you think the onus also lies to some degree with the other person? If the other person knows the other person is getting the wrong end of the stick, then they should end it and shouldn't continue with it, knowing it gives the other person false hope. It would be the decent thing to do and probably easier for them than the person who wants more as they view it as only sex.

It's very easy to take a rational view of situations like this from the outside but we've all been there to some extent and I think the responsibility lies with both people tbh.



Speaking from personal experience of this where I really got the very wrong end of the stick with someone I was sleeping with/hanging out with (and whose mother I met! ) for a year, I hope you move on. The longer you leave it, the more hurt you will be...believe me.

dellas1979

Legs.Eleven wrote: »

I do agree but don't you think the onus also lies to some degree with the other person? If the other person knows the other person is getting the wrong end of the stick, then they should end it and shouldn't continue with it, knowing it gives the other person false hope.

I dont agree with this

This guy couldnt be any clearer in his intentions, and HAS told her. How is it up to him to make sure she hears what he is saying? If anything, in scenarios like this, the person not hearing/listening/off in fantasy land is the one to take responsibility.

Now, different case if the guy didnt say anything at all, or filling her head with nonsense and she is hanging on hoping. In that case, it would be decent of the guy to let her know the lay of the land, but more often than not, they dont, so again, its up to the person to take responsibility.

Legs.Eleven

dellas1979 wrote: »

I dont agree with this

This guy couldnt be any clearer in his intentions, and HAS told her. How is it up to him to make sure she hears what he is saying? If anything, in scenarios like this, the person not hearing/listening/off in fantasy land is the one to take responsibility.

Now, different case if the guy didnt say anything at all, or filling her head with nonsense and she is hanging on hoping.

Part of the responsibility. It's up to both of them to knock it on the head imo. It would be unfair continuing with someone you know wants more and I mean that in every situation, FWB or not. In this case, it's obviously up to her to end it as it looks like he'd carry on with it but imo, some of the onus would rest with him in this case knowing what he knows.

Obviously I'm coming at this from my own personal experience here, so it could be skewed ;-)

dellas1979

Legs.Eleven wrote: »

Part of the responsibility. It's up to both of them to knock it on the head imo. It would be unfair continuing with someone you know wants more and I mean that in every situation, FWB or not. In this case, it's obviously up to her to end it as it looks like he'd carry on with it but imo, some of the onus would rest with him in this case knowing what he knows.

Obviously I'm coming at this from my own personal experience here, so it could be skewed ;-)

I understand, but I still dont agree, if the guy has made it clear. She isnt his responsibility. He is looking after number 1. She should do the same. Its too easy to blame them. I guess I see it as taking responsibility for myself. Take the guy out of the equation, I would question why I wouldnt listen/take responsibilty for myself.

The Corinthian

Legs.Eleven wrote: »

Part of the responsibility. It's up to both of them to knock it on the head imo. It would be unfair continuing with someone you know wants more and I mean that in every situation, FWB or not. In this case, it's obviously up to her to end it as it looks like he'd carry on with it but imo, some of the onus would rest with him in this case knowing what he knows.

Sure, if he's aware that there's a difference of expectations. After all, the OP may not have made this clear to him (according to her posts, she's not), and may even have told or implied to him that she's more than happy with the arrangement as it is - wouldn't be the first time that's happened in the history of FWB.

He certainly has a responsibility, if he has sufficient knowledge of what's going on and has not been misled (which seems not to be the case). He has a responsibility to be honest and clear about his intentions (which he seems to have done). He doesn't have a responsibility to read minds.

OP, honestly, FWB arrangements are or can be fun. But they're not for everyone and not for everyone at certain points in their lives. You clearly appear to fall into 'not for everyone' category. He's been open and honest with you and it's time you do the same. Better you end this now rather than torture yourself.