Fallen for someone far away... what to do?

LegacyUser

I've spent a lot of years reading threads here and wondering to myself why people couldn't figure their lives out themselves without resorting to the internet, yet here I am....

I guess first I need to paint a picture - I'm a guy, in my early 30's, and have had quite a number of relationships over the years with various women from various countries, so this isn't exactly a "first time love" story here - I've walked way from relationships, and been walked away from in the past.

Until I met this girl.

A friend of mine from Germany, who studied here seven years ago, came back to visit this week. I cared about her back then - we spent a lot of time together when she studied here, kissed but the relationship didn't go further because, from what I found out later, she was afraid that if she got close to me then one or both of us would get hurt when she left. Such is life, and I moved on.

We kept in touch to lesser or greater degrees, and month ago I got a message from her saying that she was coming back here for a week to visit, and it would be great to meet up, and I agreed.

It started from the minute we met in Galway - pretty much it was like the last seven years apart never happened, and we picked up our conversation, our jokes, everything, from the day that she left. There was no awkwardness, no sense of time apart. Her words as well as mine, so I'm not just seeing what I wanted to see. Long story short we had a wonderful night out, talking about everything and listening to music, ended up walking out of the bar hand in hand, kissing by the river, and spending the night in each others arms by the sea until the sun came up (cold bloody night too )

Not to go into every nitty detail of the following few days, we spent monday night travelling around Galway, and going back to my home village afterwards to eat and have a few beers. Her bus back to her guesthouse in the city turned into her spending the evening with my friends, again getting more and more affectionate, staying over in my bed, and leaving the next morning.

Last night was her final night in Galway before returning home today, and she asked me to come in to go for a walk on what was her last night in town. I actually expected it to be just a walk and a chance to say goodbye, but the walk turned into a longer walk, when she wanted me to come out with her to a pub that we used to go to, to listen to traditional music, and again, leaving hand in hand, and ended up laying in the car by the sea, wrapped up in each other, talking about everything and waiting for day to break.

I know that this reads like a bloody Twilight novel, but I'm not a lovesick teenager. I'm an adult who has had a wide spread of relationships, some long term, others not so much. I'm pretty well grounded when it comes to this kind of thing.

She's not the prettiest girl I have ever been with, and sometimes she can be so... German... in terms of not seeing sarcasm it's frustrating, but she has something I can't describe that no other person in the past has had for me. The above statement might sound like a terrible thing to say, but the point I'm trying to make is that it's not just a physical thing which it certainly has been in the past with other girls - I care about her, a crazy amount considering, and for me, she's worth taking the risk. I don't see the feelings as being one sided, I've seen how she acts with me, they aren't the actions of a person who doesn't have feelings for someone. I know her well enough, and I can take a step back enough to look in at how we interact from the outside to make a fair assessment.

I've never hidden the fact that I had feelings for her, I learned long ago the hard way that if you feel something for someone, tell them, lest you never get the chance again. And I didn't let myself develop deeper feelings for her without receiving them in kind. I didn't do the lovestruck crap, but I did tell her how I felt, and that if I had the choice, I'd take the chance to see where it could go. Unfortunately for me, the uber practical German side of the girl is kicking in, and she doesn't want to take the risk of getting involved with someone that's not within driving distance every day, and she's afraid that the odds are it will fail.

I feel like a ****ing idiot for even writing all of this up here. I know I sounds like a raving lunatic, but in my head I don't think I am. I've tried to look at this from all angles. I have another friend here who would move the earth for us to be together, but sadly I don't have the same feelings for her, so I'm not a loner, waiting for "the one" to come along. I've always been pretty level headed about my feelings for women, but I've fallen into this one, hard.

I think she is worth taking any risk for. I think that what we have is awesome in terms of what we have in common, how we interact, and I think it's a sad thing to not try to see how much further it could go, even if it means failing. I'd prefer to try rather than always wonder. I think that if we had met in her home town or I was living there, it wouldn't be an issue, but mainly I think she's scared - she's lived a very German scheduled life, where everything is black or white with no shades of grey, and is scared ****less of stepping out into the unknown and taking the chance.

So.. given the situation, what would you do?

beks101

In the overall scheme of things, Germany is only really a quick hop, skip and a jump away. It's hardly Australia.

How much did you try to convince her, or was this a parting conversation?

Can you take a long weekend break to Germany to spend time with her and further convince her?

LegacyUser

beks101 wrote: »

In the overall scheme of things, Germany is only really a quick hop, skip and a jump away. It's hardly Australia.

I agree, have to admit it's good to hear the same logic from someone else though. The way I see it, it's a cheap Ryanair flight almost to her doorstep. And I'm willing to make the effort to do that if it allows me to see where this goes.

How much did you try to convince her, or was this a parting conversation?

It had come up a little a couple of days ago - the morning after she stayed the night. She admitted that she's afraid that if there isn't a 100% guarantee in things, she tries to avoid them. It's part of her overall makeup that things need to be in black and white - it's a German thing (her words, not mine). He loves ireland and the fact that we can operate in so many shades of grey - being here has always made her happy, and I can see her relax and be herself the more time she spends here.

But to answer your question regarding last night, we had a great night together as I mentioned, she told me all evening that she didn't want to leave the next day. When she should have gone home to rest for her flight the next day, she stayed out, wrapped around me for the entire night until dawn. I told her when I bought her back to her guesthouse that I had feelings for her, and that I thought it was worth finding out where it led. I didn't pull this out of thin air, I said it based on how I felt, and on her words and actions while she was here. And I don't think I read it wrong. And it wasn't an ohmygodiloveyouandweshouldbetogetherforever type conversation.

Can you take a long weekend break to Germany to spend time with her and further convince her?

Yeah, that wouldn't be a problem. But there's a fine line between that great guy that made the effort, and that creepy guy that just turns up on your doorstep hoping you'll be together forever But I'd happily go there to spend time with her if she was open to it. I guess that right now I'm hoping that she'll get home and realises that she misses me, and the dynamic between us, rather than the uber practical ingrained mentality trying to push it aside because it's a "grey" situation rather than a "black" one.

beks101

I'd keep up the contact in the mean time so and gently press the idea of you coming to visit for a few days and see where that goes.

The one thing I'd say though is to respect where she's coming from with her reluctance to get into something long distance. This might not change. I don't think it's necessarily the "Germanic" part of her, moreso the practical, experienced side of her who's perhaps gotten her hopes up before and had her heart broken when things didn't work out. I'm the biggest sap going and I'd be similarly reluctant, to be honest. (!!)

It's often experience, maturity and self-preservation that will influence these kinds of decisions, rather than any kind of "personality quirk" or whatever, and that has to be respected. Perhaps she realizes that her plan will never be to live in Ireland again and she's thinking about her future. Perhaps her feelings aren't quite where yours are. You never really can tell at such an early stage - lots gets said and done that can be misinterpreted.

Sleepless and Manic

I'd be booking the ticket right away.

You're keeping in touch right? And you've chatted about her visit? So it should be easy to bring up that you and her and had an amazing time. And that presumably you'd like to do it again.

She may be black and white but she's attracted to the grey. And she knows the differences. SO be grey and random and passionate. Dont try and be a german...

But I'm a hopeless romantic who usually jumps in way too hard.

LegacyUser

I have to say that I'm genuinely surprised at the amount of people here telling me to go for it! I was half expecting to be told that I was being an idiot and to get over it, you can't possibly feel this way about this girl, etc...

The one thing I'd say though is to respect where she's coming from with her reluctance to get into something long distance. This might not change. I don't think it's necessarily the "Germanic" part of her, moreso the practical, experienced side of her who's perhaps gotten her hopes up before and had her heart broken when things didn't work out. I'm the biggest sap going and I'd be similarly reluctant, to be honest. (!!)

Believe me, I do get that, and regardless of what happens I want to respect her feelings on the matter. I also get that she is more practical than I am, and my experience of her is that she'd usually look at all the practical angles regardless of what her heart wants. However, the friend part of me would like to think that if she came to me and described the situation with another guy, that I'd encourage her to take a leap of faith. As least that's what I hope I'd do. But the line between nudging her in the right direction, and harassing her all the time is a fine one to walk, and I don't want to be that guy either. However I also don't want to lose her... For the first time in my life I'm genuinely at a loss as to how to do this right.

You're keeping in touch right? And you've chatted about her visit? So it should be easy to bring up that you and her and had an amazing time. And that presumably you'd like to do it again.

She left this afternoon, so she's not even home yet. So any chatting we did was before she left. She loved being back here, has said that she's far more content here and doesn't relate to being German, and if she thought she could be happy here every day like she has been this week, she'd move here in an instant. Could just be words of course, but that's what she said. And she spent last night saying that she didn't want to leave, so...

I haven't spoken to her since she got back, I haven't sent anything at all, because I don't want to be that guy who leaves 15 messages one after the other checking up on her. I guess part of me also hopes that absence will make her miss my presence, but maybe that's wishful thinking.

She may be black and white but she's attracted to the grey. And she knows the differences. SO be grey and random and passionate. Dont try and be a german...

I hope so, I sincerely do. As it happens, we we got into a discussion about "romance" in the pub last night, what it meant, etc, and she wanted to know why I thought that as guys got older, they made less effort at romantic gestures. As it happens (and I'm mortified and embarrassed to admit this), I had made her a mix CD of music that we had discussed and listened to over the past few days (I haven't made a mix CD for a girl since I was 15, and back then it was on tape), and an hour or so later I gave it to her and her eyes lit up like christmas, apparently this is what a romantic gesture should be, according to her. Sounds stupid, I know, but it's things like this, and stretching out the night until she absolutely had no choice but to leave that make me believe that she wants something too, and it's why I'm not willing to give up on the situation.

If I'm being an idiot, please tell me that I'm being an idiot....

cookiexx

i don't think you're being an idiot, but I think you'd be naive to think that all your relationship experience and time spent with women in the past makes you immune to jumping into something too quickly and getting your heart broken again.

The heart is a funny thing and can make the wisest of us blind to what we should be seeing.

It sounds like you're mad about this one and you have a solid friendship, which is a great foundation for a relationship.

BUT. She has expressedly told you that she's not interested in a long-distance relationship and doesn't think it would work. Don't clock that down to a cultural thing - her being "German" or whatever - that's kind of disrespectful tbf. If I felt that way about some guy, i'd be a bit pissed of he wasn't really listening to my reasons and instead just tried to convince me I was wrong. LD relationships are bloody tough work, the distance is a killer, her reasons are very valid.

And, you've only spent a matter of days together as a "couple" - two, three days? And you're already making mixed tapes and trekking off to Germany after her.

That, to me, sounds like rushing in. I've had a fair few relationships too and my experience has taught me to play things by ear, hold back a little when you meet someone you have strong feelings for and see if it's reciprocated over time - see how the communication goes for the next few weeks/months.

Give her time to miss you, to figure out what she wants. Stay in contact but give her space too, see if she makes the effort with you. The worst thing that could happen is for you to pressure her into something she's not quite sure about, by arriving on her door step in Germany and "convincing" her you're made for each other, only for things to not work out and for you to lose the friendship as well as everything else.

So i'd say you should exercise some restraint here, don't be ruled by your emotions and respect her boundaries.

The Princess Bride

When you look back on your life, you'll regret the things you didn't do more than the things you did.

You've nothing to lose if things don't work out-at least you won't spend the rest of your life wondering "what if".
Wait until she has settled back, email/text/phone, whatever you've done before.
Perhaps suggest a weekend visit-nothing more than that for the moment, just good friends catching up-a bit like her visit here last week-no pressure.

Then take it from there, one step at a time.
Best of luck.

brandom

Sort of in the same boat as you, except I am here and he's in Canada, so its not quite such a short flight. I will say that you need to think long and hard because any LDR is hard work, and if its going to work at all you BOTH need to be fully committed to it because its going to take a lot of effort from both sides. Its still very early days, and it sounds like you are right, she may be scared of taking on something that is "unusual" and outside her comfort zone. A lot of the posters here have given you some very good advice, the best being take it slowly and keep the lines of communication open and most importantly don't try to rush or force things just give her time to warm up to the idea that just because you are not 5mins down the road doesn't mean that you shouldn't be together. If the connection is as strong as you are describing on her side as well as yours, seems like she could come round to the idea and its funny but once you find yourself in the situation, it suddenly becomes much more do-able than you ever thought it would be. I am not saying its always easy because its not, it can be very hard to be apart for long chunks of time, or not to have the other person there when you need them but if they're worth it they're worth it. Anyway all I can say is 2 years in I don't regret going for it, and I wish you all the very best

LegacyUser

Hey all, I appreciate the advice all round, particularly the fact that people didn't just chip into say that I was being a big child and to grow up The fact that so many people have told me to pursue this gives me a little hope, to be honest.

cookiexx, I wasn't trying to be disrespectful towards the girl by writing off how she deals with things as being "German" - we had talked about this a few nights ago ourselves and these were the words that she used. We were discussing it in a more general context, but I think it crosses over into here too. And I know that she is right and has a very valid point - I've done the LDR thing before and it's difficult, and makes you wonder at times why you're bothering, and quite often fails. I wouldn't enter into one lightly either, or recommend anyone else to do so.

the mix CD... yeah, that is kind of embarrassing. A large part of our shared interests is music, and we spent a good chunk of time going through older music that we like, or is good to work out to, or relax to. Hence the CD as a gift. But yeah...

I'm not going to board the first plane at the airport, don't worry It is hard not to act on this I have to admit - I'm usually the kind of person that can jump in and fix almost everything straight away, and it's difficult being in a situation where that is not an option, and patience is a greater virtue. But I'll give it time for the dust to settle - the girl can't miss me if I don't leave her alone, and hopefully something will spark for her. I'm just worried that she'll push it aside rather than deal with the what if's, because it's not a black and white situation.

P. Breathnach

dumbass_in_galway wrote: »

... But I'll give it time for the dust to settle - the girl can't miss me if I don't leave her alone, and hopefully something will spark for her....

That's coming dangerously close to game-playing.

What you describe in your opening post reads to me like the basis of an enduring relationship, and I think you should pursue it actively. That means that you should both look hard at how you might arrange to live in the same place.

LegacyUser

P. Breathnach wrote: »

That's coming dangerously close to game-playing.

Yeah... that's definitely not my intent. I'm trying to find the balance between actively pursuing the situation to see what develops, and giving her enough breathing space to come to her own conclusions about her own feelings. And I don't want to screw it up.

Curry Addict

i was in a similar position years ago. I dated a dutch girl who was living in holland. we came back and forth every 2nd weekend. It worked out for us, we are now happily married and settled here.
Unless you are prepared to live in Germany and she in Ireland, its unlikey it will work out. Its important to be on an equal footing and objective when deciding where to settle in the medium term in my experience.

dumbass_galway

Well things have taken an interesting turn in the past few days since she's gotten home. Before all of this we would have chatted once in a while, however since she's returned, we've chatted every day for a couple of hours, and it's all been good. Apparently the CD that I gave her is on all day long, and last night we were talking about how different she becomes when she's in Ireland, more relaxed and easygoing, so on, and she told me that being away from Ireland was hard, and that being with me also got her thinking again, about the time she lived there, how she felt and everything, and that she thinks that she needed to be reminded of that again... I'll be the first to admit that I've misread signals from people in the past, but for a person that was reluctant to get into anything, she sure is sending out the opposite vibes....

doughef

http://www.aerlingus.com/en-GB/home/index.jsp

Legs.Eleven

Would you ever think about moving there, OP?

dumbass_galway

Legs.Eleven wrote: »

Would you ever think about moving there, OP?

I've lived long term on six of the seven continents, so moving isn't exactly a big deal for me. Though I have to admit that "move to Germany" was never on my bucket list, I don't have anything particularly against going there - another language to learn before I could get a decent job, but that's about it

So yes, I guess is the answer, if the circumstances were right.

P. Breathnach

It seems to me, based on your earlier post, that she might be looking at moving to Ireland. It wouldn't do if you hightailed it to Germany while she was relocating.

[You do understand, I hope, that as well as wishing the best outcome for you, we are all expecting invitations to share your big day.]

dumbass_galway

P. Breathnach wrote: »

It seems to me, based on your earlier post, that she might be looking at moving to Ireland. It wouldn't do if you hightailed it to Germany while she was relocating.

Yeah, I think she's beginning to realise that life at home isn't all it's cracked up to be, and that she's much more content in Ireland, and I can see the change in her when she's here - that Irish people have a more laid back approach to life and tend to enjoy it more, than at in Germany where she's expected to fall into her particular groove and stay in it. And I'm glad it's like that for her - it's not just about me or what I want. Regardless of whether whatever is between us develops into anything, she is my friend first and foremost, and I'd like to see her find her niche and be happy.

[You do understand, I hope, that as well as wishing the best outcome for you, we are all expecting invitations to share your big day.]

I'll keep that in mind

Irish_Elect_Eng

Your mail made me smile with many memories of how I met my wife... :-)

Most relevant to you, I remember the day I went to the travel agent and booked "that flight", the fears before I made the slightly impulsive decision and the relief once the flights were booked.

Go for it, having a fear of getting your heart broken is rational, but love is not, Jump in, do not waste time.

Take a week off at a time that she can spend some time with you, go to Germany, be very clear what you want form the relationship, ie. to be with her.
If you do love her, tell her, No Games.

Forget talking LDR, that may be a temporary situation, but you need to discuss the end-game.

4 Options:

• She moves to Galway (An who in theri right mind would not want to live in Galway :-) )
• You move to Germany
• You Both Move to a third location
• You decide to end it / or remain platonic friends.

Perhaps she is just waiting for you to invite her to come to live in Ireland.
Perhaps all she needs is a little commitment from you to make the decision.

"You make me happy, I hope that I make you happy, come and live with me in Ireland, lets see if we can make a life together."

Her Black and White "German" side will appreciate it if you lay it on the line.
Her attraction to the Irish "Grayness" will appreciate the romance.

Best of Luck.

Just Do It, One Click to Kick-Start the Rest of Your Life

dumbass_galway

I guess I got the advice I needed, and normally I'd leave it at that and let the thread die off into the ether, but considering that people have taken the time out to steer me in the right direction, I guess it's only fair to let you know that sometimes, there is an end result....

the messaging has continued every day since she returned. First thing in the morning before she heads off to work, she leaves something new for me to wake up to. And every evening for an hour or two, when we can work it around work that we both have to take home (she's a teacher).

This evening she asked me about the CD's, whether they were something I made for every girl that came along, or whether the music was tailored just for her. So I decided to come clean, and tell her how I felt.

...she wants me to come to Germany and spend time with her at the end of the month. To show me her life there, where she grew up, etc. She doesn't know where it will lead, and still doesn't believe something long term is possible, but she wants to bite the bullet and try, and see where it takes us.

Just thought you guys should know