friend or full of bull?

Sadderday

I dont know if I'm in the right place here but I am interested in your opinions...

I have a very good friend that i've known 15 years. This friend and I haven't had many arguments but have had periods where we drifted apart over the years. In recent months we are very close. This friend stayed in my family home for weeks a time over the past few years. The friend was always made very welcome with nothing expected in return. Dinners, showers and a spare room. Everyone is very fond of this friend however; this friend has financial issues (works full time-no bills-just a spender) and seems like these issues spill over into my life when in such close proximity for an extended amount of time. For example, needing lends a lot of the time (which are returned but are a pain in the ass ya know yourself..going to bank machines etc when you don't need to be)

The one thing that bothers me most is that a family member gave this friend money (say no more than €40) to pick up something months ago and it was never returned, mentioned or the product purchased. I feel terrible as it is my friend and after months of reminding the friend to pick up the product I've given up and am preparing the showdown. Problem is -the friend is very charming making such conversations difficult.
My family member doesn't want to make a deal of this and would rather let it go. However; its the principle of it I feel - you've essentially stolen a persons money (a person that looked after you time and time again).
I had expected the product to be bought straight away out of good faith, then I expected out of embarrassment after I asked about it a few times, then maybe out of guilt but nothing yet.
Would such a person be worthy of any trust in future? Or would it be wise to believe they are stuck in a rut? Just trying to figure out if said friend is a real friend after all.
So, how do these conversations normally go? Any similar experiences?

Sauve

mod

Hi OP, I have moved your thread to here as I think you will get better responses in this forum. Please read their charter.

Bet of luck,
Sauve

Toast4532

Personally, I would straight out ask the person about whatever it is they were meant to buy.

If someone gives me money to pick something up for them, I will get what it is they want, and if I can't, I'll return the money, but I would never, ever spend or keep that money for myself.

If they have financial issues due to over spending, then really, I wouldn't be tempting them by giving them more money to pick up stuff for me. And I wouldn't be lending them money either, you are facilitating their over spending by lending money.

Sadderday

Sauve wrote: »

mod

Hi OP, I have moved your thread to here as I think you will get better responses in this forum. Please read their charter.

Bet of luck,
Sauve

Thanks

Sadderday

Toast4532 wrote: »

Personally, I would straight out ask the person about whatever it is they were meant to buy.

If someone gives me money to pick something up for them, I will get what it is they want, and if I can't, I'll return the money, but I would never, ever spend or keep that money for myself.

If they have financial issues due to over spending, then really, I wouldn't be tempting them by giving them more money to pick up stuff for me. And I wouldn't be lending them money either, you are facilitating their over spending by lending money.

Well this is something we only really discovered recently... I know I shouldn't lend out.... but for example... I got a call to say the friend was standing on the quays in dublin at 11am with not a red cent crying and needed bus fare badly. So I left work, hit the bank machine and when I met friend, friend was in a coffee shop with a mini latte... I did say - I thought you no had money... response - I had some change in my pocket... when I got home there was a bottle of 7up on the table that said friend must have bought on their way home too.

I know this all sounds totally not right. I did say I think we should talk but said friend said they had to go and left so I think friend knew what was coming and got embarrassed. I'm angry more so that a family member is left short... obviously we trusted friend. So, I'm just wondering if there is any way of throwing it all out there and explain that I know the piss is being taken without totally destructing the friendship? Friend has a way of making you feel sorry for them

Toast4532

Sadderday wrote: »

Well this is something we only really discovered recently... I know I shouldn't lend out.... but for example... I got a call to say the friend was standing on the quays in dublin at 11am with not a red cent crying and needed bus fare badly. So I left work, hit the bank machine and when I met friend, friend was in a coffee shop with a mini latte... I did say - I thought you no had money... response - I had some change in my pocket... when I got home there was a bottle of 7up on the table that said friend must have bought on their way home too.

I know this all sounds totally not right. I did say I think we should talk but said friend said they had to go and left so I think friend knew what was coming and got embarrassed. I'm angry more so that a family member is left short... obviously we trusted friend. So, I'm just wondering if there is any way of throwing it all out there and explain that I know the piss is being taken without totally destructing the friendship? Friend has a way of making you feel sorry for them

I don't mean to cause offence, and apologise if I do, but this 'friend' has you wrapped around her finger.

No money, but has a latte, and 'found' change? She knew all along what she had but again, wanted to over spend.

Next time she asks for money say you haven't got it and see what happens, guarantee you she/he will get whatever it is they want the money for.

I would just sit down with the friend and just tell them what you've told us here, explain about the family member etc, you lending them money constantly and explain it can't happen anymore. Explain that you have your own outgoings, bills etc that you need your money for and you can't afford to keep her going on lends etc.

There are budgeting services like MABs etc. that are there to help, maybe your friend should speak to them to help her/him get a handle on his/her spending.

https://www.mabs.ie/

Sadderday

Toast4532 wrote: »

I don't mean to cause offence, and apologise if I do, but this 'friend' has you wrapped around her finger.

No money, but has a latte, and 'found' change? She knew all along what she had but again, wanted to over spend.

Next time she asks for money say you haven't got it and see what happens, guarantee you she/he will get whatever it is they want the money for.

I would just sit down with the friend and just tell them what you've told us here, explain about the family member etc, you lending them money constantly and explain it can't happen anymore. Explain that you have your own outgoings, bills etc that you need your money for and you can't afford to keep her going on lends etc.

There are budgeting services like MABs etc. that are there to help, maybe your friend should speak to them to help her/him get a handle on his/her spending.

https://www.mabs.ie/

Thanks Toast... I guess there's no sugarcoating this one!

keithsfleet

Personally I only see two reasons for this.

1) The Friend has issues that you don't know about, you would need to sit them down in a setting they would find comfortable and get them to open up about why they are heavily relying on you to sustain their life.

2) They see you as a gravy train.

Either way you need to talk to them.
I've no idea what age you or they are but I'm assuming you are both grown adults and they need to realise they can't lean on someone else for their entire life.

leahyl

OP, this friend of yours is a messer pure and simple; you are a good friend and it must be difficult to be in this situation where you are being taken advantage of. You need to stop this now before it gets out of hand; and I would make it a point of getting that 40e back - it's not like it was 40c for Gods sake.

You are too kind and you need to be a bit 'cuter' when it comes to this person; it seems they are cute enough themselves by fooling you into thinking they are broke most of the time.

Sadderday

keithsfleet wrote: »

Personally I only see two reasons for this.

1) The Friend has issues that you don't know about, you would need to sit them down in a setting they would find comfortable and get them to open up about why they are heavily relying on you to sustain their life.

2) They see you as a gravy train.

Either way you need to talk to them.
I've no idea what age you or they are but I'm assuming you are both grown adults and they need to realise they can't lean on someone else for their entire life.

Hi thanks, dont think its 1, i've seen friend spend over 100euro on clothes at the weekend and having nothing left by tuesday. Plus friends father seems to be giving lends left right and centre. I feel terrible but I have no interest in making this friend feel comfortable - I couldn't be more angry about it and I don't want to make everything easy. I do think I was taken advantage of but friend is so intelligent that a sweetness, charming act is switched on.. especially on front of my parents which has made me look like an a-hole to them and they think i'm too harsh. I just don't want it to continue on as is

Sadderday

leahyl wrote: »

OP, this friend of yours is a messer pure and simple; you are a good friend and it must be difficult to be in this situation where you are being taken advantage of. You need to stop this now before it gets out of hand; and I would make it a point of getting that 40e back - it's not like it was 40c for Gods sake.

You are too kind and you need to be a bit 'cuter' when it comes to this person; it seems they are cute enough themselves by fooling you into thinking they are broke most of the time.

Thanks yeah - the family member lives in the house and is retired... so the €40 is alot ya know. I'm trying to be vague btw so this isn't immediately identifable to anyone that knows me(dont wanna cause trouble). When friend was coming for a six week stay I asked about the product. Said person lied and said they forgot (for months) btu when I sat down and asked outstraight friend admitted spending the money. I dont want to bail friend out by just buying it for the family member but I do feel terrible about it. So yes, I am going to have to ask outstraight for it... and I know this is terrible but friend won a few hundred quid a few weeks ago WHILE staying in the house. Didnt cross friends mind to replace the product (which I think is strange - but went on a bender the following weekend...and I wasn't invited either!) or even buy something to show appreciation to my family.

I just don't know how to impact this person,

Oryx

Your friend is selfish, and mean when it comes to other people. There's no other way to put it. Their money is theirs, but so is everyone else's, yet when it comes to being responsible, and looking after people they owe money to, they cant be bothered, quite simply because their own interests come first.

There is a reason why this person is so nice and believable. Because it works. It gets them what they want, and they wont change a winning strategy. When it stops working and you challenge them, they change tack and either get out of there or fight back, right?

You are being taken for a mug, and you need to confront it. In all likelihood your friendship will suffer, your friend will move on to other people who will play the game with him/her, as you're no longer useful in that way. A tough thing to deal with, but at the moment, you are being used.

Sadderday

Oryx wrote: »

Your friend is selfish, and mean when it comes to other people. There's no other way to put it. Their money is theirs, but so is everyone else's, yet when it comes to being responsible, and looking after people they owe money to, they cant be bothered, quite simply because their own interests come first.

There is a reason why this person is so nice and believable. Because it works. It gets them what they want, and they wont change a winning strategy. When it stops working and you challenge them, they change tack and either get out of there or fight back, right?

You are being taken for a mug, and you need to confront it. In all likelihood your friendship will suffer, your friend will move on to other people who will play the game with him/her, as you're no longer useful in that way. A tough thing to deal with, but at the moment, you are being used.

Thank you, I agree with that as does a couple of other friends. But how do you show someone like this that they are using you? because I'm still not 100% sure if it friend is intending on using or if its just the way friend was brought up

Oryx

Sadderday wrote: »

Thank you, I agree with that as does a couple of other friends. But how do you show someone like this that they are using you? because I'm still not 100% sure if it friend is intending on using or if its just the way friend was brought up

You dont show them, you just stop letting them use you. I reckon the ability to say NO without guilt or explanation is the most useful thing an adult can learn.

Sadderday

Oryx wrote: »

You dont show them, you just stop letting them use you. I reckon the ability to say NO without guilt or explanation is the most useful thing an adult can learn.

I guess you're dead right... just after 15 years its a hard pill to swallow.

Thanks

XxMCRxBabyxX

Do you know when your friend's pay day is? Chase them up the day before and of and remind them about the thing they were meant to buy. They can't say that they don't have the money if you know that they have just been paid.

Sadderday

XxMCRxBabyxX wrote: »

Do you know when your friend's pay day is? Chase them up the day before and of and remind them about the thing they were meant to buy. They can't say that they don't have the money if you know that they have just been paid.

Paid on fridays... tried that before via text with a gentle reminder but it was forgotten about by sunday night when friend came back for another week. it wasn't mentioned... when I asked I got 'I totally forgot etc etc'

Whats more... when i was near my wits end and I decided that I would confront friend and friend said 'had to go' and drove off i didnt hear anything for a few days. I did get a call out of the blue from friend to say that friend would be dropping over with flowers and the product that the money was for... the following week. (so friend knew what I was going to say)... but never turned up.

To me - a real friend would make a real effort to put things right when they know what you're upset about.

XxMCRxBabyxX

Sadderday wrote: »

Paid on fridays... tried that before via text with a gentle reminder but it was forgotten about by sunday night when friend came back for another week. it wasn't mentioned... when I asked I got 'I totally forgot etc etc'

Whats more... when i was near my wits end and I decided that I would confront friend and friend said 'had to go' and drove off i didnt hear anything for a few days. I did get a call out of the blue from friend to say that friend would be dropping over with flowers and the product that the money was for... the following week. (so friend knew what I was going to say)... but never turned up.

To me - a real friend would make a real effort to put things right when they know what you're upset about.

You don't have a real friend, you have a leech.

Is there any chance you could meet them in a situation where they'd have no way out? Now I don't mean handcuff them to a chair but just a way that they couldn't run easily. Maybe establish a set time beforehand where you would "have to run" at a certain time before they get a chance to. Maybe even on a Friday so you can try get repaid or the product bought too.

The other option is to just cut your ties and losses. At this stage it may be your best option. No more real contact and, more importantly, no more loans.

leahyl

XxMCRxBabyxX wrote: »

The other option is to just cut your ties and losses. At this stage it may be your best option. No more real contact and, more importantly, no more loans.

I agree with this - this person needs to be confronted and told in no uncertain terms that this behaviour towards a friend isn't acceptable. Good God, before I'd treat a friend like that....I can't believe what users some people are.

Sadderday

XxMCRxBabyxX wrote: »

You don't have a real friend, you have a leech.

Is there any chance you could meet them in a situation where they'd have no way out? Now I don't mean handcuff them to a chair but just a way that they couldn't run easily. Maybe establish a set time beforehand where you would "have to run" at a certain time before they get a chance to. Maybe even on a Friday so you can try get repaid or the product bought too.

The other option is to just cut your ties and losses. At this stage it may be your best option. No more real contact and, more importantly, no more loans.

Thanks so much for taking the time out of your day to respond.... I do really appreciate it. you've definately cleared up the options. Either meet friend to take back whats owed and make friend aware that I know that I am being used for a mug ... on a friday or just learn a lesson from it and forget the whole lot move on and keep my distance.

I think the reason this has all come out in recent months is because friend has a sense of entitlement I never saw. Friend just got out of a 10 year relationship where the other half was obviously footing the bill the whole time and when that ended... I realise that Im the replacement.

Sadderday

leahyl wrote: »

I agree with this - this person needs to be confronted and told in no uncertain terms that this behaviour towards a friend isn't acceptable. Good God, before I'd treat a friend like that....I can't believe what users some people are.

I know it's actually shocking ... I dont ask for much.. just a little respect especially for my family that are so welcoming and accomodating. Its so hard to find decent friends out there... or maybe people just change..

Either way they're scarce so if you have a good friend... hang onto them.

I'm lucky that my family are golden... I'll always have real friends there... just a shame that people are ok with letting you down even when you care about them.

Sadderday

Do you think if I tackle friend, lay everything out there without holding back and friend accepts responsibility of actions, it's worth salvaging?

I know I would need to keep wits about me to ensure its genuine !

XxMCRxBabyxX

It's clear that you're hurt by this and the relationship breakup does explain a bit about her but you're not her personal ATM and you need to explain this to her clearly. It's up to you as to how you continue your friendship afterwards. Do you want to salvage it?

Sadderday

XxMCRxBabyxX wrote: »

It's clear that you're hurt by this and the relationship breakup does explain a bit about her but you're not her personal ATM and you need to explain this to her clearly. It's up to you as to how you continue your friendship afterwards. Do you want to salvage it?

I think I will need to be firm and distant for a while after the talk anyway for friend to realise that I am serious about it and its not something that will continue in my life. In addition; its the emotional burden of calling me crying cos your stuck in town skint and telling me you will be late to meet me cos your going to try pawn off jewellery. I don't need to hear this stuff but I feel like a bad friend bringing that kind of stuff up. Wouldn't mind obviously the odd dig out - but I think in such events you need to contact your own family. I've never ever asked for anything from this person.

Even texting to say your in a&e on your own cos you hurt your arm... I rush down there and you've fell on a night out the night before (i wasn't invited) and I stay there the whole time and you smoke all of my cigarettes... which is what I thought friends would do... but every week there something... waking me up at 5am cos your stomach is sore etc etc asking me to mind your big dog cos I've a back garden .... its not just as simple as having a friend anymore its a friend and heap of responsibility. My shoulders feel lighter since there's been some distance.

I got a text yesterday which read 'I know I've been a bad friend, I'll make it up to you I promise' ..... this may sound just dramatic but at this stage your texts aren't good enough....

So as it stands I'm not interested in being close anymore because its hassle but we've been friends so long so I suppose if the person is willing to make a proper effort then I'll let them in but I'll never really trust them again.

I moved in with my other half last week and I don't want this person over all the time especially at the start so I guess I've been avoiding even having the conversation incase this person thinks its fine

XxMCRxBabyxX

Sadderday wrote: »

I think I will need to be firm and distant for a while after the talk anyway for friend to realise that I am serious about it and its not something that will continue in my life. In addition; its the emotional burden of calling me crying cos your stuck in town skint and telling me you will be late to meet me cos your going to try pawn off jewellery. I don't need to hear this stuff but I feel like a bad friend bringing that kind of stuff up. Wouldn't mind obviously the odd dig out - but I think in such events you need to contact your own family. I've never ever asked for anything from this person.

Even texting to say your in a&e on your own cos you hurt your arm... I rush down there and you've fell on a night out the night before (i wasn't invited) and I stay there the whole time and you smoke all of my cigarettes... which is what I thought friends would do... but every week there something... waking me up at 5am cos your stomach is sore etc etc asking me to mind your big dog cos I've a back garden .... its not just as simple as having a friend anymore its a friend and heap of responsibility. My shoulders feel lighter since there's been some distance.

I got a text yesterday which read 'I know I've been a bad friend, I'll make it up to you I promise' ..... this may sound just dramatic but at this stage your texts aren't good enough....

So as it stands I'm not interested in being close anymore because its hassle but we've been friends so long so I suppose if the person is willing to make a proper effort then I'll let them in but I'll never really trust them again.

I moved in with my other half last week and I don't want this person over all the time especially at the start so I guess I've been avoiding even having the conversation incase this person thinks its fine

Jesus she's even worse than I thought!

You clearly know what you want to say and I have a feeling you have been harnessing it in for a while. Just say this all as calmly as possible to her and then leave it to her to think about while taking your own time. You have an exciting time with your OH (congrats btw!) so concentrate on that. Not her.

Sadderday

XxMCRxBabyxX wrote: »

Jesus she's even worse than I thought!

You clearly know what you want to say and I have a feeling you have been harnessing it in for a while. Just say this all as calmly as possible to her and then leave it to her to think about while taking your own time. You have an exciting time with your OH (congrats btw!) so concentrate on that. Not her.

your right - thanks so much... i tried to the hide the fact that of course she's a she... I guess because I thought it would all be dismissed.... a couple of women with problems ya know but it must have been easy to figure out.

Thanks so much !
Yeah its bothering me a while. I had to ask advice from boards.ie because the OH is telling me just to let it go but I dont think he realises how bad it is. I suppose I felt so terrible that a family member didnt get what they asked for ( a bottle of some perfume) that I bought a cheaper version (all I could afford) and gave it to my friend... I told my friend to give it to my family member and tell her that she hasn't forgotten about the stuff she paid for... its on order and she got this to have in the meantime. The older family member was happy enough.

I watched my friend lie and reap up the thanks very much for this etc etc.. but I did it to see how capable she was of lying and also because I didnt want the family member to be hurt by my friend as she is very fond of her and has done alot for her over the years. You would think after that - a person would feel so bad that they would sort out the very next payday... I know what I have to say and I know you've given all the advice possible but I just cannot believe that someone could come back to your house after that, look you in the eye and eat your food without fixing things- its crazy to me!

Thanks for all of your help... at least I know now that I'm not being harsh or being a bad friend by confronting all of these issues!

K_P

Sadderday wrote: »

Do you think if I tackle friend, lay everything out there without holding back and friend accepts responsibility of actions, it's worth salvaging?

I know I would need to keep wits about me to ensure its genuine !

Hi OP, I totally agree with every other bit of advice you've been given here, and I think you know yourself it's true, but I suppose it just takes a bit of time to realise sometimes.

This person has clearly been indulged her whole life and feels entitled to use people for money / attention / favours / whatever. It can take a long long time to wake up to people like this, especially when you've been friends for a long time. I had a friend who sounds exactly like yours - an absolute leech. My god, the stories I could tell about her! Even though other friends and family could see what she was like a mile off, I stuck by her and defended her... until eventually she took the p*ss so ridiculously that I had to just cut her loose. Even though she could be great fun a lot of the time, once I saw her for what she really was I found I had no interest in being her friend anymore so that was that.

If you feel you want to stay friends with this girl after you've confronted her and after she's made amends, then that's entirely up to you. But be wary about her falling back into old habits. And you might just find like I did that you just don't want to be around her so that problem will sort itself out.

I have to say if I were you I'd cut my losses, get the €40 item for your relative and give it to them and consider €40 a very cost effective way of getting this person out of your life.

Ande1975

Op,

First of all, you are an extremely patient, kind and generous person to your friend. You are a real gem.
Your friend has replaced her OH with you. (I may have missed this but do you know why the relationship ended? Was he sick of being taken advantage of?) She sounds extremely helpless and it won't stop unless people stop indulging her.
One thing that doesn't seem to be clear from this thread is (and forgive the way I ask this but) - what's in this friendship for you?
I know its 15 years but like any relationship if its not working for you, why stay in it?
Sounds like this girl has some harsh lessons to learn.
Can you drive somewhere (just the two of you) and talk? Somewhere where she can't run off.
She's acting like a baby and won't change unless she's forced to.
Stop answering your phone and stop being available to her. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

Sadderday

K_P wrote: »

Hi OP, I totally agree with every other bit of advice you've been given here, and I think you know yourself it's true, but I suppose it just takes a bit of time to realise sometimes.

This person has clearly been indulged her whole life and feels entitled to use people for money / attention / favours / whatever. It can take a long long time to wake up to people like this, especially when you've been friends for a long time. I had a friend who sounds exactly like yours - an absolute leech. My god, the stories I could tell about her! Even though other friends and family could see what she was like a mile off, I stuck by her and defended her... until eventually she took the p*ss so ridiculously that I had to just cut her loose. Even though she could be great fun a lot of the time, once I saw her for what she really was I found I had no interest in being her friend anymore so that was that.

If you feel you want to stay friends with this girl after you've confronted her and after she's made amends, then that's entirely up to you. But be wary about her falling back into old habits. And you might just find like I did that you just don't want to be around her so that problem will sort itself out.

I have to say if I were you I'd cut my losses, get the €40 item for your relative and give it to them and consider €40 a very cost effective way of getting this person out of your life.

I have a feeling it will come down to that anyway! I can't see a healthy relationship ahead... I think I'll always be a bit resentful. I know I sound petty about the €40 but its just that it wasn't my money ya know... so I feel bad that my friend didnt pay the relative back and its not right... but even if she does buy it now - it took months of asking for it - means nothing... so I will replace it myself. Your right takes a while to realise, really takes alot outta ya. Ah its tricky cos not really interested in being friends but its a shame that happened - wish it didnt ya know.
Thanks very much - thought I would get backlash for being OTT about the money.

Sadderday

Ande1975 wrote: »

Op,

First of all, you are an extremely patient, kind and generous person to your friend. You are a real gem.
Your friend has replaced her OH with you. (I may have missed this but do you know why the relationship ended? Was he sick of being taken advantage of?) She sounds extremely helpless and it won't stop unless people stop indulging her.
One thing that doesn't seem to be clear from this thread is (and forgive the way I ask this but) - what's in this friendship for you?
I know its 15 years but like any relationship if its not working for you, why stay in it?
Sounds like this girl has some harsh lessons to learn.
Can you drive somewhere (just the two of you) and talk? Somewhere where she can't run off.
She's acting like a baby and won't change unless she's forced to.
Stop answering your phone and stop being available to her. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

Thanks for that. I am distant with her but at the same time trying to be adult so briefly responding to her txts with polite excuses. I am preparing for the talk, best idea is defo to sit in the car somewhere. I'm not getting much from the relationship as of late really, its a give to take kinda relationship at the minute (left a dvd on your bed to watch but can I have cigarette I'm all out)

her ex wasn't perfect but he certainly was bailing her out alot. I was trying to be vague at the start of the thread!, didn't realise it would get so long it will be well figured out now if it's seen! but I suppose the important thing is that my mother treated this girl like her own, makes her dinner, bought her an electric blanket, made boiled egg n toast when shes sick etc etc... I'm just livid about her not returning her money - it's the least she could do ya no... not that my mother or I expect anything extra but ya know what I mean in fairness a bunch of flowers would be a nice touch.
We do live over an hour away from each other but I'm holding out to speak face to face on neutral ground.

I suppose my issue is that I cannot understand how someone that is actually really sweet, pretty and nice knows that they are just using you. I'm still trying to figure out if its just in her make up and she doesnt realise the half of it ya know

K_P

Sadderday wrote: »

I have a feeling it will come down to that anyway! I can't see a healthy relationship ahead... I think I'll always be a bit resentful. I know I sound petty about the €40 but its just that it wasn't my money ya know... so I feel bad that my friend didnt pay the relative back and its not right... but even if she does buy it now - it took months of asking for it - means nothing... so I will replace it myself. Your right takes a while to realise, really takes alot outta ya. Ah its tricky cos not really interested in being friends but its a shame that happened - wish it didnt ya know.
Thanks very much - thought I would get backlash for being OTT about the money.

Not OTT at all, far from it, you've been incredibly patient with her. I know what you mean about feeling sad about things coming to this, but that was 100% your friend's doing, not you. She's the one who's created this situation and the alternative is for you to continue to be her ATM machine.

I'd just distance myself from her. Don't be available to her. If she leaves you ridiculous messages about pawning her jewellery for the bus fare (WTF? :eek:) just ignore them. That, by the way, is one of the most blatantly manipulative things I've ever heard. What next? "I'll be late to meet you as I have to go on the game to pay for lunch." Anyway, easier said than done I know, but call her bluff on these things or just ignore them.

Make it up to your relative as best you can (even though this isn't your fault but it's coming across that you feel bad for them being out of pocket), make yourself unavailable to her, ignore her manipulation and enjoy this time having just moved in with your partner. Good luck OP.

Sadderday

K_P wrote: »

Not OTT at all, far from it, you've been incredibly patient with her. I know what you mean about feeling sad about things coming to this, but that was 100% your friend's doing, not you. She's the one who's created this situation and the alternative is for you to continue to be her ATM machine.

I'd just distance myself from her. Don't be available to her. If she leaves you ridiculous messages about pawning her jewellery for the bus fare (WTF? :eek:) just ignore them. That, by the way, is one of the most blatantly manipulative things I've ever heard. What next? "I'll be late to meet you as I have to go on the game to pay for lunch." Anyway, easier said than done I know, but call her bluff on these things or just ignore them.

Make it up to your relative as best you can (even though this isn't your fault but it's coming across that you feel bad for them being out of pocket), make yourself unavailable to her, ignore her manipulation and enjoy this time having just moved in with your partner. Good luck OP.

"I'll be late to meet you as I have to go on the game to pay for lunch."
well, nice one- I got a good giggle outta that. Thanks very much for taking time to post on this. So glad you view those kind of messages as unreasonable.. feel more confident bringing it up now. Thanks again.

Ande1975

Sadderday wrote: »

I suppose my issue is that I cannot understand how someone that is actually really sweet, pretty and nice knows that they are just using you. I'm still trying to figure out if its just in her make up and she doesnt realise the half of it ya know

OP, I would be disgusted too if my friend behaved that way and treated my mum like that.
The reason she's like that is because she is spoiled and obviously very mean. As my uncle would say she's as tight as fishes f&rt - and that's water tight. (sorry to be crude).

Sadderday

Ande1975 wrote: »

OP, I would be disgusted too if my friend behaved that way and treated my mum like that.
The reason she's like that is because she is spoiled and obviously very mean. As my uncle would say she's as tight as fishes f&rt - and that's water tight. (sorry to be crude).

I've heard cruder ! My mother thinks the sun shines out of the girls ass so we've had arguments about it... mother doesn't want any hassle and thinks i'm way overreacting so no back up there... I dont live at home anymore but my mother says my friend would still be welcome anytime and it would be an issue if it was €400 but the €40 has just thought her not to give money out in good faith anymore unless its family. I appreciate that my mother doesn't want to upset anyone or be involved in anything awkward which is fair enough... I have to say I understand where she is coming from there. But throughout the period where there has been distance between my friend and I, she is sending my mother nice text messages which I think is to ensure that she stays on the good side.

Ande1975

Sadderday wrote: »

I've heard cruder ! My mother thinks the sun shines out of the girls ass so we've had arguments about it... mother doesn't want any hassle and thinks i'm way overreacting so no back up there... I dont live at home anymore but my mother says my friend would still be welcome anytime and it would be an issue if it was €400 but the €40 has just thought her not to give money out in good faith anymore unless its family. I appreciate that my mother doesn't want to upset anyone or be involved in anything awkward which is fair enough... I have to say I understand where she is coming from there. But throughout the period where there has been distance between my friend and I, she is sending my mother nice text messages which I think is to ensure that she stays on the good side.

And she's crafty to boot... She's some piece of work. However its not just about the 40e anymore. Have you spoken to your mum about the other things she has done to you? Your mum's loyalty belongs to you not this friend. (Would be a different story if the friend was your sister).
Also, why does she stay at your house? It would be a bit weird for her to stay there when you are not around?

Sadderday

Ande1975 wrote: »

And she's crafty to boot... She's some piece of work. However its not just about the 40e anymore. Have you spoken to your mum about the other things she has done to you? Your mum's loyalty belongs to you not this friend. (Would be a different story if the friend was your sister).
Also, why does she stay at your house? It would be a bit weird for her to stay there when you are not around?

My mother stays neutral in every situation. Fights with BFs over the years etc etc .. she will always put on a smile when back together a week later she's great, non judgemental, she understands where I am coming from but doesnt want to contribute by adding her two cents I guess.
She stays cos she is doing courses every few months, some last 5 days, some 6 weeks... shes been doin it for yrs, my mother has always said its never a problem and wouldnt be now that i'm moved out either..... I think it would be a bit strange though if it did happen. Mother said she wouldnt invite her this time but if she asked she wont say no.

Oryx

Your mother sounds like she is being very fair, and it is right that she doesnt want to get dragged into something that essentially only affects you two girls. Though if you stop being this girls liferaft, she will inevitably move on to someone else. Your mum sounds clued in to the whole situation, but at the same time she wouldnt want to let the 'someone' be her.

Degringola

OP, be careful now that you've moved out that she doesn't start taking advantage of your mother. Although you say your mother is now clued in, who knows what your friend will come up with to manipulate your mother.

Don't mean to alarm you, but maybe have a good chat with your mother after you sort out everything (or not) with your friend and give her chapter and verse of how she has used you over a longer time period.

Otherwise your mother may not appreciate how much of a user she is and fall for her spiel. I know your mother wants to stay out of this, so it's a tricky situation.

CaraMay

I personally would be putting my phone on silent especially at night and I wouldn't waste my time talking to her. She won't change

Sadderday

Oryx wrote: »

Your mother sounds like she is being very fair, and it is right that she doesnt want to get dragged into something that essentially only affects you two girls. Though if you stop being this girls liferaft, she will inevitably move on to someone else. Your mum sounds clued in to the whole situation, but at the same time she wouldnt want to let the 'someone' be her.

That certainly sounds right!

Sadderday

Degringola wrote: »

OP, be careful now that you've moved out that she doesn't start taking advantage of your mother. Although you say your mother is now clued in, who knows what your friend will come up with to manipulate your mother.

Don't mean to alarm you, but maybe have a good chat with your mother after you sort out everything (or not) with your friend and give her chapter and verse of how she has used you over a longer time period.

Otherwise your mother may not appreciate how much of a user she is and fall for her spiel. I know your mother wants to stay out of this, so it's a tricky situation.

absolutely... but I dont understand her game... she wont ask my mother for cigarette or even ask me in front of my mother... she text me asking for a cigarette when the three of us were in the same room. I think she wants to keep face with my mum... probably so she can continue staying in her home without any hassle, my mum does get it but sees the best in everybody and to be honest ... my friend is so charming that I dont think my mum is believing that she is capable of such things.

No Pants

She's not your friend and to her, you're just an extension of her purse. Stop answering calls, texts, Facebook or anything else. Apologies are easy to make in writing, less easy to make face to face, but face to face is where it counts. Any explanation she's offered so far is worthless. The €40 is thievery, plain and simple.I advise cutting all ties and your mother do the same.

anotherdreamer

Hi there
I gave a former boyfriend a loan of money as he was in a pickle and stuck for money! (A long time ago now) I would never leave anyone stuck & my family & friends always help each other out!

While I would never ask him for the money back it took me a long time to get over the fact that he never had the decency to give a single cent if the money back!!! It was hard to accept that someone I trusted & saw as a decent human being wasn't trustworthy at all!!!

For a long time after he would say i'll pay you back but it never happened! if he had offered to pay me back five euro a month or something I would probably have said forget about it!!!

Some people just have no shame ... You have learned this lesson the hard way! I think I'd prob pay my family member back myself after all it is my friend .... But I wouldn't hold my breath for your friend coughing up anytime soon!!!!

I would still loan money to anyone if they were stuck .... Thankfully most people are not like this!!!

Sadderday

anotherdreamer wrote: »

Hi there
I gave a former boyfriend a loan of money as he was in a pickle and stuck for money! (A long time ago now) I would never leave anyone stuck & my family & friends always help each other out!

While I would never ask him for the money back it took me a long time to get over the fact that he never had the decency to give a single cent if the money back!!! It was hard to accept that someone I trusted & saw as a decent human being wasn't trustworthy at all!!!

For a long time after he would say i'll pay you back but it never happened! if he had offered to pay me back five euro a month or something I would probably have said forget about it!!!

Some people just have no shame ... You have learned this lesson the hard way! I think I'd prob pay my family member back myself after all it is my friend .... But I wouldn't hold my breath for your friend coughing up anytime soon!!!!

I would still loan money to anyone if they were stuck .... Thankfully most people are not like this!!!

It seems that everyone knows at least one person that is that way inclined. Its a real shame... and it can be shocking. Live and Learn. I don't like holding grudges but I don't think I can be friendly with anyone like this... this thread has made me more and more angry because I've realised whats been happening. I dont believe her innocence... because reading your story too.... how could someone with any respect for you not make an effort to pay back.

K_P

Hi OP, it can be a horrible realisation all right and not a very nice thing to face up to, but it's better to do it now than to spend the next however many decades being at her beck and call.

I would reiterate what other posters have said though and maybe let your mother know the extent of how this girl has been using you. Your mother might just think it's a minor squabble between you that you'll patch up and get over. Meanwhile your "friend" will continue to get free room and board for up to 6 weeks at a time. Whlie it sounds like your mother is being very fair and objective which is admirable, I'm sure she wouldn't want to see her own daughter being taken for a fool by a so-called friend. So depending on how you decide you want to proceed with your friend, I think you should let her know the extent of this girl's nonsense.

You say your friend is charming and I've no doubt she is, but it's all so that she can convince people to do what she wants, give her what she wants, take pity on her, etc. It's not charm, it's manipulation and I'd be worried your mother could continue to be fooled by her.

Sadderday

K_P wrote: »

Hi OP, it can be a horrible realisation all right and not a very nice thing to face up to, but it's better to do it now than to spend the next however many decades being at her beck and call.

I would reiterate what other posters have said though and maybe let your mother know the extent of how this girl has been using you. Your mother might just think it's a minor squabble between you that you'll patch up and get over. Meanwhile your "friend" will continue to get free room and board for up to 6 weeks at a time. Whlie it sounds like your mother is being very fair and objective which is admirable, I'm sure she wouldn't want to see her own daughter being taken for a fool by a so-called friend. So depending on how you decide you want to proceed with your friend, I think you should let her know the extent of this girl's nonsense.

You say your friend is charming and I've no doubt she is, but it's all so that she can convince people to do what she wants, give her what she wants, take pity on her, etc. It's not charm, it's manipulation and I'd be worried your mother could continue to be fooled by her.

I understand... I suppose the reality is she is gearing up to take advantage of my mothers good nature aswell. I can of course fill my mum in on everything and hope that she gets it. Still very hard to convince my family to take a step back. they've become very fond of her over the years and the lickassin paid off there so i dont think it will sound right to them... hopefully it will eventually make sense though.

beveragelady

Just read over this thread (skipped bits, sorry!) and it was uncomfortably familiar. A chap I knew some years ago (never romantically) gradually manipulated me into feeling responsible for his financial welfare. The urgent desperate phonecalls, the inexplicable 'little luxuries' he could somehow afford, the evasiveness... when I think about it now I get so angry.
Either I was a terrible eejit about it, or he was very clever. Both probably. Even after I stopped handing over cash he could still bleed me dry. A typical example: He rang me one night in tears, he had no food for himself or his dog. I bought him trollyfull of shopping from Tesco, and three days later he confidently let me know that he was out of milk and bogroll, and I'd be welcome to drop them over later. This established the idea that I was responsible for his groceries.
I could go on, but I'll spare you. What's really pathetic is that the entire time, a period of over three years, I considered him a friend.
OP, I know it's hard, almost impossible, to have a forthright discussion with your friend about this. But you need to do it. I didn't have the nerve, so I cut my losses, left my job and moved to the other side of the country rather than face the awkwardness. Seriously. (There was a genuine possibility that he was going to show up on my doorstep asking to live in my spare room.) The poor chap still tries to contact me occasionally, baffled as to why I cut him off.
I'm sure you're a better person than I was (am?), deal with it head on.