Gender Crisis

Genevaman

Hi all,

Over the past few years I've been struggling quite a bit with how I perceive myself compared to how others perceive me. It's difficult to talk about, in fact this is the first time I've ever told anyone at all, but I don't see myself as a man. I don't like my image or my body. I've always felt this way. And it has only been over the last couple years that I have finally started addressing my feelings rather than burying them.

I've never seen myself as a man. I feel less ugly the more feminine I appear. In my dreams I'm almost always female or androgynous. It's something I've always been ashamed of. Always been afraid that anyone would find out. In fact I've been trying to shut those thoughts out of my head all my life but they're still there whether I like it or not. I'm now 21 years old. As I matured and grew more broad shouldered and watched my jaw become thicker and facial hair emerge I began to feel disgusted by myself. It came to the point where I couldn't even look in the mirror. I eventually got over it by telling myself it was somebody else, or that my body's reflection was no more a part of me than the clothes I wore. I've since grown used to it but I can't say I'm happy. In fact I've felt very depressed for a long time now.

My problem is I can't make the step I know I want to make. I can't even bring myself to say the words aloud when alone. Even typing this I keep deleting what I've written but then coming back. As if, even with the anonymity of the internet, my secret will be exposed and everything will come crashing down.

I come from a conservative background. A 'Fine Gael family' as my parents like to proudly say. I've worked with LGBT and have brought them around to accepting gay people through my work but I've never been able to get them to accept trans people - the one I've always secretly wanted them to above all else - as they just refer to them as people who are 'sick in the head'. I know my friends and family wouldn't be able to accept me if I brought my real feelings into the open. The few times I dared to even come close to the topic, though I've never been brave enough to do so head on, have always been met with cautious hostility. But I can't handle being somebody I'm not anymore. I'm tired of acting. It's draining me away day after day.

Please, if there's anyone out there who has been in this position can you help me. I have no idea what to do right now. Even just a voice to respond. I know it's childish of me but anyone who can just let me know that I'm not ill, nor pathetic, nor alone in this.

I'm posting this tentatively. I might not leave it up. My own cowardice of course. But this is hard for me. I hope people understand. Thank you.

Annasopra

Ring Vanessa Lacey in TENI and see if she can point you towards some support

http://www.teni.ie/page.aspx?contentid=13

Hamhide

^^^^^^
this

Scary Mary D

see above, but remember you are not alone.