Didnt have the confidence to "meet" a girl

LegacyUser

I was out couple of nights ago, and a girl and her friend came over to me. I am acquaintances with one of the girls, lets call her the friend, but had never seen her friend before, who ill call the girl. Both came over and I said hello and all that and we started chatting to the girl, but right away the friend started butting in telling us to meet and shift and all this.

The new girl was good looking, easy to talk to, had stuff in common and I thought we were getting on well, but her friend kept butting in and making gestures and all to us and stood right behind her, shouting at me to shift her, to which I just laughed it off but felt like saying to her to stop and leave us be for a while to talk to each other. Ill add that neither of us were drunk, we were both pretty sober. I found it a off putting with the friend egging me on, as to put it frank, I haven't been that successful with meeting girls in recent years, both due to my low confidence and chronic inability to "seal the deal" as they say.

So after a while, the girl probably got the impression that I wasn't interested even though i was trying my best to lean in for the kiss so to speak, but I just couldn't for some reason and was getting quite agitated as 2 of her friends came over to sit beside us and basically watch us which I couldn't help by being distracted by.

The girl then said she was going to the bathroom and would be back but she never did and my mate said he saw her with another guy that night, which quite frankly tore me apart the next few days as I really liked this girl even though we only spoke for about 45 mins that night. My mate who's a lot friendlier with her friend, the girls friend who introduced us, was told that apparently the girl really liked me and didn't understand why I was interested so its making it even worse. she had apparently just broke up her boyfriend and was looking to get back into meeting a guy ASAP, if it matters.

My low self esteem came on badly a few years back when I got badly injured playing rugby and was bed bound for a few months and couldn't go out any night for a good 6 months. Add to a failed year in college and I really withdrew myself then and gained weight and became slightly reclusive.

In the past year ive got back out to nightclubs gradually, but I still have this terrible notion in my head that if any girl talks to me, that shes not interested in me, and I know it cant be true but in the moment of talking I believe it, and it makes it very hard to open up. also, I should add that I haven't had a proper girlfriend since my injury and weight gain and can only "shift" girls when very drunk at parties it seems.

Its been a real bane in recent years as though im overweight, which also leads to my low self esteem, ive been told by some good looking girls that im quite good looking and that I should be more confident.

It has led to some slight depression also where I can't drag myself out of bed and just sit there for hours, thinking of what could have been and what a loser I am, and looking up pictures of her on facebook and I can feel it coming on again this time.

If I could go back, i'd like to think I could grow some balls and just kiss her but my low self esteem is again dragging me down.

I'm wondering of you guys, if perhaps i saw this girl again, and she was with her friend, would it be "normal" to go up and talk to her and tell her that I was interested in her and just was nervous and that id like to give it a second go if she'd like to? or would that come across as creepy or embarrassing, as id only spoke to her for less than an hour, but I got to know her quite well in that time.

Also, is there any tips for me with my low confidence, which really hinders me when talking to girls one on one (im strangely more confident if talking to a couple of girls at once), or public speaking also.

Tl;dr: Got talking to a girl that a mutual friend introduced to me. Had stuff in common, good looking, apparently very interested in me, but her friend basically stood beside us the whole time we talked, egging us on to meet. I have very low self esteem which has been over me the past few years, and the egging on made me very uncomfortable and felt like being put on the spot. Couldn't go through with kissing her or "making a move" and she eventually thought I wasn't interested and left. Feeling very bad over this as I really liked her. Should I try and talk to her again should I see her this weekend, and any tips as to what I should do about my low confidence.

I just need a pick me up right now as im feeling very low.

beks101

Hey OP,

I don't think your low self esteem was the problem in this instance - it was your friends acting the absolute eejit and horsing around like a pack of twelve year olds at their first school disco.

Making gestures at you and shouting at you to "shift her" behind her back? I've met school children with more tact than that and personally - unless you're actually twelve years old - I'd be fairly pissed off and would be having a word. What exactly were you going to do with that commotion going on in the background - lob the gob?

Quit being so hard on yourself. You sound like a lovely lad with just a few confidence issues that are holding you back romantically. And you've projected all of those insecurities onto this situation, when the fact is that your friends were actually the ones in the wrong, they created the embarrassing, awkward situation for you.

To be honest, I wouldn't be too impressed with this lady fceking off "to the bathroom" and leaving you hanging while she hooked up with another guy - not cool and not really worth the hassle, don't you think?

Obviously all of this was happening in some kind of a nightclub environment, which typically is alive with this sort of "hook up" culture - and maybe you're feeling the pressure of that - of having to initiate the physical side of things at a point where it feels premature, because it's what everyone else is doing. I don't know what age you are but to be honest, it's not the only way of doing things - sometimes chatting to a girl, getting her number and meeting up for a date is a more enjoyable and more natural way of going about things.

LegacyUser

Hi op.

I think perhaps your over thinking this and being too harsh on yourself,
Relax, as the above poster said it sounds more like it was the friend that was the problem. Acting like 12 year olds.

Maybe you didn't blow it and possibly laid a foundation? Could you ask the friend for her (the girl you were chatting to) number?
You could send a few texts, play it cool and see where that goes?

Can I ask what age group are ye?? I would be 26 and would find it fairly strange if I was chatting to someone and mid conversation they started kissing me....
But maybe that's the norm for younger folk?

Anyway, just relax. You have nothing to worry about. Everyone was I'm the same boat at some stage!

LegacyUser

beks101 wrote: »

Hey OP,

I don't think your low self esteem was the problem in this instance - it was your friends acting the absolute eejit and horsing around like a pack of twelve year olds at their first school disco.

Making gestures at you and shouting at you to "shift her" behind her back? I've met school children with more tact than that and personally - unless you're actually twelve years old - I'd be fairly pissed off and would be having a word. What exactly were you going to do with that commotion going on in the background - lob the gob?

Quit being so hard on yourself. You sound like a lovely lad with just a few confidence issues that are holding you back romantically. And you've projected all of those insecurities onto this situation, when the fact is that your friends were actually the ones in the wrong, they created the embarrassing, awkward situation for you.

To be honest, I wouldn't be too impressed with this lady fceking off "to the bathroom" and leaving you hanging while she hooked up with another guy - not cool and not really worth the hassle, don't you think?

Obviously all of this was happening in some kind of a nightclub environment, which typically is alive with this sort of "hook up" culture - and maybe you're feeling the pressure of that - of having to initiate the physical side of things at a point where it feels premature, because it's what everyone else is doing. I don't know what age you are but to be honest, it's not the only way of doing things - sometimes chatting to a girl, getting her number and meeting up for a date is a more enjoyable and more natural way of going about things.

Thanks for the nice reply. Its just I haven't had as strong a feeling so quickly like this for a girl i've just met in a long time. I felt we had a good connection, and had a good bit in common but I just couldn't open up as much as i'd like to and as much as she probably would have liked as she was initiating the conversation mostly with me. Before she left, we got to a slight stumbling block in the conversation where I couldn't really think of anything to say and started to get uncomfortable, where my mind started racing, as I was thinking to myself to say something and keep the conversation going, but I couldn't get anything out, and im guessing either she also didn't know what to say then either, or was waiting on me to make a move.

Yeah, I said after she left I said to my mate about why he and her friend were doing that, as it was off putting and he just said that I was "in there" and that he was trying to do me a favour as she was interested in me. It was a bit immature but id give the benefit of the doubt to them as they were both drunk while us 2 were sober enough.

I am not actually that mad at her for leaving, and if I saw her out again soon, and she wanted to talk again, I would in a heartbeat as shes the first girl in a long time who i've chatted to while out, that has really stuck in my head for a few days after and I can't forget about her. It might seem a bit childish or whatever, but I can't seem to help it. Its probably the whole so close but yet so far feeling, as I don't get that intimate with girls when im out, i.e. chatting one on one and getting to know each other well, due partly to my low confidence to talk to a girl on my own, and am pretty inexperienced in the dating game (only had one proper girlfriend years ago).

Its been getting me down slightly over the past few days, as even though I wouldn't call myself that desperate for a girlfriend, I do feel that having a girlfriend or even just going on a few dates right now would be the kick up the behind I need to open up and get back on track in terms of exercise and genuine happiness from a partner which ive been missing these past few years. Theres only so much going out with friends on weekends, and going home alone again one guy can take I think.

relax123 wrote: »

Hi op.

I think perhaps your over thinking this and being too harsh on yourself,
Relax, as the above poster said it sounds more like it was the friend that was the problem. Acting like 12 year olds.

Maybe you didn't blow it and possibly laid a foundation? Could you ask the friend for her (the girl you were chatting to) number?
You could send a few texts, play it cool and see where that goes?

Can I ask what age group are ye?? I would be 26 and would find it fairly strange if I was chatting to someone and mid conversation they started kissing me....
But maybe that's the norm for younger folk?

Anyway, just relax. You have nothing to worry about. Everyone was I'm the same boat at some stage!

Hi, thanks for that. Im relaxed over it, its just feeling down slightly. Im 21 anyway, but the thing is, she apparently wanted me to kiss her going by what her friend told mine, but I was just too shy and nervous to go through with it, mainly due to her friend watching and other due to not having properly kissed a girl in a few years.

I have been considering the option of possibly asking for her number of her friend, but I honestly wouldn't know what to say or where to start, as I think that she probably feels that I rejected her and didn't understand why. And this may sound like im resigned to giving up, but I highly doubt she went home alone that night per say, as she was smart, good looking, talkative, and cute and for me, I would have been really punching above my weight which makes it all the harder to take.

Ill probably just put this in one of my regrets, and what could have been if I was more confident and outgoing.

Anymore advice is welcome, even if its sort of dead in the water and not much can be done.

castaway_lady

Yea it doesnt sound like selfesteem was the stumbling block here, if it was that much of an issue you wouldnt have been capable of holding a long conversation like that. The problem seems to be the gobsh***s behind yee. A normal decent fella wouldnt act in those circumstances in all fairness.

If you're still interested, email her on facebook and ask her for a one to one meetup "without the audience" this time, tell her you enjoyed HER company.
If she's not interested then, so be it. She probably will be by the sounds of it.